Category Archives: International

America Gets Its First Orange President

Orange Donald Trump

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it must be Donald Trump.

WASHINGTON – America very democratically decided that orange is the new black. Donald Trump will be the 45th US President, and the first orange president to occupy the White House.

The result has been hailed as a victory for alien-like creatures across the country. “It goes to show, no matter who you are, how strange your hair, America has a place for you, for everyone. Except Muslims.  And Mexicans. And maybe black people should consider leaving…”

Following another first – America’s first Kenyan president – the race was on in a closely contested contest for more firsts: Hillary Clinton could have been the first former First Lady to become president.

Americans were reluctant to vote for Clinton, because there was concern over her title – should she be called “Presidentess” and “Leadster of the Free World”, they wondered.

Trump’s policy, however, was clear. “I would prefer to be called ‘Your Highness’,” he said. “’Your Lordship’ or ‘Master of the Universe’ will also do.”

The Clinton campaign acknowledged that they grossly underestimated the radiance of that orange skin. “It’s enigmatic,” cried Jamie Last, a campaign volunteer. “People are attracted to it, like a moth to a flame. You can’t compete with that.”

Melania Trump (neé Knaus) will also be the first First Lady to have posed nude for men’s magazines.

“I was unsure, both candidates seemed kind of meh,” claimed Earl Hicks from Nebraska “Then I saw those pictures and yowser! What a first lady! Trump got my vote.”

During the campaign, Trump repeatedly suggested that Clinton belonged in jail. Her supporters hit back that it doesn’t matter. “She wouldn’t be the first criminal in the white house,” they suggested.

According to sources in the FBI, Hillary sent Donald an email to congratulate him on his victory. BN

Angry Bird Hiawatha - Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird Hiawatha – Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird has been to the end of the earth. He has been to the end of the water. He has been to the end of the sky. He has been to the end of the mountains. He has found none that are not his friends.

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Boko Haram Soldiers Starve in Zimbabwe

Boko Haram

Boko Haram wants you… to kill the infidel!

BULAWAYO – Soldiers from the Nigerian Islamic Militant group, Boko Haram, are struggling with severe hunger during the Zimbabwean leg of their journey to South Africa.

Seven soldiers have died and 32 more are in a critical condition. The other 61 are in a weakened physical state on a deserted farm outside Gweru – on the road towards Bulawayo – where they are hiding. A total of 100 terrorists were reportedly spotted by Zimbabwe’s Central Intelligence Organisation (CIO).

The Nigerian militants are on their way to South Africa to avenge the xenophobic attacks on foreigners, in which not even one Nigerian has died.

“We, Boko Haram, entered Zimbabwe about one, maybe two weeks ago to go kill South Africa,” insisted Yusuf Alhaji, one of the fighters. “Since then we, Boko Haram, have suffered. We, Boko Haram, have suffered very much.”

The Islamic radicals from northern Nigeria are better known for kidnapping 200 girls from a school in Chibok, and regularly tormenting their fellow Nigerians with sporadic, vicious attacks.

Following the few xenophobic attacks in small parts of South Africa earlier this year, the group released a video in which they threatened to take action against South Africans for the attacks.

“We, Boko Haram, will not tolerate any violence against any Nigerian,” proclaimed Abubakar Shekau, the terrorist mouthpiece in the video. “We, Boko Haram, are the only people allowed to kill, torture and maim any Nigerian.”

The terrorists, officially known as Group of the People of Sunnah for Preaching and Jihad, are desperately looking for a way to move on.

“We, Boko Haram, want to leave Zimbabwe and go to South Africa, like all the Zimbabweans,” sighed Alhaji. “There is no food here. We, Boko Haram, are suffering.”

Zimbabwean President, Robert Mugabe, has allegedly pledged his support to the terrorists, and promised to send them food as soon as he can find a farm that’s still productive.

“Mugabe is a hero and an inspiration to us, Boko Haram,” praised Alhaji. “He has destroyed Zimbabwe like we, Boko Haram, will destroy Nigeria.”

The South African military is preparing food parcels and medical assistance for the fighters of Boko Haram, should they finally arrive. BN

 

Salim Malik

Salim Malik – Foreign Correspondent

Salim Malik is not sure where he’s from. That makes him a foreigner wherever he goes. Being a foreigner is all the experience he needs to be a foreign correspondent. Salim travels the globe hunting the news and chicken vindaloo.

