Mbalula Introduces Racial Quotas for Golf

Fikile Mbalula tries his hand at golf.

Fikile Mbalula tries his hand at golf.

JOHANNESBURG – Sports Minister Fikile Mbalula plans to introduce a quota system for golf in an attempt to rectify the racial imbalance currently prevailing in the elitist sport. At present, all South African golfers competing in major international events are white, which is a clear indication that black golfers are underrepresented on the global golf calendar.

Failure to field 60% black players in major tours will lead to golfers being banned from being South African at professional events. Golfers like Ernie Els, Retief Goosen and Charl Schwartzel will no longer be able to say they are South African when they compete in the PGA Tour. They will not be allowed to display the South African flag, and any good performance will no longer be a source of national pride for the people back at home.

This is according to resolutions taken by the Department of Sport following a meeting between Mbalula and the provincial MECs for sport. Mbalula said the group decided to introduce a 60% representation quota after noting that black kids just don’t really play much golf.

The minister cited the great success of the quota system in other sporting codes as inspiration for the new resolution. “As we’ve seen with the rapid transformation of rugby and cricket, forcing top down representation magically spurs on development,” he said.

Mbalula claims that, ten years ago, a kid living in a zinc shack in Tokoza would never have been able to own a cricket bat and pads, and that because of the achievements of black players like Makhaya Ntini, even to the poorest of the poor inexplicably now have access to expensive cricket equipment.

“We’re not sure how it works, but every time Lonwabo Tsotsobe bowls a delivery, a cricket bat poofs into existence in a young boy’s shack,” explained Mbalula.

Even rugby tells of a fairy-tale transformation where lives have been touched by national quotas. “The success on the rugby field of players like Brian Habana and Beast Mtawarira has enabled township children to enjoy the same access to high quality facilities and fantastic programs run by experienced coaches as children from middle-class areas.”

Mbalula expects the same transformation success story to happen in golf. “If we have black South African players competing in international tournaments, golf courses will mushroom up in township areas, making the sport accessible to all. If kids from disadvantaged communities can see black players perform, they will be able to afford the great cost involved in playing golf, including clubs, balls and club membership fees.”

In fact, the quota system worked so well in other sport that the ministerial department plans to raise the required number of players of colour in rugby, cricket, netball and athletics as well. “I can already see a magnificent athletics track manifesting itself in a dusty Tembisa field by the sheer willpower of the transformative spirit,” grinned Mbalula.

The minister remains confident that an unwavering belief in supernatural anomalies will finally transform South African sport into a representative entity. “We can make unreasonable demands that would require divine intervention to reshape the socio-economic fabric of society in order to achieve transformation while maintaining a winning team,” remarked Mbalula, “and call everyone who don’t succeed a bunch of losers.” BN

 

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Like all good sportsmen, Raoul was born in the Free State before being offered more money to move to Gauteng. He has such a keen knowledge of the games that he doesn’t need to watch it to know what’s going on. When he’s not following athletes around, Raoul can be found on his farm near Bronkhorstspruit, drinking whiskey and shooting his gun.

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