Ebola Virus Mutated – It’s Now More Dangerous

Protests have severely hampered Ebola's rapid spread.

Protests have severely hampered Ebola’s rapid spread.

CONAKRY – The dire situation in West Africa just got extremely worse. Medical personnel have reported several cases where victims have been infected with a new strain of the deadly Ebola virus.

“We believe that the Ebola virus has merged with syphilis in the body of a patient infected with both diseases, and as a result the effect it has on the brain is even more severe,” explained World Health Organisation (WHO) spokesman Boris Bleaker. “It quickly destroys human cognitive ability, causing victims to wither away much faster.”

This new strain of the virus remains in the body after death and can emulate brain function, causing Ebola victims to come back to life. However, regular brain function never gets entirely restored, making them more undead rather than alive.

Ebola can only spread when a person’s bodily fluids come in contact with the virus, either through a wound or saliva in the mouth. With this mutation the risk of infection has drastically increased, since these reanimations are driven by a strong urge to bite healthy people.

It is believed that when bitten by such a being, one can also contract the Ebola virus, which would then lead to inevitable death and subsequent reanimation. “I’ve seen a former patient just rise up and start gnawing on a nurse,” sobbed Médecins sans Frontières doctor André Augustine. “It was horrific. I had to bludgeon him with a bedpan.”

Despite the new developments, the WHO urged people to remain calm. “There’s no need to panic,” insisted Bleaker. “We have this new strain just as under control as the old strain.”

For ethical reasons, and because it’s unlikely for a medical treatment that would fully restore life to the half-living to be developed anytime soon, it has been determined that the undead should perhaps be returned to the status of deceased.

A reanimated creature, colloquially known as a zombie, in Conakry, Guinea. Zombies are said to be the result of a new strain of the Ebola virus.

A reanimated creature, colloquially known as a zombie, in Conakry, Guinea. Zombies are said to be the result of a new strain of the Ebola virus.

The only way to ensure that an Ebola victim stays dead is to destroy the brain. During the burial preparation process, the mortician should delicately cut open the head, remove the brain and incinerate it separately.

However, in extreme cases and when pressed for time, it is highly recommended that the skull simply be crushed with a cricket bat. Employ enough force to splatter the brain.

These reanimated corpses horde together and roam the streets in search of brains for personal consumption. If you happen to find yourself in the vicinity of the walking dead, do not attempt to confront it. Instead, seek out the help of the nearest military personnel. They are well trained to deal with this eventuality.

However, in extreme cases and when pressed into a corner, it is highly recommended that the skull simply be crushed with a cricket bat. Employ enough force to splatter the brain.

If you suspect that you might in fact have fallen victim to Ebola, do not panic. Calmly proceed to your nearest treatment facility, and try not to puke on anyone. If you manage to reach it, the relevant authorities will either nurse you back to health or dispose of your body in the proper manner – whichever comes first.

However, in extreme cases and when you realise that you might not make it, it is highly recommended that you simply crush your own skull with a cricket bat. Employ enough force to splatter the brain.

If no cricket bat is handy, a golf club, tyre iron or any kind of garden implement can also be used. BN

Angry Bird Hiawatha - Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird Hiawatha – Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird has been to the end of the earth. He has been to the end of the water. He has been to the end of the sky. He has been to the end of the mountains. He has found none that are not his friends.

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One response to “Ebola Virus Mutated – It’s Now More Dangerous

  1. Hilarious!

    Anyone who believes this is a lunatic.

    Like

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