Xenophobic Attackers Will Be Sent To Somalia

The sensitivity training specialist

A Somali sensitivity training specialist prepares for a lesson.

DURBAN – Every person found guilty of committing a xenophobic crime will be sent to Somalia. That is the outline of a new plan being implemented by the South African government following a spate of attacks against foreigners in KwaZulu-Natal and elsewhere.

Vice President Gwede Mantashe announced the proposal at a press conference earlier today.

“We will be working closely with Al Shabaab in Somalia to accommodate these xenophobic villains,” he said. “We call them Xenofaults, because they are broken people, and what they do is wrong.”

Refugee camps will be set up in Somalia to concentrate the xenophobic brutes together. Al Shabaab will set up camps in the Xuddur and Bu’aale regions. These camps will form the basis of the National Sensitivity Towards Foreign Nationals Training Program.

The days will be spent breaking rocks, digging mass graves for fallen soldiers and sowing buttons back onto uniforms, while Somali terrorists scream insults about Shaka and his mother into their ears. Nights will be spent wailing and gnashing their teeth.

Mantashe believes that giving people the opportunity to learn how it feels to be hated for being from another place will help them understand why their actions are wrong.

“Well basically, these Xenofaults will get first-hand experience of what it’s like to live in a strange land where everyone wants to kill you,” he said. “I think the hostile environment will do them good.”

“Being South African means living with the spirit of Ubuntu towards those around you,” Mantashe continued. “The Xenofaults are people who really don’t want to be South African anymore. We’ll help them, and send them to Somalia.”

After six months, once the training program has run its course, the xenophobic hooligans will be reintegrated into society as proper, newly formed human beings.

Critics have slammed the proposed plan, calling it far-fetched and short-sighted.

Francois Cronkite of the Centre for Human Rights-related Mental Illness believes that xenophobia is a symptom of the other problems endemic to our society, which shapes our moral understanding.

“If years of Apartheid, where people have been hated for being different, haven’t taught people that hating others for being different is wrong, then nothing will,” he lamented. “We should just give them jobs to keep their hands busy and hope for the best.”

Pastor Ray Makhali of the Ministry of the Living Jesus believes the violence is happening because people misunderstand the Bible.

“Jesus told us to love thy neighbour,” reminded Pastor Makhali. “He never said anything that we must love thy neighbour, unless he’s from Zimbabwe.”

The pastor believes the only way to end xenophobia is through educating people about the real words of Jesus. “I don’t think those Somali warlords will teach people much about the Bible,” he sighed.

The xenophobic criminals will be taken to the Durban harbour, where they’ll be loaded onto a boat headed towards the Horn of Africa. There they will be captured by Somali pirates before getting shipped to their final destinations in rusty old military vehicles, surrounded by red scarves and RPGs. BN

Salim Malik - Foreign Correspondent

Salim Malik – Foreign Correspondent

Salim Malik is not sure where he’s from. That makes him a foreigner wherever he goes. Being a foreigner is all the experience he needs to be a foreign correspondent. Salim travels the globe hunting the news and chicken vindaloo.


Statue of Johnnie Walker Defaced in Port Elizabeth

Johnnie WalkerPORT ELIZABETH – Yet another statue has been vandalised. A sculpture of Johnnie Walker was defaced outside The Brick and Mortar, a pub in Port Elizabeth last night.

The statue was sprayed with an as yet unidentified green substance during the early hours of the morning. The provincial management of the Economic Freedom Fighters in the Eastern Cape has claimed responsibility for the act.

Preliminary investigations revealed that EFF leaders frequented the pub to plot anti-colonialist economic emancipation and the liberation of land invasions over a few tumblers of Johnnie Black on the rocks. Eyewitnesses confirmed that the act of vandalism took place after another of these strategic meetings.

EFF spokesman, Makhaya Nbikhi, maintains that all symbols of colonialism and white oppression must go, and Johnnie Walker was no exception.

