Category Archives: Politics

Zulu Adopted as Only Official Language in Parliament

zulu-parliament

Celebrations outside parliament as Zulu becomes the language of choice.

CAPE TOWN – Parliament pushed through a resolution to adopt isiZulu as the only official language to conduct parliamentary sessions. This was done in an emergency sitting following the disruption of parliament by opposition parties, including the Democratic Alliance and the Economic Freedom Fighters.

Members of the opposition called on parliamentary speaker Baleka Mbete to resign, claiming that she abuses her power to protect the president. Baleka made last minute changes to the agreed upon program. She limited the time allowed for discussion, including a debate on the Nkandla matter. This made Jacob Zuma a happy man, but angered the opposition.

Despite several chants from the banks that she must “go, go, go”, Baleka refused to resign. “The president appointed me to this position,” she said. “I’m impartial only to him.”

“I’m not abusing my power,” she continued.  It’s my job not to recognise anyone.”

Opposition parties claim that it is a deliberate attempt by the ANC to further erode the opposition.

The majority of DA’s MPs speak English. Mmusi Maimane, the party’s parliamentary leader, is a Tswana.

Most of the MPs representing the EFF speak Pedi, including party leader Julius Malema.

The four MPs of the Freedom Front Plus only understand Afrikaans.

The ANC, who hold the majority of seats in parliament, were unanimous in their decision to push the legislation through. “If they don’t know what we’re saying, we can ignore them a lot easier,” insisted ANC Chief Whip Stone Sizani.

Baleka Mbete sees the decision as a momentous victory. “Now I won’t have to recognise anyone,” she grinned.

The DA remains determined despite the setback. “We’ll all be speaking Zulu by Monday,” insisted Deputy Chief Whip Michael Waters. “I’ve already learnt how to shout hamba, hamba, hamba!”

FF+ leader, Pieter Mulder, strongly opposed the decision. “Praat Afrikaans of hou jou bek (Speak Afrikaans or shut up),” he shouted.

Mangosuthu Buthelezi, leader of the Zulu nationalist Inkatha Freedom Party, welcomed the new resolution. “Hopefully this will halt the rapid decline of my ailing party,” he sighed. “People vote for parties that actually speak in parliament. Now maybe we’ll get a turn to disrupt.”

Julius Malema could not be reached for comment, as he is currently enjoying a 30 day unpaid forced vacation. BN

Related Articles

Advertisements

Where is Jacob Zuma? Missing President Found! Exclusive Interview [With Pictures]

South African President Jacob Zuma disappeared. The poor [er, rich, actually – Ed] man was nowhere to be found. Numerous calls were made by the DA and the EFF to find the lost leader of Africa’s most African nation. Finally, after some serious investigation and consulting several sangomas, Wally Walker has the answer.

Where-is-zuma-vw-kombi

Finding Himself in Port St Johns

The president was lost, but now he’s found. He also found himself, down in Port St Johns. “It was a really spiritual journey for me,” reflected Zuma. “It was evening and I was facing the red sea of EFF, there was no doubt in my mind where I was longing to be. So I got the old kombi out of my large Nkandla garage and just drove and drove until I got here. No more Julius. No more Thuli. No more Zillas. Just me and my hubbly bubbly”

Msholozi spent his days on top of a koppie, staring at the ocean, smoking hookah while wondering what deeds are to be done, what victories are to be won, what songs are to be written and what lyrics are to be rhymed.  “The waves are so hypnotic, like a large woman’s buttock,” he said deeply. ”Especially when my head gets a little fuzzy from too much shisha. This stuff makes me makes me feel just as fine as when I saw Port St Johns for the first time.”

The president prefers Strawberry flavour. “Mint is also nice,” he added.

Where-is-Zuma-Sydney-Opera-House-and-Habour-Bridge

Ballet Dancing in Sydney

During a quick sneak into Australia, Jacob went to the Opera House in Sydney, where he saw a performance by a company of Chinese dancers. Afterwards, he got to meet some of the performers. “I told her that her moves are very beautiful, but that I can teach her a few of my own, and that’s exactly what we did.”

