Category Archives: Technology

Holy Water Found to Contain Powerful Ebola Vaccine

Ebola protective clothing being dried after cleaning with regular water. Soon, Holy Water might be used for protective laundry.

Ebola protective clothing being dried after cleaning with regular water. Soon, Holy Water might be used for protective laundry.

FREETOWN – Researchers from the University of KwaZulu-Natal found that Holy Water contains a powerful agent that could cure the deadly Ebola disease and put an end to the virus crisis.

The highly lethal disease has ravaged the West African countries of Liberia, Sierra Leone and Guinea, killing over 1400 people, including many of the doctors trying to fight it.

In the face of this microparasitic crisis, a research team consisting of South African scientists working in collaboration with Sierra Leone’s College of Medicine and Allied Health Sciences as well as Doctors Without Borders was assembled to study the virus with the aim of finding rapid results, and to stop the disease from killing all of mankind in a most horrific manner.

The fierce plague spreads fast and kills even faster, but progress to stop it was slow.  After many false starts, the scientists finally had a lucky break when Pastor TB Joshua, one of Nigeria’s richest millionaire preachers and world famous faith healer, donated 4 000 bottles of Holy Water in an effort to curb the deadly Ebola yoke that is threatening to destroy Sierra Leone. “It was the least I could do for my West African brethren,” the minister humbly stated. “I truly wanted to do more, but have you seen the price of bottled water lately?”

The Holy Water is a consignment of Pastor Joshua’s patented “Anointing Water”, bottled and specially prayed over by Joshua himself, to be given to those who are in desperate need of healing but are unable to physically attend his church in Lagos.

Despite initial scepticism, the academics eventually decided to test the water. “At first we thought it was just religious hocus-pocus, but we were running out of ideas faster than the Ebola patients were running out of blood, so we gave it a go,” shrugged Doctor Milton Vilakazi, head of the South African delegation.

The scientists isolated an enzyme in the water that isn’t really there, and discovered that it has the ability to cure Ebola. “We’re not sure what it is, but it’s in there, and it works,” remarked Vilakazi.

Nothing says Ebola like a red blot on a map.

Religious leaders are not surprised by the findings. “Well it’s obvious, isn’t it?” exclaimed Rev. Dr. Jonathan B.B. Hart of the Liberian Council of Churches. “We really knew all along that the bug was created because of the immoral acts penetrating our society.”

Not everyone is convinced by this supernatural claim for the cause of the outbreak. “I wonder why God always sends a plague to countries that opposes homosexuality and tramples over gay people’s basic human rights,” mused Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu. “He rarely sends a plague to countries that respects gay rights, affords them the right to live freely, or even allows gays to get married. Maybe God is not punishing them because gays walk among them, but rather, He’s punishing them for all their hate.”

As for the virus, although the future looks brighter, don’t get your hopes up just yet. The holy water still needs to go through a rigid testing period before it can be used on dying patients. “Protocol dictates that we can’t use untested medicine,” sighed Dr Vilakazi. “It’s not safe. What if it ends up killing a patient?”

Sierra Leone’s President, Ernest Bai Koroma, welcomed the news of a possible cure. “This is good, very good indeed,” he said in a statement. “And if a pharmaceutical company greases the right palms, we can fast track the cure to human testing, ready or not.”

For now, however, the World Health Organisation is warning against using unproven cures. “There is still no known cure for Ebola,” reminded WHO spokeswoman Fadela Chaib. “Your best bet is a good dose of prayer. And we’re not even sure about that.” BN

 

Arthur Ford - Science and Technology

Arthur Ford – Science and Technology

Arthur spent many years trying to find empirical evidence that the earth is round. When he discovered it has already been proven he decided to focus on reporting the findings of other, more distinguished scientists instead. In his free time he researches the psychology of African killer bees.

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Bill Nye vs. Ken Ham: The Clash of the Short-named Scholars

ken-ham-bill-nuy

In what will arguably be the greatest debating event of the 21st century, Bill Nye and Ken Ham will verbally wrestle it out in what has been dubbed “The Clash of the Short-named Scholars”. It’s expected to be a rumble of epic proportions, the kind not seen since George Foreman got himself knocked out by a roaring Muhammad Ali during the eighth round in a Kinshasa boxing ring.

