Tag Archives: Dumisani Phisane

University Fees Raised to Pay for Damages

#FeesMustFallPIETERMARITZBURG – Universities across South Africa have announced a sharp increase in student fees for 2017. This is to mitigate the rising cost in university maintenance.

The resent #FeesMustFall campaign resulted in a desperate need for infrastructure redevelopment. Students protesting for free education caused so much devastation that fees must be raised to pay for repairs.

During a press conference in Pietermaritzburg, Minister of Higher Education, Blade Nzimande, explained the government’s reasons for raising university fees. “We need money to rebuild libraries, auditoriums and computer labs,” he said. “Without it, there will be no education.”

“The #FeesMustFall campaign is causing a rise in university fees,” Nzimande added. “Maybe students need to study economics before they protest.”

Protesters blame the university for the damage to the university, and claimed that high price of tertiary education caused the destruction. “They made us start the fires,” hissed protester Shisa Isakhiwo. “It’s not our fault that we are burning down buildings.”

Student leaders reiterated that their protest will intensify, and that a lot more destruction can be expected.

“You can’t expect us to pay money for a university that looks like this,” screamed Nuisance Ngidi, another protester. “If we have to pay so much for education, we want proper classrooms, not these burnt, skorokoro classrooms. Fees must fall.”

“Why must we pay so much for university when it has no books, no computers and no roof?” added Shisa. “Fees must fall!”

In spite of threats made by students, higher education authorities remain resolute in their #FeesMustRise campaign.

“We will not budge,” lamented Nzimande. “The price of protest is high. If students want to protest, they must pay for it.” BN

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Despite being previously disadvantaged, Dumisani managed to achieve the 30% mark required to pass matric. It was enough to enable him to secure his dream job: Being a journalist. Dumisani lives on his couch with his two plants.

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Consumers Shocked that Petrol Increase Was No April Fool’s Joke

petrol-price-increaseSOUTH AFRICA – Millions of consumers all over South Africa were shocked on the morning of April 1 when they awakened to a much higher petrol price.

Petrol increased by as much as R1,62 inland and R1,60 at the coast.

Even though the price hike was announced a week earlier, many road users were not prepared for the increase and did not fill up on cheaper petrol the day before, as is the usual custom.

“I really thought it was an April Fuel’s joke,” cried Naas Bonsema, an exhaust-pipe fitter from Standerton.

Some car owners claimed that the high value of the increase and the exact date of the proposed increase were just too much of a coincidence to be plausible.

“They said the petrol price was going to rise,” said Sipho Komedi, a taxi driver from Maboneng, “but I thought hauwa, that can’t be right! R1,62? Aikôna!”

“I heard them say the petrol was going up,” remembers Siswe Maltabela, “then I heard it was going to happen on the first of April, and I laughed, hehehehe, this Zuma, he’s a funny guy, getting us mad about the petrol…”

Road users are still struggling to come to terms with the reality of the sharp petrol price hike.

“I wanted to laugh at all my friends who spent half their salaries filling up their bakkies,” moaned Kwik Shop manager Gerrie Kotze. “I was gonna laugh at their empty bank accounts, now they’re all laughing at my empty tank.”

“Ja,” sighed Bakkies Blignaut, “I guess the joke really is on us.”

South Africans from all over expressed a general feeling that they’ve certainly learnt a valuable lesson. “Politicians may be known for lying,” exclaimed Durbanite John Hancock, “but if a government official announces something bad, you better believe it is true.”

Perhaps the biggest April Fool’s joke was no joke at all. BN

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Despite being previously disadvantaged, Dumisani managed to achieve the 30% mark required to pass matric. It was enough to enable him to secure his dream job: Being a journalist. Dumisani lives on his couch with his two plants.

Rats of Alexandra Township Vow to Fight Back

Rebel rats roaming the streets of Alexandra.

Rebel rats roaming the streets of Alexandra.

ALEXANDRA – Mucky streams of putrid water run along the dirty pathways, and mounds of waste decay next to shacks built nearly on top of each other. Alexandra is a veritable rat utopia, but the humans want them to go. “Alex is like the Sandton for rats,” claims Peter Manganye, the man charged with getting rid of the rats. “It’s a perfect world for them to live in – a beautiful hideout. They don’t lack food, water or shelter. However, this place has been designated a ‘humans only’ area.”

The City of Johannesburg has allocated R2,5 million to remove the plague of rats from the inner-city township. “The rats are contravening the Group Areas Act, which prohibits rodents from living in or near a township,” said Joburg Mayor Parks Tau. “The rats have to go.”

