Gay Couple Opposes Marriage Equality

To marry or not to marry, is that even a question? No, it’s not, claims a couple of brave homosexuals.


TAMPA, FLORIDA – The marriage equality movement is gaining ground, with red equality badges displayed all over the internet and voices speaking louder than ever before. From Miami to Seattle people are throwing their weight behind the cause. Not everyone is thrilled.

“People said we should join the Westboro Baptist Church,” laughs Ryan Pilden. “I don’t think they’ll take us. They don’t like gays.” Ryan is referring to the reaction he gets when he claims he opposes gay marriage. His partner, Dirk Bresnan interjects: “I’ve been called a Nazi. Imagine that, a gay Nazi.”

The couple recalls their uphill struggle to gain support for the anti-equality cause. “It’s a lot harder than you’d think,” claims Dirk. “People don’t take us seriously. Gays? Opposed to equality? That can’t be right, can it? You should see the looks on their faces. It’s like they just swallowed a fly with their peas.” According to the 26 year old it’s important for gays to speak out against equality. “It doesn’t matter how many people are against it, as long as gays are united it will succeed. If you want it to fail, you have to reach homosexuals.”

The motivation for opposing gay marriage is complex, but the couple remains resolute in their ideals, and have been cruising around the state, spreading their message far and wide. They claim that there are several foreseeable problems if homosexuals are allowed to marry, most notably, divorce. “Gay marriage will lead to gay divorce. That is the absolute last thing the world needs,” states Ryan. “Can you imagine a gay divorce? Ugh, the drama. There’s no better reason to ban gay marriage.”

The very thought of gay divorce is the bane of their existence, and the major motivator in their quest to stop equality. “We’re terrified of the idea” says Dirk. ”I can see a bunch of queers throwing fruit at each other, making a complete mockery of the courtroom. Crying drag queens are a terrible sight. I wish that on no human being.  Also, dividing up the shoes would be very taxing on any legal system. Can this country afford that?” Added Ryan: “There is no place for fruit in a court of law.”

Dirk and Ryan are adamant that gay men should not have children. “I did not become gay to have children,” declares Ryan. “If you are going be gay, you should be gay the way God intended for you to be gay.” The couple doesn’t want children, and that’s all the reason they need. “We are homosexuals, we should know.”

To Dirk, opposing gay marriage is almost a compulsion. “I’ve always been a bit rebellious,” he says. “It’s the reason I became gay in the first place. I did it just to piss off my father. He needed a triple bypass after I told him. Lying in bed with a bump on the back of his skull was hell.” He has made up for it since. “I cook for him regularly; good, wholesome, healthy food. He’s had heart surgery after all. He adores it. My mother’s cooking is dreadful.”

Ryan agrees. “Being a gay man wanting marriage equality is so mainstream. I guess it’s just natural for us to go against that.” He spent his childhood starting fights with Boy Scouts. “I was a tough little gay bugger. I like men but I’m not a woman.” Young Ryan never wanted to be a Boy Scout, he just wanted them to want him to be a Boy Scout. “I never understood why they wouldn’t have me. Really, they look so gay in those uniforms anyway.”

The response from the gay community has been less than welcoming. They have already been cock-blocked from Manhole [local gay bar], and the only people who still speak to them are homophobes trying to convince them they are sinful. “At least they still speak to us,” bemoans Ryan. “This whole thing is such a drag, actually.”

The two don’t think they have much of a chance, but try to remain optimistic. “Alas, we’re outnumbered. We’ll probably fail to accomplish anything. Eventually gays will be allowed to marry. It’s a real bummer. That’s no excuse for not trying, though.”

All the criticism doesn’t bother them in the least. “I don’t mind it too much being compared to Nazis” says Dirk. “Those black suits were impeccable. I’d love to ravish one of them.” BN


Salim Malik - Foreign Correspondent

Salim Malik – Foreign Correspondent

Salim Malik is not sure where he’s from. That makes him a foreigner wherever he goes. Being a foreigner is all the experience he needs to be a foreign correspondent. Salim travels the globe hunting the news and chicken vindaloo.






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