The clash will pit two experts on existence against each other, in a battle to determine the origin of mankind, or indeed life itself.

The event has generated substantial interest, crashing several web forums as cyber hooligans slug it out in support of their man.

Bill Nye during the glory days of educational television, when children still learnt things.

“This is the most important event of our lifetime,” explained internet philosopher Tim Burtman. “When the battle is over and the dust finally settled, we will once and for all know who we are and where we came from.”

Bill Nye the Science Guy, builder of the MarsDial, is famous for a hosting television show wherein he tricked kids into knowing science. The former entertainer is so atheist that he’s not even sure that he himself exists, and will be defending Evolution by Natural Selection, the theory that we’re cousins of the monkeys – first invented by Charles Darwin in 1859.

Ken Ham’s literary masterpiece, a tour-de-force in scientific instruction.

Ken Ham, builder of the Creation Museum, is famous for publishing children’s educational books with covers suggesting people rode on dinosaurs. The former intellectual, who looks remarkably similar to the biblical prophet Jeremiah, will be taking the side of Young Earth Creationism, the 6 000 year old theory that dinosaur bones were buried to test our faith.

Analysers seem to lean towards a victory for Bill Nye. “He’s got a slight advantage over Ham,” insisted blog reader Michael Hodgkins. “His first name has four letters, while Ken only has three.”

Several pundits, however, are adamant that Ham might be able to pull off an upset. “Do not underestimate Ken,” suggested Dan Moreno, a betting man from Cincinnati. “He’s got a beard. That could easily be mistaken for wisdom.”

Those close to the Ham camp remain optimistic about his chances. “The extra “L” is definitely something for Ken to worry about,” considered Steve Ham, Ken’s business partner and long-time brother. “But he has bathed in oil and will come preordained.”

On the other side, Team Nye is confident that their steadfast preparation will be more than reasonable. “He has worked really hard at reducing his carbon footprint,” enthused friend and neighbour Ed Begley. “Right now he’s in the best shape of his life. He’ll crush anyone”

One thing everyone is certain about is that you won’t want to miss it. “This is the battle that will be remembered for years to come. Future generations will ask each other, “Were you there when it happened? Were you there?” BN

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Arthur Ford - Science and Technology

Arthur Ford – Science and Technology

Arthur spent many years trying to find empirical evidence that the earth is round. When he discovered it has already been proven he decided to focus on reporting the findings of other, more distinguished scientists instead. In his free time he researches the psychology of African killer bees.

Kurt Darren to Have Electronic Hip Replacement

Kurt DarrenPRETORIA – Popular Afrikaans singer Kurt Darren will get an electronic hip after being involved in a car accident. This new hip will allow him to improve on the trademarked Kurt Darren Hipshake™ that made him famous. “My new hip will have artificial intelligence, allowing for enhanced anticipation of movement,” the singer revealed.

Having returned to the stage recently – wearing an eye-patch to cover his still recovering eye – Darren found that the Hipshake™ was not up to the usual standard and consulted with his doctors. “People don’t come to my show to hear me sing, they come to see me shake my hips. I need to do what I can to give my fans what they want.”

According to Darren, he discovered the Hipshake™ purely by accident. “Sometimes even I was surprised when my hip suddenly shook, but the fans loved it. It made me famous so I never complained,” laughed Darren.

Incidentally, it was another accident that will lead to the new, improved Hipshake™. “Well, my hips always had a mind of its own. Now it will have a better mind of its own.”

The singer, known for the throwaway pop hits Kaptein, Loslappie and Meisie Meisie, was involved in a car crash on his way home from a rugby match at Loftus Versveld in Pretoria. The Toyota Fortuner in which he was travelling rolled after swerving to avoid a head-on collision with an oncoming car. “One minute I was at a rugby game, the next I felt like I played a rugby game,” laughed Darren.

It has been verified that the accident did not happen because he celebrated the Bulls victory too much, nor was it a deliberate attempt on his life by liberal Afrikaners who hate what they refer to as “his trashy dance music”.

Darren is very optimistic about what the future could hold in store for a newer, better Kurt Darren. “I think when I’m fully recovered and recording a new album, I should probably use more electronic effects on my voice. If I’m gonna be half robot I might as well sound more robot.”

