Category Archives: Entertainment

Theuns Jordaan Will Give Back Gert Vlok Nel’s Song

Gert Vlok Nel vs Theuns JordaanBEAUFORT WEST – Multi-platinum selling Afrikaans singer Theuns Jordaan promised to give the poet Gert Vlok Nel back his song, Beautiful in Beaufort-Wes. On his Facebook Page, Vlok Nel accused Jordaan of stealing the song 18 years ago. Since then, devoted fans have rallied behind Jordaan, but the singer finally conceded that the song he built his whole career on does, in fact, belong to Vlok Nel.

“Yes, Gert created Beautiful in Beaufort-Wes,” he said. “I really just borrowed it and forgot to give it back.”

Jordaan insist that he will return the song to Vlok Nel this weekend, soon after his next show. “It’s probably time to give it back to its rightful owner,” he sighed.

According to friends and family, Jordaan has kept Beautiful in Beaufort-Wes in a Ziploc bag, stuffed in a vanity case and locked in the safe of his Stellenbosch home. “The song is my precioussssss!!!,” hissed Jordaan, leaning forward on his couch. “Nobody touch my precioussss!!!”

The singer will pack the song, vanity case and all, into a corrugated fibreboard box, load it into the boot of his sponsored vehicle and drive it there himself. “I don’t trust the Post Office,” he claimed. “And I’m not really ready to let go of my prrecioussss just yet.”

The Afrikaans community was shocked, and reactions varied considerably. Some agree that Jordaan should return the song, some believe Vlok Nel should just accept defeat and move on, while others are devastated with the turn of events.

Sannie Steyn, secretary and mother of three from Secunda, is not sure if she can carry on with her life. “I can’t believe it,” she cried. “Theuns and Beaufort West is so synonymous. Now I learn that he doesn’t even live there. He never lived there. This is the end!”

Frans Venter, a farmer from Ventersdorp, thinks that a more popular singing voice should determine ownership of the song. “Look, I like the way Theuns sings it more, so it’s his song now, finish en klaar,” he barked. “Gert should stop moaning. Listen, my friend Dirk had a car, a nice Opel Corsa. I took it for a spin, just around the block. I drove it better, so it’s mine now. Let me show you, it’s in the garage.”

Frans’ friend Dirk agrees. “It’s not wrong if you’re famous,” he added.

“I’ve never heard of this Gert guy,” grumbled Cobus Kotze, a cattle feed salesman from Christiana. “So because I’ve never heard of him, all credit should go to Theuns. It all depends on who I know. That’s just how it works.”

On the other hand, Naas Blignaut from Bloubergstrand believes that people should lay off Gert for a bit. “Perhaps, if Theuns never sang the song, only a few people would’ve heard it,” he lamented. “But if Gert never wrote the song, nobody would’ve heard it.” NB

 

Saartjie Vermaak - Entertainment News

Saartjie Vermaak – Entertainment News

Saartjie wanted to be a pop singer but she couldn’t sing. Instead, she started following pop singers around. She became a journalist to avoid getting arrested.

 

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Steve Hofmeyr Reveals New Political Party Manifesto

Steve Hofmeyr

“Ermagherd! Pollytieks!” – Steve Hofmeyr

PRETORIA – Afrikaans singer and Apartheid activist, Steve Hofmeyr, threatened to create his own political party if he gets one million supporters. After much campaigning by his most dedicated worshippers, he managed to scrape together 189 000 followers. He went ahead to form his political party anyway.

This new organisation will be named the Toeka Party, or TP for short. “Toeka refers to a time long gone,” explained Hofmeyr. “We demand change, to change things back to the days before everything changed.”

Even though the next election is still far into the future, Hofmeyr and his cohorts presented the new Toeka Party’s manifesto.

The manifesto contained several key points Hofmeyr feels are essential to transform the transformation of South Africa into something slightly less transformative, and, according to Steve, those key points are as follows:

“It will be out with the new, and in with the old. We will get rid of the Old New South Africa, and it will be in with the New New South Africa, which will be more like the Old Old South Africa, essentially making the New New South Africa a New Old South Africa.

