The 15 things that white people should know about black people

Every now and again I try to use this column for the greater good of mankind. Like Superman, Batman and Catwoman (okay maybe she’s not such a good example), I take my civil duties quite seriously.

I’ve often noticed how we continuously misunderstand each other as a nation. Black people in particular often feel as though they have to explain themselves to their fellow white brothers and sisters. This is normal for a 20-year-old democracy. However, I do believe the time has come for some things to be set straight and myths be busted.

Therefore, my South African people, being the model citizen I am, I have put together a little guide which should help accelerate the positive trajectory of race relations in our beautiful country.

1. Let’s just get this out of the way right now. Yes, black people wash their hair. Do I hear you ask how often? As often as any other race: every day for some, twice a week for others, once a month for others. Get the picture? Great. Let’s consider the matter buried then.

2. Criminals scare us, too. We don’t feel comforted by the fact that someone who’s the same race as us is robbing us. Crime is crime. So sit down, Steve Hofmeyr.

3. “You speak so well” is something you say to a two-year-old who’s just learned how to talk. No matter how well you mean it, stay away from that phrase – it makes you sound like a WASP berk.

4. Most of the time when we speak an African language, it’s not to exclude you or that we’re gossiping. There are times when the Queen’s language just doesn’t suffice. My Afrikaans people, you feel me, right?

5. If you have to say: “My black friend Lucy”, then you have a problem. We will automatically put you in the same box as closet racists. Sorry, I meant to say uptight liberals.

6. We’d also move to Australia (see point 2) if only they had Hip Hop Pantsula, vetkoek, DJ Fresh, the Big Five, Riaan Cruywagen … actually, I take that back. We wouldn’t move to Australia.

7. Calling black women “sisi, sister or girlfriend” doesn’t make you down with the people – it makes you sound patronising.

8. None of us represent the entire black race, so blanketed enquiries about why black people do this or that won’t get you anywhere. We’re individuals first before we are black.

9. We love it, oh do we love it, when you speak an African language. Not funnagalore or a patched-up version of Sotho. I’m talking about the real thing. If you speak an African language, or are making an honest attempt to, give yourself a high five right now.

10. Speaking of language, until the day you can say Nongqawuse properly, cool it with the constant pronunciation correction. You wouldn’t do that if the person was French or Italian – you’d think it’s cute.

11. Contrary to what the majority party’s youth league would like you to believe, we actually want you to stay and enjoy being here. South Africa wouldn’t be the same without you.

12. As the black team, we’d like to trade Jimmy Manyi for Michael Mol. Yes, we don’t want him that much.

13. There isn’t enough space in this column to express how intensely it bothers us when you grin when you make eye contact with a black person. It makes us feel like you’re afraid we’ll take your wallet. Next time you make eye contact with a colleague or stranger, either walk past or say “howzit”. Just don’t grin. It’s not warm, it’s fake.

14. We can swim. Oh come, don’t act like you weren’t thinking about it. Some of us can even scuba dive and snorkel.

15. And lastly my dear, fellow, beloved white countrymen, as the festive season looms and office parties start being planned, please note that there’s one song that should henceforth cease to be played at these parties. This is probably the most important point of this entire column.

The following is said with love, as we know how much you’re fond of this song. And we get it, at one point we were right there with you. However, there’s no easy way to say this and so I’m just going to go ahead and say it: We are sooo over Mandoza’s Nkalakatha. We’d like you to join us and press stop.

Written by Lerato Tshabalala, first appeared on Times Live

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America Gets Its First Orange President

Orange Donald Trump

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it must be Donald Trump.

WASHINGTON – America very democratically decided that orange is the new black. Donald Trump will be the 45th US President, and the first orange president to occupy the White House.

The result has been hailed as a victory for alien-like creatures across the country. “It goes to show, no matter who you are, how strange your hair, America has a place for you, for everyone. Except Muslims.  And Mexicans. And maybe black people should consider leaving…”

Following another first – America’s first Kenyan president – the race was on in a closely contested contest for more firsts: Hillary Clinton could have been the first former First Lady to become president.

