PRETORIA – President Jacob Zuma claimed that South Africans are too lazy to commit crime. “Foreigners come here, see opportunities and exploit them,” he said. “South Africans just sit around and wait for the government to do the stealing.”
Zuma said that since 1994, crime has played an increasing role in people’s lives. “There was no one who was talking about crime in the rural areas before 1994. It was not an issue and there were no xenophobic attacks for that.”
Since then, crime has been on a steady increase. “They have taken over criminal activity,” Zuma continued.
Nigerians enter the country and set up profitable drug smuggling rings. They have also cornered the prostitution market.
Vietnamese syndicates control the rhino horn industry, and they work with Mozambican contractors to handle the poaching on ground level.
High powered British investors monopolised private sector fraud and tax evasion, with foreign-owned companies selling natural resources at well below market prices, thereby paying much less tax. These sales are made to subsidiaries located in tax havens. From there they then resell tax free at market prices, and make more profit.
Zimbabweans dominate the housebreaking and car theft industries, while Angolans smuggle their post-civil war arms and ammunition leftovers into the country.
The president conceded that South Africans are at least still ahead of the pack when it comes to rape and murder. “But those crimes don’t really benefit the criminal, does it?” he sighed. “Those are financially fruitless endeavours.”
If he were a journalist, he would write to South Africans to say “wake up, there are things to be stolen, but you’re letting others steal it.”
Zuma reiterated that he would lead by example, and that together we can do more. “Just as I’ve built my own house using money stolen from taxpayers, so too can every South African build his own house.”
The Economic Freedom Fighters’ Floyd Shivambu demanded that something be done about the level of crime. “We must nationalise these crime syndicates at once,” he said. “If we allow these foreigners to loot and plunder there will be nothing left for us to loot and plunder when our government in waiting becomes a government incumbent.”
Congress of the People’s Terror Lekota sharply disagreed with President Zuma. “South Africans are not lazy,” he exclaimed. “They’re just in constant energy saving mode.” BN
Boston Masilela used to be a freedom fighter. When the battle against freedom was lost he switched his ak-47 for a yellow Bic pen and took up journalism instead. He prefers rooibos tea, enjoys a party and all his friends are politicians.