Zang Yashu, the president’s dance partner, was quite a quick study. “The umQhogoyo is very easy,” she said. “First you put your right foot in. Then you take your right foot out. And then, you shake your whole body all about.”

Where-is-zuma-Japan

Meeting Japanese Women

In Tokyo, Jacob frequented the geisha houses. It is there that he developed a great appreciation for Japanese culture.

“Here in Japan, I am so impressed to see how the people here show respect,” he said, before taking another sip of sake (rice wine). “A woman would clasp her hands together and even bow forward to show respect.”

Jacob also expressed interest in a possible cultural exchange. “If she can become a Zulu, I would take a Japanese woman as my next wife,” he laughed.

Phumela Ndende, coordinator of the Eastern Cape-based Support Centre, a women’s rights group, criticised his comments. “Before you can appreciate a culture, you must first see if that culture oppresses women,” she said.

Where-is-Zuma-Tai-chi-the-Chinese-martial-art

Learning Tai Chi in China

While backpacking through China, Msholozi discovered the ancient martial art of Tai Chi in an old temple in the Guangdong province.

“I thought they were offering me something to drink,” Jacob explained. “At first I said no thanks, because I prefer umqombothi. But then they took me outside and showed me.”

After a few swings of his arms, the president was hooked. It reminded him of dlala ‘nduku, the stick fighting he did as a young herd boy. Soon he was practicing every day.

“It’s very relaxing, this chai tea,” Jacob remarked casually. “I have a very stressful job. Most important is that this also teaches you the basics movements of kung fu, so next time Thuli [Madonsela] shows up, she must beware.”

Zuma’s teacher, Mr Miyagi, believes that the honourable president is a very promising student. “He learnt to wax on very quickly,” he said, “and his wax off is also getting good.”

Where-is-Zuma-fire-jumping

Fire Jumping in Albania

On his way from China to Europe on Atul Gupta’s private jet, Jacob decided on an impromptu stopover in Albania, because he’s never been there before, and it reminded him of the bread he ate back home. There he found a gathering of youngsters amusing themselves by jumping over fires. He promptly decided to get in on the action.

“No, I’m not scared at all.” he laughed. “I’ve been feeling the heat lately, so I’m quite prepared. It’s exciting, isn’t it? It’s really nice to feel a different kind of heat.”

Would Jacob like to do this sort of thing more often?

“I can’t do this at home,” he lamented. “My fire pool is in the way”

Where-is-Zuma-ice-fishing

Ice Fishing in Finland

Summer in South Africa is quite hot, and the air conditioners at Nkandla don’t work so well, with the Eskom blackouts and all. Numba 1 decided to give the crippled power company a break and visit Finland. And when in Finland, you do as Finn does.

Of course, that means running around in the snow in your birthday suit, and maybe doing a little fishing. “They wanted me to go nekkid,” he laughed, “but I said that there’s no way I’m taking off this leopard skin. I’m a president, we do as I say.

Now that it’s done, the president swears he’ll never do it again. And by the looks of things, bilateral agreements between the two nations may have taken a knock. “These Finns are crazy!” howled Zuma. “If I see a Finn coming one way and a shark fin from the other, I’ll go to the shark fin.”

Where-is-Zuma-London-ladies

Wooing the Ladies of London

The ladies love Zuma, and Zuma loves them. In London, capital of the British Empire, he met the granddaughters of a cousin of the queen’s brother-in-law’s younger brother. Being a statesman himself, Zuma was immediately attracted to royalty. “Whether it’s the boss of a country or the boss of a football club, if she’s related to the boss, my pants get antsy.”

Research has shown that four out of five women love Jacob. He has four wives, but has been married five times, with one divorce.

When asked if it’s wise for him to take on another wife, Zuma replied, “Women are like cows. One can never have too many.”

“I have a few cows in my kraal,” the president continued. “What good are they if I don’t use them for lobola?”