“Johnnie Walker is known as the man who brought whisky to South Africa,” he said. “It was this desire to drink whisky that inspired the colonial masters’ effort to conquer all of Africa. Even today, especially in the mornings, we are still feeling the effect of the colonial legacy of Johnnie Walker.”

“Too much whisky creates a monumental babelaas,” he continued. “We as a people cannot be free for as long as these symbols of the pain and anguish we suffer in the morning remain standing.”

According to Nbikhi, the EFF delegation did not have any paint readily at hand, so instead they vomited on the statue. “A man must revolt when a man feels revolted,” he asserted. “Revolution waits for no man. Sometimes it comes out when you least expect it.”

Management of the Brick and Mortar was not too offended by the incident. “These things happen,” sighed Justin Brooks, the owner. “My cleaning staff will have it all soaped up in time to open.”

The EFF has not yet declared any plans to eliminate the alcoholic substance represented by the statue. BN

Boston Masilela – Political Analyst

Boston Masilela – Political Analyst

Boston Masilela used to be a freedom fighter. When the battle against freedom was lost he switched his ak-47 for a yellow Bic pen and took up journalism instead. He prefers rooibos tea, enjoys a party and all his friends are politicians.

Winter Spotted Off the Coast of Cape Agulhas

Cape-Agulhas-lighthouseCAPE AGULHAS – Sailors on board The Flying Bushman, an I&J deep sea fishing trawler, reportedly spotted the winter lurking just off the South African coast, a few kilometres south of Cape Agulhas.

The colder season was apparently skulking around Africa’s southernmost point looking for an opening to sneak in over the shoreline when it was recognised by the small fishing crew.

“I was just standing there, looking over the ocean while tugging on a fishnet,” remembered Langhans de Lange, one of the fisherman on The Flying Bushmen, “when suddenly I thought Djissie, ma dis dan mos die winter daai (that’s winter over there). Then it turned around, and when it did, I knew exactly what it was. It was the winter right there.”

Eyewitnesses claim that winter looked especially menacing. “It was in a foul mood,” remarked Petrus Geduld, another fisherman. “A foul mood, like its last bite of snoek fell on the floor and the dog licked it, that kind of foul mood.”

“Ja,” interjected Langhans. “If the winter makes landfall huffing and puffing like that, you know it’s going to be a cold one. And I’m not talking about a Castle Lager here, né.”

The South African Weather Service sent a team of meteorological experts to the site of the alleged sighting in an attempt to study the unpleasant season first hand, but the winter was nowhere in sight.

The current whereabouts of winter is at present still unknown, but a source within the Weather Service whispered that they are fairly certain the frosty period will definitely rear its ugly head soon.

The public has been asked to keep on the lookout for the wretched season, and to report any activity presumed to be the onslaught of winter. BN

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie enjoyed the privilege of Apartheid rule and never bothered to get a proper education. The regime change left him unskilled, unemployed and broke, so he settled for being a reporter. Now he’s only unskilled and broke.



Steve Hofmeyr Reveals New Political Party Manifesto

Steve Hofmeyr

“Ermagherd! Pollytieks!” – Steve Hofmeyr

PRETORIA – Afrikaans singer and Apartheid activist, Steve Hofmeyr, threatened to create his own political party if he gets one million supporters. After much campaigning by his most dedicated worshippers, he managed to scrape together 189 000 followers. He went ahead to form his political party anyway.

This new organisation will be named the Toeka Party, or TP for short. “Toeka refers to a time long gone,” explained Hofmeyr. “We demand change, to change things back to the days before everything changed.”

Even though the next election is still far into the future, Hofmeyr and his cohorts presented the new Toeka Party’s manifesto.

The manifesto contained several key points Hofmeyr feels are essential to transform the transformation of South Africa into something slightly less transformative, and, according to Steve, those key points are as follows:

“It will be out with the new, and in with the old. We will get rid of the Old New South Africa, and it will be in with the New New South Africa, which will be more like the Old Old South Africa, essentially making the New New South Africa a New Old South Africa.

