The Best South African Jokes

Drinks on the House

A Zimbabwean, a Nigerian and a South African are sitting in a bar in Beria.

The Zimbabwean finishes his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces.

In Zimbabwe,” he says, “we have so many glasses that we don’t have to drink with the same one twice.”

The Nigerian, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.

“In Nigeria,” he says, “we have so much stolen money that we don’t have to drink with the same one twice either.”

The South African, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his .45, and shoots the Zimbabwean and the Nigerian. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar and calling for a refill, he says,

“In South Africa we have so many illegal aliens that we don’t need to drink with the same ones twice.”

World Medicine

An American doctor says: “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks.”

A British doctor says: “That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks.”

A Canadian doctor says: “In my country, medicine is so
advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in
another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks.”

A South African doctor, not to be outdone, says: “Eish, you guys are way behind…… We took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.

 The Blonde and the Bank

A blonde walks into a bank in Johannesburg and asks for the loans dept. She says she’s going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow R10,000…

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the papers and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank manager and its staff all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a R500,000 Rolls as collateral against a R10,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the R10,000 and the interest, which comes to R141.66.

The bank manager says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow R10,000?”

The blond replies … “Where else in Johannesburg can I park my car for two weeks for only R141.66 and expect it to be there when I return?”

The Law Machine

In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves. They took it out to different countries for a test.

U.S.A: in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves;

UK: in 30 minutes it caught 30 thieves;

Spain: in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves;

Uganda: in 10 minutes it caught 80 thieves;

Nigeria: in 7 minutes it caught 200 thieves,

South Africa: in 5 minutes the machine was stolen, while the engineers operating the machine were kidnapped!

The SARS Form

My tax income form was sent back by SARS because of the question “Amount of dependants?”

I answered: “65% of the population don’t pay tax, 2,1 million are illegal immigrants, 900 000 are criminals in jail and last but not least there are 789 idiots in parliament.

This really bothered me. Who did I leave out?

The Three Little Bears

Baby Bear, sitting in his little chair at the table, looks at his little porridge bowl.
“Who ate my porridge?” he sobs.

Pappa Bear looks at his big porridge bowl.
“Who on earth ate my porridge?” he demands angrily.

Mama Bear sticks her head through the kitchen door and shouts,
“I haven’t made the porridge yet…

BECAUSE THE POWER IS OUT!”

The Man and the Ostrich

A man walks into the Spur with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, chips and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be R59.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, chips, and a coke.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,” says the man. “Same,” says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be R132.60.” Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

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