OSLO – American turncoat-in-hiding Edward Snowden’s nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize turned out to be nothing more than a plot to get him out of Russia. Documents containing a detailed CIA plan to lure Snowden out of hiding was leaked by an unidentified whistleblower and appeared on the Wikileaks website earlier today.
The plot involves nominating him for a Nobel Peace Prize and convincing him to travel to Norway for an award ceremony at the Oslo City Hall. During his flight from Moscow to Oslo, the aeroplane will be hit by a surprise thunderstorm over Turku, Finland, causing it crash nose first into the Baltic Sea, killing Snowden instantly.
The World’s leading snitch has been hiding in Moscow ever since his passport was revoked by the United States Government and he just happened to be in the city. Since he couldn’t travel any further, he has been granted temporary asylum by the Russian Federation. “We want to use this opportunity to raise a diplomatic middle finger to the United States of America,” President Vladimir Putin reportedly said in Russian at the time. [Translation may be a little off. Our fact checker’s Russian is a little rusty – Ed]
The move sparked some outrage in Washington, causing the near-fatal heart-attack of at least one congressman. “I will nuke those commie bastards a soon as I have a big enough drone ready,” American President Barack Obama replied.
Although tempers cooled a bit, The US still fears that executing Snowden in Russia could severely damage the fragile relations between the two countries, and plans to have him “disappeared” in transit instead.
Critics lamented the use of the Norwegian Nobel Committee to advance international political motives. “We now have a former Nobel Peace Prize laureate hunting a potential Nobel Peace Prize laureate because the potential Nobel Peace Prize laureate exposed the highly immoral surveillance of America’ citizens and allies by the former Nobel Peace Prize laureate, who in turn was awarded the prize for his “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples”,” remarked Tim Soppelstein from the organisation Nobel Prize Watch.
Only last year, the Nobel Committee gave the peace prize to Organisation for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons for its “extensive efforts to eliminate chemical weapons”, which is, you know, their job, in an effort to scare Bashar al-Assa of Syria into thinking the world is onto him.
Rumours that the documents containing the CIA plot were leaked by Edward Snowden are at present still unconfirmed. BN
Angry Bird has been to the end of the earth. He has been to the end of the water. He has been to the end of the sky. He has been to the end of the mountains. He has found none that are not his friends.