Tag Archives: Angry Bird Hiawatha

America Gets Its First Orange President

Orange Donald Trump

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it must be Donald Trump.

WASHINGTON – America very democratically decided that orange is the new black. Donald Trump will be the 45th US President, and the first orange president to occupy the White House.

The result has been hailed as a victory for alien-like creatures across the country. “It goes to show, no matter who you are, how strange your hair, America has a place for you, for everyone. Except Muslims.  And Mexicans. And maybe black people should consider leaving…”

Following another first – America’s first Kenyan president – the race was on in a closely contested contest for more firsts: Hillary Clinton could have been the first former First Lady to become president.

Americans were reluctant to vote for Clinton, because there was concern over her title – should she be called “Presidentess” and “Leadster of the Free World”, they wondered.

Trump’s policy, however, was clear. “I would prefer to be called ‘Your Highness’,” he said. “’Your Lordship’ or ‘Master of the Universe’ will also do.”

The Clinton campaign acknowledged that they grossly underestimated the radiance of that orange skin. “It’s enigmatic,” cried Jamie Last, a campaign volunteer. “People are attracted to it, like a moth to a flame. You can’t compete with that.”

Melania Trump (neé Knaus) will also be the first First Lady to have posed nude for men’s magazines.

“I was unsure, both candidates seemed kind of meh,” claimed Earl Hicks from Nebraska “Then I saw those pictures and yowser! What a first lady! Trump got my vote.”

During the campaign, Trump repeatedly suggested that Clinton belonged in jail. Her supporters hit back that it doesn’t matter. “She wouldn’t be the first criminal in the white house,” they suggested.

According to sources in the FBI, Hillary sent Donald an email to congratulate him on his victory. BN

Angry Bird Hiawatha - Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird Hiawatha – Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird has been to the end of the earth. He has been to the end of the water. He has been to the end of the sky. He has been to the end of the mountains. He has found none that are not his friends.

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Ebola Virus Mutated – It’s Now More Dangerous

Protests have severely hampered Ebola's rapid spread.

Protests have severely hampered Ebola’s rapid spread.

CONAKRY – The dire situation in West Africa just got extremely worse. Medical personnel have reported several cases where victims have been infected with a new strain of the deadly Ebola virus.

“We believe that the Ebola virus has merged with syphilis in the body of a patient infected with both diseases, and as a result the effect it has on the brain is even more severe,” explained World Health Organisation (WHO) spokesman Boris Bleaker. “It quickly destroys human cognitive ability, causing victims to wither away much faster.”

This new strain of the virus remains in the body after death and can emulate brain function, causing Ebola victims to come back to life. However, regular brain function never gets entirely restored, making them more undead rather than alive.

Ebola can only spread when a person’s bodily fluids come in contact with the virus, either through a wound or saliva in the mouth. With this mutation the risk of infection has drastically increased, since these reanimations are driven by a strong urge to bite healthy people.

It is believed that when bitten by such a being, one can also contract the Ebola virus, which would then lead to inevitable death and subsequent reanimation. “I’ve seen a former patient just rise up and start gnawing on a nurse,” sobbed Médecins sans Frontières doctor André Augustine. “It was horrific. I had to bludgeon him with a bedpan.”

Despite the new developments, the WHO urged people to remain calm. “There’s no need to panic,” insisted Bleaker. “We have this new strain just as under control as the old strain.”

For ethical reasons, and because it’s unlikely for a medical treatment that would fully restore life to the half-living to be developed anytime soon, it has been determined that the undead should perhaps be returned to the status of deceased.

A reanimated creature, colloquially known as a zombie, in Conakry, Guinea. Zombies are said to be the result of a new strain of the Ebola virus.

A reanimated creature, colloquially known as a zombie, in Conakry, Guinea. Zombies are said to be the result of a new strain of the Ebola virus.