In this New New South Africa, every man will have the right to sing Die Stem whenever he likes. Okay, I realise that every man has the right to sing Die Stem, even now in the current New South Africa. But when I’m president, singing Die Stem in its entirety will not symbolise a desire to bring back Apartheid any more. Mostly because Apartheid would already be back.

The constitution will be changed so that freedom of speech will include freedom from responsibility and freedom from consequence, except for Julius Malema. He will be held accountable for his words no matter what.

Every Boer will have a bakkie. If you can’t afford a bakkie, one will be given to you. No bank or sponsor will be allowed to take away your bakkie, no matter what you say or do.

Men will be allowed to marry only one woman, and only have children with this one woman. Illegitimate children will be unacceptable. This is the Afrikaner way. None of this Black African “marry lots of woman and have children left, right and centre” shenanigans will be tolerated. I am an Afrikaner, and my party will exist purely to promote the Afrikaner way of life.

We, as a party, will work towards a justice system where blacks who are caught speeding at over 160km/h will get released on bail of R5 000, and whites on only R500.

If I’m president, everybody will write with their right hand. The left won’t be tolerated.

Everybody will support the Blue Bulls. Also, I will ensure that every Blue Bull is made a Springbok. Eventually, I will phase out all the other teams, and we’ll be left with only one Blue Bull team, who will play against themselves. And none of them will eat off the floor.

The war against puppeterror will be stepped up. Every person who owns a puppet will be accused of idolatry, branded a heretic and forced into exile. All puppets will be gathered by a special new police unit called Kleivoet. We’ll build a big bon fire and burn them all while sitting around it drinking gemmerbier and singing Neil Diamond songs.

And finally, in the interest of public decency, South Africans will be strongly discouraged from un-Steve-ing themselves.”

According to a source close to Hofmeyr, the singer-recently-turned-politician will travel to Bronkhorstspruit to kick off a nationwide pannekoek sale to raise funds for the TP campaign. Hofmeyr hopes to secure enough funding to register the party for the 2019 election.

The entertainer is undaunted by the mammoth task of leading a political organisation. “I’ve been to many a party in my life. How hard can this be?” BN

Saartjie Vermaak - Entertainment News

Saartjie Vermaak – Entertainment News

Saartjie wanted to be a pop singer but she couldn’t sing. Instead, she started following pop singers around. She became a journalist to avoid getting arrested.

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Sorina “Die Flooze” Erasmus Admitted to Hospital with Ebola

The Flooze in a more upright position.

The Flooze in a more upright position.

WITBANK – Emergency quarantine procedures were initiated after the Afrikaans singer/actress Sorina Erasmus was admitted to the Witbank Provincial Hospital on Sunday. This is the seventh suspected case of Ebola in South Africa since the start of the recent outbreak that has claimed so many lives already.

Reports suggest that the singer of megahits such as “Die Witbank Wenresep” managed to make it to the hospital all by herself. On arrival she apparently demanded to see “a doctor, a real doctor, one with a degree and all that rigmarole.”

An eyewitness confirmed that The Flooze entered the hospital on all fours before puking into a palm tree pot plant and tumbling over onto her back. When medical personnel arrived, she tuned the doctor “howzit, my tjomma,” before stumbling to her feet and collapsing on the gurney.

The 7de Laan star was immediately rushed to a makeshift quarantine facility where she was tended to by nurses in full protective gear. When a nurse in a hazmat suit entered the room, she reportedly tuned the nurse “ek watch jou, Mannemarak,” before hurling more pap en sous onto the nervous nurse’s feet.

Doctors took samples of her blood and rushed it through testing to confirm if she had indeed been infected by the deadly Ebola virus. Results showed a blood alcohol level of 0.34mg. However, she tested negative for Ebola.

The Flooze confirmed that she had a late night with a group of local Witbank bikers and things got a little out of hand. “I didn’t mean to make such a mess. True as Bob,” she said. “I promise, cross my heart and hot cross bun, I’ll never drink again. Not until this Ebola thing is over. From now on I’ll be drinking net Oros in ‘n lang glas.”