Where-is-Zuma-miley-cyrus-dancing-on-stage

On Stage with Miley Cyrus in America

Jacob likes to dance. So when Miley beckoned him to get on stage at a concert in Nashville and dance with her, he jumped at the opportunity. “I love Miley Circus, she’s great,” the president beamed. “That white girl can really bust a move.”

Miley offered the president the chance to sing along, but he declined. “I have a paper with the words,” he sighed, “but I can’t read fast enough to keep up.”

It turns out JZ has not seen the last of Miley just yet. “I’ve invited her to come take a dip in my fire pool,” he said. “Maybe she’ll sing by the amphi.., eish, I mean, retainer wall.”

Where-is-Zuma-Morelia-Mexico-Day-of-the-Dead

Celebrating Day of the Dead in Mexico

The president arrived in Mexico just in time to celebrate Day of the Dead, a holiday during which loved ones who passed away are honoured by dressing up in macabre costumes and carrying around skeletons. “It was a bit scary at first, because it’s like you see the tokoloshe everywhere,” he said.

Soon, however, Jacob felt right at home. “The white face paint reminds me of ukusoka, the initiation I went through as a boy. Except here they don’t cut your manhood.”

Zuma said that he would like to see something similar to the Day of the Dead take hold in South Africa. “I like this idea that people party to celebrate the dead,” he mused over a couple of cervezas. “I hope that one day people will party to celebrate when I’m dead.”

Where-is-Zuma-Sydney-Tahiti

Sunbathing in Tahiti

Tahiti is a wonderful place to catch some rays, and JZ spent some time catching a few z’s on the beach. “I was getting too pale skinned,” he said. “The majority started to think that I don’t have their best interests at heart. So now I’m burning myself a little darker again here in Tahiti. It’s a magical place.”

The South Pacific Island is famous for its fine sandy beaches, crystal clear waters and beautiful blue skies. “It’s a magical place,” said Zuma.

According to Jacob, Tahiti is the perfect place to rejuvenate oneself. “It’s almost as if you’re rebuilt and you come out a brand new version of your own self,” he thought out loud. “It’s a magical place. I don’t know why I keep saying that.”

Where-is-Zuma-Fishing-in-Bolivia

Fishing in Bolivia

In search of some adventure, Msholozi travelled down to Bolivia to explore the Amazon. The jungle is treacherous, with a thousand ways to die on every step, and the river is a bulging mass of water that drains the jungle faster than the ANC can drain the budget with wasteful expenditure.

While some feared for his safety, Jacob assured everyone not to worry. “I’ve practised in my fire pool, so I’m not afraid of the water,” he insisted. “And I’ve made it through Shaik, Gupta, Nkandla, Marikana, and five weddings, so I can handle a bit of jungle. I’ll just take a shower afterwards.”

The president, a traditionalist with strong tribal tendencies, was criticised for his angling exploits. “Fishing is not so much part of Zulu culture,” maintained King Goodwill Zwelethini. “You can’t really slaughter a ceremonial fish.”

JZ wasted no time in silencing his critics. “You mustn’t think like Zulus in kwaZulu,” he replied.

Zuma also used this opportunity to prove that South Africa is not out of its depth among the BRICS nations, like a fish out of water. “If Vladimir Putin can hunt bears with his bare hands, then I can fish for fish with mine,” he asserted.

So, that’s where the president has been for the past few weeks. Where do you think he is now? BN

 

Wally Walker - Photographer

Wally Walker – Photographer

Wally Walker is a world traveller and time travel aficionado. He’s been everywhere, and has a habit of blending into his surroundings, often making him hard to find.

.

.

.
.

*with apologies to Koos Kombuis and Joss Whedon for the misappropriation without compensation of a few of their words.

ANC Youth League Blames Apartheid for Chair Violence

Specially branded ANCYL chairs, can also be brandished as a weapon.

Specially branded ANCYL chairs, can also be brandished as a weapon.

Port Elizabeth – The Eastern Cape ANC Youth League Conference ended in chaos as disagreeing delegates started bashing each other with chairs. Then the lights went out, and more violence ensued.

