Category Archives: News

University Fees Raised to Pay for Damages

#FeesMustFallPIETERMARITZBURG – Universities across South Africa have announced a sharp increase in student fees for 2017. This is to mitigate the rising cost in university maintenance.

The resent #FeesMustFall campaign resulted in a desperate need for infrastructure redevelopment. Students protesting for free education caused so much devastation that fees must be raised to pay for repairs.

During a press conference in Pietermaritzburg, Minister of Higher Education, Blade Nzimande, explained the government’s reasons for raising university fees. “We need money to rebuild libraries, auditoriums and computer labs,” he said. “Without it, there will be no education.”

“The #FeesMustFall campaign is causing a rise in university fees,” Nzimande added. “Maybe students need to study economics before they protest.”

Protesters blame the university for the damage to the university, and claimed that high price of tertiary education caused the destruction. “They made us start the fires,” hissed protester Shisa Isakhiwo. “It’s not our fault that we are burning down buildings.”

Student leaders reiterated that their protest will intensify, and that a lot more destruction can be expected.

“You can’t expect us to pay money for a university that looks like this,” screamed Nuisance Ngidi, another protester. “If we have to pay so much for education, we want proper classrooms, not these burnt, skorokoro classrooms. Fees must fall.”

“Why must we pay so much for university when it has no books, no computers and no roof?” added Shisa. “Fees must fall!”

In spite of threats made by students, higher education authorities remain resolute in their #FeesMustRise campaign.

“We will not budge,” lamented Nzimande. “The price of protest is high. If students want to protest, they must pay for it.” BN

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Despite being previously disadvantaged, Dumisani managed to achieve the 30% mark required to pass matric. It was enough to enable him to secure his dream job: Being a journalist. Dumisani lives on his couch with his two plants.

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South Africa Celebrates the Death of Verwoerd

Hendrik VerwoerdJOHANNESBURG – Thousands of people across South Africa are celebrating the death of Hendrik Verwoerd, who died 50 years ago. Verwoerd, also known as the Architect of Apartheid, was murdered by the assassin Dimitri Tsafendas on September 6, 1966.

Older South Africans remember the former president fondly.

“I still have wonderful memories of the police dragging us out of our house to save us from the bulldozers that came to demolish the house to make way for a nice, all-white neighbourhood,” smiles Shiya Ikhaya of Meadowlands. “If Verwoerd didn’t send the police before he sent the bulldozers, I’d be dead.”

“I was so happy when I got my dompas,” laughed Gift Opayo of Boipatong. “I even had a special permit to walk into the white neighbourhood and I was allowed to work there. It’s a pity I had to burn it.”

“Verwoerd never allowed us to take the bus,” sighed Famba Gudwini.  “I had to walk a lot. It was good for my health. That’s why I’m so old now.

“I was grateful for my Bantu Education,” remembered Thokozane Didizane of Soshanguve. “It provided me with just enough skills to be a good servant for the whites. I never had to suffer and become a dentist.”

“My father wanted to be a farmer,” Precious Kancane of Hammanskraal. “Thankfully, Verwoerd made sure he couldn’t own land, so he had to move to the township for work. I loved our little corrugated shack, the muddy street and the pit toilet. I still live here, even after all these years.”

“Verwoerd laid the foundation for the creation of the most unequal society in the world,” opined Cinga Khosa of Thembisa. “Because of Verwoerd, we are number one.”

Celebrations should continue late into the night. BN

Miriam Mokoena

Miriam Mokoena – Cultural Affairs

Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.

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Affies School Boys Join Hair Protest

Afrikaans Hoër SeunskoolPRETORIA – Students at the Afrikaans Hoër Seunskool (Afrikaans Boys High School) joined the protest against hair regulations at schools. This is following the protest at nearby Pretoria Girls High about discrimination against African hair styles that had education authorities tearing their hair out over the last couple of days.

The bad hair day happened as learners congregated in front of the predominantly white, Afrikaans language school’s main gate and blocked access to the premises, demanding that their hairy qualms be heard.

The boys are outraged by the school’s hair policy, which seeks to ban all outrages hair styles, and claim that the school’s hair regulations discriminates against modern Western hair.

“The school’s hair policy stems from a time before the birth of Justin Bieber,” complained Bart Nel, a grade 11 pupil at Affies. “We live in the new, post-Bieber South Africa. We feel we are being oppressed.”

The boys told shocking stories about the humiliation they suffered when their hair were tested to make sure it fits in with the draconian regulations.