However, it’s the possibilities of live shows that get him really excited. “I can’t wait to get back onto a stage all new and improved. I’m looking forward to being hipper than ever.” BN

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Saartjie Vermaak - Entertainment News

Saartjie Vermaak – Entertainment News

Saartjie wanted to be a pop singer but she couldn’t sing. Instead she started following pop singers around. She started writing to avoid getting arrested.

 

 

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Vegetarianism ‘More Dangerous Than Smoking’

VegetablesResearchers at Harvard Medical School reported last month that consumption of red meat greatly increased the risk of death from all causes. Their 16 year study found that  each extra three ounces of red meat eaten daily increases one’s risk of cardiovascular disease by 16%, cancer by 10% and death from all causes by 12%.

However, this week researchers at the Coalition for a Balanced Diet – a group funded mostly be large U.S. meat companies – have presented a contrasting study. The new study finds that people who follow a strictly vegetarian diet actually increase their risk of all cancers by a whopping 385%. This striking conclusion would mean that excluding meat from one’s diet contributes more to one’s cancer risk than any other single cause – including smoking.

"We can't be certain why red meat is so good for your health until more studies are done."The carefully crafted study followed for ten years a group of 2,000 middle aged adults in the United States who had no dietary constraints. The control group consisted of 1,800 adults in Eastern Europe on a strict vegetarian diet.

The team researchers are unsure why vegetarians are at such an increased risk. “Our basic hypothesis red meat contains some sort of yet undetected micronutrients that have protective effects.  But we can’t be certain why red meat is so good for your health until more studies are done.”

However other scientists were skeptical of the new claims because the group of vegetarians was recruited exclusively from north central Ukraine, a region heavily affected by the 1986 Chernobyl nuclear accident.

“You can’t really do a proper prospective study on cancer rates using test subjects who were exposed to high levels of raidation in a nuclear power accident..”

The Coalition for a Balanced Diet had no comment on the record.

 

Article sourced from The Daily Currant.

Study: Simba is Most Addictive Substance Known To Man

There’s more to the iconic slogan “I want to be a Simba Chippie” than meets the ear. New evidence reveals that those who eat Simba chips may be driven by an obsessive desire that could possibly eat them. Arthur Ford is welcomed in the jungle.

Simba Creamy Cheddar Cheese Potato ChipsSTELLENBOSCH – Research has revealed that Simba’s Creamy Cheddar flavoured potato chips is the most addictive substance consumed by humans. Scientists from the University of Stellenbosch studied a wide range of concoctions in order to rank them according to their addictive properties and Simba came out on top.

The team of researchers led by Professor Herman Charles Havenga spent several years feeding many substances to test subjects in order to observe what they refer to as ‘the craving’. “It starts of almost unnoticeably,” he claimed. “Maybe a twitch; an itch that needs scratching; something innocuous and commonplace; behaviour you won’t think about twice. In its most progressive stage it matures into a deranged desire. The addict is consumed by his need to consume his fix. He is unable to continue with the drudgery of everyday life until he satisfied the craving.”

Simba Creamy Cheddar chips have a particularly virile stranglehold over the user. According to Prof. Havenga, the addict find escape a nearly insurmountable task. “Nobody can have only one potato chip,” reiterated the professor. “Nobody…”

Simba Creamy Cheddar Cheese Potato Chips Packet

Simba Creamy Cheddar chips in the packaging preferred by pushers.

The potato chips’ addictive properties are absorbed by the mouth and tongue, and enter the nervous system instantly. “Few other substances reach the brain so swiftly,” asserted Prof. Havenga. “The user reaches immediate bliss, and the high increases dramatically as consumption continues. The more you eat, the more you like eating. It roarrrs with flavour.”

It’s also believed that dagga is a gateway drug to Simba chips. “Very often a potato chip junkie would start with something as innocent as smoking dagga, and before he knows it he’ll have the munchies and that’s where the chip habit starts.”

The effect of Simba is severely enhanced by smoking dagga. The pleasure derived from consuming a chip greatly increases according to the amount of dagga inhaled before eating. “Chipheads often smoke a joint before opening a pack. They find the combination euphoric.”