Thousands of rats took to the dirt roads of Alex armed with knobkieries and pangas to protest the forced removal. “This is my hole. I was born here, I will die here,” squeaked one of the enraged rats. “Aluta Continua!”

Pest Control moved in to disperse the vermin, for they were contravening the Riotous Assemblies act. “Rats are not allowed to convene in numbers of three or more,” explained Manganye. “These machines pump toxic gas that will disperse them.”

Owls were deployed to patrol the dusty streets and pounce on any rat that’s out after curfew. Several rats were taken into custody for sneaking around the shacks without a pass.

On Wednesday, four owls out on patrol were decapitated by an angry mob a rebellious rodents. This rat-taliation led to threats of an all out war by members of Pest Control.

Mayor Tau called for a Total Onslaught to combat the Grys Gevaar. “We have run out of patience with this pestilence,” he said. “We are now in a noodtoestand (state of emergency).”

Yet, the rats remain defiant. “We will not go,” insisted an anonymous rat. “We are mammals, we have rights.”

It would seem that there is no end in sight for the War on Rattus. “In this fight, every dead rat is a victory,” maintains Manganye. “Still, we may have won the battle, but we haven’t won the war.” BN

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Despite being previously disadvantaged, Dumisani managed to achieve the 30% mark required to pass matric. It was enough to enable him to secure his dream job: Being a journalist. Dumisani lives on his couch with his two plants.

Rubber Bullets Fired as Pupils Invade School in Limpopo

First Grader Tsepo Mopani tries to stop the police from dispersing the crowd.

First Grader Tsepo Mopani tries to stop the police from dispersing the crowd.

POLOKWANE – Pupils of the Boredi Primary School in Polokwane stormed the teachers’ lounge and principal’s office and demanded to be allowed to attend school without wearing the proper school uniform. Riot police were called in to get the students back in line.

Students arrived in the morning to start another school day wearing regular clothing and not the official red jerseys. They were refused entry to the school, prompting them to barge through the school gate and invade the office building. Terrified teachers narrowly escaped as the children screamed into the teachers’ lounge where they were busy having a staff meeting to discuss the school budget.

A few kids took crayons from the grade 2 classroom and started writing slogans on the school hall walls, like “Say no to garbs,” “Out with these outfits” and “We will wear what we want when we want.”

Some of the boys blocked the entrance to the schoolyard with burning tyres while chanting “We are tired of this attire! It must be retired!”

Several of the children were reportedly charged up on a sugar high from stuffing themselves on Mrs Sikelikeke’s birthday cake, and started throwing each other with rooibos tea. “This has not been my happiest birthday,” sobbed the usually stern teacher.

Law enforcement arrived on the scene and attempted to forcefully remove the children from the building. The learners started shooting spit balls at the police using pee shooters, after which the police retaliated with rubber bullets.

Finally, the police threw teargas into the building, and many of the children came running out crying for their mommies.

The students maintain that they are being discriminated against on the basis of their school colours. “School is not about the clothes you wear. It is about learning,” insisted Ifedile Mokgotsi, ringleader of the mob.

“We can learn as much while wearing denim jackets as we can while wearing woollen jerseys,” remarked Beauty Skhothane, captain of the netball team. “You can learn a book wearing any cover.”

“Nowhere in the constitution does it say we have the right to an education, but only if we wear the right garments,” stated Pita Paka, a high scoring science student.

“School is about learning so we can form ideologies. It’s not a military parade,” shouted Klagobetsa Wemba, the school bully.

Grade 5 pupil Wabona Malatsi is adamant that they are helping to solve the country’s problems. “This is job creation, he said. “They should hire my unemployed uncle to come and paint over our crayon drawings.”

Lerato Lekai, a grade 6 learner, said that she doesn’t really mind the red jerseys, but felt compelled to join the protest anyway. “This is what happens when people wear the same uniform,” she sighed. “Birds of a feather flock together.”

Principal Tula Morena was appalled by his students’ actions. “This is what we call a serious wardrobe malfunction,” he scowled. “Rules are rules. If you don’t like it, we can discuss it, but you can’t throw your toys out of your cot every time you don’t get your way.”

Julius Malema, leader of the Economic Freedom Fighters, applauded the children’s protest. “They must join the EFF,” he said. “We’ll put them all in parliament. We need more children in there.” BN

 

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Despite being previously disadvantaged, Dumisani managed to achieve the 30% mark required to pass matric. It was enough to enable him to secure his dream job: Being a journalist. Dumisani lives on his couch with his two plants.

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EFF March to Gauteng Legislature Ends in Chaos (City Press)

Nigerians Threaten to Leave South Africa

Which way to Nigeria?HILLBROW – Nigerian citizens living in South Africa have threatened to leave the country unless their demand to participate in future elections is met.

