Marijuana brings on the munchies—at least if you smoke as much as the average smoker, according to the largest and longest study ever to consider the issue, which was published in the High Times Magazine. Arthur Ford goes one toke over the line.
Researchers working on an ill-conceived long-term study on eating habits documented the behaviour of young adults over the course of 20 years, starting in 1985 when they were aged 18 to 30. The research pool consisted of 1124 test subjects, and 988 made up the control group. Unfortunately, 31 subjects could not complete the study due to death. The research team from the Portland State University claims that the expiries were unrelated to marijuana. According to the scientists, natural causes given the length of the study were to blame.
They found that marijuana increased the desire to consume snack food in nearly all of the test subjects. 78% of test subjects reported “getting the munchies” immediately after a single joint, while 22% claim to “have the munchies” soon after. 98% claim that the need to eat went away soon after eating something.
Doritos seems to be the popular choice, with 67% claiming to be stocked up just in case a craving strikes. According to the report, Oreo‘s come in with 52%, Pop Tarts with 48%, Kellogg’s Corn Flakes with 43%, while Lunchables cheddar crackers completes the top five with 42%.
The control group smoked catnip instead of cannabis. Little or no changes were reported in their appetites over the whole course of the study, although a few reported minor cravings for milk.
The study was conducted to scientifically confirm rumours that marijuana may be linked to appetite in humans. “Stoners claim to have known this all along,” asserts Clevent Ambrose, a member of the research team. “Now we have the numbers to back it up.”
“This will have a huge impact on the snack food industry,” speculates Darren Thomson, spokesman for Lincoln Snacks Company. “Now that manufacturers have these irrefutable statistics, they will know how to develop and market munchies to stoners. It will be beneficial to food companies and stoners alike.”
The Stoners are thrilled by the results. “I would like to, like, eat an ice-cream flavoured Oreo, and stuff,” remarks Willy*. “That would be radical, man.” Others are hoping for new developments in food distribution. “They should like, invent a way for my bong to stuff Cheetos straight into my mouth while I toke it, suggests Duffy*. “A drip to get it directly into my stomach would be sweet. Then I don’t even have to chew.”
When probed about his own marijuana use, Ambrose simply laughed. “I’m a scientist. I can’t afford to buy so much food.”
*Not his real name
Arthur spent many years trying to find empirical evidence that the earth is round. When he discovered it has already been proven he decided to focus on reporting the findings of other, more distinguished scientists instead. In his free time he researches the psychology of African killer bees.
- Study: Simba is Most Addictive Substance Known To Man (Banana Newsline)
- How does marijuana cause the munchies? (Straight Dope)
- Legal Pot Draws Snoop Dogg, Tourists To Colorado For 4/20 (denver.cbslocal.com)
- Russ Belville: Marijuana Blamed for Dzhokhar’s Alleged Boston Bombings (cannabissativenews.wordpress.com)
- Munchies Don’t Make Stoners Fat (931jackfm.cbslocal.com)
- ‘Medibles’ blamed for marijuana spike in kids (q13fox.com)
- Marijuana: The Next Diabetes Drug? (uniquedaily.com)