Americans were reluctant to vote for Clinton, because there was concern over her title – should she be called “Presidentess” and “Leadster of the Free World”, they wondered.

Trump’s policy, however, was clear. “I would prefer to be called ‘Your Highness’,” he said. “’Your Lordship’ or ‘Master of the Universe’ will also do.”

The Clinton campaign acknowledged that they grossly underestimated the radiance of that orange skin. “It’s enigmatic,” cried Jamie Last, a campaign volunteer. “People are attracted to it, like a moth to a flame. You can’t compete with that.”

Melania Trump (neé Knaus) will also be the first First Lady to have posed nude for men’s magazines.

“I was unsure, both candidates seemed kind of meh,” claimed Earl Hicks from Nebraska “Then I saw those pictures and yowser! What a first lady! Trump got my vote.”

During the campaign, Trump repeatedly suggested that Clinton belonged in jail. Her supporters hit back that it doesn’t matter. “She wouldn’t be the first criminal in the white house,” they suggested.

According to sources in the FBI, Hillary sent Donald an email to congratulate him on his victory. BN

Angry Bird Hiawatha - Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird Hiawatha – Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird has been to the end of the earth. He has been to the end of the water. He has been to the end of the sky. He has been to the end of the mountains. He has found none that are not his friends.

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Your Child’s Hair Could Affect His Discipline

Zoleka

This girl is doomed. Make sure the same does not happen to your child.

Hair and hairstyles have become a major issue in South Africa. Ever since the rebellion of some youths from Pretoria High School for Girls, there has been much debate about the correlation between hairstyles, hair length and discipline.

Finally, science has an answer. It has been discovered that anyone who does not maintain a neat, conservative hairstyle is absolutely doomed. If it’s a girl, tie those locks up, and if it’s a boy, make sure he keeps his hair short, or else… Such a person will have no chance to live a meaningful life and achieve any kind of success. Warn your children now.

If you need proof that anything other than a conventional, short, neatly cut hairstyle leads to focus and discipline, look no further than these young men who wasted their youth by growing their hair.

When Werner Kok grew his hair long, the curly mess caused him to make a nuisance of himself. His bad behaviour forced him onto the rugby field. Further ill-discipline resulted in him being included in the South African Sevens squad, also known as the Blitzbokke.

Things got worse for Kok. Regular lapses in discipline finally landed him in real hot water, and he was sentenced to be World Sevens Player of the Year for the 2015 season. Life gave Kok a second chance when he got injured at the start of the 2016 season.

There was hope that, because of his injury and time away from rugby, Kok would regain his focus, cut off his hair and do something meaningful with his life. This was not to be. In a total disregard for discipline, Kok kept his blonde locks as long as ever.

Finally, Kok reached an all-time low when he, through complete lack of discipline, was included in the squad to go to the Rio Olympics in 2016, where he added a bronze medal to his World Cup gold (2013) and Commonwealth gold (2014).

Not only is Seabelo Senatla’s hair long, but it’s also African. The pony-tailed speedster’s chance to obtain any kind of self-discipline is completely ruined. His dreadlocks were eventually seen by Paul Treu, who grabbed him and threw him into the Blitzbok team.

Despite tying his thin locks up in an effort to regain some self-control, Senatla’s raw, unabashed ill-discipline turned him into a devastating force, and he scored tries with reckless abandon. His wild, fast-paced life finally caught up with him, and turned him into the leading try scorer on the rugby sevens circuit two seasons in a row.

Senatla’s absolute lack of discipline got him gold medals in the Sevens World Cup (2013) and the Commonwealth Games (2014). Still, Senatla remained unapologetic about his complete lack of discipline, until he was also expelled to Rio for the Olympic Games.

Although he was initially saved from the bronze medal through injury before the semi-finals, fellow inmate Francois Hougaard (obviously also ill-disciplined – just look at all those tattoos!) unceremoniously dumped his own bronze medal onto Senatla, claiming he deserved it more.

Much has already been written about Cecil Afrika. Some blame him for the terrible discipline of young men like Kok, Senatla, and others. Afrika has been swinging his lengthy braids around long before they could shave, and there’s no doubt that they would have looked up to him.