The only way to ensure that an Ebola victim stays dead is to destroy the brain. During the burial preparation process, the mortician should delicately cut open the head, remove the brain and incinerate it separately.

However, in extreme cases and when pressed for time, it is highly recommended that the skull simply be crushed with a cricket bat. Employ enough force to splatter the brain.

These reanimated corpses horde together and roam the streets in search of brains for personal consumption. If you happen to find yourself in the vicinity of the walking dead, do not attempt to confront it. Instead, seek out the help of the nearest military personnel. They are well trained to deal with this eventuality.

However, in extreme cases and when pressed into a corner, it is highly recommended that the skull simply be crushed with a cricket bat. Employ enough force to splatter the brain.

If you suspect that you might in fact have fallen victim to Ebola, do not panic. Calmly proceed to your nearest treatment facility, and try not to puke on anyone. If you manage to reach it, the relevant authorities will either nurse you back to health or dispose of your body in the proper manner – whichever comes first.

However, in extreme cases and when you realise that you might not make it, it is highly recommended that you simply crush your own skull with a cricket bat. Employ enough force to splatter the brain.

If no cricket bat is handy, a golf club, tyre iron or any kind of garden implement can also be used. BN

Angry Bird Hiawatha - Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird Hiawatha – Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird has been to the end of the earth. He has been to the end of the water. He has been to the end of the sky. He has been to the end of the mountains. He has found none that are not his friends.

Piet Byleveld to Investigate Missing Malaysian Aeroplane

Piet Byleveld

Here we can see a Piet Byleveld in his natural habitat.

KUALA LUMPUR – After several weeks of fruitless searching, Malaysian authorities finally called upon South African super sleuth Piet Byleveld to solve the mystery of the missing Malaysian airline flight MH3370.

The aeroplane mysteriously vanished into seemingly thin air over the Strait of Malacca near Vietnam on 8 March 2014. Foul play is suspected.

A collective of 25 countries involved in the search operation finally realised they do not have the capacity to solve such a marvellous eventuality by themselves, so it was decided to call in a real professional. “We’ve heard of this guy who can find anyone,” said Jun Kapoor of the Malaysia’s Department of Civil Aviation. “We thought we might as well give it a go.”

Byleveld, known for his forensic expertise, reportedly packed his bags for Kuala Lumpur immediately after getting the call. “This retirement thing is really working on my family’s nerves,” he said. “We can’t watch television anymore. Elize [his wife] is sick of me solving every detective mystery in the first ten minutes.”

The former brigadier in the South African Police Service is one of the most successful investigators ever, having tracked down and caught nine serial killers, as well as solving several other high profile murder cases in his long career. Specialising in complex cases, he retired with a 99% conviction rate. “If you can establish motive, you’ve solved 70% of the case,” he once told Huisgenoot in an interview.

After exhausting all conventional options, including scouring the ocean with maritime vehicles, global satellite tracking, contradicting advice from aviation experts and typing key words into Google, Malaysian authorities opted to explore alternative methods to find the missing aeroplane.

A group of theoretical physicists came up with a plausible hypothesis to show how the Malaysian plane could have slipped through cracks in the space-time continuum and entered another level of the multiverse. “The aeroplane exists exactly where it was last spotted, except that it’s in another dimension,” the boffins stated in their exhaustive, 800 page report. “However, it probably ran out of fuel by now.”

At present, the molecular boffins are still baffled by which one of the seven additional spatial dimensions posited by string theory the plane could possibly have been deposited to, although they are adamant that this brain teaser has become bigger than the Boeing. “If we can find the missing aeroplane, we should have a workable theory to explain the meaning life,” concluded one of the physicists enthusiastically.

American psychic John Edward was taken to the crash site in an attempt to make contact with the missing aeroplane’s 239 passengers and crew. Upon arrival, Edward reportedly sensed a very strong presence, apparently like “many souls hovering in the oblivion”.