Where is Jacob Zuma? Missing President Found! Exclusive Interview [With Pictures]

South African President Jacob Zuma disappeared. The poor [er, rich, actually – Ed] man was nowhere to be found. Numerous calls were made by the DA and the EFF to find the lost leader of Africa’s most African nation. Finally, after some serious investigation and consulting several sangomas, Wally Walker has the answer.

Where-is-zuma-vw-kombi

Finding Himself in Port St Johns

The president was lost, but now he’s found. He also found himself, down in Port St Johns. “It was a really spiritual journey for me,” reflected Zuma. “It was evening and I was facing the red sea of EFF, there was no doubt in my mind where I was longing to be. So I got the old kombi out of my large Nkandla garage and just drove and drove until I got here. No more Julius. No more Thuli. No more Zillas. Just me and my hubbly bubbly”

Msholozi spent his days on top of a koppie, staring at the ocean, smoking hookah while wondering what deeds are to be done, what victories are to be won, what songs are to be written and what lyrics are to be rhymed.  “The waves are so hypnotic, like a large woman’s buttock,” he said deeply. ”Especially when my head gets a little fuzzy from too much shisha. This stuff makes me makes me feel just as fine as when I saw Port St Johns for the first time.”

The president prefers Strawberry flavour. “Mint is also nice,” he added.

Where-is-Zuma-Sydney-Opera-House-and-Habour-Bridge

Ballet Dancing in Sydney

During a quick sneak into Australia, Jacob went to the Opera House in Sydney, where he saw a performance by a company of Chinese dancers. Afterwards, he got to meet some of the performers. “I told her that her moves are very beautiful, but that I can teach her a few of my own, and that’s exactly what we did.”

Zang Yashu, the president’s dance partner, was quite a quick study. “The umQhogoyo is very easy,” she said. “First you put your right foot in. Then you take your right foot out. And then, you shake your whole body all about.”

Where-is-zuma-Japan

Meeting Japanese Women

In Tokyo, Jacob frequented the geisha houses. It is there that he developed a great appreciation for Japanese culture.

“Here in Japan, I am so impressed to see how the people here show respect,” he said, before taking another sip of sake (rice wine). “A woman would clasp her hands together and even bow forward to show respect.”

Jacob also expressed interest in a possible cultural exchange. “If she can become a Zulu, I would take a Japanese woman as my next wife,” he laughed.

Phumela Ndende, coordinator of the Eastern Cape-based Support Centre, a women’s rights group, criticised his comments. “Before you can appreciate a culture, you must first see if that culture oppresses women,” she said.

Where-is-Zuma-Tai-chi-the-Chinese-martial-art

Learning Tai Chi in China

While backpacking through China, Msholozi discovered the ancient martial art of Tai Chi in an old temple in the Guangdong province.

“I thought they were offering me something to drink,” Jacob explained. “At first I said no thanks, because I prefer umqombothi. But then they took me outside and showed me.”

After a few swings of his arms, the president was hooked. It reminded him of dlala ‘nduku, the stick fighting he did as a young herd boy. Soon he was practicing every day.

“It’s very relaxing, this chai tea,” Jacob remarked casually. “I have a very stressful job. Most important is that this also teaches you the basics movements of kung fu, so next time Thuli [Madonsela] shows up, she must beware.”

Zuma’s teacher, Mr Miyagi, believes that the honourable president is a very promising student. “He learnt to wax on very quickly,” he said, “and his wax off is also getting good.”

Where-is-Zuma-fire-jumping

Fire Jumping in Albania

On his way from China to Europe on Atul Gupta’s private jet, Jacob decided on an impromptu stopover in Albania, because he’s never been there before, and it reminded him of the bread he ate back home. There he found a gathering of youngsters amusing themselves by jumping over fires. He promptly decided to get in on the action.

“No, I’m not scared at all.” he laughed. “I’ve been feeling the heat lately, so I’m quite prepared. It’s exciting, isn’t it? It’s really nice to feel a different kind of heat.”

Would Jacob like to do this sort of thing more often?

“I can’t do this at home,” he lamented. “My fire pool is in the way”

Where-is-Zuma-ice-fishing

Ice Fishing in Finland

Summer in South Africa is quite hot, and the air conditioners at Nkandla don’t work so well, with the Eskom blackouts and all. Numba 1 decided to give the crippled power company a break and visit Finland. And when in Finland, you do as Finn does.

Of course, that means running around in the snow in your birthday suit, and maybe doing a little fishing. “They wanted me to go nekkid,” he laughed, “but I said that there’s no way I’m taking off this leopard skin. I’m a president, we do as I say.