Long-haired lack of discipline has meant that Afrika remained a failure most of his life. He was thrust into the Blitzbok sevens squad as far back as 2009, and even won the World Sevens Series as part of the 2009 team. His ill-discipline knew no bounds, and he was eventually World Sevens Player of the Year in 2011.

As he got older, Afrika never regained any form of discipline. His hair remained long and braided, and he continued to be a crucial member of the notorious Blitzbok team, until he too got sent to the Rio Olympics to carry the burden of winning an Olympic medal.

Few people have discipline as bad as Justin Geduld. Sometimes he zigs to the left, other times he zags to the right. His sidestep is almost unstoppable. Maybe, if he had more discipline, he would remain on the straight, and maybe even on the narrow as well.

Geduld’s locks aren’t very long, but it’s tied in a messy bundle behind his head. This unmistakeable source of ill-discipline ensured that Geduld just went nowhere in life, and he finally sidestepped his way into the Blitzbok squad.

He too got his just deserts. After a gold medal in the 2014 Commonwealth Games, the long-haired lowlife ended up in Rio as well, and just as you thought, he too now hangs an Olympic bronze medal around his ill-disciplined neck.

After only a short glance at Rosko Specman, one can immediately tell that this young man completely lacks all kinds of discipline. His hair is long, his style is African, and it’s tied in a bundle on top of his head. He simply oozes ill-discipline. It flows from the top of his skull and down through his entire body.

This terrible discipline makes him break the line quite often, and he sets up many tries for others. Sometimes he even scores himself. He can’t help it, he doesn’t have any self-control.

Specman’s shattering changes in pace wouldn’t happen if he had discipline. Sometimes he meanders aimlessly in one direction, then suddenly he bursts at high speed in a different direction, causing havoc for the opposition.

After causing a lot of trouble on rugby fields around the world, Specman was finally banished to Rio, where they hung an Olympic Bronze medal around his neck.

Trouble sometimes comes in big packages, and Tim Agaba is big. His African locks are not so big, but long enough to land him a spot in the South African sevens squad.

After he was chosen, his life just went downhill. His discipline got worse and worse, until he finally became a critical member of the Blitzboks. The big man couldn’t escape the hard life. He simply did not have the discipline.

In 2016, he too ended up being an Olympic bronze medallist in Rio.

The Blitzbokke’s playing style include pure evils, like creativity and flair. This has made them one of the most feared gangs in the underworld of sevens rugby. Perhaps, if they had more acceptable hairstyles, they would play more conservatively, like their fellow wasters in the 15-man game. Perhaps they may even quit rugby altogether and become accountants. One can only hope. BN

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Like all good sportsmen, Raoul was born in the Free State before being offered more money to move to Gauteng. He has such a keen knowledge of the games that he doesn’t need to watch it to know what’s going on. When he’s not following athletes around, Raoul can be found on his farm near Bronkhorstspruit, drinking whiskey and shooting his gun.

University Fees Raised to Pay for Damages

#FeesMustFallPIETERMARITZBURG – Universities across South Africa have announced a sharp increase in student fees for 2017. This is to mitigate the rising cost in university maintenance.

The resent #FeesMustFall campaign resulted in a desperate need for infrastructure redevelopment. Students protesting for free education caused so much devastation that fees must be raised to pay for repairs.

During a press conference in Pietermaritzburg, Minister of Higher Education, Blade Nzimande, explained the government’s reasons for raising university fees. “We need money to rebuild libraries, auditoriums and computer labs,” he said. “Without it, there will be no education.”

“The #FeesMustFall campaign is causing a rise in university fees,” Nzimande added. “Maybe students need to study economics before they protest.”

Protesters blame the university for the damage to the university, and claimed that high price of tertiary education caused the destruction. “They made us start the fires,” hissed protester Shisa Isakhiwo. “It’s not our fault that we are burning down buildings.”

Student leaders reiterated that their protest will intensify, and that a lot more destruction can be expected.

