Air Force One Hijacked in Africa

Air Force OnePRETORIA – US Air Force One has been hijacked at the Waterkloof Air Force Base in Pretoria, South Africa. Armed assailants forced the pilot of the aeroplane carrying US President Barack Obama and his family on their African trip to “keep quiet and do as he’s told.” President Obama was not on the plane at the time.

According to the pilot, he was sitting behind the controls, lying back casually and snacking on Cheetos when four men armed with AK-47s told him to relax. “I thought it was odd, because I was very relaxed before they told me to relax,” said the pilot. “It’s hard to relax when you are forced to relax at gunpoint.”

The aeroplane has since been found, after the pilot made his way back to the Union Buildings where Obama was meeting with South Africa’s president Jacob Zuma. “They kicked me out near a train station,” he sobbed. “The woman working at the gate was kind enough to let me through, and I got onto a train and back to the city.” He reported the incident to the police, who took swift action. “They also took my shoes and jacket,” he continued. “They said it was nice, and that I looked like a chizboy, whatever that means.”

Metrorail employee Marta Marope at the Mamelodi station confirmed the incident. “When we see a white guy with no shoes, we just let him through,” she said. “We just let him through. We know that he’s just been robbed, and he’s got nothing. Not even shoes. He doesn’t even know where he is, so we just let him onto the train. Ag, Shame… We just let him go…”

The police found the aeroplane on a dirt road outside Mamelodi, a township north east of Pretoria. Initial investigation revealed no serious damage, except that the stereo system was crudely removed and the plane was standing on bricks, because the tires were stolen. All the alcoholic beverages were removed from the bar. “We’ve also found evidence that the perpetrators were smoking tik in the lounge,” revealed Inspector Diederick Harmse of the SAPD. “At present the origin of the tik is uncertain, but we believe the tsotsis may have brought it on board with them. We have no reason to suspect that the drugs belonged to any member of the US delegation.”

Inside Air Force OneAccording to Inspector Harmse, it is fairly common to find vehicles outside Mamelodi. “Inexperienced criminals just take the things that are easy to sell,” he said. “Getting rid of a whole vehicle, especially something as noticeable as an aeroplane is too risky, and finding a buyer might take too long.”

The police claim to be close to making arrests. “We’ve tracked a trail of tiny whiskey bottles to a neighbourhood in Mamelodi,” confirmed Inspector Harmse. A team of police officers are ransacking every shack.”

The American Secret Service is satisfied that the incident was not a deliberate act of terror. “We were briefed on the dangers of South Africa, and expected petty crime to be more of a threat than terrorism,” verified a Secret Service spokesman. “There’s no evidence that those responsible had any ideological goals. They just wanted goods to sell for money.”

More vehicles, usually cars, are hijacked in South Africa than any other country in the world.

Barack Obama said he is happy that his stature commanded swift action from the police, and that he’s got most of his aeroplane back. He hopes to see the perpetrators caught, and want justice to take its course. “It’s in the interest of human rights all over the African continent that criminals be brought to justice,” said the US president, “Especially when it concerns American interests.”

Jacob Zuma has not yet commented on the matter, but was overheard accusing the media of harming the reputation of South Africa by reporting on the story. A full briefing is expected shortly. BN

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Barend Strijdom – Law Correspondent

Barend Strijdom – Law Correspondent

While serving time and trying to fight the system from the inside, Barend learnt a thing or two about the law. He follows the law closely, from a distance, and the law follows him. Do not tell anyone that he’s out.

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