He was, however, unable to establish the whereabouts of the airliner. “I spy with my third eye, something beginning with the letter M,” he uttered. “They told me to tell their families that they are comfortable where they are and sorry about the things they did wrong, and want them to move on.”

“The spirits can’t tell me where they are,” he continued, because they’re not sure where they are either. It would seem that the mystery extends well into the great beyond.”

A serious investigation by Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, from the FBI’s X-Files Unit, into the possibility of an extraterrestrial cause for the unexplained vanishing has not yet achieved any results. However, the pair is certain that there can only be a paranormal explanation for the puzzle. “We’re not alone,” said Mulder. “The truth is out there.”

Authorities in the Bahamas are still keeping an eye on David Copperfield’s private islands. “We aven’t seen no Boeing,” insisted a representative of the Caribbean island chain’s government. “Us don’t tink de mahgic mon’s got any ting te do wi dis bumbaclot [bullshit].”

On account of such a shortage of tangible results, all hope of ever finding the vanished aircraft now rests on Byleveld’s shoulders. The enigmatic investigator is set to leave for Kuala Lumpur on the next boat out of Durban. “I’m not taking any chances,” he remarked. “There are strong forces involved here, and we’ve already seen what it can do to an aeroplane.” BN

Angry Bird Hiawatha - Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird Hiawatha – Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird has been to the end of the earth. He has been to the end of the water. He has been to the end of the sky. He has been to the end of the mountains. He has found none that are not his friends.

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David Copperfield Denies Responsibility for Missing Malaysian Airline

David Copperfield has perfect 20/20 vision and can see you in Blu-ray.

David Copperfield has perfect 20/20 vision and can see you in Blu-ray.

KUALA LUMPUR – The Malaysian authorities have shifted the focus of their investigation into the disappearance of the Malaysian Airlines flight MH370 onto the notorious magician and performer David Copperfield, a spokesman announced at a press briefing in Kuala Lumpur.

The announcement came after all other possibilities and impossibilities have turned out to be dead ends, revealing nothing about the aeroplane’s current whereabouts.

“He has made an aeroplane vanish before,” explained Jun Kapoor of the country’s Department of Civil Aviation. “We have every reason to believe that he’s done it again.

As the grand finale of his fourth Magic television special in 1981, Copperfield made a 7 ton jet disappear off a runway, with a live audience as witnesses.

According to Kapoor, a team of top Malaysian engineers devised the most likely theory to explain exactly what happened. “Copperfield is a master at sleight of hand,” said Kapoor. “We believe he managed to distract flight controllers and slipped the aeroplane down his sleeve.”

After a performance in West Palm Beach, Florida in 2006, Copperfield and two female assistants were reportedly mugged at gunpoint. His assistants gave the robbers their money, passports, and a cell phone. According to his police statement, Copperfield did not hand over anything, apparently having used sleight of hand to hide his belongings.

The Malaysian official also claimed that Copperfield flew through the air, propelled by the sheer power of his will, to get into a perfect position to execute the stunt. “We know that he can fly,” Kapoor affirmed. “We have seen his ’92 Magic special, subtitled Flying – Live the Dream. If you remember, Copperfield lifted himself off the ground with his mental prowess and flew around above the stage.”

The Strait of Malacca, where Copperfield allegedly swooped onto the Malaysian aeroplane.

The Strait of Malacca, where Copperfield allegedly swooped onto the Malaysian aeroplane. (Source: BBC)

Aviation investigators are confident that the new lead will pan out. “Copperfield can disappear and reappear; he has walked through the Great Wall of China and levitated over the Grand Canyon,” remarked former RAF navigator Sean Maffett. “If anyone can make an aeroplane vanish mid-flight without a trace, it’s him.

The US search delegation concurred. “When all else fails, you must start considering the supernatural possibilities,” insisted US Navy Commander John Michaels. “Whenever you are faced with a question you have no answer for, you can always just claim that David Copperfield did it. Problem solved.”

