Category Archives: Opinion

The 15 things that white people should know about black people

Every now and again I try to use this column for the greater good of mankind. Like Superman, Batman and Catwoman (okay maybe she’s not such a good example), I take my civil duties quite seriously.

I’ve often noticed how we continuously misunderstand each other as a nation. Black people in particular often feel as though they have to explain themselves to their fellow white brothers and sisters. This is normal for a 20-year-old democracy. However, I do believe the time has come for some things to be set straight and myths be busted.

Therefore, my South African people, being the model citizen I am, I have put together a little guide which should help accelerate the positive trajectory of race relations in our beautiful country.

1. Let’s just get this out of the way right now. Yes, black people wash their hair. Do I hear you ask how often? As often as any other race: every day for some, twice a week for others, once a month for others. Get the picture? Great. Let’s consider the matter buried then.

2. Criminals scare us, too. We don’t feel comforted by the fact that someone who’s the same race as us is robbing us. Crime is crime. So sit down, Steve Hofmeyr.

3. “You speak so well” is something you say to a two-year-old who’s just learned how to talk. No matter how well you mean it, stay away from that phrase – it makes you sound like a WASP berk.

4. Most of the time when we speak an African language, it’s not to exclude you or that we’re gossiping. There are times when the Queen’s language just doesn’t suffice. My Afrikaans people, you feel me, right?

5. If you have to say: “My black friend Lucy”, then you have a problem. We will automatically put you in the same box as closet racists. Sorry, I meant to say uptight liberals.

6. We’d also move to Australia (see point 2) if only they had Hip Hop Pantsula, vetkoek, DJ Fresh, the Big Five, Riaan Cruywagen … actually, I take that back. We wouldn’t move to Australia.

7. Calling black women “sisi, sister or girlfriend” doesn’t make you down with the people – it makes you sound patronising.

8. None of us represent the entire black race, so blanketed enquiries about why black people do this or that won’t get you anywhere. We’re individuals first before we are black.

9. We love it, oh do we love it, when you speak an African language. Not funnagalore or a patched-up version of Sotho. I’m talking about the real thing. If you speak an African language, or are making an honest attempt to, give yourself a high five right now.

10. Speaking of language, until the day you can say Nongqawuse properly, cool it with the constant pronunciation correction. You wouldn’t do that if the person was French or Italian – you’d think it’s cute.

11. Contrary to what the majority party’s youth league would like you to believe, we actually want you to stay and enjoy being here. South Africa wouldn’t be the same without you.

12. As the black team, we’d like to trade Jimmy Manyi for Michael Mol. Yes, we don’t want him that much.

13. There isn’t enough space in this column to express how intensely it bothers us when you grin when you make eye contact with a black person. It makes us feel like you’re afraid we’ll take your wallet. Next time you make eye contact with a colleague or stranger, either walk past or say “howzit”. Just don’t grin. It’s not warm, it’s fake.

14. We can swim. Oh come, don’t act like you weren’t thinking about it. Some of us can even scuba dive and snorkel.

15. And lastly my dear, fellow, beloved white countrymen, as the festive season looms and office parties start being planned, please note that there’s one song that should henceforth cease to be played at these parties. This is probably the most important point of this entire column.

The following is said with love, as we know how much you’re fond of this song. And we get it, at one point we were right there with you. However, there’s no easy way to say this and so I’m just going to go ahead and say it: We are sooo over Mandoza’s Nkalakatha. We’d like you to join us and press stop.

Written by Lerato Tshabalala, first appeared on Times Live

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Top 10 Ways to Get Recognised by Baleka Mbete

Baleka Mbete doesn’t want to recognise any of you. Why, you ask? Well, you’re doing it wrong. You can’t just stand up and demand to speak, as proper democratic procedure dictates! No, you need to be savvy. Never fear! Banana Newsline has the ultimate guide to getting recognised. Works every time, guaranteed, or your money back within before Julius gets back.

Here are your ten points of order.

1. Wear a name tag

If these kids can recognise each other, it must work.

If these kids can recognise each other, it must work.