Unfortunately, the delight brought about by the potato chip comes at a price. Doctors warn that Simba Creamy Cheddar chips could be lethal. “As little as four 150g packets when consumed in too brief a period could be devastating to the body’s cardiovascular system,” affirmed Doctor Fidel Nostro of the Cape Heart Centre at UCT. “Also, in most cases which resulted in death, the abuser was so overcome with pleasure that he choked on a fragment of the chip. If you absolutely must partake, do so with a friend.”

Long term use increases the possibility of unnatural weight gain. Doctors recommend regular exercise to counteract the effects of the chips. “That is, of course, if you can lift your fat ass off the couch,” added Dr. Nostro.

The People Against Potato Chips action group are calling for warning labels to be printed on Simba Creamy Cheddar packets. “We strongly believe that people will think twice about eating a chip if there is a sign advising them to reconsider,” suggested group founder Marietjie van der Westhuizen. “People don’t do things if they know it’s bad for them.”

The Simba Group Ltd, manufacturer of Simba Creamy Cheddar chips, strongly objected to this suggestion. “Warning labels? What a preposterous idea!” replied Media Liaison Gerrie Knoetze. “There’s no evidence that links Simba chips to cancer.”

The snack food giant also expressed its commitment to helping those suffering from the terrible affliction of chip addiction. “The customer complaints hotline will now double up as an addiction helpline,” announced Knoetze. “Our staff will be able to council you while you complain about a defective chip.”

coffee order arrives

Coffee with a street value of R250.

This list is the most comprehensive ever calculated. Nearly everything was tested and ranked according to its habit-forming qualities. “We didn’t test Timjan,” said Prof. Havenga. “Everyone just assumed that it has no addictive properties whatsoever.”

Coffee came in second on the index, followed by nicotine and heroin. Pringles rounded up the top Five. “Apparently it’s true that once you pop, you can’t stop.”

Surprisingly, dagga did not even make it into the top 50. “You should be more worried about chocolate (12th), says Prof. Havenga.”That stuff will kill you. You’ve heard of Death by Chocolate. Ever heard of Death by Dagga?”

Not everything on the list is bad for you. Water came in at 58th place. “Unless you drown in it, it’s pretty good for you, right?” laughed the professor.

The rest of the list is boring and not worth mentioning. BN

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Arthur Ford - Science and Technology

Arthur Ford – Science and Technology

Arthur spent many years trying to find empirical evidence that the earth is round. When he discovered it has already been proven he decided to focus on reporting the findings of other, more distinguished scientists instead. In his free time he researches the psychology of African killer bees.

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The God Particle

Medium Hadron ColliderProfessor Dougal McNutshell, a scientist working on the Medium-Sized Hadron Collider in Scotland, was a splendid sight in his white coat and kilt, the wind whipping his beard about his face with a ferocity only found in the Highlands of Scotland. Facing him, mike in hand, was Scott Norton-Drummond III, of American Scientist. He was here to interview him and his partner Dr Rabijansan MacMurtry, originally from the University of Calcutta, but now seconded to St. Andrews University to work on the Medium-Sized Hadron Collider.

‘Professor McNutshell, our readers would be most interested to know why you’ve decide to build the Medium-Sized Hadron Collider here in the Highlands of Scotland.’

‘Och weell, it’s all a matter o’ space, ye ken? We built it here in the Heeghlands because it’s no’ too dissimilar from Switzerland, wi’ the moontains an’ all.’

‘Was that your sole reason for building it here?’

Dr MacMurty stepped forward. ‘No no no no! Not at all. Because there was already a badger den in place here on the hillside, we did not have to excavate as much as the Swiss did, so it saved us a lot of money.’

‘A badger den?!’

‘Aye, laddie, a badger den! Have ye seen hoo deep those dens are? Some o’ them can go as deep as half a mile, so it saved us money on the excavations, as Dr MacMurtrey said. We only had tae dig oot anither five miles oorselves.’

Scott Norton-Drummond III looked from one to the other in amazement tinged with amusement. ‘You do realise, don’t you, that the Large Hadron Collider has nineteen kilometres more tunnel than you do?’

