Shark Found in Mpumalanga Pothole

Pothole-sharkMACHADODORP – A woman in the Mpumalanga province of South Africa was terrorised by a terrifying shark on Tuesday. Rosie Morrison of Newcastle-upon-Tyne was lounging in her favourite pothole on the R36 between Machadodorp and Mashishing (formerly Lydenburg) when the frightening incident occurred.

“I was just there, you know, relaxing with a good Danielle Steel and a glass of cheap Shiraz when I noticed that fin,” said Rosie, still jittery after her ordeal. “It was just looming… menacingly.”

Miss Morrison managed to evacuate from the murky water to the safety of dry tar before the vicious aquatic beast could gnash off one of her legs.

The primary school teacher affirmed that the swift reaction of bystanders is what ultimately saved her life from coming to a gruesome end. “I wanted to jump out in horror immediately, but my friend Alison [Botha] insisted that we take a picture for her Instagram first,” she whispered. “Luckily she’s very quick with a camera, and I still made it out in time.”

The Mpumalanga Transport Department took note of the incident and stated that they will deal with the threat as soon as bureaucratically possible. “We will take every conceivable precaution to ensure people are safe from shark attacks,” asserted department spokesman Dumisani Malamule. “In the next financial year we will allocate funds to install shark nets over every pothole on every road in the province.”

Pothole Shark Hunter

An MTPA shark hunter hard at work.

An enquiry by the Mpumalanga Tourism and Parks Agency (MTPA) found that there is a steady proliferation of sharks in Mpumalanga potholes. “We are as of yet unable to determine where they come from,” said conservation expert Fanie Venter from the MTPA. “Although we suspect the rising number of larger potholes may be creating a suitable breeding environment for sharks.

The MTPA regards these pothole sharks as a pest. “Sharks are not indigenous to the area and must be eradicated in order to preserve the natural beauty of the province’s potholes,” he said.

Venter insists that fixing the potholes in order to wipe out the shark nuisance is not an option. He claims that potholes are essential to the area’s tourism industry. “People come here from the big cities to drive around and look at animals,” he exclaimed. “What are they going to talk about at work on Monday morning over a cup of Ricoffee if there are no bad roads for them to fuss about endlessly?”

Authorities are currently still attempting to apprehend the terrifying shark. BN

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Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie enjoyed the privilege of Apartheid rule and never bothered to get a proper education. The regime change left him unskilled, unemployed and broke, so he settled for being a reporter. Now he’s only unskilled and broke.

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