“Ayanda [Matiti – former chairman] told people to look under their chairs, like he was Oprah or something,” explained Mzonke Ndabeni, a bloody delegate. “They found nothing. Next thing you know, all hell broke loose.”

“It was like we were playing musical chairs,” he added. “When the lights went out, everybody stormed for a chair.”

Conference organiser, Ncedo Kumbaca, blamed the misconduct on Apartheid, the political system used by the minority of whites to brutally oppress the country’s black inhabitants.

“It’s the former colonial masters that brought us chairs. Even today still we are suffering from the consequences,” said Kumbaca, a possible candidate for EC Chairman.

“Verwoerd taught us to use chairs,” he continued. “What we saw today was a direct result of that.”

“This kind of thing just doesn’t happen if you sit on the ground. You can’t hit each other with sand.”

Alfred Nzo, another bloody delegate, firmly agrees that mysterious third party forces are to blame. “Capitalists sold us those chairs,” he claimed. “That’s why we need Socialism now more than ever.”

As the chairs were manufactured in China, some delegates began to question the wisdom of South Africa’s close relationship with the major Asian nation. “It’s obvious that China is trying to become our Neo-Imperialist masters,” cried league member Dikgang Stock. “The mighty dragon wants to eat us and our resources, and it’s starting by breaking our heads open with chairs.”

The ANCYL national coordinator, Magasela Mzobe, lamented that the event was doomed to fail right from the start. “You can’t select a chairman when there are so many chairs around,” he said.

Mzobe is adamant that the delegates themselves could not be blamed for anything that happened. “What? No, how can you blame the league for what transpired? You must be mad!” BN

Boston Masilela – Political Analyst

Boston Masilela – Political Analyst

Boston Masilela used to be a freedom fighter. When the battle against freedom was lost he switched his ak-47 for a yellow Bic pen and took up journalism instead. He prefers rooibos tea, enjoys a party and all his friends are politicians.

South Africans Too Lazy to Commit Crime – Zuma

This policeman is too lazy to bribe traffic offenders.

This policeman is too lazy to bribe traffic offenders.

PRETORIA – President Jacob Zuma claimed that South Africans are too lazy to commit crime. “Foreigners come here, see opportunities and exploit them,” he said. “South Africans just sit around and wait for the government to do the stealing.”

Zuma said that since 1994, crime has played an increasing role in people’s lives. “There was no one who was talking about crime in the rural areas before 1994. It was not an issue and there were no xenophobic attacks for that.”

Since then, crime has been on a steady increase. “They have taken over criminal activity,” Zuma continued.

Nigerians enter the country and set up profitable drug smuggling rings. They have also cornered the prostitution market.

Vietnamese syndicates control the rhino horn industry, and they work with Mozambican contractors to handle the poaching on ground level.

High powered British investors monopolised private sector fraud and tax evasion, with foreign-owned companies selling natural resources at well below market prices, thereby paying much less tax. These sales are made to subsidiaries located in tax havens. From there they then resell tax free at market prices, and make more profit.

Zimbabweans dominate the housebreaking and car theft industries, while Angolans smuggle their post-civil war arms and ammunition leftovers into the country.

The president conceded that South Africans are at least still ahead of the pack when it comes to rape and murder. “But those crimes don’t really benefit the criminal, does it?” he sighed. “Those are financially fruitless endeavours.”

If he were a journalist, he would write to South Africans to say “wake up, there are things to be stolen, but you’re letting others steal it.”

Zuma reiterated that he would lead by example, and that together we can do more. “Just as I’ve built my own house using money stolen from taxpayers, so too can every South African build his own house.”

The Economic Freedom Fighters’ Floyd Shivambu demanded that something be done about the level of crime. “We must nationalise these crime syndicates at once,” he said. “If we allow these foreigners to loot and plunder there will be nothing left for us to loot and plunder when our government in waiting becomes a government incumbent.”

