FREETOWN – Researchers from the University of KwaZulu-Natal found that Holy Water contains a powerful agent that could cure the deadly Ebola disease and put an end to the virus crisis.
The highly lethal disease has ravaged the West African countries of Liberia, Sierra Leone and Guinea, killing over 1400 people, including many of the doctors trying to fight it.
In the face of this microparasitic crisis, a research team consisting of South African scientists working in collaboration with Sierra Leone’s College of Medicine and Allied Health Sciences as well as Doctors Without Borders was assembled to study the virus with the aim of finding rapid results, and to stop the disease from killing all of mankind in a most horrific manner.
The fierce plague spreads fast and kills even faster, but progress to stop it was slow. After many false starts, the scientists finally had a lucky break when Pastor TB Joshua, one of Nigeria’s richest millionaire preachers and world famous faith healer, donated 4 000 bottles of Holy Water in an effort to curb the deadly Ebola yoke that is threatening to destroy Sierra Leone. “It was the least I could do for my West African brethren,” the minister humbly stated. “I truly wanted to do more, but have you seen the price of bottled water lately?”
The Holy Water is a consignment of Pastor Joshua’s patented “Anointing Water”, bottled and specially prayed over by Joshua himself, to be given to those who are in desperate need of healing but are unable to physically attend his church in Lagos.
Despite initial scepticism, the academics eventually decided to test the water. “At first we thought it was just religious hocus-pocus, but we were running out of ideas faster than the Ebola patients were running out of blood, so we gave it a go,” shrugged Doctor Milton Vilakazi, head of the South African delegation.
The scientists isolated an enzyme in the water that isn’t really there, and discovered that it has the ability to cure Ebola. “We’re not sure what it is, but it’s in there, and it works,” remarked Vilakazi.
Religious leaders are not surprised by the findings. “Well it’s obvious, isn’t it?” exclaimed Rev. Dr. Jonathan B.B. Hart of the Liberian Council of Churches. “We really knew all along that the bug was created because of the immoral acts penetrating our society.”
Not everyone is convinced by this supernatural claim for the cause of the outbreak. “I wonder why God always sends a plague to countries that opposes homosexuality and tramples over gay people’s basic human rights,” mused Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu. “He rarely sends a plague to countries that respects gay rights, affords them the right to live freely, or even allows gays to get married. Maybe God is not punishing them because gays walk among them, but rather, He’s punishing them for all their hate.”
As for the virus, although the future looks brighter, don’t get your hopes up just yet. The holy water still needs to go through a rigid testing period before it can be used on dying patients. “Protocol dictates that we can’t use untested medicine,” sighed Dr Vilakazi. “It’s not safe. What if it ends up killing a patient?”
Sierra Leone’s President, Ernest Bai Koroma, welcomed the news of a possible cure. “This is good, very good indeed,” he said in a statement. “And if a pharmaceutical company greases the right palms, we can fast track the cure to human testing, ready or not.”
For now, however, the World Health Organisation is warning against using unproven cures. “There is still no known cure for Ebola,” reminded WHO spokeswoman Fadela Chaib. “Your best bet is a good dose of prayer. And we’re not even sure about that.” BN
Arthur spent many years trying to find empirical evidence that the earth is round. When he discovered it has already been proven he decided to focus on reporting the findings of other, more distinguished scientists instead. In his free time he researches the psychology of African killer bees.