Gatiep and Meraai

Gatiep and the Fruit

Gatiep is selling fruit on Mitchells Plain.
He walks up to the car and says: “Peske, Peske. Lekke peskes. Net vyf rand virrie laanie.”
The guy in the car says: “Is hulle soet?”
Gatiep replies: “Dja menee, kyk hoe stil sit hulle!!”

Gatiep and the Snoek

Gatiep, selling snoek on the corner shouts: “Hier’s djou snoek”
The guy in the car says: “Wat vra jy vir daai snoek?”
Gatiep replies: “Ons vra hulle niks. Wil djy hulle iets vra?”

Gatiep and the Car

Gatiep and Gamat are hanging around in Mitchel’s Plein and decide to go for a drive in Gatiep’s car.

Gatiep: “Bra Gamat, check bietjie my indicators if they still working…”

Gamat: “Aweh, my lanie, switch them on.”

Gatiep: “Are they working?”

Gamat: “Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.”

Gatiep and Satan

Satan visits Cape Town and meets Gatiep.
“Do you know who I am?”
“Nay”, says Gatiep, “Gimmy a hint.”
Satan says, “I am the prince of darkness.”
“Jis,” says Gatiep, “jhy’s mos the CEO of Eskom!”

Gatiep and the Elephant

Gatiep is working at the zoo. He especially enjoys cleaning out the elephant’s enclosure, since the zoo’s sole elephant is an intelligent and obedient animal called “Nuts”.

All he has to do is say “come over here, Nuts”, or “sit down, Nuts” and the elephant will do what it is told.

One day he comes into the manager’s office dripping wet, flings down his broom and shouts “Ek’s klaar! I’ve had all I can take! I quit!”

“What’s wrong, Gatiep?” asks the manager.

“I can’t take the guy selling peanuts any more. Every day when I’m in with the Elephant he’s yelling “Peanuts! Peanuts!”

Gatiep and the Bottle

Gatiep sits on the pavement contemplating his fate. He lost his job, his wife took the kids and divorced him.

He sees a box of empty wine bottles and strolls over. He takes an empty bottle, throws it against the wall and yells: “Djy’s the reason because why I don’t have a wife anymore!”

He takes a second bottle and throws it: “Djy’s the reason why my kids are gone!”

A third bottle: “Because of djy I have no job!”

He takes a fourth bottle but notices that it’s still unopened and full. He puts the bottle down and says, “Djy stay on the side for now, my broe. I can see that djy was not involved.”

Gatiep on Death Row

Gatiep and Gammat is on death row and were sentenced to die in the electric chair.

Gatiep asks the warden: “Ek sê, my bra, is dis a long and painful story?”

“No,” says the warden, “We strap you in tight, flip a switch and then it’s all over.”

The day of the execution arrived, and first they took Gammat away.
Hours afterwards Gatiep could still hear Gammat scream, “Eina, eina, it’s sore, eina!”

Gatiep asks the warden, “Ek sê, my broe, I thought you said dis isent a big story, how is my chommie still screaming from hours of pain and suffering?”

The warden answers: “You see, it’s like this… Because of all this Eskom loadshedding the electricity is off, now we have to burn him with candles!

Gatiep and the Radio

A radio station was having a competition where 10 people could win a trip to Mauritius if you met three simple criteria:
1) You should be fluent in English
2) You should be non-alcoholic
3) You should be employed

Gatiep called in…

Gatiep: “I carren’t reelly speek English so lekke…”

Presenter: “and…”

Gatiep: “En I’m drinking a lot of beers,”

Presenter: “and…”

Gatiep: “Joo see I don’t reelly work…”

Presenter: “So, what is it that you want, you don’t qualify for the competition.”

Gatiep: “Jaa, but I’m jus founing to say…

I’m not going wiff”

Gatiep and the Dog

Teacher: Who can tell me how many legs a dog has?

Gatiep puts up his hand: It has four legs, medam.

Teacher: Very good. Okay, who can tell me how many ears a dog has?

Gatiep puts up his hand again: It has two ears, medam.

Teacher: Well done, Gatiep. Now, who can tell me how many tails a dog has?

Gatiep, yet again: Ekskuus, medam, don’t you know what a dog looks like?

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