Congress of the People’s Terror Lekota sharply disagreed with President Zuma. “South Africans are not lazy,” he exclaimed. “They’re just in constant energy saving mode.” BN

Boston Masilela – Political Analyst

Boston Masilela – Political Analyst

Boston Masilela used to be a freedom fighter. When the battle against freedom was lost he switched his ak-47 for a yellow Bic pen and took up journalism instead. He prefers rooibos tea, enjoys a party and all his friends are politicians.

Jacob Zuma Lied About His Standard 4

Jacob Zuma explains how a vacuum can exist within a contained space.

Jacob Zuma explains how a vacuum can exist within a contained space.

NKANDLA – Allegations have been made against South African President Jacob Zuma, accusing him that he lied about receiving an informal education from a lady with a Standard 4 (now known as Grade 6) qualification. New evidence allegedly proves that the woman who taught him to read and write only passed Standard 3.

These allegations follow a spate of qualification scandals involving top ANC officials. Hlaudi Motsoeneng was controversially promoted to COO at the SABC even though he lied about graduating from high school. Further investigation revealed that SABC Chairperson Ellen Tshabalala also lied about her degrees from UNISA.

Dr Pallo Jordan resigned from parliament after it emerged that he is as much a doctor as Doctor Khumalo. Turns out the good doctor doesn’t have a PhD after all. It just so happens that the title was mistakenly given to him in a news paper article after he was nearly killed by a letter bomb while in exile, and it just kind of stuck.

Unlike Dr Jordan, however, Jacob Zuma has no plans to resign. “A matric is not everything. What you need is experience,” maintains Hlaudi Motsoeneng, a staunch Zuma supporter. “And I am very experienced at making political connections to help me to the top.”

It’s a sentiment with which Zuma wholly agrees. “I’ve had plenty of experience hovering around presidents before I became president,” he confirmed. “That’s how I knew I was the right man for the job.”

Zuma also had lots of experience dealing with corruption scandals before becoming president, so he is well equipped to deal with corruption scandals as a president. “Corruption come part and parcel with the position,” he elaborated. “If you haven’t been corrupt before you became president, they will throw you to the lions.”

EFF Commander-in-chief Julius Malema was so outraged by the allegations that he stormed out of parliament. “Zuma must go,” he demanded. “This is unacceptable. We can’t have a president with a dismal education background.”

The DA criticised Zuma, claiming that they have seen no evidence that he possesses the necessary leadership skills to run a country. “We demand to see your leadership skills,” insisted party leader Helen Zille. “Hand it over, or we will go to court to make you hand it over.”

Zuma, however, remains firm that he is perfect for the position of president. “You don’t need leadership skills to be president,” he replied. “You need leadership skills to be a leader. To be president, you just need to be present.”

The ANC plans to launch a commission to investigate the qualifications of all government officials. However, it says Zuma will be excluded from the enquiry. “There is no reason to investigate President Zuma,” maintained presidential spokesman Mac Maharaj. “The fact that Zuma is not qualified for the job is already public knowledge.” BN

Radebe G. Radebe – Political Analyst

Radebe G. Radebe – Political Analyst

Radebe understands that you really need to look politics from all sides, weigh up all options and come to terms with what politics is before you can write about politics. This takes time and resources, and he never makes a deadline. Still, his ill-conceived articles are better than it would have been if he rushed it to meet demands. Even if we can never print it, because it’s too late.

Helen Zille Disrupts Media House, Demands Attention

Helen Zille out in full force.

Helen Zille out in full force.

JOHANNESBURG – A group of Democratic Alliance supporters, led by party leader Helen Zille, invaded media house Media24’s Johannesburg office, creating chaos and forcing several newspapers to shut down temporarily.

Even though security tried to block them off at the gate, at least 300 DA members – including Zille – managed to squeeze through. Once they gained access to the building, they swarmed through the offices, some even helping themselves to journalists’ lunch.

The party demanded that the media pay a little attention to them. “Look, we can cause havoc too,” shouted a deranged Zille while dumping a wastepaper basket over the reception desk. “Just look at that pile of rubbish right there! Now, write about it. Go on, write!”