“Teachers would put their hands on the back of our necks,” cried Sias Reneke, in grade 8. “If they can’t fit four fingers between our collar and the hairline, we would be issued a long hair warning.”

Educators also allegedly often insult learners who don’t comply with their antiquated rules. “A teacher once told me I should comb my hair, and that I look like a mattress explosion,” sulked grade 10 student Japie Adam.

“One of the teachers claimed that my spiky hair could poke out his eye,” added Ernie Ellis. “It’s ridiculous. My spikes will bend.”

Students also told how they would use hair gel to keep their hair from falling into their eyes.

Modern Western hair styles, like the Mop Top, Messy Top, High Top and the Flamed-up Top are all outlawed by the school. The Mohawk, Faux-hawk, and the Spiky Do are also not permitted.

Gauteng MEC for education, Panyaza Lesufi, vowed that the department will look into the matter. “When it comes to hair it can be messy,” she said. “It won’t always be cut and dried.”

Here are some examples of illegal hair styles:

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with a Mop Top.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with a Mohawk.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with spiky hair.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with a faux-hawk.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with the messy hair style.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with a wavy pomp.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with an emo cut.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with dreadlocks.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with some kind of hair “style”.

Donald Trump

This is Donald Trump with the Wet Bieber. (Err, you mean wet beaver – Ed) BN

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie enjoyed the privilege of Apartheid rule and never bothered to get a proper education. The regime change left him unskilled, unemployed and broke, so he settled for being a reporter. Now he’s only unskilled and broke.

Xenophobic Attackers Will Be Sent To Somalia

The sensitivity training specialist

A Somali sensitivity training specialist prepares for a lesson.

DURBAN – Every person found guilty of committing a xenophobic crime will be sent to Somalia. That is the outline of a new plan being implemented by the South African government following a spate of attacks against foreigners in KwaZulu-Natal and elsewhere.

Vice President Gwede Mantashe announced the proposal at a press conference earlier today.

“We will be working closely with Al Shabaab in Somalia to accommodate these xenophobic villains,” he said. “We call them Xenofaults, because they are broken people, and what they do is wrong.”

Refugee camps will be set up in Somalia to concentrate the xenophobic brutes together. Al Shabaab will set up camps in the Xuddur and Bu’aale regions. These camps will form the basis of the National Sensitivity Towards Foreign Nationals Training Program.

The days will be spent breaking rocks, digging mass graves for fallen soldiers and sowing buttons back onto uniforms, while Somali terrorists scream insults about Shaka and his mother into their ears. Nights will be spent wailing and gnashing their teeth.

Mantashe believes that giving people the opportunity to learn how it feels to be hated for being from another place will help them understand why their actions are wrong.

“Well basically, these Xenofaults will get first-hand experience of what it’s like to live in a strange land where everyone wants to kill you,” he said. “I think the hostile environment will do them good.”

“Being South African means living with the spirit of Ubuntu towards those around you,” Mantashe continued. “The Xenofaults are people who really don’t want to be South African anymore. We’ll help them, and send them to Somalia.”

After six months, once the training program has run its course, the xenophobic hooligans will be reintegrated into society as proper, newly formed human beings.

Critics have slammed the proposed plan, calling it far-fetched and short-sighted.

Francois Cronkite of the Centre for Human Rights-related Mental Illness believes that xenophobia is a symptom of the other problems endemic to our society, which shapes our moral understanding.

“If years of Apartheid, where people have been hated for being different, haven’t taught people that hating others for being different is wrong, then nothing will,” he lamented. “We should just give them jobs to keep their hands busy and hope for the best.”

Pastor Ray Makhali of the Ministry of the Living Jesus believes the violence is happening because people misunderstand the Bible.

“Jesus told us to love thy neighbour,” reminded Pastor Makhali. “He never said anything that we must love thy neighbour, unless he’s from Zimbabwe.”

The pastor believes the only way to end xenophobia is through educating people about the real words of Jesus. “I don’t think those Somali warlords will teach people much about the Bible,” he sighed.

The xenophobic criminals will be taken to the Durban harbour, where they’ll be loaded onto a boat headed towards the Horn of Africa. There they will be captured by Somali pirates before getting shipped to their final destinations in rusty old military vehicles, surrounded by red scarves and RPGs. BN

Salim Malik - Foreign Correspondent

Salim Malik – Foreign Correspondent

Salim Malik is not sure where he’s from. That makes him a foreigner wherever he goes. Being a foreigner is all the experience he needs to be a foreign correspondent. Salim travels the globe hunting the news and chicken vindaloo.