In this New New South Africa, every man will have the right to sing Die Stem whenever he likes. Okay, I realise that every man has the right to sing Die Stem, even now in the current New South Africa. But when I’m president, singing Die Stem in its entirety will not symbolise a desire to bring back Apartheid any more. Mostly because Apartheid would already be back.

The constitution will be changed so that freedom of speech will include freedom from responsibility and freedom from consequence, except for Julius Malema. He will be held accountable for his words no matter what.

Every Boer will have a bakkie. If you can’t afford a bakkie, one will be given to you. No bank or sponsor will be allowed to take away your bakkie, no matter what you say or do.

Men will be allowed to marry only one woman, and only have children with this one woman. Illegitimate children will be unacceptable. This is the Afrikaner way. None of this Black African “marry lots of woman and have children left, right and centre” shenanigans will be tolerated. I am an Afrikaner, and my party will exist purely to promote the Afrikaner way of life.

We, as a party, will work towards a justice system where blacks who are caught speeding at over 160km/h will get released on bail of R5 000, and whites on only R500.

If I’m president, everybody will write with their right hand. The left won’t be tolerated.

Everybody will support the Blue Bulls. Also, I will ensure that every Blue Bull is made a Springbok. Eventually, I will phase out all the other teams, and we’ll be left with only one Blue Bull team, who will play against themselves. And none of them will eat off the floor.

The war against puppeterror will be stepped up. Every person who owns a puppet will be accused of idolatry, branded a heretic and forced into exile. All puppets will be gathered by a special new police unit called Kleivoet. We’ll build a big bon fire and burn them all while sitting around it drinking gemmerbier and singing Neil Diamond songs.

And finally, in the interest of public decency, South Africans will be strongly discouraged from un-Steve-ing themselves.”

According to a source close to Hofmeyr, the singer-recently-turned-politician will travel to Bronkhorstspruit to kick off a nationwide pannekoek sale to raise funds for the TP campaign. Hofmeyr hopes to secure enough funding to register the party for the 2019 election.

The entertainer is undaunted by the mammoth task of leading a political organisation. “I’ve been to many a party in my life. How hard can this be?” BN

Saartjie Vermaak - Entertainment News

Saartjie Vermaak – Entertainment News

Saartjie wanted to be a pop singer but she couldn’t sing. Instead, she started following pop singers around. She became a journalist to avoid getting arrested.



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The Statue of Nelson Mandela Must Go

Protesters gather around the offending Mandela statue.

Protesters gather around the offending Mandela statue.

PRETORIA – Thousands of students from the University of Pretoria marched to the Union Buildings and demanded the removal of the statue of Nelson Mandela.

“The traitor must go,” they chanted, as they covered the statue with black refuse bags.

“Madiba sold our people out when he negotiated with the whites,” explained Thoko Tsetste, who instigated the protest. “It’s because of him that white farmers still have land.”

“Mandela wanted reconciliation,” he continued. “We’ll give it to him. We will reconcile his statue to the scrap yard, rabbit ear and all.”

The mob circled the defenceless statue, swirling in a uniform chaos, and launched a second wave of assault.

“First we take down Madiba, then we take down Shaka,” they chanted, as they spray painted slogans across the base of the statue.

“Yes, you see, King Shaka was a tyrant,” elaborated Tstetse. “He attacked all the other tribes. He chased Moshoeshoe up the mountain and forced Mzilikazi to flee to the north. That’s why so many people of Lesotho and Zimbabwe come to South Africa. Now that Shaka is gone, they’re coming back home.”

“It’s obvious that Shaka is only a hero to the Zulu,” hissed Tsetse, “But most people in this country are not Zulu. We now have a Zulu president, therefore the statue of Shaka is a symbol of the oppression we experience under the tyranny of Jacob Zuma.”