Zille then took her R300 red lipstick out of her blue designer purse and proceeded to write “The DA is here to stay” on the conference room wall, before kicking over a chair and demanding to see the editor of Rapport.

The DA members – all dressed in blue overalls with blue DA berets perched on their heads – were notably angry that the Economic Freedom Fighters were stealing their thunder and getting all the headlines. “We are convinced that the EFF is an ANC conspiracy to get the media to forget about the DA, and we won’t stand for it,” grunted DA member John Willoughby, before shooting an elastic band at an innocent bystander. “We won’t allow those EFF hooligans to get away with it. We will fight back.”

Despite repeated request to calm down, the mob refused to leave, and proceeded to sing “Write about the DA, write about the DA.” Riot police was called in and finally managed to clear the building.

The DA threatened to continue disrupting the media until they are allowed back onto the front page. “We will be here once a week, every week,” Zille insisted.” Well, maybe every two weeks or so. Our supporters have jobs to go to.”

Several journalists were visibly shaken up by the ordeal. “I’ve never been so terrified,” remarked a shivering Samuel Ngube, reporter for City Press. “Usually we go to the riot. The riot never comes to us.”

Media24 CEO, Esmaré Weideman, reassured the DA that the media group is not deliberately trying to snub the party. “Our readers simply prefer reading about corruption, death and destruction,” she said. “If the DA wants more attention they will have to be more corrupt. Who knows, maybe then they may even win the next election.” BN

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie enjoyed the privilege of Apartheid rule and never bothered to get a proper education. The regime change left him unskilled, unemployed and broke, so he settled for being a reporter. Now he’s only unskilled and broke.

Malema: Earthquakes Won’t Stop Unless Zuma Pays Back The Money

Julius Malema is waiting for an answer. Still waiting.

Julius Malema is waiting for an answer. Still waiting.

CAPE TOWN – The Economic Freedom Fighters claim that the series of earthquakes rocking South Africa will not come to an end unless Zuma pays back the money used to upgrade his Nkandla homestead.

“The ancestors are unhappy because Jacob has taken the pap from our mouths to build his Nkandla,” insisted Julius Malema, Commander-in-Chief of the Economic Freedom Fighters, speaking to the press after being thrown out of parliament for asking Zuma when he will pay back the money.

Chaos erupted in parliament after Malema asked Jacob Zuma when he will pay back the money, and the president tried to avoid answering the question. Eventually, in an effort to protect the president from all accountability, National Assembly Speaker Baleka Mbete ordered Malema to stop bothering the president by asking him questions he doesn’t like. In response, the EFF started singing “pay back the money”, until they were finally removed from parliament by force.

“If he doesn’t pay back the money our forefathers will sweep us all, along with his precious homestead, into the Indian Ocean. Cattle kraal and all.” Malema continued.

The ANC is appalled by the actions of the EFF, and issued a severe criticism. “This kind of behaviour is a real threat to our corruption,” said Mac Maharaj, spokesman for the presidency. “We have carefully set up institutions to ensure that we can avoid all accountability, and we can’t have these young hooligans marching in and disrupt our thieving. There will be consequences. The EFF will one day have to account for their actions today.”

Despite scepticism from certain quarters, the red-overalled parliamentarian claims to have proof beyond a doubt that the earthquakes were caused by the Nkandla scandal. “There have been three earthquakes since Jacob built Nkandla, two of them after Thuli [Madonsela] released her damning report,” he asserted.” South Africa never had an earthquake before, not even during Apartheid have I felt the earth shake under me.”

The firebrand politician believes that Zuma should make an effort to pay back the money soon, for the sake of the health and safety of all South Africans. “I’m really scared, and I don’t scare easily. Even white people don’t scare me,” he mumbled. “I shudder just thinking about the shaking quake. Pay back the money.”

At the time of writing, the president has not indicated if and when he will pay back the money. “We consider the rise in earthquakes as very serious and worrying, and will appoint a presidential task team to investigate the matter,” confirmed Maharaj.” The president will wait for its findings before yet again trying to avoid having to make a response about not paying back the money.”

