Amid all the sadness and mourning there was enough scandal and intrigue to make the funeral of Nelson Rolithlathla Mandela a truly memorable experience. Wally Walker was there, in the cheap seats, to bring you all the action.
The ANC rolled out the e-toll highway tolling system on December 3rd despite opposition from nearly every sector of society, and two days later Mandela died. Was it the last straw that broke the camel’s back? Could it be that he finally just gave up?
Thabo Mbeki was booed by the Zuma faction at the ANC’s leadership conference in Polokwane, which lead to him being dethroned as party leader in favour of Jacob Zuma and caused his early resignation as president of South Africa. Would he have enjoyed the Zuma booing? Probably. Just why was Uncle Bob [Mugabe, in the middle, the madly shrieking one – ed] laughing? Because he’s a senile old man.
When President Jacob Zuma delivers a speech, it sounds like he’s doing it using Windows 3.1 running Internet Explorer. What we need here is a software upgrade, but we may have to throw out the whole system. Keyboard and all.
The sign language interpreter wasn’t fake, he was very real. I saw him with my own eyes. And he wasn’t schizophrenic, he just wanted a cigarette, that’s all.
[“Eish, o batla loose draw, boss.” Translation: “I want a cigarette, sir.” – ed]
American President Barack Obama, British Prime Minister David Cameron and Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt posed for a selfie at Mandela’s Memorial ceremony. That’s fine. It’s just a picture, who cares? But then Barack Obama had to go and post it on Twitter and hashtag it into oblivion. That was tacky and disrespectful. Never use more than two hashtags.
The Westboro Baptist Church, famous for picketing funerals of American soldiers because the United States don’t execute homosexuals and that’s why God hates America and lets its soldiers die, or something like that, plans to picket Mandela’s funeral, because he got divorced, which makes him a philanderer, and that is a sin, and that’s why God hates South Africa. Or something like that. We wish to wish them good luck and a safe journey. Little do they know that God already forgave him. He divorced Winnie Madikizela-Mandela, after all.
[A knobkierie is a short stick with a knobbed head, used as a weapon – ed]
Jacob Zuma got booed during his speech. I just got bored. Now he’s on the war path. The ANC mentioned the possibility of taking action against the booers. To prepare, Zuma has updated the infamous and controversial anti-Apartheid struggle song, “Kill the Boer“. I suspect more boos to come. I intend more booze to come. Haven’t these guys learnt anything from Apartheid?
Reports surfaced that Zuma signed the controversial Protection of State Information Act [AKA “Secrecy Bill] into action while we were being distracted by Tata Madiba’s funeral. This turned out to be untrue. Still, we just couldn’t help ourselves.
The Arch can’t win this one. If Desmond Tutu goes to the funeral, he’d be barging in without an invite and be a nuisance. If he doesn’t go, people will say he’s childish and petty because he demands to be asked before he attends the funeral of a friend. Well played, ANC. What a way to snub one of your fiercest critics.
It’s finally over. Mandela had quite enough fanfare for one week. He’ll take solace from knowing one can only die once.
Wally Walker is a world traveller and time travel aficionado. He’s been everywhere, and has a habit of blending into his surroundings, often making him hard to find.
- South Africa Mourns the Death of Its Hopes and Dreams (Banana Newsline)
- Chaos After Death of Mandela (Banana Newsline)