The protest was met by a strong reaction from the pro-statue faction of the TUKS campus. Many of them gathered on higher ground, shouting abuse down at the anti-bronze protesters.

“Everybody is a hero to some and a villain to others,” insisted Chiliboy Morena, the fiery ringleader of the anti-anti-Madiba group. “We must remember the people who shaped our history, whether we like them or not. Even Nelson Mandela must be remembered, regardless of whether you think he’s a terrorist not.”

“You may think Mandela was a traitor, Shaka was a tyrant, Cecil John Rhodes was an evil colonialist or Paul Kruger had a beard, but these are the people who shaped our history,” he maintained.

“We as South Africans are who we are because of our past, all of it, the good and the bad, the joy and the sorrow, the great and the terrible, and we must remember all of it, if we are to remember who we are.”

Thoko Tstetse stuck his forefinger into the air and dismissed the sentiments of the pro-statueists.

“Those people all benefited from things like BEE, tenderpreneurship and Model C schooling, and are completely detached from the plight of the poor black,” he shrugged. “They can’t be taken seriously.”

Chiliboy Morena and his faction remain resolute in their opposition to the protest.

“Shacks are the real monuments of Apartheid, replied Morena. “That’s what we must tear down.”

The Department of Arts and Culture will convene on Wednesday to decide the fate of Nelson Mandela’s statue. BN

Miriam Mokoena

Miriam Mokoena – Cultural Affairs

Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.


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The Fall of Rhodes Statue Only The First Step (Mail & Guardian)

Consumers Shocked that Petrol Increase Was No April Fool’s Joke

petrol-price-increaseSOUTH AFRICA – Millions of consumers all over South Africa were shocked on the morning of April 1 when they awakened to a much higher petrol price.

Petrol increased by as much as R1,62 inland and R1,60 at the coast.

Even though the price hike was announced a week earlier, many road users were not prepared for the increase and did not fill up on cheaper petrol the day before, as is the usual custom.

“I really thought it was an April Fuel’s joke,” cried Naas Bonsema, an exhaust-pipe fitter from Standerton.

Some car owners claimed that the high value of the increase and the exact date of the proposed increase were just too much of a coincidence to be plausible.

“They said the petrol price was going to rise,” said Sipho Komedi, a taxi driver from Maboneng, “but I thought hauwa, that can’t be right! R1,62? Aikôna!”

“I heard them say the petrol was going up,” remembers Siswe Maltabela, “then I heard it was going to happen on the first of April, and I laughed, hehehehe, this Zuma, he’s a funny guy, getting us mad about the petrol…”

Road users are still struggling to come to terms with the reality of the sharp petrol price hike.

“I wanted to laugh at all my friends who spent half their salaries filling up their bakkies,” moaned Kwik Shop manager Gerrie Kotze. “I was gonna laugh at their empty bank accounts, now they’re all laughing at my empty tank.”

“Ja,” sighed Bakkies Blignaut, “I guess the joke really is on us.”

South Africans from all over expressed a general feeling that they’ve certainly learnt a valuable lesson. “Politicians may be known for lying,” exclaimed Durbanite John Hancock, “but if a government official announces something bad, you better believe it is true.”

Perhaps the biggest April Fool’s joke was no joke at all. BN

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Despite being previously disadvantaged, Dumisani managed to achieve the 30% mark required to pass matric. It was enough to enable him to secure his dream job: Being a journalist. Dumisani lives on his couch with his two plants.

John Lennon’s “Imagine”, Made Into A Comic Strip

Ever imagined a John Lennon song as a comic strip? Imagine no more… Here it is! Imagine by John Lennon, as a comic strip.


Lyrics by John Lennon

Artwork by Pablo Stanley

Eskom Scraps Kalahari Solar Power Plant – Zuma Blames Apartheid

The melting solar panels of the Kathu solar plant.