‘Of course, laddie, tha’s why we called this the Medium-sized Hadron Collider. But size is no’ all, it’s a heell of a lot moore than tha’!’ He walked over to an array of magnets, huge industrial horseshoe magnets, sunk down into the mud and barely visible. ‘What we’ve done here, laddie, is tae put these magnets pole tae pole and run a hydrogen atom around inside the tunnel. With the magnets pole tae pole, the wee atom disnae know which way tae go, so it goes roond and roond in the tunnel. Next week we’re goin’ tae be replacing these magnets wi’ electromagnets and the power and speed will increase dramatically!’

‘What is the current speed of the atom inside the tunnel?’

Professor McNutshell looked at Dr MacMurtry quizzically. ‘What d’ye think, Raj?’

‘We estimate it to be about ninety miles an hour at the moment, but once we get the electromagnets, we’ll be up to near-light speed in about two years.’

‘And what is it you’ll be looking for? At the Large Hadron Collider they’ve already observed the Higgs-Boson, or God particle. What do you hope to achieve?’

Professor McNutshell walked over to a mound and beckoned the reporter to follow him. ‘Ye see, they’ve got all these ideas aboot the Higgs-Boson an’ the God particle, but they’ve nivver seen ‘em, have they?’

‘They’re sub-atomic,’ said Norton-Drummond III. ‘They’re invisible, even to an electron microscope.’

‘Aha!’ exclaimed Professor McNutshell. ‘So they’re really only guessin’, then.’

‘No, not at all. They have the data to prove everything they’ve achieved so far.’

‘Pchah! Facts an’ figures, laddie, facts an’ figures. We’re goin’ tae show the world what actuallyhappens when the atoms collide.’

Norton-Drummond II was puzzled. ‘But how?’

‘By usin’ an electron microsocope.’ He stopped and pointed at the mound where he was standing. ‘Inside this moond is an electron microsope, an’ we’re goin’ tae be able tae see th’ atom splittin’ an’ the wee eletrons flyin’ off.’

‘But that’s impossible!’

‘Nae lad, nothin’s impossible if ye have the right equipment.’ He pointed to the mound. ‘Have a look here: electron microscope.’

‘But you can barely see atoms with an electron microscope! How could you possibly see subatomic particles?’

Professor McNutshell held up his finger like a schoolteacher. ‘Aha! That’s where we’ve got the drop on everyone else! Raj, come and show the wee laddie what we’ve come up with.’

Dr MacMurtry held up a strange looking device. ‘This is a magnifying glass which will be fitted to the eyepiece of the electron microscope. This will magnify the image we receive, and we attach this lens to a high-speed camera, so we can film it happening.’

Norton-Drummond III was nearly spluttering with indignation. These two had to be pulling his leg! ‘What you are proposing is impossible: it’s never been done!’

‘Nae laddie, because it’s nivver been done b’foore disnae mean it’s impossible; it just means it’s nivver been done before.’ He gestured. ‘Come over here.’

Norton-Drummond III walked over to a pipe sticking up out of the ground. ‘And what’s this?’

‘This, laddie is where we drop th’ other wee hydrogen atom once th’ other one gets up tae near-light speed. Then we film them when they crash intae each other. Oh it’ll be a bonnie wee day, that will.’ He took the reporter’s shoulder and led him away to a hillock overlooking the entire assembly.

‘People tend tae forget hoo inventive the Scots are, because somebody else is a’ways stealin’ oor thunder. John Logie Baird invented the television, but he’s hardly recognized. John MacAdam made the proper pavin o’ roads a reality, but people forget that. That coat ye’re wearin was invented by George MacKintosh. I could go on and on, but I’m no’ here tae bore you, laddie. I’m here to show ye some more Scottish ingenuity!’

‘And when you’ve filmed this atom splitting, what are you going to do then?’

‘Why, get drunk o’ course! Then, when we’ve sobered up, we’ll show it tae the world, an’ call it the Raj-Dougal particle.’

‘But the Higgs-Boson has already been observed and named!’