Statue of Johnnie Walker Defaced in Port Elizabeth

Johnnie WalkerPORT ELIZABETH – Yet another statue has been vandalised. A sculpture of Johnnie Walker was defaced outside The Brick and Mortar, a pub in Port Elizabeth last night.

The statue was sprayed with an as yet unidentified green substance during the early hours of the morning. The provincial management of the Economic Freedom Fighters in the Eastern Cape has claimed responsibility for the act.

Preliminary investigations revealed that EFF leaders frequented the pub to plot anti-colonialist economic emancipation and the liberation of land invasions over a few tumblers of Johnnie Black on the rocks. Eyewitnesses confirmed that the act of vandalism took place after another of these strategic meetings.

EFF spokesman, Makhaya Nbikhi, maintains that all symbols of colonialism and white oppression must go, and Johnnie Walker was no exception.

“Johnnie Walker is known as the man who brought whisky to South Africa,” he said. “It was this desire to drink whisky that inspired the colonial masters’ effort to conquer all of Africa. Even today, especially in the mornings, we are still feeling the effect of the colonial legacy of Johnnie Walker.”

“Too much whisky creates a monumental babelaas,” he continued. “We as a people cannot be free for as long as these symbols of the pain and anguish we suffer in the morning remain standing.”

According to Nbikhi, the EFF delegation did not have any paint readily at hand, so instead they vomited on the statue. “A man must revolt when a man feels revolted,” he asserted. “Revolution waits for no man. Sometimes it comes out when you least expect it.”

Management of the Brick and Mortar was not too offended by the incident. “These things happen,” sighed Justin Brooks, the owner. “My cleaning staff will have it all soaped up in time to open.”

The EFF has not yet declared any plans to eliminate the alcoholic substance represented by the statue. BN

Boston Masilela – Political Analyst

Boston Masilela – Political Analyst

Boston Masilela used to be a freedom fighter. When the battle against freedom was lost he switched his ak-47 for a yellow Bic pen and took up journalism instead. He prefers rooibos tea, enjoys a party and all his friends are politicians.

Winter Spotted Off the Coast of Cape Agulhas

Cape-Agulhas-lighthouseCAPE AGULHAS – Sailors on board The Flying Bushman, an I&J deep sea fishing trawler, reportedly spotted the winter lurking just off the South African coast, a few kilometres south of Cape Agulhas.

The colder season was apparently skulking around Africa’s southernmost point looking for an opening to sneak in over the shoreline when it was recognised by the small fishing crew.

“I was just standing there, looking over the ocean while tugging on a fishnet,” remembered Langhans de Lange, one of the fisherman on The Flying Bushmen, “when suddenly I thought Djissie, ma dis dan mos die winter daai (that’s winter over there). Then it turned around, and when it did, I knew exactly what it was. It was the winter right there.”

Eyewitnesses claim that winter looked especially menacing. “It was in a foul mood,” remarked Petrus Geduld, another fisherman. “A foul mood, like its last bite of snoek fell on the floor and the dog licked it, that kind of foul mood.”

“Ja,” interjected Langhans. “If the winter makes landfall huffing and puffing like that, you know it’s going to be a cold one. And I’m not talking about a Castle Lager here, né.”

The South African Weather Service sent a team of meteorological experts to the site of the alleged sighting in an attempt to study the unpleasant season first hand, but the winter was nowhere in sight.

The current whereabouts of winter is at present still unknown, but a source within the Weather Service whispered that they are fairly certain the frosty period will definitely rear its ugly head soon.

The public has been asked to keep on the lookout for the wretched season, and to report any activity presumed to be the onslaught of winter. BN

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie enjoyed the privilege of Apartheid rule and never bothered to get a proper education. The regime change left him unskilled, unemployed and broke, so he settled for being a reporter. Now he’s only unskilled and broke.

 

 

The Statue of Nelson Mandela Must Go

Protesters gather around the offending Mandela statue.

Protesters gather around the offending Mandela statue.

PRETORIA – Thousands of students from the University of Pretoria marched to the Union Buildings and demanded the removal of the statue of Nelson Mandela.

“The traitor must go,” they chanted, as they covered the statue with black refuse bags.

“Madiba sold our people out when he negotiated with the whites,” explained Thoko Tsetste, who instigated the protest. “It’s because of him that white farmers still have land.”

“Mandela wanted reconciliation,” he continued. “We’ll give it to him. We will reconcile his statue to the scrap yard, rabbit ear and all.”

