Ministerial Task Team Appointed by Zuma to Investigate Zuma Cleared Zuma of Any Wrongdoing

Jacob Zuma

Jacob Zuma does not know anything.

NKANDLA – The ministerial task team charged with investigating irregularities and the misuse of state funds to upgrade South African President Jacob Zuma’s homestead at Nkandla in the KwaZulu-Natal province has found that he [Zuma] hasn’t done anything wrong.

The team consisting of officials appointed to higher office by Jacob Zuma found that Zuma did not ask for the upgrades, and can therefore not be held responsible.

The mighty team of ministers and  Directors General employed by the presidency insisted that the president was not aware of the irregularities in the procurement of goods and services in the security upgrade of his private Nkandla homestead, and that we should therefore remain confident that he’s quite capable of running the country. “Zuma didn’t know what was going on at his house, so people must stop booing him,” one of them whispered off the record.

Public Works Minister Thulas Nxesi told journalists that the security upgrades were absolutely necessary. “The people of South Africa do not like Jacob Zuma and don’t want him as president,” he said. With this in mind, it was essential that the security at his home be upgraded.”

Public Works Minister Thulas Nxesi

Public Works Minister Thulas Nxesi spins a yarn to reporters.

Allegations that Zuma used state resources to build and upgrade the homestead were unfounded. Mr Nxesi assured everyone that the government had spent money on the house for security reasons, but not for any personal upgrades. “The so-called swimming pool was a fire pool constructed as the most viable option for fire fighting,” insisted Nxesi. “Whenever there’s a fire, Zuma and his guests will use buckets to scoop water from the fire pool to dispose of the threat. This is much more effective than using hosepipes and a pump.”

It was essential that a proper pool be built. “We can’t expect the president to use a dam,” he continued. “This is the Nkandla homestead we’re talking about, not some hut in Malawi.”

Nxesi also found that the million rand cattle kraal and chicken coop is essential for security. “More people die from cows than sharks every year, so we need to keep those animals under control, ” he claimed. “And a chicken coop is much safer than a military coup.”

Numsa’s Irvin Jim rejected the report, claiming that there is not sufficient evidence that the amphitheatre is apparently not an amphitheatre at all but is actually a retainer wall that happens to be curved to give it more structural support and steps to reinforce it. “If that’s not an amphitheatre, where is Zuma going to conduct government functions, such as receiving official delegations, that prompted the need for security upgrades?”

The Democratic Alliance demanded that an enquiry be launched into the findings of the enquiry.  “The citizens of this country need to know the facts surrounding the facts,” exclaimed the party’s Lindiwe Mazibuko.

The Economic Freedom Fighters emphasised that the security upgrades on the president’s home was not necessary. “He won’t be the president for much longer,” shouted Commander in Chief Julius Malema.

Terror Lekota of COPE suggested that the only way the ANC can justify the Nkandla spending is if they rephrase it as a parting gift to a resigning Jacob Zuma. “Once you start calling one thing something else, you might as well continue doing just that,” he remarked.

ANC stalwarts are adamant that Zuma’s inability to upgrade his own home without controversy should not reflect on his ability to lead a nation. “What’s important is that we now know that he doesn’t know anything. That is all.” BN

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Boston Masilela – Political Analyst

Boston Masilela – Political Analyst

Boston Masilela used to be a freedom fighter. When the battle against freedom was lost he switched his ak-47 for a yellow Bic pen and took up journalism instead. He prefers rooibos tea, enjoys a party and all his friends are politicians.

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