Although scientists and politicians don’t necessarily agree on the actual cause of the earthquakes, both weather scientists and political analysts agree that South Africa should brace itself for further turmoil. Said eTV weatherman Gerrie Keyser: “Hang on, we’re in for a bumpy ride.” BN

Boston Masilela – Political Analyst

Boston Masilela – Political Analyst

Boston Masilela used to be a freedom fighter. When the battle against freedom was lost he switched his ak-47 for a yellow Bic pen and took up journalism instead. He prefers rooibos tea, enjoys a party and all his friends are politicians.

.

.

.

Related Articles

EFF Storms Building, Demands Food

Julius Malema saying grace before the EFF tucked into Gauteng MPs's lunch

Julius Malema saying grace before the EFF tucked into Gauteng MPs’ nourishment

JOHANNESBURG – The Economic Freedom Fighters stormed the Gauteng Legislature on Tuesday, demanding to nationalise the provincial MPs’ lunch.

Terrified MPs handed over their skaftiens before getting escorted to safety by riot police. “It was horrible,” groaned a petrified official. “I was about to enjoy a delightful pastrami sandwich when they entered my office. I could only stand and watch while an EFF member gorged himself on my sarmie. “

Members of the revolutionary party swirled around the building, smashing windows and demanding more food. “We are hungry, and we spent all our money on red overalls,” explained one ravenous EFF mutineer.

Pieces of pastry were flying appetizingly through the air, smashing into the faces of the cackling mob. “We are Economic Food Fighters,” shrieked a rapacious rabble-rouser before attacking a comrade with a cream doughnut.

A sobbing MP, rescued by the police from the EFF mob, described how a rioter simply helped himself to her freshly poured glass of milk. “He just threw it down his throat remorselessly, but most of it ran down his cheeks and dripped onto the floor,” she snivelled. “But I’m not crying over spilt milk, I’m crying from all the teargas.”

Police fired rubber bullets and teargas in an attempt to disperse the large horde of EFF hooligans jammed at the entrance of the legislature, harassing passers-by while chanting: “Today free food, tomorrow free everything!”

The EFF’s firebrand leader, Julius Malema, stated that riots and chaos are important aspects of the party’s policy. “The EFF is the party for the poor,” reminded Malema. “We are creating jobs. Somebody needs to rebuild this place again after we destroy it.”

Malema also defended the party’s red overalls. “There is no greater issue in our democracy than the right to wear overalls,” he asserted. “We cannot even begin to fight poverty, inequality and wealth distribution while we are still struggling for our right to wear red overalls in parliament.”

The ANC condemned the EFF disturbance. “It’s disgusting, and no way to behave,” insisted provincial spokesman Nkenke Kekana “There are many more civil ways to loot the government.” BN

.

Remington Steele - War Correspondent

Remington Steele – War Correspondent

Remington was born at gunpoint on the Cape Flats. He spent his whole life following guns around, shooting them with his camera. He believes the pen is mightier than the sword, but he’s still not sure where the fire arm fits into the equation. When not reporting on a war he… Oh, hang on. There’s always a war going on.

