Long live flour power and the Anti Noakes Congress!

Tim Noakes about to sit down to a slimming meal.

Tim Noakes about to sit down to a slimming meal.

I’m writing this in a secret bunker on the 18th day of July 2044. I’m writing this because the truth needs to be told so that some day someone will find this and know that the world wasn’t always this way.The resistance is in tatters – we’ve been annihilated. There are just a few of us left, mounting individual attacks, but it’s useless. It’s only a matter of time before we are weeded out and destroyed. We have lost.

It was in 2014 when our teacher told us that World War III would be fought between the East and the West over oil and religion. Could she have been more wrong? In those days we were happy and then one man got up and started instigating.
At first people said he was a noisy guy with just a few followers – they called him a mosquito; a fool, a clown – and made fun of him.

They said he was controversial, a rabble-rouser; that his ideas were dangerous and no one would take him seriously. It’s just a faddish gimmick that will soon be forgotten, they said.
He had a few fans, but he had many more critics than ardent supporters. But the
cult grew and his followers became increasingly vocal and militant.
The agitator I speak of is, of course, Tim Noakes. He said salvation lay with the lumpen proteinteriat in their struggle against the petty bungeoisie.

“My ideas are not new,” Noakes said. “A 100 years ago a great visionary declared: ‘The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of carb struggles’.” That was Carb Marx, who dedicated his life to a carbless society.”
Noakes launched the Meal Revolution, and said every missed steak was a mistake. The crossworders called his Meal Revolution “lame” (lame is an anagram of “meal”, ”revolution” is the anagram indicator).

But in spite of this Noakesism spread. Hollywood was split. Sean Penne rejected it but Kevin Bacon, the highly qualified actor (he has six degrees), endorsed it. Noakesist restaurants became trendy and people spurned the spud and joined the Noakeses’ Steakholders, who dressed in Lady Gaga suits of fillet and chunks of prime rib.

At first carb-eaters were allowed into carb-free restaurants, but things changed when the Noakeses formed the No Potato (NP) party and introduced a system of separate development, which he called apotatohate.
He warned about the carb gevaar and claimed there was a bread under every bed.

The Steakholders attacked bakers and anyone caught with potatoes or breaching one of the 10 Carbmandments was jailed. Public Loafing became an offence.

Then Noakes introduced Banting Education.
“Our bodies shall run on unbreaded fuel,” he declared.
While most people were panting about Banting, I was ranting about Banting. The world was divided into the Bantings and the small band of people who opposed them – the Buntings.

I’d graduated from the University of the Wheatwatersrand and believed there wasn’t a grain of truth in Noakesism. I was a child of the flour power revolution and, as far as I was concerned, Noakes was a cereal killer. He was protein.

I was anti-tein.

I followed in the steps of the great anti-Bantingistas like Bagel, Fidel Crusto and Che Guevaroll who said no whey. I became a founder member of the Anti Noakes Congress (ANC).
We first tried to negotiate with the NP but when Noakes and his food heavies would not budge, we felt we had no choice but to take up arms.

We are hungry for freedom – an ideal for which we are not prepared to diet.
A-Pasta Continua!

Article originally published on Jancerancer’s Blog.


Jonathan Ancer

Jonathan Ancer

I’m a journalist, cryptic crossword junkie, keen cyclist, Billy Bunter book collector and a Billy Bragg stalker. I love words and will post some of the columns I have written over the years on this blog. They include: View from the G-spot (my time as editor of a community newspaper in Grahamstown), Virgin Cyclist (the build up to my first Cape Argus PnP Cycle Tour), Pop psychology (my take on fatherhood) and Angry Utterances (10) (how crossword puzzles unlock the world’s secrets and the meaning of life). I will also be exploring my new journalism skills. Let me know what you think.


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