“You can’t expect us to pay money for a university that looks like this,” screamed Nuisance Ngidi, another protester. “If we have to pay so much for education, we want proper classrooms, not these burnt, skorokoro classrooms. Fees must fall.”

“Why must we pay so much for university when it has no books, no computers and no roof?” added Shisa. “Fees must fall!”

In spite of threats made by students, higher education authorities remain resolute in their #FeesMustRise campaign.

“We will not budge,” lamented Nzimande. “The price of protest is high. If students want to protest, they must pay for it.” BN

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Despite being previously disadvantaged, Dumisani managed to achieve the 30% mark required to pass matric. It was enough to enable him to secure his dream job: Being a journalist. Dumisani lives on his couch with his two plants.

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South Africa Celebrates the Death of Verwoerd

Hendrik VerwoerdJOHANNESBURG – Thousands of people across South Africa are celebrating the death of Hendrik Verwoerd, who died 50 years ago. Verwoerd, also known as the Architect of Apartheid, was murdered by the assassin Dimitri Tsafendas on September 6, 1966.

Older South Africans remember the former president fondly.

“I still have wonderful memories of the police dragging us out of our house to save us from the bulldozers that came to demolish the house to make way for a nice, all-white neighbourhood,” smiles Shiya Ikhaya of Meadowlands. “If Verwoerd didn’t send the police before he sent the bulldozers, I’d be dead.”

“I was so happy when I got my dompas,” laughed Gift Opayo of Boipatong. “I even had a special permit to walk into the white neighbourhood and I was allowed to work there. It’s a pity I had to burn it.”

“Verwoerd never allowed us to take the bus,” sighed Famba Gudwini.  “I had to walk a lot. It was good for my health. That’s why I’m so old now.

“I was grateful for my Bantu Education,” remembered Thokozane Didizane of Soshanguve. “It provided me with just enough skills to be a good servant for the whites. I never had to suffer and become a dentist.”

“My father wanted to be a farmer,” Precious Kancane of Hammanskraal. “Thankfully, Verwoerd made sure he couldn’t own land, so he had to move to the township for work. I loved our little corrugated shack, the muddy street and the pit toilet. I still live here, even after all these years.”

“Verwoerd laid the foundation for the creation of the most unequal society in the world,” opined Cinga Khosa of Thembisa. “Because of Verwoerd, we are number one.”

Celebrations should continue late into the night. BN

Miriam Mokoena

Miriam Mokoena – Cultural Affairs

Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.

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Affies School Boys Join Hair Protest

Afrikaans Hoër SeunskoolPRETORIA – Students at the Afrikaans Hoër Seunskool (Afrikaans Boys High School) joined the protest against hair regulations at schools. This is following the protest at nearby Pretoria Girls High about discrimination against African hair styles that had education authorities tearing their hair out over the last couple of days.

The bad hair day happened as learners congregated in front of the predominantly white, Afrikaans language school’s main gate and blocked access to the premises, demanding that their hairy qualms be heard.

The boys are outraged by the school’s hair policy, which seeks to ban all outrages hair styles, and claim that the school’s hair regulations discriminates against modern Western hair.

“The school’s hair policy stems from a time before the birth of Justin Bieber,” complained Bart Nel, a grade 11 pupil at Affies. “We live in the new, post-Bieber South Africa. We feel we are being oppressed.”

The boys told shocking stories about the humiliation they suffered when their hair were tested to make sure it fits in with the draconian regulations.

“Teachers would put their hands on the back of our necks,” cried Sias Reneke, in grade 8. “If they can’t fit four fingers between our collar and the hairline, we would be issued a long hair warning.”

Educators also allegedly often insult learners who don’t comply with their antiquated rules. “A teacher once told me I should comb my hair, and that I look like a mattress explosion,” sulked grade 10 student Japie Adam.

“One of the teachers claimed that my spiky hair could poke out his eye,” added Ernie Ellis. “It’s ridiculous. My spikes will bend.”

Students also told how they would use hair gel to keep their hair from falling into their eyes.