Sorina is currently resting in the hospital’s general ward, with a drip to replace her lost bodily fluids and ease her over her paradigm shifting babelaas.

The biker gang could not be reached for comment.

At present, no South African has ever had Ebola. Ever. BN

Saartjie Vermaak - Entertainment News

Saartjie Vermaak – Entertainment News

Saartjie wanted to be a pop singer but she couldn’t sing. Instead, she started following pop singers around. She became a journalist to avoid getting arrested.

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Jacob Zuma – 99 problems but Nkandla ain’t one

J-Zuma living it up, Nkandla style.

J-Zuma living it up, Nkandla style.

To add a cherry to the top of the Nkandla cake debacle, South Africa’s very own Jay Z has topped off a weeklong spate of reaction to his Nkandla report response with a song.

Instead of going the route of thorough explanation or even accountability, Jacob Zuma has opted for parody. Surprisingly.

Sources close to the presidency say that Jay Z spent several hours “gathering his thoughts” last week after offering the public a watered down response to the Public Protector’s Nkandla report.

“Delivering a non-response of that degree and passing the buck to the new police minister is hard and wearing for the president. Especially when he is trying to tap into his creative side and delve into song writing so that he can further add fuel to the fire of speculation. People think this is an easy task, but it certainly isn’t,” said the source who prefers to stay unnamed.

The source also added that Zuma had eventually emerged from his trance like state of thinking with a proclamation that he was now ready to “focus on being focused”.

Careful consideration was given to the overall theme of the song. Zuma wanted the lyrics to reflect a factual account of his pattern of denialism and his skill for “passing the buck” at breakneck speed.

The president, a long-time admirer of hip-hop artist and industry mogul Jay Z, thought the artist’s hit song 99 Problems, would be the perfect departure point for his own narrative. 99 Problems is famed for having a second verse that is dedicated to an actual experience in Jay Z’s life, where he is stopped by a police officer who wants to search the rapper’s car for drugs without a warrant. When Jay Z refuses, the officer calls for sniffer-dogs.

It is speculated that Zuma, perhaps unwittingly, is using the song as a metaphor for the bigger Nkandla picture.

The compound being the car, the sniffer dog is … well, you do the math, and the search is for responsibility … But before he actually gets there, in skilful fashion, Zuma proudly blurts out, “I got 99 problems but Nkandla ain’t one”.

As quoted from Zuma’s new release:
“If you havin’ public protector problems
I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but Nkandla ain’t one
Hit me

The year is 2014 and Nkandla is still raw
Thuli’s on my case, mentioning the law
I got two choices y’all, I can just ignore
Or make the police minister responsible
And then ignore some more

Now I ain’t trying to see myself burned at the stake
Plus I got a few rand-ellas I can fight the case
So I … pull out a statement that’s premature
The media says my ‘intentions aren’t pure’

Coz I’m a tainted president
And my credibility’s real low
Do I look like I care? The answer is no

Thuli says I benefitted from the upgrade
But I ain’t saying nothing, coz I got it made
‘Take steps with the assistance of the national treasury’
What’s the point, that doesn’t benefit me?

The police minister will ‘expedite the review’
Until then I’ll act like I don’t have a clue
If you havin’ public protector problems
I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but Nkandla ain’t one
Hit me”

It is said that Zuma is known among insiders for comparing himself to the hip-hop artist – helped by the fact that they share the same initials. Zuma is also on a constant search for his very own Beyoncé.

“The president came up with this genius idea to marry his love for rambling and music and Jay Z by sampling 99 Problems. And instead of the original hook, the president thought it would be really fresh to sing: I got 99 problems but Nkandla ain’t one”, explained the source.

Since music is such a universal language, what better way to get the president’s “it wasn’t me” attitude across to the nation than through song?

Article originally published on Mail & Guardian

Read more from Haji Mohamed Dawjee
Follow Haji on Twitter: @sage_ of_absurd

Millions Tune in to Watch Oscar

Ellen DeGeneres with an Oscar

Ellen DeGeneres with an Oscar

This time every year the world is consumed by Oscar fever, and this particular year didn’t disappoint. The anniversary of the incident came and went, as the public prepared themselves to follow all the action with renewed passion.

