KUALA LUMPUR – The Malaysian authorities have shifted the focus of their investigation into the disappearance of the Malaysian Airlines flight MH370 onto the notorious magician and performer David Copperfield, a spokesman announced at a press briefing in Kuala Lumpur.
The announcement came after all other possibilities and impossibilities have turned out to be dead ends, revealing nothing about the aeroplane’s current whereabouts.
“He has made an aeroplane vanish before,” explained Jun Kapoor of the country’s Department of Civil Aviation. “We have every reason to believe that he’s done it again.
As the grand finale of his fourth Magic television special in 1981, Copperfield made a 7 ton jet disappear off a runway, with a live audience as witnesses.
According to Kapoor, a team of top Malaysian engineers devised the most likely theory to explain exactly what happened. “Copperfield is a master at sleight of hand,” said Kapoor. “We believe he managed to distract flight controllers and slipped the aeroplane down his sleeve.”
After a performance in West Palm Beach, Florida in 2006, Copperfield and two female assistants were reportedly mugged at gunpoint. His assistants gave the robbers their money, passports, and a cell phone. According to his police statement, Copperfield did not hand over anything, apparently having used sleight of hand to hide his belongings.
The Malaysian official also claimed that Copperfield flew through the air, propelled by the sheer power of his will, to get into a perfect position to execute the stunt. “We know that he can fly,” Kapoor affirmed. “We have seen his ’92 Magic special, subtitled Flying – Live the Dream. If you remember, Copperfield lifted himself off the ground with his mental prowess and flew around above the stage.”
Aviation investigators are confident that the new lead will pan out. “Copperfield can disappear and reappear; he has walked through the Great Wall of China and levitated over the Grand Canyon,” remarked former RAF navigator Sean Maffett. “If anyone can make an aeroplane vanish mid-flight without a trace, it’s him.
The US search delegation concurred. “When all else fails, you must start considering the supernatural possibilities,” insisted US Navy Commander John Michaels. “Whenever you are faced with a question you have no answer for, you can always just claim that David Copperfield did it. Problem solved.”
The American magician, who famously made the Statue of Liberty disappear in front of a live audience, issued a statement to deny the allegation.
“Anyone can make something disappear,” he said. “The real magic is in making things reappear.”
“If I had anything to do with the missing passenger plane, it would have been found long ago,” he continued. “I would’ve made it reappear with lots of smoke, flashing lights and fanfare on one of my islands in the Bahamas. And I would’ve sold tickets.”
State officials of the Bahamas confirmed that, at present, there is no Boeing 777 to be found on any of the 11 islands owned by David Copperfield. BN
Angry Bird has been to the end of the earth. He has been to the end of the water. He has been to the end of the sky. He has been to the end of the mountains. He has found none that are not his friends.