Now that it’s done, the president swears he’ll never do it again. And by the looks of things, bilateral agreements between the two nations may have taken a knock. “These Finns are crazy!” howled Zuma. “If I see a Finn coming one way and a shark fin from the other, I’ll go to the shark fin.”

Where-is-Zuma-London-ladies

Wooing the Ladies of London

The ladies love Zuma, and Zuma loves them. In London, capital of the British Empire, he met the granddaughters of a cousin of the queen’s brother-in-law’s younger brother. Being a statesman himself, Zuma was immediately attracted to royalty. “Whether it’s the boss of a country or the boss of a football club, if she’s related to the boss, my pants get antsy.”

Research has shown that four out of five women love Jacob. He has four wives, but has been married five times, with one divorce.

When asked if it’s wise for him to take on another wife, Zuma replied, “Women are like cows. One can never have too many.”

“I have a few cows in my kraal,” the president continued. “What good are they if I don’t use them for lobola?”

Where-is-Zuma-miley-cyrus-dancing-on-stage

On Stage with Miley Cyrus in America

Jacob likes to dance. So when Miley beckoned him to get on stage at a concert in Nashville and dance with her, he jumped at the opportunity. “I love Miley Circus, she’s great,” the president beamed. “That white girl can really bust a move.”

Miley offered the president the chance to sing along, but he declined. “I have a paper with the words,” he sighed, “but I can’t read fast enough to keep up.”

It turns out JZ has not seen the last of Miley just yet. “I’ve invited her to come take a dip in my fire pool,” he said. “Maybe she’ll sing by the amphi.., eish, I mean, retainer wall.”

Where-is-Zuma-Morelia-Mexico-Day-of-the-Dead

Celebrating Day of the Dead in Mexico

The president arrived in Mexico just in time to celebrate Day of the Dead, a holiday during which loved ones who passed away are honoured by dressing up in macabre costumes and carrying around skeletons. “It was a bit scary at first, because it’s like you see the tokoloshe everywhere,” he said.

Soon, however, Jacob felt right at home. “The white face paint reminds me of ukusoka, the initiation I went through as a boy. Except here they don’t cut your manhood.”

Zuma said that he would like to see something similar to the Day of the Dead take hold in South Africa. “I like this idea that people party to celebrate the dead,” he mused over a couple of cervezas. “I hope that one day people will party to celebrate when I’m dead.”

Where-is-Zuma-Sydney-Tahiti

Sunbathing in Tahiti

Tahiti is a wonderful place to catch some rays, and JZ spent some time catching a few z’s on the beach. “I was getting too pale skinned,” he said. “The majority started to think that I don’t have their best interests at heart. So now I’m burning myself a little darker again here in Tahiti. It’s a magical place.”

The South Pacific Island is famous for its fine sandy beaches, crystal clear waters and beautiful blue skies. “It’s a magical place,” said Zuma.

According to Jacob, Tahiti is the perfect place to rejuvenate oneself. “It’s almost as if you’re rebuilt and you come out a brand new version of your own self,” he thought out loud. “It’s a magical place. I don’t know why I keep saying that.”

Where-is-Zuma-Fishing-in-Bolivia

Fishing in Bolivia

In search of some adventure, Msholozi travelled down to Bolivia to explore the Amazon. The jungle is treacherous, with a thousand ways to die on every step, and the river is a bulging mass of water that drains the jungle faster than the ANC can drain the budget with wasteful expenditure.

While some feared for his safety, Jacob assured everyone not to worry. “I’ve practised in my fire pool, so I’m not afraid of the water,” he insisted. “And I’ve made it through Shaik, Gupta, Nkandla, Marikana, and five weddings, so I can handle a bit of jungle. I’ll just take a shower afterwards.”

The president, a traditionalist with strong tribal tendencies, was criticised for his angling exploits. “Fishing is not so much part of Zulu culture,” maintained King Goodwill Zwelethini. “You can’t really slaughter a ceremonial fish.”

JZ wasted no time in silencing his critics. “You mustn’t think like Zulus in kwaZulu,” he replied.

Zuma also used this opportunity to prove that South Africa is not out of its depth among the BRICS nations, like a fish out of water. “If Vladimir Putin can hunt bears with his bare hands, then I can fish for fish with mine,” he asserted.

So, that’s where the president has been for the past few weeks. Where do you think he is now? BN

 

Wally Walker - Photographer

Wally Walker – Photographer

Wally Walker is a world traveller and time travel aficionado. He’s been everywhere, and has a habit of blending into his surroundings, often making him hard to find.

