Jesus to Return in May

Jesus CloudKROONSTAD – The Son of God is preparing to return on May 2nd, according to a pastor from Kroonstad in the Free State province. Pastor Tshenolo Otsile, a minister at the Real Redemption Church of Christ, claims to have had direct word from Jesus about his imminent arrival.

“It was 4am when I got woken up by someone or something in my room,” he said. “It looked like an angel; very bright and fuzzy, slightly distorted – almost like I was half awake but still dreaming.”

The angel of the Lord had a lengthy discussion with Pastor Otsile, during which he explained the hastily arranged new direction God’s mysterious ways will be taking.

For nearly 2000 years the faithful remained strong in their belief that their Lord Jesus would keep his promise to one day return to earth, so he can pick them all up on a comfortable, spacious white cloud with ample legroom and great catering, and float them all first class on the long journey to heaven. Although a few clues may be found in the scriptures, there has never been any clear indication when exactly this arrival and subsequent departure will take place.

In the past, many have claimed that nuclear war, global warming, famine, pestilence, an apparent rise in natural disasters, the advent of open homosexuality or the popularity of The Spice Girls have been clear signs that the King of Kings is getting ready for His glorious reappearance.

This, however, seems to have been rather inaccurate. According to Pastor Otsile, Jesus did not plan on returning for many, many years. However, it was President Jacob Zuma’s constant invocation of God as part of his election campaign that prompted the Exalted One’s decision to speed up His divine plan.

“We shall build this organisation,” Zuma said at an ANC rally in Khayelitsha. “Even God expects us to rule this country because we are the only organisation which was blessed by pastors when it was formed. It is even blessed in Heaven. That is why we will rule until Jesus comes back.”

Pastor Otsile claimed that God has changed His all-knowing mind, and that being blessed by pastors is not the full criteria required to receive His official sanction anymore. “Jesus did endorse the ANC once, yes,” he said. “He wanted them to rule forever. But now, quite frankly, he had just about enough of them.”

Jesus wanted a party to rule South Africa with honour, dignity and integrity, but the ANC under Zuma is not quite following the plan, and he wants them out. “The angel said to me that Jacob Zuma has the integrity of a mine shaft,” said Pastor Otsile. “You’re never quite sure when you’re down there.”

A group of local heathens criticised Pastor Otsile, and wanted to know why Jesus couldn’t solve the ANC problem by simply ensuring that the party lose the election.

“Unlike Zuma, Jesus is a man of His word,” responded Pastor Otsile. “He made a promise that the ANC will rule until He comes, and He can’t just break his promise. That’s a bad example to his flock. It’ll confuse everyone with a ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bracelet. They’d think the ‘J’ in WWJD stands for Jacob.”

At time of print, Jesus has neither confirmed nor denied His impending arrival. BN

Radebe G. Radebe – Political Analyst

Radebe G. Radebe – Political Analyst

Radebe understands that you really need to look politics from all sides, weigh up all options and come to terms with what politics is before you can write about politics. This takes time and resources, and he never makes a deadline. Still, his ill-conceived articles are better than it would have been if he rushed it to meet demands. Even if we can never print it, because it’s too late.



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