South African President Jacob Zuma disappeared. The poor [er, rich, actually – Ed] man was nowhere to be found. Numerous calls were made by the DA and the EFF to find the lost leader of Africa’s most African nation. Finally, after some serious investigation and consulting several sangomas, Wally Walker has the answer.
Finding Himself in Port St Johns
The president was lost, but now he’s found. He also found himself, down in Port St Johns. “It was a really spiritual journey for me,” reflected Zuma. “It was evening and I was facing the red sea of EFF, there was no doubt in my mind where I was longing to be. So I got the old kombi out of my large Nkandla garage and just drove and drove until I got here. No more Julius. No more Thuli. No more Zillas. Just me and my hubbly bubbly”
Msholozi spent his days on top of a koppie, staring at the ocean, smoking hookah while wondering what deeds are to be done, what victories are to be won, what songs are to be written and what lyrics are to be rhymed. “The waves are so hypnotic, like a large woman’s buttock,” he said deeply. ”Especially when my head gets a little fuzzy from too much shisha. This stuff makes me makes me feel just as fine as when I saw Port St Johns for the first time.”
The president prefers Strawberry flavour. “Mint is also nice,” he added.
Ballet Dancing in Sydney
During a quick sneak into Australia, Jacob went to the Opera House in Sydney, where he saw a performance by a company of Chinese dancers. Afterwards, he got to meet some of the performers. “I told her that her moves are very beautiful, but that I can teach her a few of my own, and that’s exactly what we did.”
Zang Yashu, the president’s dance partner, was quite a quick study. “The umQhogoyo is very easy,” she said. “First you put your right foot in. Then you take your right foot out. And then, you shake your whole body all about.”
Meeting Japanese Women
In Tokyo, Jacob frequented the geisha houses. It is there that he developed a great appreciation for Japanese culture.
“Here in Japan, I am so impressed to see how the people here show respect,” he said, before taking another sip of sake (rice wine). “A woman would clasp her hands together and even bow forward to show respect.”
Jacob also expressed interest in a possible cultural exchange. “If she can become a Zulu, I would take a Japanese woman as my next wife,” he laughed.
Phumela Ndende, coordinator of the Eastern Cape-based Support Centre, a women’s rights group, criticised his comments. “Before you can appreciate a culture, you must first see if that culture oppresses women,” she said.
Learning Tai Chi in China
While backpacking through China, Msholozi discovered the ancient martial art of Tai Chi in an old temple in the Guangdong province.
“I thought they were offering me something to drink,” Jacob explained. “At first I said no thanks, because I prefer umqombothi. But then they took me outside and showed me.”
After a few swings of his arms, the president was hooked. It reminded him of dlala ‘nduku, the stick fighting he did as a young herd boy. Soon he was practicing every day.
“It’s very relaxing, this chai tea,” Jacob remarked casually. “I have a very stressful job. Most important is that this also teaches you the basics movements of kung fu, so next time Thuli [Madonsela] shows up, she must beware.”
Zuma’s teacher, Mr Miyagi, believes that the honourable president is a very promising student. “He learnt to wax on very quickly,” he said, “and his wax off is also getting good.”
Fire Jumping in Albania
On his way from China to Europe on Atul Gupta’s private jet, Jacob decided on an impromptu stopover in Albania, because he’s never been there before, and it reminded him of the bread he ate back home. There he found a gathering of youngsters amusing themselves by jumping over fires. He promptly decided to get in on the action.
“No, I’m not scared at all.” he laughed. “I’ve been feeling the heat lately, so I’m quite prepared. It’s exciting, isn’t it? It’s really nice to feel a different kind of heat.”
Would Jacob like to do this sort of thing more often?
“I can’t do this at home,” he lamented. “My fire pool is in the way”
Ice Fishing in Finland
Summer in South Africa is quite hot, and the air conditioners at Nkandla don’t work so well, with the Eskom blackouts and all. Numba 1 decided to give the crippled power company a break and visit Finland. And when in Finland, you do as Finn does.
Of course, that means running around in the snow in your birthday suit, and maybe doing a little fishing. “They wanted me to go nekkid,” he laughed, “but I said that there’s no way I’m taking off this leopard skin. I’m a president, we do as I say.
