Heaven Not Ready for Nelson Mandela

Mandela is ill, the end is near. Near, but not quite there yet, claims representatives of heaven. The whole world is waiting with baited breath to learn the fate of the former South African president. Miriam Mokoena experienced a manifestation.

Nelson+Mandela1ZION – Former Robin Island inmate #46664, Nelson Mandela, will live a while longer. So says the Archangel Gabriel, speaking on behalf of God during a press conference at the heavenly city of Zion.

The angelic being admitted that, despite the health concerns related to his earthly body, heaven is not yet ready to receive the world icon. The 94 year old recipient of the Nobel peace award has been admitted to hospital, but is expected to be released soon. “It’s in the best interest of all of physical and metaphysical reality that Nelson’s life force remains alight,” clarified Gabriel.

Mandela is well known for resisting tyranny, and heaven is fearful of the effect having him in the afterlife could have. The hereafter has a minority of souls living free, joyous lives in heaven, while the majority of souls have been forced to live apart from them in an oppressive bantustan called Hell, also known to some as the Lake of Fire.

This group of souls is subjected to an existence of pain and torment for an eternity, while others exist in the comfort of everlasting bliss. Experts on spiritual matters are adamant that this inequality is a pressure cooker ready to explode. “They won’t be able to keep us down for much longer,” claims Beelzebub, spokesman for the Coalition for a Scorch-free Eternity.

Discrimination takes place purely on the basis of how life was lived before death, before arriving in the afterlife.  “Nelson Mandela could cause severe disruption in the next life,” revealed Gabriel. “His presence in heaven could sway sentiment towards a more open society. Banishing him to hell could make him a martyr and incite a revolt. Until we figure out the best course of action to handle his presence, it will be better for the celestial status quo to keep his earthly body animated.

Heaven is, and has always been resistant to change. “We have maintained a policy that those who love Jesus will receive bliss, while those who don’t, won’t, for as long as existence existed,” remarked Gabriel. “We are not about to buckle under pressure from spiritual rights groups or any afterworldly activists. We will not allow the greatness of Nelson Mandela to upset our way of life.”

While most are certain that Mandela will be offered the privilege of eternal bliss, many argue that the great man will in no way accept it while distancing himself from the suffering of less fortunate sentient beings. “Some of them are in there because they stole a few pennies and died before they could ask for forgiveness, other endured the great misfortune of being born to Hindu parents,” said William O’Sullivan from the Punishment Fit the Crime Foundation. “Is eternal damnation really a fair treatment to those who had little choice in their destiny? Madiba dedicated his life to equality, forgiveness and tolerance. We do not for even an earthly minute expect that uTata would change simply because he is dead.”

As the great Freddy Mercury once said – before they threw him into to the fiery pit, “This could be heaven for everyone. This world could be free, this world could be one.” Until then, the situation surrounding Nelson Mandela and the status of his existence remain tense in heaven, as it is on earth. Amen. BN


Miriam Mokoena

Miriam Mokoena

Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.






8 responses to “Heaven Not Ready for Nelson Mandela

  1. Pingback: Humans Left With No-one to Impress | Banana Newsline·

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  3. Are you all a bunch of lunatics….I truly hope so for at least then we can try to understand your lack of sanity….and PLEASE do not mention GOD and that terrorist mandela in the same breath….you bunch of heathens….


  4. I hope they are not keeping that poor old Mandela on ice – or worse, on some life support which must be a hell. Things seem to me to becoming more bizarre by the day in South Africa. So much for
    African culture. I would like to consult a sangoma about what is going on. (the good kind.)

    African culture


  5. Pingback: Chaos After Death of Mandela | Banana Newsline·

  6. Pingback: Nelson Mandela Admits Thoughts, Prayers Of Millions Played No Part In Recovery | God Shmod·

  7. Pingback: Quotes of Nelson Mandela | SABAS LOG·

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