PAARL – In an attempt to keep up with other parties before the 2014 elections, the Democratic Alliance unveiled their own shiny new blue berets at a rally in the Western Cape over the weekend. This unveiling was done a week after the ANC unveiled their own shiny new red berets exactly like the red berets of EFF, which they unveiled a few months ago when the new party was formed.
According to party insiders, the berets are an important next step in their preparation for the upcoming election. “It has become clear to us that this election will not be won by political statements, but by fashion statements,” said the party’s young, vibrant parliamentary leader Lindiwe Mazibuko. “We need to let people know that blue is in this season. I’m even changing my lipstick to blue.”
Although red berets seem to be the norm, the choice to distance itself from the colour was an easy decision for the DA to make. “Our shirts are blue, our flags are blue, even our blood is blue,” insisted Mazibuko. “Most of us have blue eyes. I don’t, but the others do. There’s absolutely no red in the DA, especially not in our policy manifest. Hopefully not in our eyes either. Why would we have red berets?
ANC spokesman Jackson Mthembu has criticised the DA for wearing berets, claiming that they’re just jumping on the bandwagon because the ANC jumped onto the bandwagon. “We’re already copying EFF,” he reiterated. “Why would they now copy them as well?”
Despite its official colours being black, green and gold, the ANC decided on red for their headwear. “We were worried that gold on our heads would send the wrong message,” revealed Mthembu.
The DA remains unapologetic about their actions. “We may copy others, but at least our copies are original,” replied Mazibuko.
At the unveiling, party leader Helen Zille promised that if you vote for the DA, they would do everything the ANC promised to do, only better. “Every party is bringing the same, tired old politics to the table,” she said. “At least we’ve gone and coloured it blue.”
Unlike the red berets that just get plomped onto heads straight up without much form, the DA expects all their members to wear the blue beret in the proper manner. “We wear our berets the right way, with the logo to the left,” remarked Zille.
DA campaign strategists are certain that the distribution of free merchandise will have a definite effect on the outcome of the election. “People don’t want to hear any more promises,” said Federal Chairperson Wilmot James. They want something real and the want it now. How can you expect people to take you seriously when you make promise after promise about service delivery, then let them stand in line for hours just to have them go home without the t-shirt you promised? How?”
After everything’s been said and done, one question remains on everybody’s mind, which will be answered come election day. As Floyd Shivambu, EFF’s commissar responsible for policy, research and political education (take a deep breath and read it again) tweeted, “We know a #beret will win the election. Will it be red or will it be blue? BN
UPDATE: Turns out two months after this story was published, the DA actually unveiled real berets. Do you think Helen Zille reads Banana Newsline?
Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.