The melting solar panels of the Kathu solar plant.

KATHU – The beleaguered South African utility company, Eskom, has scrapped plans to construct the proposed Kalahari Solar Power Plant near Kathu in the Northern Cape.

The parastatal placed the blame for the abrupt cancelation of this potentially energetic enterprise squarely on the sun, the giant heavenly body that forms the centre of our solar system and is a major source of light during the daytime. “The sun is too damn hot,” explained Eskom CEO Tshediso Motana. “The solar panels will melt like a Dairymaid ice cream on a Durban beach in December.”

Eskom’s reputation has already taken a severe knock due to the recent power shortage caused by several collapses at power stations across the country, and the utility company is unlikely to risk building anything else that could fall to pieces. “With all the meltdowns we’ve recently had, our reputation won’t handle a solar meltdown,” said Motana.

“The construction of the new Medupi and Kusile power stations are taking very long,” he continued. “We’re afraid that the construction of the Kalahari Solar Power Plant will take even longer. It’s too damn hot, and workers can’t even lift their arms for fear of death by perspiration.”

Furthermore, Eskom fears that terrain difficulty may also prove to be a potential obstacle. “It’s so damn hot, the sand keeps shifting to try find a spot in the shade.”

Apartheid caused load shedding

President Jacob Zuma recently blamed Apartheid for all the troubles that are plaguing Eskom. The ailing power supplier has been struggling with an electricity shortfall and the persistence of load shedding due to poor maintenance of the power grid.

“The current government can’t maintain power plants and keep them from falling apart or successfully run a power company because many years ago the Apartheid regime only supplied electricity to white people,” he said.

The president also made excuses for the slow construction of the Medupi and Kusile power plants. On completion, the new plants should alleviate much of the country’s electricity problems.

“This government conceived the idea of building new power plants, it organised the construction, provided the funding, and it’s overseeing the whole construction process,” Zuma explained, “but the reason the construction is way over the deadline is because many years ago, the Apartheid government only provided electricity to white people.”

The president also blamed Apartheid for the current government’s slow response in dealing with the crisis.

“It is Apartheid’s fault that we have an electricity crisis, because if the Apartheid regime built more than enough power infrastructure for the new democratic government to inherit, nobody would’ve noticed that the we are too incompetent to maintain it and keep up with expansion.”

According to Zuma, the current government cannot be held responsible for the electricity crisis. “How were we supposed to know that if you expand the electricity grid to serve more people, you need to expand the supply capacity as well?” he asked. “Apartheid never told us.” BN

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie enjoyed the privilege of Apartheid rule and never bothered to get a proper education. The regime change left him unskilled, unemployed and broke, so he settled for being a reporter. Now he’s only unskilled and broke.

Boycott Woolworths for Selling Chinese Products

An angry protester demands that Woolworths save the rhino.

An angry protester demands that Woolworths save the rhino.

CAPE TOWN – An activist group last week started a social media campaign calling for consumers to boycott Woolworths and other retailers which import products from China.

Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions (BDS) last week sent out its call in a newsletter and on Twitter, using the hashtag #BoycottWoolworths, to draw attention to what called they called the “mass massacre of rhinos in Southern Africa”.

The campaign says Woolworths imports several products from China including, well, nearly everything on the shelves that aren’t produced by South African farmers. “What does it matter if we hurt South African agriculture?” asked BDS spokeswoman Kwere Kunene. “Woolworths must be stopped at all cost.”

The BDS acknowledged that other stores are also selling Chinese products, but confirmed that they will maintain focus on Woolworths. “Rich people shop at Woolworths,” explained spokeswoman Kwere Kunene. “They have the ability to make a choice. We can’t expect poor people to make conscious decisions about food and other necessities, other than, ‘can I afford to buy it or not?’”

