Study: Simba is Most Addictive Substance Known To Man

There’s more to the iconic slogan “I want to be a Simba Chippie” than meets the ear. New evidence reveals that those who eat Simba chips may be driven by an obsessive desire that could possibly eat them. Arthur Ford is welcomed in the jungle.

STELLENBOSCH – Research has revealed that Simba’s Creamy Cheddar flavoured potato chips is the most addictive substance consumed by humans. Scientists from the University of Stellenbosch studied a wide range of concoctions in order to rank them according to their addictive properties and Simba came out on top.

The team of researchers led by Professor Herman Charles Havenga spent several years feeding many substances to test subjects in order to observe what they refer to as ‘the craving’. “It starts of almost unnoticeably,” he claimed. “Maybe a twitch; an itch that needs scratching; something innocuous and commonplace; behaviour you won’t think about twice. In its most progressive stage it matures into a deranged desire. The addict is consumed by his need to consume his fix. He is unable to continue with the drudgery of everyday life until he satisfied the craving.”

Simba Creamy Cheddar chips have a particularly virile stranglehold over the user. According to Prof. Havenga, the addict find escape a nearly insurmountable task. “Nobody can have only one potato chip,” reiterated the professor. “Nobody…”

Simba Creamy Cheddar chips in the packaging preferred by pushers.

The potato chips’ addictive properties are absorbed by the mouth and tongue, and enter the nervous system instantly. “Few other substances reach the brain so swiftly,” asserted Prof. Havenga. “The user reaches immediate bliss, and the high increases dramatically as consumption continues. The more you eat, the more you like eating. It roarrrs with flavour.”

It’s also believed that dagga is a gateway drug to Simba chips. “Very often a potato chip junkie would start with something as innocent as smoking dagga, and before he knows it he’ll have the munchies and that’s where the chip habit starts.”

The effect of Simba is severely enhanced by smoking dagga. The pleasure derived from consuming a chip greatly increases according to the amount of dagga inhaled before eating. “Chipheads often smoke a joint before opening a pack. They find the combination euphoric.”

Unfortunately, the delight brought about by the potato chip comes at a price. Doctors warn that Simba Creamy Cheddar chips could be lethal. “As little as four 150g packets when consumed in too brief a period could be devastating to the body’s cardiovascular system,” affirmed Doctor Fidel Nostro of the Cape Heart Centre at UCT. “Also, in most cases which resulted in death, the abuser was so overcome with pleasure that he choked on a fragment of the chip. If you absolutely must partake, do so with a friend.”

Long term use increases the possibility of unnatural weight gain. Doctors recommend regular exercise to counteract the effects of the chips. “That is, of course, if you can lift your fat ass off the couch,” added Dr. Nostro.

The People Against Potato Chips action group are calling for warning labels to be printed on Simba Creamy Cheddar packets. “We strongly believe that people will think twice about eating a chip if there is a sign advising them to reconsider,” suggested group founder Marietjie van der Westhuizen. “People don’t do things if they know it’s bad for them.”

The Simba Group Ltd, manufacturer of Simba Creamy Cheddar chips, strongly objected to this suggestion. “Warning labels? What a preposterous idea!” replied Media Liaison Gerrie Knoetze. “There’s no evidence that links Simba chips to cancer.”

The snack food giant also expressed its commitment to helping those suffering from the terrible affliction of chip addiction. “The customer complaints hotline will now double up as an addiction helpline,” announced Knoetze. “Our staff will be able to council you while you complain about a defective chip.”

Coffee with a street value of R250.

This list is the most comprehensive ever calculated. Nearly everything was tested and ranked according to its habit-forming qualities. “We didn’t test Timjan,” said Prof. Havenga. “Everyone just assumed that it has no addictive properties whatsoever.”

Coffee came in second on the index, followed by nicotine and heroin. Pringles rounded up the top Five. “Apparently it’s true that once you pop, you can’t stop.”

Surprisingly, dagga did not even make it into the top 50. “You should be more worried about chocolate (12^th), says Prof. Havenga.”That stuff will kill you. You’ve heard of Death by Chocolate. Ever heard of Death by Dagga?”

Not everything on the list is bad for you. Water came in at 58^th place. “Unless you drown in it, it’s pretty good for you, right?” laughed the professor.

The rest of the list is boring and not worth mentioning. BN

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Arthur Ford – Science and Technology

Arthur spent many years trying to find empirical evidence that the earth is round. When he discovered it has already been proven he decided to focus on reporting the findings of other, more distinguished scientists instead. In his free time he researches the psychology of African killer bees.

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