Earlier this week, Nigerians demanded to be allocated ward council and parliamentary positions, because South African companies make a lot of money in Nigeria, contributing significantly to the South African economy.

Clayson Monyela, a spokesperson for the Department of International Relations and Cooperation, said such demands by Nigerians were “ridiculous” and “unacceptable.”

Representatives of Nigeria are outraged at Monyela’s remarks. “The people of Naija will not stand for this,” said Abayomi Adeboyejo, a slumlord in Little Lagos (Hillbrow), Johannesburg. It’s becoming obvious to us that we’re not welcome here. If the situation doesn’t improve, we might as well pack up and leave.”

Economists speculated that if Nigerians were to leave South Africa, it could have a devastating effect on the economy. “First of all, the drug trade will suffer immensely,” surmised Jonathon Bayer of KPMG. “Without the Nigerians and their well developed smuggling networks, we could end up with a severe shortage of hard narcotics on our city streets.”

The shortfall could cause a steep rise in the street value of contraband, which could disrupt the lives of many. “When demand significantly outweighs supply, prices could climb considerably,” supposed Bayer. “This could put smack outside the reach of most casual abusers, forcing many of them to resort to an agonising life of sobriety.”

Furthermore, economists believe that a Nigerian exodus could have dire consequences for the sex industry. “Nigerian pimping ability is by far superior,” explained Bayer. “Their skills are invaluable. Without them, who would keep dem hoes in check proper?”

Thousands of women depend on prostitution to make a living, and to afford the drugs they desperately need to make their miserable lives bearable. “I don’t know what I’d do without the Nigerians,” sobbed Sara*, a drug addicted prostitute from inner city Joburg. “They give me a job so I can afford to buy tik, and they supply me with enough tik so I can cope with doing my horrible job.”

In spite of all the pressure, Monyela and his department remains firm. “If you want to vote in a South African election, enter the country legally and apply for citizenship,” he said. “Until then, we’ll find our own way to smuggle drugs.” BN

*Not her real name

 

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Despite being previously disadvantaged, Dumisani managed to achieve the 30% mark required to pass matric. It was enough to enable him to secure his dream job: Being a journalist. Dumisani lives on his couch with his two plants.

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Swart Gevaar Still Terrifies South Africa

P.W. Botha, us the light.

P.W. Botha, showing us the light. “It’s up there.”

JOHANNESBURG – P.W. Botha cautioned the country about the Swart Gevaar (Black Danger) in the 80s. Since then the nation lived in fear, terrified of this imminent threat.

The former Apartheid president often shook his index finger at the sky and shouted out about the doom and gloom of the looming Swart Gevaar in his thunderous speeches. Finally the Groot Krokodil called for a nationwide state of emergency and put the military as well as security personnel on high alert.

Now, 20 years after the end of Apartheid and 25 years after Botha stepped down due to failing health, South Africans still believe they live in peril. Many respond with an anxious stare and a slight, cowering step backwards at the mere mention of the Swart Gevaar.

“Every night I sit, petrified, thinking that tonight will be the night that it’s going to happen,” shivers Magda du Plooy, a mother of four from Westdene, a suburb of western Johannesburg. “I feed my kids early and send them off to bed. At least, if they’re asleep, the horror won’t scar them too much.”

In suburbs of every major city, people are preparing themselves for what they believe is the inevitable. Many have stocked up on canned food, instant oats and packets of Marie biscuits, as well as gas bottles, candles, or petrol for the generator.

“When it happens, I want to be ready,” says Deon Hanekom, a sales consultant from Rooihuiskraal, Centurion. “I can see it coming. We all know it’s going to happen. It’s just a question of when.”

Despite the nation’s fear, the current administration maintains that the situation is manageable, and that there is no cause for alarm.

Makate Rapulana, spokesman for South Africa’s power and utilities company Eskom, insisted that there is no reason for panic. “While we are unable to control the rolling blackouts, we have no reason to suspect that a nationwide power meltdown is imminent,” Rapulana stated. If we can keep the demand for electricity under control, the situation will remain benign.”

Eskom also claimed that it has a plan to move forward and eradicate the Swart Gevaar entirely. “We are building more power plants, some coal, some nuclear” remarked Rapulana. “Unfortunately that takes time, and it’s going to get much worse before it will get better.”

Not only will it create jobs,” he continued optimistically. “But it will also provide more power to the people. Amandla!”