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*with apologies to Koos Kombuis and Joss Whedon for the misappropriation without compensation of a few of their words.

Ebola Virus Mutated – It’s Now More Dangerous

Protests have severely hampered Ebola's rapid spread.

Protests have severely hampered Ebola’s rapid spread.

CONAKRY – The dire situation in West Africa just got extremely worse. Medical personnel have reported several cases where victims have been infected with a new strain of the deadly Ebola virus.

“We believe that the Ebola virus has merged with syphilis in the body of a patient infected with both diseases, and as a result the effect it has on the brain is even more severe,” explained World Health Organisation (WHO) spokesman Boris Bleaker. “It quickly destroys human cognitive ability, causing victims to wither away much faster.”

This new strain of the virus remains in the body after death and can emulate brain function, causing Ebola victims to come back to life. However, regular brain function never gets entirely restored, making them more undead rather than alive.

Ebola can only spread when a person’s bodily fluids come in contact with the virus, either through a wound or saliva in the mouth. With this mutation the risk of infection has drastically increased, since these reanimations are driven by a strong urge to bite healthy people.

It is believed that when bitten by such a being, one can also contract the Ebola virus, which would then lead to inevitable death and subsequent reanimation. “I’ve seen a former patient just rise up and start gnawing on a nurse,” sobbed Médecins sans Frontières doctor André Augustine. “It was horrific. I had to bludgeon him with a bedpan.”

Despite the new developments, the WHO urged people to remain calm. “There’s no need to panic,” insisted Bleaker. “We have this new strain just as under control as the old strain.”

For ethical reasons, and because it’s unlikely for a medical treatment that would fully restore life to the half-living to be developed anytime soon, it has been determined that the undead should perhaps be returned to the status of deceased.

A reanimated creature, colloquially known as a zombie, in Conakry, Guinea. Zombies are said to be the result of a new strain of the Ebola virus.

A reanimated creature, colloquially known as a zombie, in Conakry, Guinea. Zombies are said to be the result of a new strain of the Ebola virus.

The only way to ensure that an Ebola victim stays dead is to destroy the brain. During the burial preparation process, the mortician should delicately cut open the head, remove the brain and incinerate it separately.

However, in extreme cases and when pressed for time, it is highly recommended that the skull simply be crushed with a cricket bat. Employ enough force to splatter the brain.

These reanimated corpses horde together and roam the streets in search of brains for personal consumption. If you happen to find yourself in the vicinity of the walking dead, do not attempt to confront it. Instead, seek out the help of the nearest military personnel. They are well trained to deal with this eventuality.

However, in extreme cases and when pressed into a corner, it is highly recommended that the skull simply be crushed with a cricket bat. Employ enough force to splatter the brain.

If you suspect that you might in fact have fallen victim to Ebola, do not panic. Calmly proceed to your nearest treatment facility, and try not to puke on anyone. If you manage to reach it, the relevant authorities will either nurse you back to health or dispose of your body in the proper manner – whichever comes first.

However, in extreme cases and when you realise that you might not make it, it is highly recommended that you simply crush your own skull with a cricket bat. Employ enough force to splatter the brain.

If no cricket bat is handy, a golf club, tyre iron or any kind of garden implement can also be used. BN

Angry Bird Hiawatha - Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird Hiawatha – Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird has been to the end of the earth. He has been to the end of the water. He has been to the end of the sky. He has been to the end of the mountains. He has found none that are not his friends.

Holy Water Found to Contain Powerful Ebola Vaccine

Ebola protective clothing being dried after cleaning with regular water. Soon, Holy Water might be used for protective laundry.

Ebola protective clothing being dried after cleaning with regular water. Soon, Holy Water might be used for protective laundry.

FREETOWN – Researchers from the University of KwaZulu-Natal found that Holy Water contains a powerful agent that could cure the deadly Ebola disease and put an end to the virus crisis.

The highly lethal disease has ravaged the West African countries of Liberia, Sierra Leone and Guinea, killing over 1400 people, including many of the doctors trying to fight it.

In the face of this microparasitic crisis, a research team consisting of South African scientists working in collaboration with Sierra Leone’s College of Medicine and Allied Health Sciences as well as Doctors Without Borders was assembled to study the virus with the aim of finding rapid results, and to stop the disease from killing all of mankind in a most horrific manner.