The mob circled the defenceless statue, swirling in a uniform chaos, and launched a second wave of assault.

“First we take down Madiba, then we take down Shaka,” they chanted, as they spray painted slogans across the base of the statue.

“Yes, you see, King Shaka was a tyrant,” elaborated Tstetse. “He attacked all the other tribes. He chased Moshoeshoe up the mountain and forced Mzilikazi to flee to the north. That’s why so many people of Lesotho and Zimbabwe come to South Africa. Now that Shaka is gone, they’re coming back home.”

“It’s obvious that Shaka is only a hero to the Zulu,” hissed Tsetse, “But most people in this country are not Zulu. We now have a Zulu president, therefore the statue of Shaka is a symbol of the oppression we experience under the tyranny of Jacob Zuma.”

The protest was met by a strong reaction from the pro-statue faction of the TUKS campus. Many of them gathered on higher ground, shouting abuse down at the anti-bronze protesters.

“Everybody is a hero to some and a villain to others,” insisted Chiliboy Morena, the fiery ringleader of the anti-anti-Madiba group. “We must remember the people who shaped our history, whether we like them or not. Even Nelson Mandela must be remembered, regardless of whether you think he’s a terrorist not.”

“You may think Mandela was a traitor, Shaka was a tyrant, Cecil John Rhodes was an evil colonialist or Paul Kruger had a beard, but these are the people who shaped our history,” he maintained.

“We as South Africans are who we are because of our past, all of it, the good and the bad, the joy and the sorrow, the great and the terrible, and we must remember all of it, if we are to remember who we are.”

Thoko Tstetse stuck his forefinger into the air and dismissed the sentiments of the pro-statueists.

“Those people all benefited from things like BEE, tenderpreneurship and Model C schooling, and are completely detached from the plight of the poor black,” he shrugged. “They can’t be taken seriously.”

Chiliboy Morena and his faction remain resolute in their opposition to the protest.

“Shacks are the real monuments of Apartheid, replied Morena. “That’s what we must tear down.”

The Department of Arts and Culture will convene on Wednesday to decide the fate of Nelson Mandela’s statue. BN

Miriam Mokoena

Miriam Mokoena – Cultural Affairs

Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.

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The Fall of Rhodes Statue Only The First Step (Mail & Guardian)

Consumers Shocked that Petrol Increase Was No April Fool’s Joke

petrol-price-increaseSOUTH AFRICA – Millions of consumers all over South Africa were shocked on the morning of April 1 when they awakened to a much higher petrol price.

Petrol increased by as much as R1,62 inland and R1,60 at the coast.

Even though the price hike was announced a week earlier, many road users were not prepared for the increase and did not fill up on cheaper petrol the day before, as is the usual custom.

“I really thought it was an April Fuel’s joke,” cried Naas Bonsema, an exhaust-pipe fitter from Standerton.

Some car owners claimed that the high value of the increase and the exact date of the proposed increase were just too much of a coincidence to be plausible.

“They said the petrol price was going to rise,” said Sipho Komedi, a taxi driver from Maboneng, “but I thought hauwa, that can’t be right! R1,62? Aikôna!”

“I heard them say the petrol was going up,” remembers Siswe Maltabela, “then I heard it was going to happen on the first of April, and I laughed, hehehehe, this Zuma, he’s a funny guy, getting us mad about the petrol…”

Road users are still struggling to come to terms with the reality of the sharp petrol price hike.

“I wanted to laugh at all my friends who spent half their salaries filling up their bakkies,” moaned Kwik Shop manager Gerrie Kotze. “I was gonna laugh at their empty bank accounts, now they’re all laughing at my empty tank.”

“Ja,” sighed Bakkies Blignaut, “I guess the joke really is on us.”

South Africans from all over expressed a general feeling that they’ve certainly learnt a valuable lesson. “Politicians may be known for lying,” exclaimed Durbanite John Hancock, “but if a government official announces something bad, you better believe it is true.”

Perhaps the biggest April Fool’s joke was no joke at all. BN

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Despite being previously disadvantaged, Dumisani managed to achieve the 30% mark required to pass matric. It was enough to enable him to secure his dream job: Being a journalist. Dumisani lives on his couch with his two plants.

Eskom Scraps Kalahari Solar Power Plant – Zuma Blames Apartheid

The melting solar panels of the Kathu solar plant.

The melting solar panels of the Kathu solar plant.

KATHU – The beleaguered South African utility company, Eskom, has scrapped plans to construct the proposed Kalahari Solar Power Plant near Kathu in the Northern Cape.