The government increased the electricity reach from 32% to 85% over the last 20 years. Even though the Swart Gevaar has been severely reduced, the menace is now threatening to launch a full-scale retaliation. “It’s the last kicks of a dying horse,” scowled Rapulana. “Once we’ve finished the construction of the new power plants, the Swart Gevaar will be over indefinitely, for a long, long time. “

In spite of all the government’s efforts to ease the tension, its citizens remain on edge. “They say I mustn’t worry,” moans Rebo Morare, a factory supervisor from Mabopane. “But when I get home, hit the switch and there’s no ‘lectric, I worry. I worry there and then. How can I not worry? In dark times what you do is worry.” BN

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Despite being previously disadvantaged, Dumisani managed to achieve the 30% mark required to pass matric. It was enough to enable him to secure his dream job: Being a journalist. Dumisani lives on his couch with his two plants.

Free Jet Fuel for Kempton Park Residents after Aeroplane Crisis

Cathay Pacific Airways aeroplaneEKURHULENI – Residents of Kempton Park, east of Johannesburg, collected several litres of jet fuel after a Boeing passenger plane was forced to dump its reserves to avoid a disaster. The Cathay Pacific aeroplane – carrying about 200 passengers – lost one of its engines after colliding with a flock of birds, soon after departing for Hong Kong.

People on the East Rand could see the smoke coming from the Boeing 747-467 and realised that something was wrong. Gerrit Blaauw and Willie Swart witnessed the drama unfold.

“We were out in the backyard tuning my Corolla when I heard a stuttering engine above me,” explained Gerrit enthusiastically. “It sounded like a moerse cam belt was about to pop. I looked up and just checked all this smoke puffing out from the left wing. Looked like my Corolla when I blew a gasket chasing down Atlas Road last month.”

“Or like Vuil Piet’s house on a Friday,” Willie chipped in. “Sounded like his house too.”

“My wife’s instinct kicked in and she ran into the house,” Gerrit continued. “I immediately knew what she skeemed, so my instinct kicked in as well and I told her to leave the damn camera and bring buckets.”

Since an aircraft can suffer severe damage if it tries to land with a heavy fuel load, it has to dump its fuel for safety reasons whenever it needs to make an emergency landing soon after takeoff.

Gerrit has seen this kind of thing before, and knew what had to be done. “We quickly lined up rows of buckets in the veld between our house and Nick’s 24 Hour Scrapyard and waited for the manna to flow from heaven.”

Shortly before long the whole street was there with cans and buckets and we covered the whole veld,” screamed Gerrit’s wife through the kitchen window. “One even pulled in dragging an old bathtub.”

The pair seemed rather chuffed with the way the day’s events unfolded. “I don’t know much about renewable energy, but all those containers out in the sun felt like we built our own little sonar plant,” laughed Gerrit.

“Well, all that energy splashing down certainly renewed my car’s drivability,” Willie chipped in again. “And we stopped the jet fuel from contaminating the ground, so we are saving the planet by using it.”

The Cathay Pacific Aeroplane dumping fuel over the East Rand to prepare for its emergency landing.

The Cathay Pacific Aeroplane dumping fuel over the East Rand to prepare for its emergency landing.

Metro Police in the area has been put on high alert following the emergency landing. “Whenever these people get their hands on jet fuel we see a sharp rise in speeding violations,” said police spokesmen Patrick Mpofu. “Even though nobody died in a plane crash, we expect a few deaths from car crashes over the next few weeks.”

Gerrit wasted no time in affirming all suspicions. “As soon as I’ve cleaned the spark plugs I’m taking my baby out for a jet-powered test run,” he insisted. “I’ll be screeching a few tyres tonight.”

After dumping its fuel, the aeroplane landed safely at the O.R. Thambo International Airport. The passengers who could not immediately be placed on new flights were taken to a hotel.

“The captain was very professional and did a fantastic job,” said Hans Stenger, a businessman who was travelling to Seoul, South Korea. “However, I’m very unhappy with the airport. I had to wait 35 minutes on the plane for a bus to pick me up. What kind of airport doesn’t have buses waiting in case one of their aeroplanes hit a flock of birds immediately after takeoff?”

Aviation experts are still uncertain if the aeroplane hit the birds, or if the birds, in fact, hit the aeroplane. Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, famous for landing an aeroplane in the Hudson river off Manhattan, New York after bumping into a flock of Canada geese, pondered the situation. “Well, uhm… Birds happen,” he said.

Preliminary investigations found no evidence that the flock of birds were coaxed into the sky by drag racers in an elaborate plot to score free jet fuel. BN

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Despite being previously disadvantaged, Dumisani managed to achieve the 30% mark required to pass matric. It was enough to enable him to secure his dream job: Being a journalist. Dumisani lives on his couch with his two plants.

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