US Homeland Security Admits It Can’t Protect Citizens

Terror left many Americans with many questions, and many questions need to be answered. The ball is rolling to make sure Boston never gets bombed again. Salim Malik finds out what’s the plan.

Homeland Security

The US Department of Homeland Security admitted that it is incapable of protecting Americans from every planned attack. According to Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, they simply don’t have the manpower to secure the nation from the many threats it faces.

The agency has been pushing Washington for funding to increase its numbers. The demands have not been met, but that looks set to change. “We need at least seven agents stationed in every square mile block of American soil, maybe even more in the densely populated areas” claims Napolitano. “We absolutely must have an agent listening in to every conversation being made at any given time to ensure that we don’t miss anything, even the most private detail. We need people to follow other people to see what those people are up to. Every single US citizen must be diligently observed.”

In order to protect the public from any imaginable kind of deliberate attack, Homeland Security needs to have at least 43 million agents working around the clock; spying on the public’s every move. “It may seem excessive, but it’s a small price to pay to ensure that we don’t lose a few people to a vicious attack every couple of years,” Napolitano asserted.


Critics suggested that 20 million agents are satisfactory. “I don’t need someone watching me when I go to the bathroom, maintained Pete Danson, vice-president of the Government Conspiracy Watchdog Association. “The only bomb I’ll be dropping in there will be flushed away.”

Others claim that nowhere near enough is being done. “We absolutely must restrict electronic communication to weekdays during business hours,” remarked Barbara Mapleton, a mother of three from Schererville, Indiana. “Why do you need to contact people at other times anyway? You’re obviously up to no good.” Bob Hovey from Wilmington, North Carolina feels that, “If there is more regulation on communication, the scum won’t be able to scheme.”

According to sources inside the White House, US president Barack Obama instructed the Office of Management and Budget to shuffle the budget in order to allocate funds towards an Agents Everywhere project. “Obama has been consulting with various agencies. The Agents Everywhere bill should give agencies a mandate to increase the number of new recruits in order to meet the demands of nationwide observation,” disclosed White House press secretary Jay Carney.  “The right to be safe is more important than any other right. The safety and security of US citizens are our number one priority. If 1/8th of the American population works towards keeping us out of harm’s way by ensuring that the rest of them can’t do anything to compromise our safety, or do anything at all, for that matter, I do not doubt that we’ll be safe.”

President Obama is expected to present the bill to congress by Friday. BN


Salim Malik - Foreign Correspondent

Salim Malik – Foreign Correspondent

Salim Malik is not sure where he’s from. That makes him a foreigner wherever he goes. Being a foreigner is all the experience he needs to be a foreign correspondent. Salim travels the globe hunting the news and chicken vindaloo

2 responses to “US Homeland Security Admits It Can’t Protect Citizens

  1. Two attacks on American soil on Barry Oblamers watch….But the sheeeeeeeple always turn into the 3 monkies when you question the great liar…Hear no evil,see no evil,speak no evil.They just bury their heads in the sand click their heels together and say….we are safe,we are safe,we are safe…BAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. The war on terrorism is over…..the terrorist are on the run…..Yes they are….onto American soil.


    • The point was more that you can’t see an attack by mad men acting on their own coming, no matter how much you try to prevent it. Just like you can’t see a school shooting coming. Take your madness somewhere else.


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