Port Elizabeth – The Eastern Cape ANC Youth League Conference ended in chaos as disagreeing delegates started bashing each other with chairs. Then the lights went out, and more violence ensued.
“Ayanda [Matiti – former chairman] told people to look under their chairs, like he was Oprah or something,” explained Mzonke Ndabeni, a bloody delegate. “They found nothing. Next thing you know, all hell broke loose.”
“It was like we were playing musical chairs,” he added. “When the lights went out, everybody stormed for a chair.”
Conference organiser, Ncedo Kumbaca, blamed the misconduct on Apartheid, the political system used by the minority of whites to brutally oppress the country’s black inhabitants.
“It’s the former colonial masters that brought us chairs. Even today still we are suffering from the consequences,” said Kumbaca, a possible candidate for EC Chairman.
“Verwoerd taught us to use chairs,” he continued. “What we saw today was a direct result of that.”
“This kind of thing just doesn’t happen if you sit on the ground. You can’t hit each other with sand.”
Alfred Nzo, another bloody delegate, firmly agrees that mysterious third party forces are to blame. “Capitalists sold us those chairs,” he claimed. “That’s why we need Socialism now more than ever.”
As the chairs were manufactured in China, some delegates began to question the wisdom of South Africa’s close relationship with the major Asian nation. “It’s obvious that China is trying to become our Neo-Imperialist masters,” cried league member Dikgang Stock. “The mighty dragon wants to eat us and our resources, and it’s starting by breaking our heads open with chairs.”
The ANCYL national coordinator, Magasela Mzobe, lamented that the event was doomed to fail right from the start. “You can’t select a chairman when there are so many chairs around,” he said.
Mzobe is adamant that the delegates themselves could not be blamed for anything that happened. “What? No, how can you blame the league for what transpired? You must be mad!” BN
Boston Masilela used to be a freedom fighter. When the battle against freedom was lost he switched his ak-47 for a yellow Bic pen and took up journalism instead. He prefers rooibos tea, enjoys a party and all his friends are politicians.