DA Announces Upgrade to Helen Zille’s House

ZillevilleThe Democratic Alliance is thrilled to announce that the Western Cape Government will pay for a multi-million rand upgrade of Helen Zille’s private home in Rosebank, Cape Town.
Following the recent trend of public money being used for upgrades to private residences, Ms Zille is excited to see what this upgrade will do to the value of her family home, which is to be renamed ‘Amandla’.
The initial upgrade is planned for about R20 million, but according to Western Cape Finance Minister, Alan Winde, “everyone knows that these things often run way over budget, so the Western Cape Government has set aside R246 million for inevitable cost overruns”.
This project will include many of the latest “security features” to protect Ms Zille. The full details of the upgrade are classified, but the Project Manager for the upgrade, Mr Tell Us Nxesi, is able to confirm that Zille’s new home will include a “decontamination Jacuzzi”, a “security surveillance theatre”, an “underground safety gym”, and an “emergency helipad that will also serve as a tennis court”.
When quizzed about whether she thought the upgrades were defensible, Ms Zille responded: “I didn’t ask for these upgrades. I am the Premier, sure, but I don’t get involved in any actual decisions. I just work here.”
When asked how this upgrade would be paid for, given the other pressing social needs in the country, Mr Winde said “It doesn’t matter. The money must be found. We will make a plan. I mean, come on – this is for Helen!”
Mr Winde has said further that he was considering the “introduction of e-tolls in the Western Cape”. In an unguarded moment, he went on to say “we will obviously tell people that their money is being used to upgrade the roads and stuff”.
The ANC has responded to this news with outrage. ANC spokesperson Mr Jack Daniels Mthembu said that “there can only be one Number One. The DA thinks it can behave like a real government. But Zille is racist – we built Zuma’s palace in the rural areas where development is needed. The DA is building their palace in the city.  We will be reporting this matter to the Public Protector for investigation”.

Source: Democratic Alliance

DA Apologises to ANC Over Nkandla SMS

Mmusi Maimane tells the media the real truth, and nothing but the truth.

Mmusi Maimane tells the media the real truth, and nothing but the truth.

JOHANNESBURG – The Democratic Alliance, through its spokesman Mmusi Maimane, issued an unconditional apology to the ANC over an SMS sent out to more than 1.6 million potential voters.

The questionable DA SMS read: “The Nkandla report shows how Zuma stole your money to build his R246m home. Vote DA on 7 May to beat corruption. Together for change.”

The ANC took the matter to the South Gauteng High Court, accusing the DA of violating the Electoral Act by distributing false information aimed at influencing the outcome of an election.The ANC wanted a follow-up SMS to be sent out with an apology or that the DA pay a R200 000 fine.

The ANC’s legal team contended that Public Protector Thuli Madonsela’s report on Nkandla found that the public works minister and his staff are a rather hopeless bunch, and that everybody involved in the construction of the homestead contributed to the scandal either through general incompetence, or by gainfully exploiting the general incompetence of others. Except, that is, for Number 1, who may just be absolved from all allegations of wilful corruption due to the good fortune of his own staggering ineptitude.

Even though the DA won the court case, the party finally conceded that the SMS was an blatant obfuscation of the facts. “We may have misread the report,” shrugged Maimane. “Thuli never specified that Jacob personally stole. She only said that he’s got a house paid for with money stolen by others.”

The main opposition party admitted that it unduly focussed on the wrong felony. “Although possession of stolen goods is a crime, we have to concede that it’s a crime different from the act of stealing,” explained Maimane.

Despite the apology, the ANC remains somewhat dismayed. “It was never about the apology,” cried spokesman Jackson Mthembu. “We were hoping to win the case with a judge ruling that a DA SMS claiming Zuma stole was false, thereby miraculously absolving Zuma of all allegations of wrongdoing or untoward benefit. Now we’ll have to explore other avenues to save Msholozi.”

To rectify their mistake, the DA will send out a new, more accurate SMS. According to Maimane, the updated SMS will read: “The Nkandla report shows how Zuma is in possession of your money, stolen by his staff to build a R246m home for him. Vote DA on 7 May to beat corruption. Together for change.”

At present, the DA is planning to take the ANC to the South Gauteng High Court, on charges of violating the Electoral Act by distributing false information aimed at influencing the outcome of an election.

“Section 89 of the Electoral Act prohibits lying during election time,” repeated Maimane. “Jacob Zuma lied to us about Nkandla. We demand an apology, or that he pays a fine equal to his unlawful benefits.” BN

 

Barend Strijdom – Law Correspondent

Barend Strijdom – Law Correspondent

While serving time and trying to fight the system from the inside, Barend learnt a thing or two about the law. He follows the law closely, from a distance, and the law follows him. Do not tell anyone that he’s out.

.

.

.

Related Articles