Earlier this year the court ruled that Oscar can be televised live. Ever since Justice Dunstan Mlambo decided that some parts may be broadcasted on television, the ordeal has become hotly anticipated, and experts believe it could become one of the most watched events of the year.

Early signs indicate that they may turn out to be right, as millions of viewers tuned in to watch the stars line up on the red carpet. Rumours started circulating that some people actually saw the films being honoured at the event.

Matthew McConaughey took home the award for best actor, while more awards were also handed out to other people for other things.

Jennifer Lawrence managed to fall flat on her face twice this year. Once outside, tripping soon after arriving, and once more inside, when she didn’t win anything. Last year she fell flat only once, when she tripped on her way up to receive her award.

Meryl Streep, Amy Adams and Lupita Nyong’o started dancing right there while the ceremony was still in full swing. Nobody had any doubt that they only showed up to get invites to the after party. Lupita even went as far as collecting an award [for best supporting actress] to ensure that she would get in.

Jared Leto [best supporting actor] took the time to thank the people of Ukraine and Venezuela for their committed and passionate support of his acting career.

The event was hosted by Ellen DeGeneres, famous for tweeting a tweet that got the most ever retweets, having been retweeted over a million times and temporarily breaking Twitter.

Due to his bail conditions, Oscar Pistorius unfortunately could not attend the event in person. BN

Saartjie Vermaak - Entertainment News

Saartjie Vermaak – Entertainment News

Saartjie wanted to be a pop singer but she couldn’t sing. Instead, she started following pop singers around. She became a journalist to avoid getting arrested.

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Satirical Newspaper Responsible for MP’s Yellow State of the Nation Dress

The Official Banana Newsline State of the Nation Dress.

The Official Banana Newsline State of the Nation Dress.

JOHANNESBURG – Thandile Sunduza, the women being ridiculed for her terrible fashion sense, has revealed that Banana Newsline, a South African satirical newspaper, is responsible for creating the much disparaged garment.

The seven month pregnant Member of Parliament has been derided endlessly for the yellow dress she wore to Jacob Zuma’s State of the Nation Address.

“I wore the dress to support South Africa’s growing interest in satirical writing,” she remarked from her hospital bed, where she’s being treated after collapsing from a severe case of mockery.

She admitted that the dress was designed specifically for her by Banana Newsline, one of the more popular outlets for satirical writing, to raise further awareness of the newspaper.

The government official claimed that it is her duty as a public servant to support writing in all it’s forms. “Yes, even the writers of satire,” she said. “Even though they mock everything we do. It is part of my duty. I’m the arts and culture portfolio committee chairperson, after all.”

According to Banana Newsline, the purpose of the stunt was to encourage people to stop focussing on real issues, and indulge in the more trite elements of the political landscape. “As South Africans we focus too much on issues like jobs and housing,” stated staff writer Boston Masilela. “We don’t spend nearly enough time worrying about what our politicians eat, what they wear, and where they bought their vacuum cleaners.”

“Our young democracy will not grow if we don’t focus more on the banal,” he continued. “We desperately needed to turn the State of the Nation Address into the State of the Nation’s Dresses.”

The newspaper is convinced that the State of the Nation Address is the perfect setting to get the ball of nihilism rolling. “We all know what the president will say,” asserted Masilela. “The real question should be “What will he wear?”

The satirical news outlet is satisfied with the success of the publicity stunt. “The whole dress was designed to fit the banana motif, which is integral to the identity of the newspaper,” rejoiced Masilela. “We are quite proud. The shape, the curves, the colour, it all came together perfectly.”

Banana Newsline also expressed delight about unwittingly completing phase two of their five point plan to create a society completely devoid of any self-worth. “Maybe it went a little too well,” laughed Masilela. “We’ve managed to turn the whole nation into judgemental dose.” BN

 

Miriam Mokoena

Miriam Mokoena – Cultural Affairs

Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.

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Malema Wins Race War, Hofmeyr Defeated

Steve Hofmeyr wants to moer someone, Julius Malema shows who's number 1.

