PRETORIA – In a surprise announcement, the SAPS declared that their advance course in police bungling will be scrapped with immediate effect. The course, taught at police training colleges throughout the country, instructs trainee servicemen in the correct protocol to fowl up any police investigation.
“After a tedious, lengthy inquiry, we have discovered that making a complete mess of police work is no longer standard practice in any advanced nation,” said Police Commissioner Mangwashi Phiyega in a press conference at the SAPS headquarters in Pretoria. “As such, we will be phasing out the required module – Shoddy Police Work in a Civilised Society – from the Police Training Curriculum as soon as we manage to push the order through.”
Police officers in every province are disgruntled about the proposed shift in the approach towards police work. “This is an outrage,” howled Sergeant Dawie Veenstra of the Garsfontein Police Station. “Trampling crime scenes is the reason joined the force in the first place. How do they expect to inspire young people to sign up for the service if this isn’t allowed anymore?”
“Misplacing evidence is an art and can’t simply be done by just anyone. It takes years of practice to ensure that a crucial artefact is not found anywhere, by any policemen, at any station,” moaned Moses Msimang of Mamelodi East. “Without proper training, no rookie constable has a chance of mastering the art.”
Others are worried that the proposed changes may affect their work. “I’ve been told that I may no longer take down incorrect witness statements, said Attridgeville Police Station’s Simon Maponyane. “I’m not even sure if I can be a policeman any longer. Why would they want everything written down perfectly, word for word?”
“We’ve always taken pride in our ability to lose dockets,” said Hennerik Pels of Lyttleton. “When it comes to losing case files, we are truly among the best in the world. I don’t believe we’ll be able to keep this high standard of sloppiness up for much longer.”
“It’ll be sad to see these skills lost,” said Japie Snyman, an instructor at the Pretoria West SAPS Training College. “It has always been such an integral part of the great SAPS tradition. But what can you do? The orders came from the top.”
At present, several other police bungling courses, including the introductory level Taking Bribes in a Courteous Manner for Beginners and the post-graduate Ignoring a Crime-in-progress with a Clear Conscience training modules are still under review. BN
Manie enjoyed the privilege of Apartheid rule and never bothered to get a proper education. The regime change left him unskilled, unemployed and broke, so he settled for being a reporter. Now he’s only unskilled and broke.