The ANC-lead South African government has no sanctions, and do not intend to impose any sanctions on China. Blade Nzimande, a minister in this China-endorsing government and leader of the ANC-aligned SA Communist Party (SACP), gave his assurance that SACP will join and mobilise in boycotting Woolworths and other such stores selling Chinese goods. “My government’s official position is irrelevant,” he insisted. “We will close Woolworths down.”

Nzimande said that other than a few people in top leadership, very few members of the SACP can afford to shop at Woolworths anyway, so it will be easy for them to boycott the supermarket chain.

The Minister of Higher Education added that South African freedom shall remain incomplete for as long as “The rhinoceros remain under siege”. BN

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie enjoyed the privilege of Apartheid rule and never bothered to get a proper education. The regime change left him unskilled, unemployed and broke, so he settled for being a reporter. Now he’s only unskilled and broke.




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Exclusive: Oscar Pistorius’ First Prison Birthday Celebrations

Tiny Tsepho takes good care of Oscar

Tiny Tsepho takes good care of Oscar [image by Flems]

PRETORIA – Three-time paralympian and first-time killer Oscar Pistorius celebrated his first birthday behind bars – and 28th over all – on Saturday, 22 November, only one month into his 10 month prison visit.

Pistorius received a slap on the wrist after he repeatedly shot his bathroom door because it was locked.

Prison has not been easy for the former sponsored millionaire, as living without the freedom he enjoyed ever since he got his first prosthetic leg was weighing him down, but his fellow inmates, lead by cellmate Tiny Tsepho Tikumbura, decided to make his birthday really memorable so that the supernova can feel right at home. “Oscar is very special,” Tiny Tsepho remarked. “And I’m not just saying it because he’s disabled.”

At breakfast, Oscar was allowed to pour some extra sugar over his immaculately-starched runny porridge, and, as a special treat, convicted serial killer Baby Zakes Maltabela did not shove him off his leg pegs to expropriate his apple.

Baby Zakes makes no apologies for regularly beating up the world-beating paraplegic. “Why should I treat Oscar different because he walks on pathetic legs?” he wondered. “A man is a man, he is a man, even if he’s only half a man, and I want his apple.”

After the morning meal, the convicts moved out into the yard so those who have legs could stretch them, and to breathe in a bit of the fresh city smog. Oscar was invited to join a game of soccer. “He can play along,” mumbled petty criminal Mischief Mazakadza, “as long as he doesn’t try to kick the ball with one of his spiked hooves.”

During lunch, Oscar’s closest inmates presented him with a birthday cake. Baked with wheat flour, corn starch, a few eggs and too much sugar, and decorated with a paste made of blackened bananas, the special birthday boy’s cake even had a candle – a loose draw, lit and stuck into the middle.

The inmates enjoyed a lazy afternoon, just lounging around their cells as if there’s nothing to do. Oscar was treated to a relaxing massage by his cellmate Tiny Tsepho, who used a whole tin of Zam Buk on the athlete’s back to soothe the skin.

At first, Oscar was a little reluctant to accept the massage, but Tiny Tsepho made a very convincing argument. “You may be the fastest man on no legs,” he said, “but here in prison there is nowhere to run.”

Towards the end of the day the Pruno (a bile-flavoured wine cooler made by Baby Zakes from stale bread, tomato sauce and the apples he commandeered from Oscar every morning) started to flow liberally.

A few hours later, well lubricated and suitably dulled, the inmates finally returned to their cells, where Oscar was tucked in snugly by the ever tender Tiny Tsepho, just before lights out. “I’m so happy right now,” giggled Oscar. “If I had my gun I’d shoot it in the air.”

At this point, all journalists were ushered out of the prison ward, so what happened after that is anybody’s guess. BN


Barend Strijdom – Law Correspondent

Barend Strijdom – Law Correspondent

While serving time and trying to fight the system from the inside, Barend learnt a thing or two about the law. He follows the law closely, from a distance, and the law follows him. Do not tell anyone that he’s out.