Baleka has a short memory. Even though you were there the day before, she won’t remember you the next day, and she won’t recognise any of you.

 

2. Don’t bring an elephant

Bringing an elephant into the room could also lead to a riot.

Bringing an elephant into the room could also lead to a riot.

When you have an elephant in the room, nobody will want to talk to you. That’s one sure way not to get recognised. Leave your elephant at home.

 

3. Learn to rap

Vanilla Ice

Even if you’re Vanilla, you should be cool as ice. Baby.

Nothing says “you better re-kog-nize” like busting out a rhyme. When you got the flow, the peeps will know, Go, Go, Go! No diggity.

 

4. Ride a unicycle

Man on unicycle

Yeah, we don’t know either, but you got to try something.

Have you ever seen a guy on a unicycle? Of course you have. And if you see him again, you will most certainly recognise him. Hey, when you’re in a circus, you better have a trick.

 

5. Cut off your arms

Ronnie Parker, Nascar engineer

No riot police has ever harassed this man, ever.

Being armed will get you recognised by the riot police, but it won’t get you recognised by Baleka. Only if you are completely unarmed to the fullest extent of the word will you be left alone by the police, and recognised by Baleka.

 

6. Jump through hoops

Soldiers jumping through hoops

Circus Charlie’s special training school for aspiring MPs

This works especially well if the hoops are on fire. Now if you can do that while juggling two jobs and three razor sharp swords, well, you will most certainly get recognised.

 

7. Learn to dance

Disco Disco

Look familiar? Yeah, it looks a lot like parliament.

Dancing to someone else’s tune always gets you recognised. Dance wherever you can, whenever you can. Do a traditional dance, or just shake a leg. Just as long as you dance to a tune Baleka likes.

 

8. Marry Kanye West

Kim Kardashian

If you can see this, it must mean the internet has been repaired.

People will recognise you wherever you go. Even in parliament. No seriously, it’ll work. You won’t have to break parliament to get recognised. But you might break the internet.

 

9. Be on the right side

Left or right is as simple as black or white.

Left or right is as simple as black or white.

One  sure way to get recognised, is to be on the right side, which is the left side. But not too to far left side. That will ensure that you remain unrecognised for at least 30 days.

 

10. Be the proud owner of a fire pool

Fire pool - you're doing it wrong.

Fire pool – you’re doing it wrong.

Does Baleka have a fire pools. Can she even swim? Who knows? But if you have one, a very expensive one right next to a brand new thatched roof homestead, you will definitely get recognised.

There you have. Follow these ten easy steps, you will get recognised time and again and again. Remember, the more you do, the better your chances get. No go out there and get recognised! BN

Miriam Mokoena

Miriam Mokoena – Cultural Affairs

Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.

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Long live flour power and the Anti Noakes Congress!

Tim Noakes about to sit down to a slimming meal.

Tim Noakes about to sit down to a slimming meal.

I’m writing this in a secret bunker on the 18th day of July 2044. I’m writing this because the truth needs to be told so that some day someone will find this and know that the world wasn’t always this way.The resistance is in tatters – we’ve been annihilated. There are just a few of us left, mounting individual attacks, but it’s useless. It’s only a matter of time before we are weeded out and destroyed. We have lost.

It was in 2014 when our teacher told us that World War III would be fought between the East and the West over oil and religion. Could she have been more wrong? In those days we were happy and then one man got up and started instigating.
At first people said he was a noisy guy with just a few followers – they called him a mosquito; a fool, a clown – and made fun of him.

They said he was controversial, a rabble-rouser; that his ideas were dangerous and no one would take him seriously. It’s just a faddish gimmick that will soon be forgotten, they said.
He had a few fans, but he had many more critics than ardent supporters. But the
cult grew and his followers became increasingly vocal and militant.
The agitator I speak of is, of course, Tim Noakes. He said salvation lay with the lumpen proteinteriat in their struggle against the petty bungeoisie.