Now that it’s done, the president swears he’ll never do it again. And by the looks of things, bilateral agreements between the two nations may have taken a knock. “These Finns are crazy!” howled Zuma. “If I see a Finn coming one way and a shark fin from the other, I’ll go to the shark fin.”
Wooing the Ladies of London
The ladies love Zuma, and Zuma loves them. In London, capital of the British Empire, he met the granddaughters of a cousin of the queen’s brother-in-law’s younger brother. Being a statesman himself, Zuma was immediately attracted to royalty. “Whether it’s the boss of a country or the boss of a football club, if she’s related to the boss, my pants get antsy.”
Research has shown that four out of five women love Jacob. He has four wives, but has been married five times, with one divorce.
When asked if it’s wise for him to take on another wife, Zuma replied, “Women are like cows. One can never have too many.”
“I have a few cows in my kraal,” the president continued. “What good are they if I don’t use them for lobola?”
On Stage with Miley Cyrus in America
Jacob likes to dance. So when Miley beckoned him to get on stage at a concert in Nashville and dance with her, he jumped at the opportunity. “I love Miley Circus, she’s great,” the president beamed. “That white girl can really bust a move.”
Miley offered the president the chance to sing along, but he declined. “I have a paper with the words,” he sighed, “but I can’t read fast enough to keep up.”
It turns out JZ has not seen the last of Miley just yet. “I’ve invited her to come take a dip in my fire pool,” he said. “Maybe she’ll sing by the amphi.., eish, I mean, retainer wall.”
Celebrating Day of the Dead in Mexico
The president arrived in Mexico just in time to celebrate Day of the Dead, a holiday during which loved ones who passed away are honoured by dressing up in macabre costumes and carrying around skeletons. “It was a bit scary at first, because it’s like you see the tokoloshe everywhere,” he said.
Soon, however, Jacob felt right at home. “The white face paint reminds me of ukusoka, the initiation I went through as a boy. Except here they don’t cut your manhood.”
Zuma said that he would like to see something similar to the Day of the Dead take hold in South Africa. “I like this idea that people party to celebrate the dead,” he mused over a couple of cervezas. “I hope that one day people will party to celebrate when I’m dead.”
Sunbathing in Tahiti
Tahiti is a wonderful place to catch some rays, and JZ spent some time catching a few z’s on the beach. “I was getting too pale skinned,” he said. “The majority started to think that I don’t have their best interests at heart. So now I’m burning myself a little darker again here in Tahiti. It’s a magical place.”
The South Pacific Island is famous for its fine sandy beaches, crystal clear waters and beautiful blue skies. “It’s a magical place,” said Zuma.
According to Jacob, Tahiti is the perfect place to rejuvenate oneself. “It’s almost as if you’re rebuilt and you come out a brand new version of your own self,” he thought out loud. “It’s a magical place. I don’t know why I keep saying that.”
Fishing in Bolivia
In search of some adventure, Msholozi travelled down to Bolivia to explore the Amazon. The jungle is treacherous, with a thousand ways to die on every step, and the river is a bulging mass of water that drains the jungle faster than the ANC can drain the budget with wasteful expenditure.
While some feared for his safety, Jacob assured everyone not to worry. “I’ve practised in my fire pool, so I’m not afraid of the water,” he insisted. “And I’ve made it through Shaik, Gupta, Nkandla, Marikana, and five weddings, so I can handle a bit of jungle. I’ll just take a shower afterwards.”
The president, a traditionalist with strong tribal tendencies, was criticised for his angling exploits. “Fishing is not so much part of Zulu culture,” maintained King Goodwill Zwelethini. “You can’t really slaughter a ceremonial fish.”
JZ wasted no time in silencing his critics. “You mustn’t think like Zulus in kwaZulu,” he replied.
Zuma also used this opportunity to prove that South Africa is not out of its depth among the BRICS nations, like a fish out of water. “If Vladimir Putin can hunt bears with his bare hands, then I can fish for fish with mine,” he asserted.
So, that’s where the president has been for the past few weeks. Where do you think he is now? BN
Wally Walker – Photographer
Wally Walker is a world traveller and time travel aficionado. He’s been everywhere, and has a habit of blending into his surroundings, often making him hard to find.
*with apologies to Koos Kombuis and Joss Whedon for the misappropriation without compensation of a few of their words.