The parastatal placed the blame for the abrupt cancelation of this potentially energetic enterprise squarely on the sun, the giant heavenly body that forms the centre of our solar system and is a major source of light during the daytime. “The sun is too damn hot,” explained Eskom CEO Tshediso Motana. “The solar panels will melt like a Dairymaid ice cream on a Durban beach in December.”

Eskom’s reputation has already taken a severe knock due to the recent power shortage caused by several collapses at power stations across the country, and the utility company is unlikely to risk building anything else that could fall to pieces. “With all the meltdowns we’ve recently had, our reputation won’t handle a solar meltdown,” said Motana.

“The construction of the new Medupi and Kusile power stations are taking very long,” he continued. “We’re afraid that the construction of the Kalahari Solar Power Plant will take even longer. It’s too damn hot, and workers can’t even lift their arms for fear of death by perspiration.”

Furthermore, Eskom fears that terrain difficulty may also prove to be a potential obstacle. “It’s so damn hot, the sand keeps shifting to try find a spot in the shade.”

Apartheid caused load shedding

President Jacob Zuma recently blamed Apartheid for all the troubles that are plaguing Eskom. The ailing power supplier has been struggling with an electricity shortfall and the persistence of load shedding due to poor maintenance of the power grid.

“The current government can’t maintain power plants and keep them from falling apart or successfully run a power company because many years ago the Apartheid regime only supplied electricity to white people,” he said.

The president also made excuses for the slow construction of the Medupi and Kusile power plants. On completion, the new plants should alleviate much of the country’s electricity problems.

“This government conceived the idea of building new power plants, it organised the construction, provided the funding, and it’s overseeing the whole construction process,” Zuma explained, “but the reason the construction is way over the deadline is because many years ago, the Apartheid government only provided electricity to white people.”

The president also blamed Apartheid for the current government’s slow response in dealing with the crisis.

“It is Apartheid’s fault that we have an electricity crisis, because if the Apartheid regime built more than enough power infrastructure for the new democratic government to inherit, nobody would’ve noticed that the we are too incompetent to maintain it and keep up with expansion.”

According to Zuma, the current government cannot be held responsible for the electricity crisis. “How were we supposed to know that if you expand the electricity grid to serve more people, you need to expand the supply capacity as well?” he asked. “Apartheid never told us.” BN

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie enjoyed the privilege of Apartheid rule and never bothered to get a proper education. The regime change left him unskilled, unemployed and broke, so he settled for being a reporter. Now he’s only unskilled and broke.

Boycott Woolworths for Selling Chinese Products

An angry protester demands that Woolworths save the rhino.

An angry protester demands that Woolworths save the rhino.

CAPE TOWN – An activist group last week started a social media campaign calling for consumers to boycott Woolworths and other retailers which import products from China.

Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions (BDS) last week sent out its call in a newsletter and on Twitter, using the hashtag #BoycottWoolworths, to draw attention to what called they called the “mass massacre of rhinos in Southern Africa”.

The campaign says Woolworths imports several products from China including, well, nearly everything on the shelves that aren’t produced by South African farmers. “What does it matter if we hurt South African agriculture?” asked BDS spokeswoman Kwere Kunene. “Woolworths must be stopped at all cost.”

The BDS acknowledged that other stores are also selling Chinese products, but confirmed that they will maintain focus on Woolworths. “Rich people shop at Woolworths,” explained spokeswoman Kwere Kunene. “They have the ability to make a choice. We can’t expect poor people to make conscious decisions about food and other necessities, other than, ‘can I afford to buy it or not?’”

The ANC-lead South African government has no sanctions, and do not intend to impose any sanctions on China. Blade Nzimande, a minister in this China-endorsing government and leader of the ANC-aligned SA Communist Party (SACP), gave his assurance that SACP will join and mobilise in boycotting Woolworths and other such stores selling Chinese goods. “My government’s official position is irrelevant,” he insisted. “We will close Woolworths down.”

Nzimande said that other than a few people in top leadership, very few members of the SACP can afford to shop at Woolworths anyway, so it will be easy for them to boycott the supermarket chain.

The Minister of Higher Education added that South African freedom shall remain incomplete for as long as “The rhinoceros remain under siege”. BN

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie enjoyed the privilege of Apartheid rule and never bothered to get a proper education. The regime change left him unskilled, unemployed and broke, so he settled for being a reporter. Now he’s only unskilled and broke.

 

 

 

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