News Snippets

Liverpool, Scotland Road. Early Eighties.

Liverpool, England

Scientists were recently baffled by what appeared to be UFOs; a series of bright lights appearing in the sky over Liverpool, and there were many reputable witnesses to this event, with some good cell phone footage of these strange lights. Upon arriving in Liverpool, the scientists were mortified to find that the clouds had actually lifted and people were, in fact witnessing the stars for the first time.

When they, very patiently, explained this phenomenon to the local populace, one old man remarked that his grandfather had told him of these stars, but things had changed so much since those far-off days, that they immediately feared the worst and called the local constabulary.

Another recalled that he remembered once witnessing something similar in the bygone days of yore when Liverpool FC had been the champion team of England. But that was so far back that many people considered the story to be in the realms of legend.

These are not the only matters puzzling scientists at the moment, however. Since the birth of the Internet, many strange and wonderful things have occurred, not least of these the ability given to people of any class and education, or lack of, to express an opinion on any subject, no matter how little knowledge that person possesses on said subject.  What puzzled scientists the most was the willingness of otherwise intelligent people to display their ignorance in ways only ever seen by characters waiting under a bridge for the Three Billy Goats Gruff.

Moving onto matters cultural: in Pass-under-Water, Somerset, Angus McPuke, with his Highland-bred hens, won the Chicken Trembling Contest, the first time this honour has gone to anyone other than an Englishman.  Judge Scrumper O’Zoider, who has been judging this contest for thirty-three years, said, ‘Oi must zay, Oi nivver thought t’ see th’ day when a furriner could win this contest, but those chickens were tremblin’ loike there war a ferret up them pants, and seein’ as they don’ wear pants, Oi ‘ave t’ say, that’s moighty impressive!’

Angus McPuke, when quizzed on the secret of his success, told assembled reporters, ‘Och aye, well, it’s hard t’ say, really! Livin’ up there in th’ cold an’ damp cannae be too easy, ye ken? An when they come oot here, where it’s like a jungle wi’ the heat an’ all, they start t’ tremblin’ wi sheer happiness!’

One of the local ladies, Granny Smith, accused him of cheating. ‘Whoi, ‘e comes here to Zomerset and brings ‘is freezing chickens, it’s no wonder they be trembling: ‘e’s been feedin’ ‘em zider!’

Police were called to quell the riot that followed.

Jacob Zuma, former vice president of South Africa.

Jacob Zuma, President of South Africa.

Closer to home, Kakebeen van Deventer received the ‘Nation Builder of the Year’ award, from none other than President Zuma himself, who commented that if more people were like van Deventer, South Africa would be a better place in which to live. It had been reported that van Deventer regularly took his farm labourers water skiing and it had been reported on by E-News, and the article had been brought to the attention of Jacob Zuma.

When interviewed later, van Deventer commented to E-News that the President wasn’t such a bad man, but he knew nothing about crocodile hunting.

Finally, Orania, the area in the Northern Cape aiming for independence, has put out an urgent request in the newspapers (yes, even the English ones!) for someone to get their Public Relations officer to get in touch with them. They do not know his full name, but say they think he’s Jewish (it’s okay, Jews are white), because his name is Zion. If anyone knows of his whereabouts, they are please to contact the Mayor of Orania, using a black man with a cleft stick, or a white man with a bakkie.

By Tyrone Heydenrych

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