‘Aye laddie, but it hasnae been seen, an’ we’re no’ sayin’ it’s the same wee particle we’re lookin’ at. Oors could be the divvel particle an’ blow us all tae smithereens!’ He and Dr MacMurtry laughed heartily at this joke, obviously a favourite of theirs. ‘Nae, lad, it’s perfectly safe. But come back in two years an’ ye’ll see a different story here. In fact, if ye’re in time, we’ll let you be the one tae observe it!’

He looked up at them in amazed excitement, all scepticism gone. ‘Really?’

‘Aye laddie, really. Noo, ye’d better be on yoor way, so we can get back tae work.’ He thanked them and left, the wind buffeting him as he walked back to his car.

‘So, Dougal,’ said Dr MacMurty. ‘Do you think it worked?’

‘Aye laddie, it worked alright. He’ll go back tae America and some crazy investor is goin’ tae want tae invest money tae earn recognition, an’ then we’ll be gone.’

Dr MacMurtry sighed. ‘I really love science, you know, but I think we better get out of this wind and have ourselves a bowl of curry!’

By Tyrone Heydenrych

Ray Comfort Claims Pineapple Disproves Big Bang Theory

Christian minister Ray Comfort claimed today that the existence of pineapple disproves the Big Bang theory. 

In a video uploaded to his official YouTube channel, the New Zealand-born leader of The Way of the Master ministry said that the spiny fruit could only exist in a universe created by God.

Ray Comfort“The pineapple is the physicist’s nightmare,” he explained. “This humble fruit single-handedly destroys their argument that the universe began at a single point in space 13.77 billion years ago.

“Now according to the atheists and scientists, everything in the universe started at one single point and eventually traveled to their current locations. But how is that possible?

“I think we all can agree that the pineapple is one of nature’s strongest fruits. But even considering its incredible strength, it’s hard to imagine pineapples surviving the trip all the way from the center of the universe to Earth.

“Maybe rocks, mountains, and even oceans can voyage though deep space. But what about the rest of God’s creation? How did things like pineapples, carrots or goats travel all that way? God must have created them, right here on Earth.”
God of Gaps

Comfort is known for his use of fruit metaphors to challenge accepted scientific theories. In his best known video, he arguedthat the fact bananas are easy to peel disproved evolution because only intelligent design could explain this useful feature.

After many people pointed out that the banana was bred by humans to be easier to use, he eventually retracted his statement. In today’s video, however, he appears committed to his “pineapple principle.”

“Are you a sinner?” he asked his audience. “I know I’m a sinner. And I know I’m a liar. That’s how I recognize all the signs of a blatant fraud.

“It’s simply not possible for creation to have begun inside a singularity. But this is what the evolutionists and the Big Bangers want us to believe. That every man, woman, child, planet, star and pineapple all started out at the same place at the same time.

“But the good news is that God will forgive you. If you disavow your Darwinist and Lemaîtrian ways, you too can be redeemed and be awarded everlasting life.”

Article sourced from The Daily CurrentVisit the Daily Current, it’s a much better news source than Banana Newsline.

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Study: Marijuana Linked to Hunger; Set to Revolutionise Snack Food Industry

Marijuana brings on the munchies—at least if you smoke as much as the average smoker, according to the largest and longest study ever to consider the issue, which was published in the High Times Magazine. Arthur Ford goes one toke over the line.

marijuana-science
Researchers working on an ill-conceived long-term study on eating habits documented the behaviour of young adults over the course of 20 years, starting in 1985 when they were aged 18 to 30. The research pool consisted of 1124 test subjects, and 988 made up the control group. Unfortunately, 31 subjects could not complete the study due to death. The research team from the Portland State University claims that the expiries were unrelated to marijuana. According to the scientists, natural causes given the length of the study were to blame.

They found that marijuana increased the desire to consume snack food in nearly all of the test subjects. 78% of test subjects reported “getting the munchies” immediately after a single joint, while 22% claim to “have the munchies” soon after. 98% claim that the need to eat went away soon after eating something.

Doritos seems to be the popular choice, with 67% claiming to be stocked up just in case a craving strikes. According to the report, Oreo‘s come in with 52%, Pop Tarts with 48%, Kellogg’s Corn Flakes with 43%, while Lunchables cheddar crackers completes the top five with 42%.