The fierce plague spreads fast and kills even faster, but progress to stop it was slow.  After many false starts, the scientists finally had a lucky break when Pastor TB Joshua, one of Nigeria’s richest millionaire preachers and world famous faith healer, donated 4 000 bottles of Holy Water in an effort to curb the deadly Ebola yoke that is threatening to destroy Sierra Leone. “It was the least I could do for my West African brethren,” the minister humbly stated. “I truly wanted to do more, but have you seen the price of bottled water lately?”

The Holy Water is a consignment of Pastor Joshua’s patented “Anointing Water”, bottled and specially prayed over by Joshua himself, to be given to those who are in desperate need of healing but are unable to physically attend his church in Lagos.

Despite initial scepticism, the academics eventually decided to test the water. “At first we thought it was just religious hocus-pocus, but we were running out of ideas faster than the Ebola patients were running out of blood, so we gave it a go,” shrugged Doctor Milton Vilakazi, head of the South African delegation.

The scientists isolated an enzyme in the water that isn’t really there, and discovered that it has the ability to cure Ebola. “We’re not sure what it is, but it’s in there, and it works,” remarked Vilakazi.

Nothing says Ebola like a red blot on a map.

Religious leaders are not surprised by the findings. “Well it’s obvious, isn’t it?” exclaimed Rev. Dr. Jonathan B.B. Hart of the Liberian Council of Churches. “We really knew all along that the bug was created because of the immoral acts penetrating our society.”

Not everyone is convinced by this supernatural claim for the cause of the outbreak. “I wonder why God always sends a plague to countries that opposes homosexuality and tramples over gay people’s basic human rights,” mused Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu. “He rarely sends a plague to countries that respects gay rights, affords them the right to live freely, or even allows gays to get married. Maybe God is not punishing them because gays walk among them, but rather, He’s punishing them for all their hate.”

As for the virus, although the future looks brighter, don’t get your hopes up just yet. The holy water still needs to go through a rigid testing period before it can be used on dying patients. “Protocol dictates that we can’t use untested medicine,” sighed Dr Vilakazi. “It’s not safe. What if it ends up killing a patient?”

Sierra Leone’s President, Ernest Bai Koroma, welcomed the news of a possible cure. “This is good, very good indeed,” he said in a statement. “And if a pharmaceutical company greases the right palms, we can fast track the cure to human testing, ready or not.”

For now, however, the World Health Organisation is warning against using unproven cures. “There is still no known cure for Ebola,” reminded WHO spokeswoman Fadela Chaib. “Your best bet is a good dose of prayer. And we’re not even sure about that.” BN

 

Arthur Ford - Science and Technology

Arthur Ford – Science and Technology

Arthur spent many years trying to find empirical evidence that the earth is round. When he discovered it has already been proven he decided to focus on reporting the findings of other, more distinguished scientists instead. In his free time he researches the psychology of African killer bees.

Muslims! Where Are They Happy?

Grass instead of desert sand? That could make anyone happy.

Grass instead of desert sand? That could make anyone happy.

They’re not happy in Gaza …
They’re not happy in Egypt …
They’re not happy in Libya …
They’re not happy in Morocco …
They’re not happy in Iran …
They’re not happy in Iraq …
They’re not happy in Yemen ….
They’re not happy in Afghanistan ….
They’re not happy in Pakistan …
They’re not happy in Syria …
They’re not happy in Lebanon …

SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?

They’re happy in Australia …
They’re happy in Canada ..
They’re happy in England …
They’re happy in France ..
They’re happy in Italy ..
They’re happy in Germany …
They’re happy in Sweden ..
They’re happy in the USA …
They’re happy in Norway ..
They’re happy in Holland …
They’re happy in Denmark …

Basically, they’re happy in every country that is not Muslim
and unhappy in every country that is!

AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!

AND THEN- They want to change those countries to be like,
THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!

 

Green indicates unhappy Muslim countries.

Green indicates unhappy Muslim countries.

Excuse me, but I can’t help wondering…
How damn dumb can you get?
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim
Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
– No Christmas
– No television
No nude women
– No pork chops
– No hot dogs
– No burgers
– No beer
– No bacon
– Rags for clothes
– Towels for hats
– Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
– More than one wife
– More than one mother-in-law
– You can’t shave
– Your wife can’t shave
– Your wife is picked by someone else for you
– Then they tell them that “when they die, it all gets better”???

Well No Shit Sherlock!….
It’s not like it could get much worse!

(Found on internet – origin unknown)

Who Owns Israel/Palestine Anyway?

The story shared by Israel and Palestine has been told in several stunning films, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen it told like this.

 created this (extremely brief) animated history of the land that was at one time called Israel, Palestine, Canaan and the Levant. She even created this viewer’s guide to make sense of what’s happening.