The American magician, who famously made the Statue of Liberty disappear in front of a live audience, issued a statement to deny the allegation.

“Anyone can make something disappear,” he said. “The real magic is in making things reappear.”

“If I had anything to do with the missing passenger plane, it would have been found long ago,” he continued. “I would’ve made it reappear with lots of smoke, flashing lights and fanfare on one of my islands in the Bahamas. And I would’ve sold tickets.”

State officials of the Bahamas confirmed that, at present, there is no Boeing 777 to be found on any of the 11 islands owned by David Copperfield. BN

 

Angry Bird Hiawatha - Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird Hiawatha – Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird has been to the end of the earth. He has been to the end of the water. He has been to the end of the sky. He has been to the end of the mountains. He has found none that are not his friends.

 

 

Snowden’s Nobel Peace Prize Nomination a CIA Plot to Get Him out of Russia

American tittle-tattler Edward Snowden.

American tittle-tattler Edward Snowden in person.

OSLO – American turncoat-in-hiding Edward Snowden’s nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize turned out to be nothing more than a plot to get him out of Russia. Documents containing a detailed CIA plan to lure Snowden out of hiding was leaked by an unidentified whistleblower and appeared on the Wikileaks website earlier today.

The plot involves nominating him for a Nobel Peace Prize and convincing him to travel to Norway for an award ceremony at the Oslo City Hall. During his flight from Moscow to Oslo, the aeroplane will be hit by a surprise thunderstorm over Turku, Finland, causing it crash nose first into the Baltic Sea, killing Snowden instantly.

The World’s leading snitch has been hiding in Moscow ever since his passport was revoked by the United States Government and he just happened to be in the city. Since he couldn’t travel any further, he has been granted temporary asylum by the Russian Federation. “We want to use this opportunity to raise a diplomatic middle finger to the United States of America,” President Vladimir Putin reportedly said in Russian at the time. [Translation may be a little off. Our fact checker’s Russian is a little rusty – Ed]

The move sparked some outrage in Washington, causing the near-fatal heart-attack of at least one congressman. “I will nuke those commie bastards a soon as I have a big enough drone ready,” American President Barack Obama replied.

Although tempers cooled a bit, The US still fears that executing Snowden in Russia could severely damage the fragile relations between the two countries, and plans to have him “disappeared” in transit instead.

Critics lamented the use of the Norwegian Nobel Committee to advance international political motives. “We now have a former Nobel Peace Prize laureate hunting a potential Nobel Peace Prize laureate because the potential Nobel Peace Prize laureate exposed the highly immoral surveillance of America’ citizens and allies by the former Nobel Peace Prize laureate, who in turn was awarded the prize for his “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples”,” remarked Tim Soppelstein from the organisation Nobel Prize Watch.

Only last year, the Nobel Committee gave the peace prize to Organisation for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons for its “extensive efforts to eliminate chemical weapons”, which is, you know, their job, in an effort to scare Bashar al-Assa of Syria into thinking the world is onto him.

Rumours that the documents containing the CIA plot were leaked by Edward Snowden are at present still unconfirmed. BN

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Angry Bird Hiawatha - Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird Hiawatha – Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird has been to the end of the earth. He has been to the end of the water. He has been to the end of the sky. He has been to the end of the mountains. He has found none that are not his friends.

Germany Considers Ban on Skiing

skiing_accident

A German skier in action in Garmisch, Bavarian Alps

BERLIN – The European nation of Germany is considering new laws that will bring an end to skiing after evidence emerged that Germans can’t ski.

The new bill will bar all Germans with wanderlust from waltzing up a mountain while it’s covered with snow. “We must make to ski illegal in Deutschland,” declared Mitglied des Bundestages Wolfgang Berg. “It’s a matter of survival. The total annihilation of the German race is at stake.”

Germany has been hit by a blitzkrieg of unfortunate skiing incidents.