Modern Western hair styles, like the Mop Top, Messy Top, High Top and the Flamed-up Top are all outlawed by the school. The Mohawk, Faux-hawk, and the Spiky Do are also not permitted.

Gauteng MEC for education, Panyaza Lesufi, vowed that the department will look into the matter. “When it comes to hair it can be messy,” she said. “It won’t always be cut and dried.”

Here are some examples of illegal hair styles:

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with a Mop Top.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with a Mohawk.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with spiky hair.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with a faux-hawk.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with the messy hair style.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with a wavy pomp.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with an emo cut.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with dreadlocks.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with some kind of hair “style”.

Donald Trump

This is Donald Trump with the Wet Bieber. (Err, you mean wet beaver – Ed) BN

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie enjoyed the privilege of Apartheid rule and never bothered to get a proper education. The regime change left him unskilled, unemployed and broke, so he settled for being a reporter. Now he’s only unskilled and broke.

Theuns Jordaan Will Give Back Gert Vlok Nel’s Song

Gert Vlok Nel vs Theuns JordaanBEAUFORT WEST – Multi-platinum selling Afrikaans singer Theuns Jordaan promised to give the poet Gert Vlok Nel back his song, Beautiful in Beaufort-Wes. On his Facebook Page, Vlok Nel accused Jordaan of stealing the song 18 years ago. Since then, devoted fans have rallied behind Jordaan, but the singer finally conceded that the song he built his whole career on does, in fact, belong to Vlok Nel.

“Yes, Gert created Beautiful in Beaufort-Wes,” he said. “I really just borrowed it and forgot to give it back.”

Jordaan insist that he will return the song to Vlok Nel this weekend, soon after his next show. “It’s probably time to give it back to its rightful owner,” he sighed.

According to friends and family, Jordaan has kept Beautiful in Beaufort-Wes in a Ziploc bag, stuffed in a vanity case and locked in the safe of his Stellenbosch home. “The song is my precioussssss!!!,” hissed Jordaan, leaning forward on his couch. “Nobody touch my precioussss!!!”

The singer will pack the song, vanity case and all, into a corrugated fibreboard box, load it into the boot of his sponsored vehicle and drive it there himself. “I don’t trust the Post Office,” he claimed. “And I’m not really ready to let go of my prrecioussss just yet.”

The Afrikaans community was shocked, and reactions varied considerably. Some agree that Jordaan should return the song, some believe Vlok Nel should just accept defeat and move on, while others are devastated with the turn of events.

Sannie Steyn, secretary and mother of three from Secunda, is not sure if she can carry on with her life. “I can’t believe it,” she cried. “Theuns and Beaufort West is so synonymous. Now I learn that he doesn’t even live there. He never lived there. This is the end!”

Frans Venter, a farmer from Ventersdorp, thinks that a more popular singing voice should determine ownership of the song. “Look, I like the way Theuns sings it more, so it’s his song now, finish en klaar,” he barked. “Gert should stop moaning. Listen, my friend Dirk had a car, a nice Opel Corsa. I took it for a spin, just around the block. I drove it better, so it’s mine now. Let me show you, it’s in the garage.”

Frans’ friend Dirk agrees. “It’s not wrong if you’re famous,” he added.

“I’ve never heard of this Gert guy,” grumbled Cobus Kotze, a cattle feed salesman from Christiana. “So because I’ve never heard of him, all credit should go to Theuns. It all depends on who I know. That’s just how it works.”

On the other hand, Naas Blignaut from Bloubergstrand believes that people should lay off Gert for a bit. “Perhaps, if Theuns never sang the song, only a few people would’ve heard it,” he lamented. “But if Gert never wrote the song, nobody would’ve heard it.” NB

 

Saartjie Vermaak - Entertainment News

Saartjie Vermaak – Entertainment News

Saartjie wanted to be a pop singer but she couldn’t sing. Instead, she started following pop singers around. She became a journalist to avoid getting arrested.

 

Wayde van Niekerk Investigated by Olympic Committee for Hyperalienism

wayde-van-niekerk

Wayde van Niekerk points in the direction of his celestial ancestors.