(Want to dive in deeper? Check out these excellent films.)

WHO’S KILLING WHO? A VIEWER’S GUIDE

Because you can’t tell the players without a pogrom!

This should explain all the characters in the video.

Early ManThis Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - Early ManThis generic “cave man” represents the first human settlers in Israel/Canaan/the Levant. Whoever they were.Canaanite
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - Canaanite
What did ancient Canaanites look like? I don’t know, so this is based on ancient Sumerian art.Egyptian
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - Egyptian
Canaan was located between two huge empires. Egypt controlled it sometimes, and…

Assyrian
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - Assyrian
….Assyria controlled it other times.

Israelite
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - Israelite
The “Children of Israel” conquered the shit out of the region, according to bloody and violent Old Testament accounts.

Babylonian
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - Babylonian
Then the Baylonians destroyed their temple and took the Hebrews into exile.

Macedonian/Greek
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - Macedonian/Greek
Here comes Alexander the Great, conquering everything!

Greek/Macedonian
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - Greek/Macedonian
No sooner did Alexander conquer everything, than his generals divided it up and fought with each other.

Ptolemaic
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - Ptolemaic
Greek descendants of Ptolemy, another of Alexander’s competing generals, ruled Egypt dressed like Egyptian god-kings. (The famous Cleopatra of western mythology and Hollywood was a Ptolemy.)

Seleucid
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - Seleucid
More Greek-Macedonian legacies of Alexander.

Hebrew Priest
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - Hebrew Priest
This guy didn’t fight, he just ran the Second Temple re-established by Hebrews in Jerusalem after the Babylonian Exile.

Maccabee
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - Maccabee
Led by Judah “The Hammer” Maccabee, who fought the Seleucids, saved the Temple, and invented Channukah. Until…

Roman
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - Roman
…the Romans destroyed the Second Temple and absorbed the region into the Roman Empire…

Byzantine
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - Byzantine
….which split into Eastern and Western Empires. The eastern part was called the Byzantine Empire. I don’t know if “Romans” ever fought “Byzantines” (Eastern Romans) but this is a cartoon.

Arab Caliph
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - Arab Caliph
Speaking of cartoon, what did an Arab Caliph look like? This was my best guess.

Crusader
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - Crusader
After Crusaders went a-killin’ in the name of Jesus Christ, they established Crusader states, most notably the Kingdom of Jerusalem.

Mamluk of Egypt
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - Mamluk of Egypt
Wikipedia sez, “Over time, mamluks became a powerful military caste in various Muslim societies…In places such as Egypt from the Ayyubid dynasty to the time of Muhammad Ali of Egypt, mamluks were considered to be “true lords”, with social status above freeborn Muslims.[7]” And apparently they controlled Palestine for a while.

Ottoman Turk
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - Ottoman Turk
Did I mention this is a cartoon? Probably no one went to battle looking like this. But big turbans, rich clothing and jewelry seemed to be in vogue among Ottoman Turkish elites, according to paintings I found on the Internet.

Arab
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - Arab
A gross generalization of a generic 19-century “Arab”.

British
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - British
The British formed alliances with Arabs, then occupied Palestine. This cartoon is an oversimplification, and uses this British caricature as a stand-in for Europeans in general.

Palestinian
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - Palestinian
The British occupied this guy’s land, only to leave it to a vast influx of….

European Jew/Zionist
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - European Jew/Zionist
Desperate and traumatized survivors of European pogroms and death camps, Jewish Zionist settlers were ready to fight to the death for a place to call home, but…

PLO/Hamas/Hezbollah
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - PLO/Hamas/Hezbollah
….so were the people that lived there. Various militarized resistance movements arose in response to Israel: The Palestinian Liberation OrganizationHamas, and Hezbollah.

State of Israel
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - State of Israel
Backed by “the West,” especially the US, they got lots of weapons and the only sanctioned nukes in the region.

Guerrilla/Freedom Fighter/Terrorist
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - Guerrilla/Freedom Fighter/Terrorist
Sometimes people fight in military uniforms, sometimes they don’t. Creeping up alongside are illicit nukes possibly from Iran or elsewhere in the region. Who’s Next?

and finally…The Angel of Death
This Brilliant Animation Provides A Brief History Of The Bloody Israel Palestine Conflict - The Angel of Death
The real hero of the Old Testament, and right now too.