“My ideas are not new,” Noakes said. “A 100 years ago a great visionary declared: ‘The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of carb struggles’.” That was Carb Marx, who dedicated his life to a carbless society.”
Noakes launched the Meal Revolution, and said every missed steak was a mistake. The crossworders called his Meal Revolution “lame” (lame is an anagram of “meal”, ”revolution” is the anagram indicator).

But in spite of this Noakesism spread. Hollywood was split. Sean Penne rejected it but Kevin Bacon, the highly qualified actor (he has six degrees), endorsed it. Noakesist restaurants became trendy and people spurned the spud and joined the Noakeses’ Steakholders, who dressed in Lady Gaga suits of fillet and chunks of prime rib.

At first carb-eaters were allowed into carb-free restaurants, but things changed when the Noakeses formed the No Potato (NP) party and introduced a system of separate development, which he called apotatohate.
He warned about the carb gevaar and claimed there was a bread under every bed.

The Steakholders attacked bakers and anyone caught with potatoes or breaching one of the 10 Carbmandments was jailed. Public Loafing became an offence.

Then Noakes introduced Banting Education.
“Our bodies shall run on unbreaded fuel,” he declared.
While most people were panting about Banting, I was ranting about Banting. The world was divided into the Bantings and the small band of people who opposed them – the Buntings.

I’d graduated from the University of the Wheatwatersrand and believed there wasn’t a grain of truth in Noakesism. I was a child of the flour power revolution and, as far as I was concerned, Noakes was a cereal killer. He was protein.

I was anti-tein.

I followed in the steps of the great anti-Bantingistas like Bagel, Fidel Crusto and Che Guevaroll who said no whey. I became a founder member of the Anti Noakes Congress (ANC).
We first tried to negotiate with the NP but when Noakes and his food heavies would not budge, we felt we had no choice but to take up arms.

We are hungry for freedom – an ideal for which we are not prepared to diet.
A-Pasta Continua!

Article originally published on Jancerancer’s Blog.

 

Jonathan Ancer

Jonathan Ancer

I’m a journalist, cryptic crossword junkie, keen cyclist, Billy Bunter book collector and a Billy Bragg stalker. I love words and will post some of the columns I have written over the years on this blog. They include: View from the G-spot (my time as editor of a community newspaper in Grahamstown), Virgin Cyclist (the build up to my first Cape Argus PnP Cycle Tour), Pop psychology (my take on fatherhood) and Angry Utterances (10) (how crossword puzzles unlock the world’s secrets and the meaning of life). I will also be exploring my new journalism skills. Let me know what you think.

Muslims! Where Are They Happy?

Grass instead of desert sand? That could make anyone happy.

Grass instead of desert sand? That could make anyone happy.

They’re not happy in Gaza …
They’re not happy in Egypt …
They’re not happy in Libya …
They’re not happy in Morocco …
They’re not happy in Iran …
They’re not happy in Iraq …
They’re not happy in Yemen ….
They’re not happy in Afghanistan ….
They’re not happy in Pakistan …
They’re not happy in Syria …
They’re not happy in Lebanon …

SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?

They’re happy in Australia …
They’re happy in Canada ..
They’re happy in England …
They’re happy in France ..
They’re happy in Italy ..
They’re happy in Germany …
They’re happy in Sweden ..
They’re happy in the USA …
They’re happy in Norway ..
They’re happy in Holland …
They’re happy in Denmark …

Basically, they’re happy in every country that is not Muslim
and unhappy in every country that is!

AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!

AND THEN- They want to change those countries to be like,
THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!

 

Green indicates unhappy Muslim countries.

Green indicates unhappy Muslim countries.

Excuse me, but I can’t help wondering…
How damn dumb can you get?
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim
Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
– No Christmas
– No television
No nude women
– No pork chops
– No hot dogs
– No burgers
– No beer
– No bacon
– Rags for clothes
– Towels for hats
– Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
– More than one wife
– More than one mother-in-law
– You can’t shave
– Your wife can’t shave
– Your wife is picked by someone else for you
– Then they tell them that “when they die, it all gets better”???

Well No Shit Sherlock!….
It’s not like it could get much worse!

(Found on internet – origin unknown)