HARARE – In a drastic attempt to exploit a religious loophole, President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe yesterday announced plans to fast track a change in legislation which would legalise gay marriage in the predominantly Christian country, in a last ditch attempt to end drought.
The decision was made following talks with Mr Piet Rudolph of the Geloftevolk Republikeine, who recently blamed the floods in the Western Cape on the South African government’s decision to recognise same-sex marriages.
In a statement made last night, a spokesman for President Mugabe said: “When Mr Rudolph confirmed that the recent floods in the Western Cape were a punishment from the Lord, we realised we’d been doing it very wrong for all these years. We’ve been praying for water as reward for following the religious doctrines, but now it makes sense to use the wrath of the Almighty to our advantage and give gay marriage the green light.”
Robert Mugabe has an extensive history of violent and homophobic statements. During last January’s elections, this president ran on a platform that assured “hell for gays” if his party won, promising laws that would make LGBTIQ individuals rot in jail for life. Claiming ‘filthy gays destroy nations’, he has threatened to cut gay people’s heads off, castrate them and compared them to ‘pigs and dogs’. Mugabe also attacked Barack Obama’s stance on homosexuals ahead of the Zimbabwe elections in July last year.
Mr Rudolph was not available for comment at time of press, but a work colleague said he believes that the drought in Zimbabwe will soon be over. BN
Jammies quit a promising career as a borehole drill repairman after he discovered he can string together words to make up a coherent sentence and chose a new path as a miserably failing journalist. He lives with his wife, four children, two mutts and a Volkswagen Passat station wagon in Coronation Park, Krugersdorp