The control group smoked catnip instead of cannabis. Little or no changes were reported in their appetites over the whole course of the study, although a few reported minor cravings for milk.

doritos-super-bowl

The study was conducted to scientifically confirm rumours that marijuana may be linked to appetite in humans. “Stoners claim to have known this all along,” asserts Clevent Ambrose, a member of the research team. “Now we have the numbers to back it up.”

“This will have a huge impact on the snack food industry,” speculates Darren Thomson, spokesman for Lincoln Snacks Company. “Now that manufacturers have these irrefutable statistics, they will know how to develop and market munchies to stoners. It will be beneficial to food companies and stoners alike.”

The Stoners are thrilled by the results. “I would like to, like, eat an ice-cream flavoured Oreo, and stuff,” remarks Willy*. “That would be radical, man.” Others are hoping for new developments in food distribution. “They should like, invent a way for my bong to stuff Cheetos straight into my mouth while I toke it, suggests Duffy*. “A drip to get it directly into my stomach would be sweet. Then I don’t even have to chew.”

When probed about his own marijuana use, Ambrose simply laughed. “I’m a scientist. I can’t afford to buy so much food.”

*Not his real name

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arthur-ford

Arthur Ford – Science and Technology

Arthur spent many years trying to find empirical evidence that the earth is round. When he discovered it has already been proven he decided to focus on reporting the findings of other, more distinguished scientists instead. In his free time he researches the psychology of African killer bees.

 

Newly Evolved Leaping Lion Discovered in South African Nature Reserve

On lions, high jump, the insignificance of Acacia trees, fresh underwear and the eminent doom that faces us all. Arthur Ford is on safari.

The leaping lion pounces on unsuspecting giraffe.

The leaping lion pounces on unsuspecting giraffe.

NELSPRUIT – Scientists in the Kruger National Park discovered a newly evolved species of lion. This lion is said to look physically similar to other lions, but has the ability to jump 12 meters (40 feet) into the air.

According to Doctor Johan van Niekerk, biologist at the University of Pretoria, a series of gene mutations caused lions to develop additional strength in their hind legs, increasing their ability to leap upwards. “You can see the legs are slightly bigger, but the muscles possess an incredible ability to contract which really causes the increase in vertical capability,” van Niekerk suggested.

The team of researchers didn’t so much find the lions, rather, the lions found them. “We discovered this lion when he came bearing down on us over a small Acacia tree,” recalled van Niekerk. “I vividly remember the swooping mane and the ferocious roar. It mangled the hood of my Land Rover and the insurance company refuse to pay out. How do you explain that? It got crushed by a flying lion!”

Van Niekerk managed to revive Jaco Steenkamp, the group’s scatological expert, after a minor seizure induced by the sudden fright. “The sight of a lion pouncing from out of nowhere was just too much for him. I could barely keep it together myself. Good thing Vicky (Prinsloo, research assistant) was sitting in the back and didn’t see it coming. That would have been a real mess.”

After a fresh change of clothes the group set off to follow the lion and discovered a whole pride of leaping lions. “It was quite a sight,” remembered Steenkamp. “They were bouncing everywhere. The little ones could clear 2 metres (6 feet) easily, even without a run-up.”

The researchers tranquilised two of the lions, a male and female, to withdraw samples. “We took everything. Blood samples, stool samples, you name it,” claimed Steenkamp. All samples were hastened through to the lab back in Pretoria, where it was confirmed that the leaping lions are indeed genetically a new species. “No question, there’s definitely genetic mutation involved.”

This poses a grave danger to humans. “Not only will our fences be unable to keep them away, but the sight of seeing a lion bearing down at you from altitude will probably kill you before its teeth does,” van Niekerk remarked. “We expect the number of fatalities from lions to increase drastically in the next few months.”

A task team has been set up to deal with containment solutions in anticipation of the impending lion apocalypse. “We can’t just go in and kill them all, although we keep that in mind,” said van Niekerk. “We hope to find a solution where man and lion can coexist in relative peace.” BN

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arthur-ford

Arthur Ford – Science and Technology

Arthur spent many years trying to find empirical evidence that the earth is round. When he discovered it has already been proven he decided to focus on reporting the findings of other, more distinguished scientists instead. In his free time he researches the psychology of African killer bees.