RIO DE JANEIRO – South African athlete and Olympic gold medalist, Wayde van Niekerk, is under scrutiny from the authorities, following his performance at the 2016 Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.

The sprinter from Bloemfontein in the Free State won gold in the 400m, smashing the long-standing record by American Michael Johnson in the process. Van Niekerk ran the 400m in 43.03 seconds, 0.15 seconds faster than the 43.18 Johnson ran in 1999.

In the aftermath of the race, allegations emerged that Van Niekerk may in fact be part Alien.

According to Olympic rules, athletes competing in the games must be fully human. Having Alien DNA, however little, could constitute an unfair advantage.

Hyperalienism is a condition where extra-terrestrial genetics get fused with that of a human. This fusion causes higher EBE (Extra-terrestrial Biological Enhancement), the result of which may be rapidly contracting muscles, superior stamina or superhuman strength.

The IOC has launched an investigation to determine the amount of EBE in Van Niekerk’s body. To date, the IOC is inclined not to comment on the matter, and all documentation remains tightly sealed.

Should Van Niekerk be found to be above the acceptable level of EBE, he may have to undergo treatment to subdue the effects of his condition.

Reaction amongst other athletes widely varied. British marathoner, Paula Radcliffe, in an interview on BBC radio said, “I fear that when we talk about it in terms of fully expecting no other result than Wayde van Niekerk to win that 400m at the Olympics, then it’s no longer sport and it’s no longer an open race.”

American sports journalist Kate Fagan defended Van Niekerk. In a column for ESPN, Fagan wondered why the South African runner is still on trial. “We have no idea on what point of the biological continuum each athlete resides, and who might have what advantages. And without that knowledge, the people currently ringing the alarm bells on Wayde Van Niekerk are actually engaging in discriminatory behaviour,” Fagan pointed out.

“We need to remember these are human beings,” IAAF President Sebastian Coe told reporters in Rio. “Even if they are part alien, they are still human beings. This is a sensitive subject, they are athletes, they are sons, they are brothers, and we need to be very clear about this. We will treat this sensitively. We need to go back and have the right people looking at this.”

In the meantime, Van Niekerk will hang on to his gold medal.

“I am not a fake,” he told News24 yesterday. “I am natural. I am just being Wayde. I don’t want to be someone I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be someone people want me to be.” BN

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Like all good sportsmen, Raoul was born in the Free State before being offered more money to move to Gauteng. He has such a keen knowledge of the games that he doesn’t need to watch it to know what’s going on. When he’s not following athletes around, Raoul can be found on his farm near Bronkhorstspruit, drinking whiskey and shooting his gun.

Boko Haram Soldiers Starve in Zimbabwe

Boko Haram

Boko Haram wants you… to kill the infidel!

BULAWAYO – Soldiers from the Nigerian Islamic Militant group, Boko Haram, are struggling with severe hunger during the Zimbabwean leg of their journey to South Africa.

Seven soldiers have died and 32 more are in a critical condition. The other 61 are in a weakened physical state on a deserted farm outside Gweru – on the road towards Bulawayo – where they are hiding. A total of 100 terrorists were reportedly spotted by Zimbabwe’s Central Intelligence Organisation (CIO).

The Nigerian militants are on their way to South Africa to avenge the xenophobic attacks on foreigners, in which not even one Nigerian has died.

“We, Boko Haram, entered Zimbabwe about one, maybe two weeks ago to go kill South Africa,” insisted Yusuf Alhaji, one of the fighters. “Since then we, Boko Haram, have suffered. We, Boko Haram, have suffered very much.”

The Islamic radicals from northern Nigeria are better known for kidnapping 200 girls from a school in Chibok, and regularly tormenting their fellow Nigerians with sporadic, vicious attacks.

Following the few xenophobic attacks in small parts of South Africa earlier this year, the group released a video in which they threatened to take action against South Africans for the attacks.

“We, Boko Haram, will not tolerate any violence against any Nigerian,” proclaimed Abubakar Shekau, the terrorist mouthpiece in the video. “We, Boko Haram, are the only people allowed to kill, torture and maim any Nigerian.”

