Helen Zille to Blame for Failing Economy

Jacob Zuma / Helen ZilleCAPE TOWN – Jacob Zuma came out strongly against opposition parties. The South African president claims that COPE, the IFP and the DA in particular are to blame for all the problems facing his ruling ANC party. “Helen Zille and her Democratic Alliance is a menace,” he said during a parliamentary session. “It’s her fault that we make mistakes.”

According to Zuma, South Africa’s got problems because people know South Africa’s got problems. If nobody knows about the trouble, then the trouble won’t exist, and everything would be fine. “It’s not my fault that the country is slipping,” he cried. “If the DA stops pointing out my incompetence, South Africa won’t be presented in a bad light and the economy will strengthen.”

The president rejected any claims that the stifling hold of trade unions, an uncertain economic plan as well as lacklustre implementation are responsible for the lethargic growth. “That is just more propaganda from opposition parties,” he sniffed. “If they keep quiet, prospective investors won’t notice that South Africa is a volatile environment and legislation hampers its ease to conduct business. My plans will succeed, even if the plans are doomed to fail, because no one will know about the imminent collapse.”

Zuma also claims that the Nkandla scandal is a DA plot to discredit him. “Helen Zille and her party’s incessant demanding of answers to questions about irregularities caused me to pay for upgrades to my private home with state funds,” maintained Zuma. “I would never have let the people pay for my house if not for the pesky DA.”

The ANC leader is adamant that the Marikana crisis and all the surrounding turmoil is a direct result of Helen Zille and the DA’s meddling. According to him Marikana would not have been a problem if the DA never called for answers. “They demand probes into the cause of civil unrest, probes into government response to civil unrest and probes into probes, and all these probes cause civil unrest,” Zuma moaned. “If they don’t paint such a grim picture of the platinum mining sector, the complications within the mining sector will go away, and investors will return.”

The Gupta Brothers came to the defence of Zuma, reminding us that the DA is to blame for the scandals involving them and President Zuma. “Opposition parties are always on his case,” remarked Ajay Gupta, oldest of the Gupta brothers. “Nobody is friendly with him, so we made friends an’ all. We’re also businessmen, so inevitably the relationship will become suspect, but it’s not his fault. Blame Zille.”

Ajay Gupta also claims that they would never have landed their private jet on a military air base if not for the DA. “We were forced to create a national security scandal because the Democratic Alliance continuously questions the integrity of our president in Parliament,” he declared. “If they allow him to carry on unhindered there will be no more scandal.”

The president reminded Parliament that his integrity and image is paramount if confidence in South Africa is to be restored. “It is not in South Africa’s best interest to let everyone know that I’m a liar and a cheat,” said Zuma. “The opposition is undermining the country with this agenda.”

Zuma asserted that in order to restore confidence in South Africa and improve economic growth, opposition parties need to set their own agendas aside and put the interests of all South Africans first. “Just forget that I’m incompetent. It’s the right thing to do.” BN

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Boston Masilela – Political Analyst

Boston Masilela – Political Analyst

Boston Masilela used to be a freedom fighter. When the battle against freedom was lost he switched his ak-47 for a yellow Bic pen and took up journalism instead. He prefers rooibos tea, enjoys a party and all his friends are politicians.

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63 responses to “Helen Zille to Blame for Failing Economy

  1. It has been forecast SA will be financially burst within the next two years after yesterday that day no doubt will be a lot sooner. The social programme will collapse. I wonder once the ANC stop buying thier vote in the rural areas will the masses who are hungry still vote for a party who are effectively destroying our beautiful country. Im afraid the masses will continue to vote for starvation and poverty. Perhaps having no jobs for such a long time has created a people of expectation rather than a people who are prepared to work for prosperity? It is clear ZUMA thinks he is empowered to rule the people rather than serve them. Yes its time for the Man to retire and let Madiba rest and stop turning in his grave. Yes it has been a long walk to freedom and the walk is not yet over, Not when the head of the fish is rotten and the rest of the body has followed in his footsteps. I sign off by saying God Save SA not just bless it.

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  2. I think,the articles are mostly written tongue in cheek, but so true. The ANC and EFF just plain criminals

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  3. Join the petition for Zuma to resign http://www.petitionbuzz.com/petitions/resignzuma

    Please share on facebook if you support this cause

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  4. One thing about Zuma, he never fails to deliver, every time he opens his mouth the biggest loud of trash and lies spew from that foul mouth and bad heart, I suppose it’s also their fault for all the corruption from the ANC, I don’t have to go to a circus to see clowns we have one controlling out country, only in SA

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  5. Is this really legit? Zuma’s quotes and all?

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  6. claudia ferreira

    Is this a joke? The ANC is to blame. And thank goodness the DA allows us to hear the truth! Just cause it doesnt make the news, doesn’t mean it’s ‘not real’!

    Like

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