Steve Hofmeyr wants to moer someone, Julius Malema shows who’s number 1.

Juju speeds toward economic freedom in his lifetime in a BMW 530D.

BRONKHORSTSPRUIT – During last night’s race war, Julius Malema annihilated  Steve Hofmeyr by a staggering 46km/h.  Hofmeyer raced through Bronkhorstspruit at 169km/h, but Malema eventually edged him out with an impressive 215km/h.

Hofmeyer is adamant that there was an unfair race bias. “Malema got the big, wide N1 highway,” he foamed. “My race was near Bronkhorstspruit.”

According to reports they were racing to determine which of them is South Africa’s fastest racist. The two arch-rivals were both arrested because of their race.

The leader of the Economic Freedom Fighters is undeterred by his brush with the authorities.  “All great struggle heroes spent time in jail,” insisted Malema. “Now I had my night.”

When asked why he was driving so fast, Malema replied that it’s because he is a born revolutionary, and that he needed to experience revolution. “At 215km/h, my engine is turning at 6500 revolutions per minute.”

According to Malema this tendency to limit speed is a roadblock on the way to total emancipation. “What good is having political freedom, or even economic freedom, if we don’t have the freedom to drive fast?”

Steve Hofmeyr claims that Juju’s 215km/h is proof that there’s a white genocide happening in South Africa. “Why else would he be driving that fast?”

The ANC denied allegations that arresting Malema for speeding was part of a plot to make people forget about Nkandla. BN

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Barend Strijdom – Law Correspondent

Barend Strijdom – Law Correspondent

While serving time and trying to fight the system from the inside, Barend learnt a thing or two about the law. He follows the law closely, from a distance, and the law follows him. Do not tell anyone that he’s out.

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Kurt Darren to Have Electronic Hip Replacement

Kurt DarrenPRETORIA – Popular Afrikaans singer Kurt Darren will get an electronic hip after being involved in a car accident. This new hip will allow him to improve on the trademarked Kurt Darren Hipshake™ that made him famous. “My new hip will have artificial intelligence, allowing for enhanced anticipation of movement,” the singer revealed.

Having returned to the stage recently – wearing an eye-patch to cover his still recovering eye – Darren found that the Hipshake™ was not up to the usual standard and consulted with his doctors. “People don’t come to my show to hear me sing, they come to see me shake my hips. I need to do what I can to give my fans what they want.”

According to Darren, he discovered the Hipshake™ purely by accident. “Sometimes even I was surprised when my hip suddenly shook, but the fans loved it. It made me famous so I never complained,” laughed Darren.

Incidentally, it was another accident that will lead to the new, improved Hipshake™. “Well, my hips always had a mind of its own. Now it will have a better mind of its own.”

The singer, known for the throwaway pop hits Kaptein, Loslappie and Meisie Meisie, was involved in a car crash on his way home from a rugby match at Loftus Versveld in Pretoria. The Toyota Fortuner in which he was travelling rolled after swerving to avoid a head-on collision with an oncoming car. “One minute I was at a rugby game, the next I felt like I played a rugby game,” laughed Darren.

It has been verified that the accident did not happen because he celebrated the Bulls victory too much, nor was it a deliberate attempt on his life by liberal Afrikaners who hate what they refer to as “his trashy dance music”.

Darren is very optimistic about what the future could hold in store for a newer, better Kurt Darren. “I think when I’m fully recovered and recording a new album, I should probably use more electronic effects on my voice. If I’m gonna be half robot I might as well sound more robot.”

However, it’s the possibilities of live shows that get him really excited. “I can’t wait to get back onto a stage all new and improved. I’m looking forward to being hipper than ever.” BN

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Saartjie Vermaak - Entertainment News

Saartjie Vermaak – Entertainment News

Saartjie wanted to be a pop singer but she couldn’t sing. Instead she started following pop singers around. She started writing to avoid getting arrested.

 

 

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Spanish population slowly returning to Spain after visit from Jeremy Clarkson

Top GearThe people of Spain are slowly returning to their country this morning, after fleeing to avoid a visit by Jeremy Clarkson.

