Capitalism to Blame for South Africa’s Earthquake

No rooibos tea will ever be drunk from this cup ever again. An earthquake destroyed it, and most of South Africa, on Tuesday,  August 2014.

No rooibos tea will ever be drunk from this cup ever again. An earthquake destroyed it, and most of South Africa, on Tuesday, August 2014.

ORKNEY – Investigators into the earthquake felt across large parts of South Africa have discovered that Capitalism is to blame for the devastation.

Residents of the South African interior felt the earth move under their feet and the sky tumbling down on Tuesday, causing a few freshly poured instant Royco Cup-A-Soups to get spilt. The tremendous tremors – with its epicentre near Orkney in the North West Province – measured 5.3 on the Richter scale.

A ministerial task team appointed by the Minister of State Security, David Mahlobo, conducted a swift but thorough investigation into the cause of the natural disaster, and after scrutinising all of the available evidence, came to the inevitable conclusion that the upheaval was caused by the country’s capitalist-leaning economic system.

“After hearing the testimony of several witnesses to the event, we have concluded that our acrimonious ancestors are not happy about the looting of our precious minerals by the greedy Capitalists, and they sent the earthquake to inform us of their discontent,” Minister Mahlobo said in a press conference, held on the lawn in front of the Union Buildings, far away from its splendid limestone walls.

The investigative team recommended that the government implement a policy of nationalisation immediately, in order to appease the ancestors and avoid any further damage to property. “Either we take your mine, or the ancestors take your mine,” asserted Minister Mahlobo.

The Economic Freedom Fighters welcomed the earthquake. “The quake is a sign of the coming revolution,” an overjoyed Julius Malema , fearless Commander in Chief of the EFF later declared. “Expropriation to avoid obliteration!”

A number of other possibilities were also investigated. Both Hamas and the Israeli Government denied any responsibility for the earthquake. No evidence was found to tie Boko Haram to the disaster.

Several Christian Fundamentalists declared the earthquake to be a sign of the end times. However, the task team dismissed their claims. “The ANC will rule until Jesus returns,” insisted Minister Mahlobo. “So why would He try to destroy us with an earthquake?”

Maps of Southern Africa were turned into a splattering of pastel colours following tuesday's earthquake.

Maps of Southern Africa were turned into a splattering of pastel colours following tuesday’s earthquake.

COSATU General Secretary, Zwelinzima Vavi, denounced the task team’s findings. “They couldn’t be more wrong,” he fumed. “It’s more likely that the earthquake was caused by SAFA’s appointment of Shakes Mashaba as the new head coach of Bafana Bafana. He already failed in this position once before. His reappointment is most likely to annoy the ancestors.”

Expert earthquakologists suggested that inebriation is the best way to survive an earthquake of this magnitude, a theory with which several survivors concur. “I was stumbling all the way to the bathroom, but suddenly I was walking straight,” said Hannes de Bruin, a regular at Jock’s Bush Pub in Kilner Park, Pretoria. “Then I realised that the world is stumbling with me. When I lurched, the world lurched, and I lurched steadily all the way to the toilet. Unfortunately it was already down my trousers.”

Others believe that sellotape is the answer to ensure safety and security during an earthquake. “I’ve already sellotaped my three plaster ducks-in-a-row to the wall,” revealed Magriet Mostert, a housewife from Ermelo in Mpumalanga. “There’s no way it’s coming off when that unholy quake hits again. Now I’m going to sellotape my wooden giraffe statuette to the floor.”

Geologists warned that further earth movements could take place, as aftershocks are very likely after a major earthquake. “As a scientist, I believe there’s only one rational thing to do,” exclaimed Professor Andrzej Kijko, director of the University of Pretoria’s Natural Hazard Centre.”Go see your sangoma. Appease the ancestors. Do it, before we all end up living down a mine shaft.” BN

Miriam Mokoena

Miriam Mokoena – Cultural Affairs

Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.

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