The terrorists, officially known as Group of the People of Sunnah for Preaching and Jihad, are desperately looking for a way to move on.

“We, Boko Haram, want to leave Zimbabwe and go to South Africa, like all the Zimbabweans,” sighed Alhaji. “There is no food here. We, Boko Haram, are suffering.”

Zimbabwean President, Robert Mugabe, has allegedly pledged his support to the terrorists, and promised to send them food as soon as he can find a farm that’s still productive.

“Mugabe is a hero and an inspiration to us, Boko Haram,” praised Alhaji. “He has destroyed Zimbabwe like we, Boko Haram, will destroy Nigeria.”

The South African military is preparing food parcels and medical assistance for the fighters of Boko Haram, should they finally arrive. BN

 

Salim Malik

Salim Malik – Foreign Correspondent

Salim Malik is not sure where he’s from. That makes him a foreigner wherever he goes. Being a foreigner is all the experience he needs to be a foreign correspondent. Salim travels the globe hunting the news and chicken vindaloo.

New Rugby Rule: Victor Matfield May Play with a Kierie

Victor Matfield with a kierie

Victor Matfield resting his mature legs in between Bulls practice sessions.

AUCKLAND – The International Rugby Board (IRB) has passed a controversial law that would allow the ageing former Springbok captain, Victor Matfield, to continue his never ending career.

The new law would allow players, in particular the 38 year old Matfield, to play with the aid of a kierie to support the wilting knees and cowering back.

In a special meeting held in Auckland, New Zealand, the IRB decided that the fragility of old age should no longer be the deciding factor when it comes to players hanging up their boots. It was determined that a kierie may be used by players to sustain their elderly bodies.

The IRB laid out strict rules to regulate the use of a kierie during on-field play.

The kierie may be used for support, to allow Matfield to walk upright during the loose phases, but may not be used to give the player an advantage over the opposition.

During lineouts the kierie may not be used. Assistance for the jump must come from teammates, as always. Once the line-out is completed, Matfield may pick up his kierie and hobble to rejoin the maul.

Using the kierie for defensive purposes, such as tripping an attacking player by sticking it in front of his legs is strictly forbidden, and considered a red card offence. Shielding the ball from advancing defenders (known as cynical kierieing) will also not be tolerated.

Matfield and his kierie in action.

Matfield and his kierie in action.

Although the kierie may not be used to ruck the ball backwards, it can provide a foundation while pushing in the scrum.

At no point will a player be allowed to play the ball with his kierie while he is on the ground, although lifting yourself off your knees with the use of a kierie to play the ball will be permitted.

The kierie may only be manufactured from a soft wood. While it may increase the chance of cracking the kierie, it will decrease the chance of cracking a skull.

Matfield is absolutely thrilled about the new rugby rules. “Now I can play until I’m 50,” he grinned. “The Bulls will have no excuse to stop picking me.”

The end is nowhere in sight for the line-out specialist, who retired from rugby in 2011, but made a comeback in 2014. “Those days were hell,” he recalled. “I never want to do that to myself again. I really missed getting trampled in the rucks, pummelled in the driving mall and driven to the ground with a tackle. It was painful for me not to have so much pain in my life anymore.”

“As long as I can still hear the whistle, I’ll keep playing rugby,” he continued. “If only they would legalise on-field hearing aids, so I could hear the lineout call.”

Players from New Zealand and Australia are less thrilled about the new rules. “What the bloody heck is a keerey?” a few of them groaned.

Queensland Reds lock forward, James Horwell, complained about the extension of Matfield’s career. “I was hoping that one of these days we might be able to win a lineout ball again,” he moaned. “I might have to infuse myself with kangaroo DNA to extend my jump.”

Matfield is expected to test his new kierie during a SupeRugby match for the Bulls later this season. BN

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Like all good sportsmen, Raoul was born in the Free State before being offered more money to move to Gauteng. He has such a keen knowledge of the games that he doesn’t need to watch it to know what’s going on. When he’s not following athletes around, Raoul can be found on his farm near Bronkhorstspruit, drinking whiskey and shooting his gun.