PORT ELIZABETH – Yet another statue has been vandalised. A sculpture of Johnnie Walker was defaced outside The Brick and Mortar, a pub in Port Elizabeth last night.
The statue was sprayed with an as yet unidentified green substance during the early hours of the morning. The provincial management of the Economic Freedom Fighters in the Eastern Cape has claimed responsibility for the act.
Preliminary investigations revealed that EFF leaders frequented the pub to plot anti-colonialist economic emancipation and the liberation of land invasions over a few tumblers of Johnnie Black on the rocks. Eyewitnesses confirmed that the act of vandalism took place after another of these strategic meetings.
EFF spokesman, Makhaya Nbikhi, maintains that all symbols of colonialism and white oppression must go, and Johnnie Walker was no exception.
“Johnnie Walker is known as the man who brought whisky to South Africa,” he said. “It was this desire to drink whisky that inspired the colonial masters’ effort to conquer all of Africa. Even today, especially in the mornings, we are still feeling the effect of the colonial legacy of Johnnie Walker.”
“Too much whisky creates a monumental babelaas,” he continued. “We as a people cannot be free for as long as these symbols of the pain and anguish we suffer in the morning remain standing.”
According to Nbikhi, the EFF delegation did not have any paint readily at hand, so instead they vomited on the statue. “A man must revolt when a man feels revolted,” he asserted. “Revolution waits for no man. Sometimes it comes out when you least expect it.”
Management of the Brick and Mortar was not too offended by the incident. “These things happen,” sighed Justin Brooks, the owner. “My cleaning staff will have it all soaped up in time to open.”
The EFF has not yet declared any plans to eliminate the alcoholic substance represented by the statue. BN
Boston Masilela used to be a freedom fighter. When the battle against freedom was lost he switched his ak-47 for a yellow Bic pen and took up journalism instead. He prefers rooibos tea, enjoys a party and all his friends are politicians.