Note: If you want to support this project, please notice I have Paypal and Flattr buttons. TAX-DEDUCTIBLE donations accepted via the nonprofit QuestionCopyright

Source/credits: Films For Action

Piet Byleveld to Investigate Missing Malaysian Aeroplane

Piet Byleveld

Here we can see a Piet Byleveld in his natural habitat.

KUALA LUMPUR – After several weeks of fruitless searching, Malaysian authorities finally called upon South African super sleuth Piet Byleveld to solve the mystery of the missing Malaysian airline flight MH3370.

The aeroplane mysteriously vanished into seemingly thin air over the Strait of Malacca near Vietnam on 8 March 2014. Foul play is suspected.

A collective of 25 countries involved in the search operation finally realised they do not have the capacity to solve such a marvellous eventuality by themselves, so it was decided to call in a real professional. “We’ve heard of this guy who can find anyone,” said Jun Kapoor of the Malaysia’s Department of Civil Aviation. “We thought we might as well give it a go.”

Byleveld, known for his forensic expertise, reportedly packed his bags for Kuala Lumpur immediately after getting the call. “This retirement thing is really working on my family’s nerves,” he said. “We can’t watch television anymore. Elize [his wife] is sick of me solving every detective mystery in the first ten minutes.”

The former brigadier in the South African Police Service is one of the most successful investigators ever, having tracked down and caught nine serial killers, as well as solving several other high profile murder cases in his long career. Specialising in complex cases, he retired with a 99% conviction rate. “If you can establish motive, you’ve solved 70% of the case,” he once told Huisgenoot in an interview.

After exhausting all conventional options, including scouring the ocean with maritime vehicles, global satellite tracking, contradicting advice from aviation experts and typing key words into Google, Malaysian authorities opted to explore alternative methods to find the missing aeroplane.

A group of theoretical physicists came up with a plausible hypothesis to show how the Malaysian plane could have slipped through cracks in the space-time continuum and entered another level of the multiverse. “The aeroplane exists exactly where it was last spotted, except that it’s in another dimension,” the boffins stated in their exhaustive, 800 page report. “However, it probably ran out of fuel by now.”

At present, the molecular boffins are still baffled by which one of the seven additional spatial dimensions posited by string theory the plane could possibly have been deposited to, although they are adamant that this brain teaser has become bigger than the Boeing. “If we can find the missing aeroplane, we should have a workable theory to explain the meaning life,” concluded one of the physicists enthusiastically.

American psychic John Edward was taken to the crash site in an attempt to make contact with the missing aeroplane’s 239 passengers and crew. Upon arrival, Edward reportedly sensed a very strong presence, apparently like “many souls hovering in the oblivion”.

He was, however, unable to establish the whereabouts of the airliner. “I spy with my third eye, something beginning with the letter M,” he uttered. “They told me to tell their families that they are comfortable where they are and sorry about the things they did wrong, and want them to move on.”

“The spirits can’t tell me where they are,” he continued, because they’re not sure where they are either. It would seem that the mystery extends well into the great beyond.”

A serious investigation by Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, from the FBI’s X-Files Unit, into the possibility of an extraterrestrial cause for the unexplained vanishing has not yet achieved any results. However, the pair is certain that there can only be a paranormal explanation for the puzzle. “We’re not alone,” said Mulder. “The truth is out there.”

Authorities in the Bahamas are still keeping an eye on David Copperfield’s private islands. “We aven’t seen no Boeing,” insisted a representative of the Caribbean island chain’s government. “Us don’t tink de mahgic mon’s got any ting te do wi dis bumbaclot [bullshit].”

On account of such a shortage of tangible results, all hope of ever finding the vanished aircraft now rests on Byleveld’s shoulders. The enigmatic investigator is set to leave for Kuala Lumpur on the next boat out of Durban. “I’m not taking any chances,” he remarked. “There are strong forces involved here, and we’ve already seen what it can do to an aeroplane.” BN

Angry Bird Hiawatha - Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird Hiawatha – Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird has been to the end of the earth. He has been to the end of the water. He has been to the end of the sky. He has been to the end of the mountains. He has found none that are not his friends.

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David Copperfield Denies Responsibility for Missing Malaysian Airline

David Copperfield has perfect 20/20 vision and can see you in Blu-ray.

David Copperfield has perfect 20/20 vision and can see you in Blu-ray.

KUALA LUMPUR – The Malaysian authorities have shifted the focus of their investigation into the disappearance of the Malaysian Airlines flight MH370 onto the notorious magician and performer David Copperfield, a spokesman announced at a press briefing in Kuala Lumpur.

The announcement came after all other possibilities and impossibilities have turned out to be dead ends, revealing nothing about the aeroplane’s current whereabouts.