First it was former Formula 1 Racing Champion Michael Schumacher, who survived after deliberately crashing into Damon Hill just to end up in a coma after undeliberately crashing into a demonic hill.

This was followed by Chancellor Angela Merkel who survived a European market crash just to crash on the side of a European mountain. “We must make an end to the madness,” barked MdB Berg. “Before our proud nation is kaput.”

Most Germans support the proposed bill. “It’s wunderbar,” cheered Sebastian Biermann before gulping down a glass of schnapps. “People shouldn’t waste their time with such nonsense. They should be working. Arbeit macht frei.”

However, not all Germans are so compliant. “If they try to stop me from skiing I’ll choke them with my wife’s sauerkraut,” threatened Maximilian Eberhardt. “If the lack of oxygen doesn’t kill them, her cooking will.”

Despite a few voices of dissent, MdB Berg remains determined that the Nationalen Ski-Verbot is the only way to march forward. “A total halt is the final solution to the skiing problem.” BN

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Angry Bird Hiawatha - Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird Hiawatha – Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird has been to the end of the earth. He has been to the end of the water. He has been to the end of the sky. He has been to the end of the mountains. He has found none that are not his friends.

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America Celebrates Erection of Steel Cross in New York

World Trade Center 9/11 CrossNEW YORK – Americans all over the world celebrated the twelfth anniversary of the erection of a steel cross in Manhattan, New York on Wednesday, September 11. Various ceremonies featuring President Barack Obama and the families of those involved in the construction process took place all over the country.

The 9/11 Cross is a magnificent steel structure erected by Saudi Arabian engineers using a revolutionary sculpting technique known as terrorism. The artwork was carved out of two very tall buildings during a delicate process in which two commercial aeroplanes were taken off course and forced into the buildings at high speed, which lead to a collapse of the outer shell and left behind a perfectly formed cross.

It’s a very dangerous procedure and many Americans – as well as all the Saudi engineers – sacrificed their lives to have the monument built.

The 9/11 Cross dragged the sculpting world kicking and screaming into the 21st century, and is a true testament to human ingenuity and creativity. BN

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Angry Bird Hiawatha - Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird Hiawatha – Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird has been to the end of the earth. He has been to the end of the water. He has been to the end of the sky. He has been to the end of the mountains. He has found none that are not his friends.

.

Snowden Releases Confidential Information on His Whereabouts

snowden-1

HONG KONG – American tittle-tattler and turncoat-in-hiding Edward Snowden released confidential information on his own whereabouts to the espionage and secret information website WikiLeaks.

In a video posted by Snowden on the WikiLeaks web page, the 29 year old American-on-the-run claimed that his whereabouts is critical information, and that the public has a right to know this information. “I am an individual charged with the serious offence of snitching on the American government,” confirmed Snowden. “That makes me a person of national interest. It is my duty as a citizen of the United States, as well as a member of the human race to make my whereabouts known to the general populace.”

Snowden’s meteoric rise to infamy came as a result of the magnificent treachery perpetrated on his former employer, the government of the United States of America. The celebrated villain released sensitive information about America’s extensive program to spy on its own citizens.

The renowned American mole pensively explained the inspiration for blowing his own whistle. “As tattletales, we are not merely resisting governments the world over, we are fighting broad-spectrum injustice,” he concluded. “By concealing the vicinity of my hideout I am impeding proper justice. I am, in fact, not acting in the best interest of the public.”

English: Julian Assange, photo ("sunny co...

Julian Assange

During an interview with The Guardian’s Glen Greenwald, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange explicated the importance of Snowden’s self-perfidiousness. “The purpose of WikiLeaks is to communicate sensitive information that’s in the public interest, information that some might wish to remain hidden,” said the Australian conspirator. “Knowledge about the location where Snowden is hiding certainly fits the bill. He may want his whereabouts to remain secret, but the world needs to know where he is. We should applaud Snowden’s effort to make such delicate information about himself available.”

