DURBAN – Every person found guilty of committing a xenophobic crime will be sent to Somalia. That is the outline of a new plan being implemented by the South African government following a spate of attacks against foreigners in KwaZulu-Natal and elsewhere.
Vice President Gwede Mantashe announced the proposal at a press conference earlier today.
“We will be working closely with Al Shabaab in Somalia to accommodate these xenophobic villains,” he said. “We call them Xenofaults, because they are broken people, and what they do is wrong.”
Refugee camps will be set up in Somalia to concentrate the xenophobic brutes together. Al Shabaab will set up camps in the Xuddur and Bu’aale regions. These camps will form the basis of the National Sensitivity Towards Foreign Nationals Training Program.
The days will be spent breaking rocks, digging mass graves for fallen soldiers and sowing buttons back onto uniforms, while Somali terrorists scream insults about Shaka and his mother into their ears. Nights will be spent wailing and gnashing their teeth.
Mantashe believes that giving people the opportunity to learn how it feels to be hated for being from another place will help them understand why their actions are wrong.
“Well basically, these Xenofaults will get first-hand experience of what it’s like to live in a strange land where everyone wants to kill you,” he said. “I think the hostile environment will do them good.”
“Being South African means living with the spirit of Ubuntu towards those around you,” Mantashe continued. “The Xenofaults are people who really don’t want to be South African anymore. We’ll help them, and send them to Somalia.”
After six months, once the training program has run its course, the xenophobic hooligans will be reintegrated into society as proper, newly formed human beings.
Critics have slammed the proposed plan, calling it far-fetched and short-sighted.
Francois Cronkite of the Centre for Human Rights-related Mental Illness believes that xenophobia is a symptom of the other problems endemic to our society, which shapes our moral understanding.
“If years of Apartheid, where people have been hated for being different, haven’t taught people that hating others for being different is wrong, then nothing will,” he lamented. “We should just give them jobs to keep their hands busy and hope for the best.”
Pastor Ray Makhali of the Ministry of the Living Jesus believes the violence is happening because people misunderstand the Bible.
“Jesus told us to love thy neighbour,” reminded Pastor Makhali. “He never said anything that we must love thy neighbour, unless he’s from Zimbabwe.”
The pastor believes the only way to end xenophobia is through educating people about the real words of Jesus. “I don’t think those Somali warlords will teach people much about the Bible,” he sighed.
The xenophobic criminals will be taken to the Durban harbour, where they’ll be loaded onto a boat headed towards the Horn of Africa. There they will be captured by Somali pirates before getting shipped to their final destinations in rusty old military vehicles, surrounded by red scarves and RPGs. BN
Salim Malik is not sure where he’s from. That makes him a foreigner wherever he goes. Being a foreigner is all the experience he needs to be a foreign correspondent. Salim travels the globe hunting the news and chicken vindaloo.