“He has made an aeroplane vanish before,” explained Jun Kapoor of the country’s Department of Civil Aviation. “We have every reason to believe that he’s done it again.

As the grand finale of his fourth Magic television special in 1981, Copperfield made a 7 ton jet disappear off a runway, with a live audience as witnesses.

According to Kapoor, a team of top Malaysian engineers devised the most likely theory to explain exactly what happened. “Copperfield is a master at sleight of hand,” said Kapoor. “We believe he managed to distract flight controllers and slipped the aeroplane down his sleeve.”

After a performance in West Palm Beach, Florida in 2006, Copperfield and two female assistants were reportedly mugged at gunpoint. His assistants gave the robbers their money, passports, and a cell phone. According to his police statement, Copperfield did not hand over anything, apparently having used sleight of hand to hide his belongings.

The Malaysian official also claimed that Copperfield flew through the air, propelled by the sheer power of his will, to get into a perfect position to execute the stunt. “We know that he can fly,” Kapoor affirmed. “We have seen his ’92 Magic special, subtitled Flying – Live the Dream. If you remember, Copperfield lifted himself off the ground with his mental prowess and flew around above the stage.”

The Strait of Malacca, where Copperfield allegedly swooped onto the Malaysian aeroplane.

The Strait of Malacca, where Copperfield allegedly swooped onto the Malaysian aeroplane. (Source: BBC)

Aviation investigators are confident that the new lead will pan out. “Copperfield can disappear and reappear; he has walked through the Great Wall of China and levitated over the Grand Canyon,” remarked former RAF navigator Sean Maffett. “If anyone can make an aeroplane vanish mid-flight without a trace, it’s him.

The US search delegation concurred. “When all else fails, you must start considering the supernatural possibilities,” insisted US Navy Commander John Michaels. “Whenever you are faced with a question you have no answer for, you can always just claim that David Copperfield did it. Problem solved.”

The American magician, who famously made the Statue of Liberty disappear in front of a live audience, issued a statement to deny the allegation.

“Anyone can make something disappear,” he said. “The real magic is in making things reappear.”

“If I had anything to do with the missing passenger plane, it would have been found long ago,” he continued. “I would’ve made it reappear with lots of smoke, flashing lights and fanfare on one of my islands in the Bahamas. And I would’ve sold tickets.”

State officials of the Bahamas confirmed that, at present, there is no Boeing 777 to be found on any of the 11 islands owned by David Copperfield. BN

 

Angry Bird Hiawatha - Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird Hiawatha – Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird has been to the end of the earth. He has been to the end of the water. He has been to the end of the sky. He has been to the end of the mountains. He has found none that are not his friends.

 

 

Zimbabwe Legalise Gay Marriage in Bid to End Drought

Robert Mugabe Gay Outfit

Robert Mugabe looking absolutely fabulous!

HARARE – In a drastic attempt to exploit a religious loophole, President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe yesterday announced plans to fast track a change in legislation which would legalise gay marriage in the predominantly Christian country, in a last ditch attempt to end drought.

The decision was made following talks with Mr Piet Rudolph of the Geloftevolk Republikeine, who recently blamed the floods in the Western Cape on the South African government’s decision to recognise same-sex marriages.

In a statement made last night, a spokesman for President Mugabe said: “When Mr Rudolph confirmed that the recent floods in the Western Cape were a punishment from the Lord, we realised we’d been doing it very wrong for all these years. We’ve been praying for water as reward for following the religious doctrines, but now it makes sense to use the wrath of the Almighty to our advantage and give gay marriage the green light.”

Robert Mugabe has an extensive history of violent and homophobic statements. During last January’s elections, this president ran on a platform that assured “hell for gays” if his party won, promising laws that would make LGBTIQ individuals rot in jail for life. Claiming ‘filthy gays destroy nations’, he has threatened to cut gay people’s heads off, castrate them and compared them to ‘pigs and dogs’. Mugabe also attacked Barack Obama’s stance on homosexuals ahead of the Zimbabwe elections in July last year.

Mr Rudolph was not available for comment at time of press, but a work colleague said he believes that the drought in Zimbabwe will soon be over. BN

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Jammies Janse - Current Affairs

Jammies Janse – Current Affairs

Jammies quit a promising career as a borehole drill repairman after he discovered he can string together words to make up a coherent sentence and chose a new path as a miserably failing journalist. He lives with his wife, four children, two mutts and a Volkswagen Passat station wagon in Coronation Park, Krugersdorp

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