With high unemployment, recession and crippling debts to contend with, a visit by the team from Top Gear was the last thing that Spain needed.

“We didn’t have the resources to contain him, so we sent out the signal to ‘abandon country’”, explained President Mariano Rajoy.

“Sometimes its better to realise you’re in a fight you can’t win.”

With airports, motorways and whole cities left boarded-up and abandoned, Clarkson was disappointed to find little left for him to be racist at.

“I enjoy visiting Spain in a car that costs half their GDP”, explained Clarkson. “There’s nothing more satisfying than being better off than some foreigner.”

But after 2 hours of searching for someone who looked a bit ‘swarthy and lazy’, the team gave up, and did some burn-outs and donuts.

Top Gear in Spain

Rajoy single-handedly looked after Spain while Top Gear was there, and spoke of his dread as he saw them approach.

“There was this deafening roar as they emerged through the heat haze”, said Rajoy.

“A strong smell of petrol and a convoy of support Land Rovers. The noise was too much, it was driving me insane. But then he stopped for a moment to breathe in.”

Rajoy explained how he hid behind a rock to avoid being patronised, and watched as Clarkson and May dressed the small one up as a donkey.

“They dragged him up a church tower and threatened to shove him off”, said Rosa. “You could tell he was scared, because he agreed that Porsches are necessary. Then the other two laughed and set fire to a sombrero.”

Eventually, the trio got bored and drifted off through Portugal, allowing the Spanish to return to their country.

“It was tough time, but you have to look on the positives”, said Rajoy.

“The economy is in much better shape now, thanks to how much those idiots spent on petrol.”

Article blatantly stolen from News Thump.

The Black Cat Bones Admit to Lip-syncing

The Black Cat BonesSILVERTON – Best Live Band MK Award winners The Black Cat Bones admitted that their live performances are staged. The band decided to come clean after a number of devotees reportedly contended that their shows were unbelievably good.

Several incidents during their last performance at the Bohemian in Melville did not go amiss, and followers of the band started getting suspicious. “It was when the bassist jumped off a monitor with his bass above his head that I started suspecting them,” recalled fanatical fan Skullie Schoonraad. “The moment was so unreal that I wondered if it was real.”

Band members remains unapologetic about what they’ve done, and claim that they were driven by a responsibility to their admirers. “We want to give our fans the best value for money,” declared singer Kobus de Kock Jr. “To put up a good live show you need to be spontaneous and passionate. We meticulously contrive spontaneity and passion to ensure that we are as spontaneous and passionate as possible without allowing spontaneity and passion to get in the way of a show.”

The band from Silverton in Pretoria claims that a lot of hard work goes into preparing for performances. In order to ensure that every show is unique, they record new backtracks every week. “There’s no way you can sound like a live band if you don’t use fresh backtracks,” claims De Kock. “If you don’t change your backtracks you end up sounding like an artist who uses backtracks.”

The Black Cat Bones accepting the MK Award for Best Live Band

The Black Cat Bones accepting the MK Award for Best Live Band

The Bones maintains that the process is not as simple as recording a few notes and climbing onto a stage. “It’s hard work,” insisted drummer Jason Hinch. “Every time we change backtracks – and we change backtracks all the time – we have to practice getting in synch again.”

A Bone To Pick

Since the announcement, the group has come under fire from outraged aficionados but they remain unfazed by their critics. According to guitarist Andre Kriel, “Most of the successful artists in South Africa use backtracks. Everybody knows that. I don’t see why it’s such a problem that we do it as well – or better, even. You don’t become the best live band by simply playing live.”

“It’s impossible to put up the kind of performances we do while actually playing live,” continued bassist Chris van der Walt. “No band can create so much energy and vibe while actually playing instruments. It’s just impossible.”

MK made it clear that they won’t backtrack on awarding The Black Cat Bones with the best live band award. Said spokesman Rian Greyling, “Even if they don’t really play, they still put up one hell of a show.” BN

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Saartjie Vermaak - Entertainment News

Saartjie Vermaak – Entertainment News

Saartjie wanted to be a pop singer, but she couldn’t sing. Instead, she started following pop singers around. She started writing to avoid getting arrested.

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