The Cryptozoological community received worldwide notice today as, after years of avoiding human society, the elusive Sasquatch revealed himself to the public. Also known as “Bigfoot” and “Yeti,” among others, Mr. Quatch (as he prefers to be called) will soon adopt a new title: “Elder” Quatch.
In a surprising turn of events, Sasquatch has declared his intention to serve as a full time missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or Mormon Church. When questioned about this unforeseen revelation, Mr. Quatch explained that despite his best attempts to remain hidden, two persistent Mormon missionaries tracked him down in his lair.
“I’ve dealt with a lot of crazies,” Sasquatch said. “They all come with cameras, maps, and chunks of raw chicken for some reason. For the record: I’m partial to Julia Child’s Coq au Vin, but never raw chicken. But these missionaries, they just wouldn’t quit! Eventually they cornered me and told me they had a message about modern prophets.”
Sasquatch goes on to explain that in his excitement over his new-found faith, he has decided that he, too, would like to work as a missionary.
“It’s like the time I first discovered Puccini’s operas; I simply had to share with all my woodland friends as soon as I could rig up speakers in the trees.
Despite the coup that Sasquatch’s decision to come out represents for cryptozoologists, spokespeople for the community admit a general feeling of dissatisfaction that it took LDS missionaries to bring about the greatest reveal their society has experienced in modern times. However, Dr. Bruno Hautenhaust, current head of the Richard Dutcher Cryptozoological Society for Motorcycle Enthusiasts, tells reporters that this comes as no surprise to him. “When you are already a living mythological being, you’ll believe in almost anything, even Mormonism.”
No word yet as to where the future Elder Quatch will perform his missionary work, but speculation is already buzzing about a possible call to Tír na nÓg, Alfheim, Shangri-la, or to the lost tribes living in or near the Earth’s molten core.
Article sourced from truthaboutmormonz.
- SasQUATCH! (robinswanderings.wordpress.com)
- How to prove that Mormonism is false (logicsheep.wordpress.com)
- Sasquatch commits to two years of missionary service for LDS Church (truthaboutmormonz.wordpress.com)