The American snitch revealed that his physical position is set to change, but he confirmed that he will keep the planet posted on any future changes in location. “I won’t let you know where I’m going before I go, but I will let you know where I went after I’d gone,” declared Snowden. “My plans are not the issue here. My actions are, and I will release sensitive information on everything I do after I did it, because people need to know what I’ve done.”

At present the information on Edward Snowden’s whereabouts is still unverified. More details will be made available as soon as the legitimacy of his allegations can be confirmed. BN

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Angry Bird Hiawatha - Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird Hiawatha – Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird has been to the end of the earth. He has been to the end of the water. He has been to the end of the sky. He has been to the end of the mountains. He has found none that are not his friends.

.

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The Onion News’ April Fool’s Prank Causes Havoc

The Onion News admitted that its article entitled “South Carolina Defends Right To Fly Hardee’s Flag From State Capitol” was an April Fool’s prank. In a statement release through the newspaper’s website, it announced that the article printed on Monday was indeed a fabrication, and none of the facts were true.  Included was an official apology issued by the editor, T. Herman Zweibel, son of the founder, Friedrich Siegfried Zweibel.

The Hardee's flag, center of so much controversy.
The Hardee’s flag, center of so much controversy.

The article caused quite a stir as the newspaper’s millions of readers circulated it over the internet. Outraged at the news, some of them  immediately contacted family members.

“It looked really plausible,” said Katie Feldtman from Davenport, Iowa. “They sure fooled me.” Katie is now trying to make amends with her cousin, Sarah Compton, after a verbal spat led to a complete communication breakdown. “I keep calling, but she won’t answer. I don’t blame her. If I was her, I wouldn’t answer either.”

Thousands of South Carolina residents experienced verbal abuse from friends and family throughout the day. “It was horrible. I didn’t know what was going on at first,” cried Martha Saunderson from Spartanburg. “I explained over and over that I knew nothing about a flag, but he just kept screaming at me.” She hasn’t received an apology from her uncle, Mike Saunderson, yet. “I’m waiting right next to the phone. I’ll stay waiting right next to the phone.”

The article by The Onion News stated that residents of South Carolina refuse to remove the Hardee’s flag from the top of the capitol building. Apparently many South Carolinians claimed that it “signifies an important part of their cultural legacy,” some even describing it as “not just a flag, but a way of life.”

Milli Andrews enjoying her freshly fried heaven on Folly Beach near Charleston.
Milli Andrews enjoying her freshly fried heaven on Folly Beach near Charleston.

People across America agreed with the apparent criticism of the flag. “It’s a national disgrace and has no place on government property,” the article asserted. “It gives a bad name to all Americans, and it’s time for us to say once and for all that our nation disavows all the awful and truly disgusting things that the flag stands for,” a fictional professor apparently expounded. Not realizing that it’s a spoof, people ran to the phone to call up and insult friends and family.

“I called her a bitch and a disgrace to the family,” said David Milner from Peoria, Arizona. “I can’t believe I did that. I never do things like that.”

“Curse words don’t come out of my mouth,” exclaimed Suzan Waller from Morristown, Tennessee. “I was very passive-aggressive. I kind of urged my daughter towards tears.”  She’s not sure if the bridge could ever be mended. “I think that was one flame too many. It’s ashes for sure.” Many families feel the same way. Across America there’s a lot of anger at being duped, and much frustration about the damage to family ties and friendships.
Experts in the journalistic field agrees that frivolity has no place in journalism. “It is careless of a news source the size of The Onion to pass fiction off as truth,” said Professor William Vanderburg, head of the journalism department at the University of South Carolina. “The press has an obligation to be fair and objective. I would advise against telling lies.”

At the time of writing, The Onion has yet to responded about any future plans to help the nation recover from the injury their April Fool’s day prank has caused. Added Vanderburg, “We can only hope that once everything calms down, a spirit of forgiveness will prevail.”

 

Originally published by God Shmod