Politics in South Africa is a joke. To make matters worse, here’s a collection of political jokes.
Jacob Zuma and the Queen
President Jacob Zuma met the Queen of England earlier this year. He asked her: “Your Majesty, are there any tips you can give me to run a government as efficiently as you do in the UK?”
“Well,” replied the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”
Zuma frowned. “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”
The Queen took a sip of tea and said: “Oh, that’s easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle.”
She pushed a button on her desk and said: “Please send David Cameron in here, would you?”
Cameron walked into the room and said: “Yes, my Queen?”
The Queen smiled. “Answer me this, please, David. Your mother and Father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, “That would be me, your majesty.”
“Yes! Very good David,” replied the Queen.
When president Zuma returned to Cape Town, he asked to speak to Fikile Mbalula. When he arrived, Zuma asked: “Answer me this please, Fikile. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”
“I’m not sure,” replied Fikile. “Let me get back to you on that one.” Fikile returned to his advisors and asked everyone, but nobody could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up at the V&A Waterfront and bumped into Mark Lottering.
Fikile looked around to see if anyone could overhear them, and whispered: “Mark! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Mark whispered back: “That’s easy. It’s me!”
Fikile smiled and thanked Mark before heading back to Parliament to speak with Zuma.”I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Mark Lottering.”
Zuma got up, stomped over to Fikile, and angrily yelled into his face: “No, you idiot! It’s David Cameron!”
Jacob Zuma and the Cheque
Jacob Zuma walked into a branch of First National Bank to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said, “Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?”
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?”
Zuma: “Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am Jacob Zuma, the President!”
Cashier: “I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters, fraud and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity.”
Zuma: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you.
Everybody knows who I am.”
Cashier: “I am sorry Mr President; these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”
Zuma: “I need this cheque cashed.”
Cashier: “Perhaps there’s another way. One day Ernie Els came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Ernie Els he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful putt across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Ernie Els and cashed his cheque.
“Another time, Naas Botha came in without ID. He pulled out a rugby ball and made a fabulous drop kick where the ball landed in my coffee mug. With that spectacular kick we cashed his cheque. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, the President?”
Zuma stood there thinking and finally says: “Honestly, I can’t think of a single thing I’m good at.”
Cashier: “Will that be R100 notes or R200 notes, Mr President?”
Malema’s Last Stand
Julius Malema, Robert Mugabe and Yoweri Musoweni were all on death row in a Chinese prison. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So Mugabe said, “Shoot me right in the head.” Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then Musoweni said, “Just hang me.” Snap! He was dead.
Malema’s turn came, and he said, “Give me some of that AIDS stuff.”
They gave him the shot, and Malema fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
“Give me another one of those shots,” Malema insisted. So the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden asked, “What’s wrong with you?”
Malema replied, “You guys are so stupid… I’m wearing a condom.”
Julius and Floyd: The Mummy
Julius and Floyd are at a museum standing in front of a mummy.
Floyd sees a board with “1227 BC” written on it.
Floyd says to Julius “I wonder what that means?”
Julius answers ” That’s his BBM pin baba!”
Zuma’s Bread and Biscuits
Gwede Mantashe gave R10 to Jacob Zuma to buy him
Then, Cyril Ramaphosa also gave
Zuma R10 to buy him a bread.
After 20 minutes Zuma strolled back into the Union Buildings without anything in his hands.
They asked him what was wrong,
Zuma replied: “Your R5’s are both the same,so I did not know which one is for biscuits and which one is for bread.”
The Colour Test
Julius Malema and Jacob Zuma are at school.
One day, in the classroom, the teacher decided to test their knowledge.
Teacher: “Julius, can you please give us three different colours that you know.
Julius: “Brown, dark brown, and light brown.
Teacher: “Oh, I see. Jacob can u also give us three different colours that you know?”
Jacob: “Yebo kulula lokho mam. “Loaf brown, Chris Brown, and Brown Dash.”
Teacher: “Ok people, give me the names of cities that you know…”
Mantashe: “New York City!”
Teacher: “Good! And you Mbeki?”
Mbeki: “Joburg City!”
Teacher: “Very good! Your turn, Zuma.”
Teacher: “Uhhhhm, what?”
Zuma: “I’m kidding, Rhythm city!”
Teacher: “Mxm, Malema please help your president…”
Malema: “Pie City!