About Banana Newsline

South Africa’s only official purveyors of satire. SABS approved.

We are news makers. We make the news. Then we tell you about it in painstaking detail. We bring you the truth behind the truth.

Banana Newsline is not affiliated with any organisation, political or otherwise. We are still waiting on bribes. We will only affiliate if the price is right.

Warning

Banana Newsline is banned in 17 African countries. Do not read Banana Newsline if it’s banned in your country of residence.

What’s in a name?

The banana is the funniest fruit in the Vegetable Kingdom. Eating fruit is important for a healthy lifestyle. So is reading the newspaper. That’s why this is called Banana Newsline. No reference to monkeys was implied, and you should be ashamed of the kind of person you are for assuming as much.

satire

· n.

the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices.

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Submit a story

banananewsline@gmail.com

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The Hacks Who Contribute Regularly:

Radebe G. Radebe – Political Analyst

Radebe G. Radebe – Political Analyst

Radebe understands that you really need to look politics from all sides, weigh up all options and come to terms with what politics is before you can write about politics. This takes time and resources, and he never makes a deadline. Still, his ill-conceived articles are better than it would have been if he rushed it to meet demands. Even if we can never print it, because it’s too late.

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Boston Masilela – Political Analyst

Boston Masilela – Political Analyst

Boston Masilela used to be a freedom fighter. When the battle against freedom was lost he switched his ak-47 for a yellow Bic pen and took up journalism instead. He prefers rooibos tea, enjoys a party and all his friends are politicians.

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Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie enjoyed the privilege of Apartheid rule and never bothered to get a proper education. The regime change left him unskilled, unemployed and broke, so he settled for being a reporter. Now he’s only unskilled and broke.

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Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Despite being previously disadvantaged, Dumisani managed to achieve the 30% mark required to pass matric. It was enough to enable him to secure his dream job: Being a journalist. Dumisani lives on his couch with his two plants.

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Jammies Janse - Current Affairs

Jammies Janse – Current Affairs

Jammies quit a promising career as a borehole drill repairman after he discovered he can string together words to make up a coherent sentence and chose a new path as a miserably failing journalist. He lives with his wife, four children, two mutts and a Volkswagen Passat station wagon in Coronation Park, Krugersdorp

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Salim Malik - Foreign Correspondent

Salim Malik – Foreign Correspondent

Salim Malik is not sure where he’s from. That makes him a foreigner wherever he goes. Being a foreigner is all the experience he needs to be a foreign correspondent. Salim travels the globe hunting the news and chicken vindaloo.

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Angry Bird Hiawatha - Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird Hiawatha – Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird has been to the end of the earth. He has been to the end of the water. He has been to the end of the sky. He has been to the end of the mountains. He has found none that are not his friends.

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Remington Steele - War Correspondent

Remington Steele – War Correspondent

Remington was born at gunpoint on the Cape Flats. He spent his whole life following guns around, shooting them with his camera. He believes the pen is mightier than the sword, but he’s still not sure where the fire arm fits into the equation. When not reporting on a war he… Oh, hang on. There’s always a war going on.

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Barend Strijdom – Law Correspondent

Barend Strijdom – Law Correspondent

While serving time and trying to fight the system from the inside, Barend learnt a thing or two about the law. He follows the law closely, from a distance, and the law follows him. Do not tell anyone that he’s out.

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Shreekanth Lakshmi - Economic Analyst

Shreekanth Lakshmi – Economic Analyst

As a baby, Shreekanth had diapers made of money. He was fed a steady diet of money, and even had a tricycle made entirely of money. He has devoted his whole life to money, and money devoted itself to him.

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Miriam Mokoena

Miriam Mokoena

Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.

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Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Like all good sportsmen, Raoul was born in the Free State before being offered more money to move to Gauteng. He has such a keen knowledge of the games that he doesn’t need to watch it to know what’s going on. When he’s not following athletes around, Raoul can be found on his farm near Bronkhorstspruit, drinking whiskey and shooting his gun.

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Arthur Ford - Science and Technology

Arthur Ford – Science and Technology

Arthur spent many years trying to find empirical evidence that the earth is round. When he discovered it has already been proven he decided to focus on reporting the findings of other, more distinguished scientists instead. In his free time he researches the psychology of African killer bees.

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Saartjie Vermaak - Entertainment News

Saartjie Vermaak – Entertainment News

Saartjie wanted to be a pop singer but she couldn’t sing. Instead, she started following pop singers around. She became a journalist to avoid getting arrested.

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Wally Walker - Photographer

Wally Walker – Photographer

Wally Walker is a world traveller and time travel aficionado. He’s been everywhere, and has a habit of blending into his surroundings, often making him hard to find.

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Allyson Skikas Johnson

Allyson Skikas Johnson – Sub-editor

A political refugee from New York, New York, the queen of the Xerox machine escaped the oppressive Obama regime for the more relaxed oppression of the Zuma regime.

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Cor Rautenbach

Cor Rautenbach – Editor-in-chief

Cor’s entire history was censored by the Apartheid government. So censored, in fact, that it can’t be fully recovered.  There is nothing more to say.

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Disclaimer

  • Banana Newsline is not a credible news source. “The truth behind the truth” is not a claim of factual accuracy in any way. It means that a story could reveal some insight into the truth, even if the facts are not represented truthfully. Satire, however truthful it may seem, is still a form of fiction, and should be regarded as such.
  • The views expressed on Banana Newsline, even those expressed by the company or its publishers, employers, advertisers or any of its affiliates, do not necessarily reflect those of the company or its publishers, employers, advertisers or any of its affiliates.
  • The names used, even the real ones, are fictional and any resemblance to actual persons or entities is coincidental, unintentional, and accidental (or unfortunate), even when it’s on purpose, intentional, and deliberate (but still unfortunate).
  • Some quotes are real, most aren’t. We can’t tell the difference anymore. But you probably shouldn’t use any quote on Banana Newsline as an actual reference for something said by anyone. No article is written with the purpose of deceiving or spreading false information. We expect of any person to notice the irony, paradox and gross exaggeration in any story, and as a result not accept it as truthful. Should any person accept any of our blatant lies as absolute truth, we take no responsibility, and place the blame squarely on the education system.
  • Any threats to take legal action, however serious it may be, against Banana Newsline will have you be subjected to constant ridicule.
  • We probably won’t delete any comments that may be racist, homophobic, defamatory, xenophobic, etc, because we want your ignorance to be seen and known to all. However, we reserve the right to delete any comments we see fit, because this website belongs to us, not to you.
  • No part of Banana Newsline may be reproduced or transmitted in any form without properly crediting Banana Newsline as the source. It’s not too much to ask. Don’t pass our work off as yours, that’s all.
  • No part of Banana Newsline may be reproduced for financial gain without written permission of the Publisher. If you make money off of us, you damn well better ask us first.
  • If we inadvertently used anything without proper consent, or neglected to provide proper credit, please notify us and we will rectify it immediately after our morning coffee.

For any related or unrelated queries email us
banananewsline@gmail.com

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