PRETORIA – Afrikaans singer and Apartheid activist, Steve Hofmeyr, threatened to create his own political party if he gets one million supporters. After much campaigning by his most dedicated worshippers, he managed to scrape together 189 000 followers. He went ahead to form his political party anyway.
This new organisation will be named the Toeka Party, or TP for short. “Toeka refers to a time long gone,” explained Hofmeyr. “We demand change, to change things back to the days before everything changed.”
Even though the next election is still far into the future, Hofmeyr and his cohorts presented the new Toeka Party’s manifesto.
The manifesto contained several key points Hofmeyr feels are essential to transform the transformation of South Africa into something slightly less transformative, and, according to Steve, those key points are as follows:
“It will be out with the new, and in with the old. We will get rid of the Old New South Africa, and it will be in with the New New South Africa, which will be more like the Old Old South Africa, essentially making the New New South Africa a New Old South Africa.
In this New New South Africa, every man will have the right to sing Die Stem whenever he likes. Okay, I realise that every man has the right to sing Die Stem, even now in the current New South Africa. But when I’m president, singing Die Stem in its entirety will not symbolise a desire to bring back Apartheid any more. Mostly because Apartheid would already be back.
The constitution will be changed so that freedom of speech will include freedom from responsibility and freedom from consequence, except for Julius Malema. He will be held accountable for his words no matter what.
Every Boer will have a bakkie. If you can’t afford a bakkie, one will be given to you. No bank or sponsor will be allowed to take away your bakkie, no matter what you say or do.
Men will be allowed to marry only one woman, and only have children with this one woman. Illegitimate children will be unacceptable. This is the Afrikaner way. None of this Black African “marry lots of woman and have children left, right and centre” shenanigans will be tolerated. I am an Afrikaner, and my party will exist purely to promote the Afrikaner way of life.
We, as a party, will work towards a justice system where blacks who are caught speeding at over 160km/h will get released on bail of R5 000, and whites on only R500.
If I’m president, everybody will write with their right hand. The left won’t be tolerated.
Everybody will support the Blue Bulls. Also, I will ensure that every Blue Bull is made a Springbok. Eventually, I will phase out all the other teams, and we’ll be left with only one Blue Bull team, who will play against themselves. And none of them will eat off the floor.
The war against puppeterror will be stepped up. Every person who owns a puppet will be accused of idolatry, branded a heretic and forced into exile. All puppets will be gathered by a special new police unit called Kleivoet. We’ll build a big bon fire and burn them all while sitting around it drinking gemmerbier and singing Neil Diamond songs.
And finally, in the interest of public decency, South Africans will be strongly discouraged from un-Steve-ing themselves.”
According to a source close to Hofmeyr, the singer-recently-turned-politician will travel to Bronkhorstspruit to kick off a nationwide pannekoek sale to raise funds for the TP campaign. Hofmeyr hopes to secure enough funding to register the party for the 2019 election.
The entertainer is undaunted by the mammoth task of leading a political organisation. “I’ve been to many a party in my life. How hard can this be?” BN
Saartjie wanted to be a pop singer but she couldn’t sing. Instead, she started following pop singers around. She became a journalist to avoid getting arrested.
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