Baleka Mbete doesn’t want to recognise any of you. Why, you ask? Well, you’re doing it wrong. You can’t just stand up and demand to speak, as proper democratic procedure dictates! No, you need to be savvy. Never fear! Banana Newsline has the ultimate guide to getting recognised. Works every time, guaranteed, or your money back within before Julius gets back.
Here are your ten points of order.
1. Wear a name tag
Baleka has a short memory. Even though you were there the day before, she won’t remember you the next day, and she won’t recognise any of you.
2. Don’t bring an elephant
When you have an elephant in the room, nobody will want to talk to you. That’s one sure way not to get recognised. Leave your elephant at home.
3. Learn to rap
Nothing says “you better re-kog-nize” like busting out a rhyme. When you got the flow, the peeps will know, Go, Go, Go! No diggity.
4. Ride a unicycle
Have you ever seen a guy on a unicycle? Of course you have. And if you see him again, you will most certainly recognise him. Hey, when you’re in a circus, you better have a trick.
5. Cut off your arms
Being armed will get you recognised by the riot police, but it won’t get you recognised by Baleka. Only if you are completely unarmed to the fullest extent of the word will you be left alone by the police, and recognised by Baleka.
6. Jump through hoops
This works especially well if the hoops are on fire. Now if you can do that while juggling two jobs and three razor sharp swords, well, you will most certainly get recognised.
7. Learn to dance
Dancing to someone else’s tune always gets you recognised. Dance wherever you can, whenever you can. Do a traditional dance, or just shake a leg. Just as long as you dance to a tune Baleka likes.
8. Marry Kanye West
If you can see this, it must mean the internet has been repaired.
People will recognise you wherever you go. Even in parliament. No seriously, it’ll work. You won’t have to break parliament to get recognised. But you might break the internet.
9. Be on the right side
One sure way to get recognised, is to be on the right side, which is the left side. But not too to far left side. That will ensure that you remain unrecognised for at least 30 days.
10. Be the proud owner of a fire pool
Does Baleka have a fire pools. Can she even swim? Who knows? But if you have one, a very expensive one right next to a brand new thatched roof homestead, you will definitely get recognised.
There you have. Follow these ten easy steps, you will get recognised time and again and again. Remember, the more you do, the better your chances get. No go out there and get recognised! BN
Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.
Parliament Diary: Scenes of Shame (The Daily Maverick)