Kallis to Retire, Take Up Botany

Jacques KallisDURBAN – South African batsmen and greatest all-rounder in the history of all-rounders, Jacques Kallis, has announced his retirement from test cricket.

The former king of cricket plans on taking up botany as a new career. “After 18 years of being part of the Proteas team, I’ve learnt a few things about flowers,” says Kallis.

The knight of Newlands intends to grow proteas near Stellenbosch. “Proteas had been a part of my life for so long that if I can no longer be one, I’ll grow one.”

The end of the Jacques Kallis career will leave a Vredefort crater-sized hole in South African, and indeed world cricket. “It’s been 21 years of test cricket since South Africa’s return from the wilderness of isolation,” said former cricketer Peter Kirsten, “and Kallis was there for most of it.”

Andrew Hudson is adamant that it’ll be nearly impossible to replace Jacques Kallis. The convener of selectors maintains that you really need five players to fill in for his presence. “Kallis is worth a bowler, a fielder, two batsmen and then you need someone to do that silent, brooding stare from the changeroom balcony” he said. “We will petition the ICC to change the rules to allow 15 players in a team.”

For Kallis, retirement was a tough decision. “I’m still better than the other players, but I’m not as good as I want to be,” remarked Kallis. “So I’m losing against myself, and I don’t like losing.”

Although people have generally been supportive of Kallis and his decision, not everyone is thrilled. “I think he should keep playing,” shrugged his sister, Janine. “He’ll spend his days walking through the house playing shadow shots or phantom bowling and drive me bonkers. And trust me, you know he can drive. I’ll end up feeling like a Bangladeshi bowler.”

Jacques Kallis played his final game against India in Durban, scoring a century, sparking rumours that he’s only retiring from bowling. “He says he’s retiring because he’s not contributing to the team,” remarked commentator Aslam Khota. “It’s just his bowling that might be a little off.” BN

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Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Like all good sportsmen, Raoul was born in the Free State before being offered more money to move to Gauteng. He has such a keen knowledge of the games that he doesn’t need to watch it to know what’s going on. When he’s not following athletes around, Raoul can be found on his farm near Bronkhorstspruit, drinking whiskey and shooting his gun.

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