Here we can see a Piet Byleveld in his natural habitat.
KUALA LUMPUR – After several weeks of fruitless searching, Malaysian authorities finally called upon South African super sleuth Piet Byleveld to solve the mystery of the missing Malaysian airline flight MH3370.
The aeroplane mysteriously vanished into seemingly thin air over the Strait of Malacca near Vietnam on 8 March 2014. Foul play is suspected.
A collective of 25 countries involved in the search operation finally realised they do not have the capacity to solve such a marvellous eventuality by themselves, so it was decided to call in a real professional. “We’ve heard of this guy who can find anyone,” said Jun Kapoor of the Malaysia’s Department of Civil Aviation. “We thought we might as well give it a go.”
Byleveld, known for his forensic expertise, reportedly packed his bags for Kuala Lumpur immediately after getting the call. “This retirement thing is really working on my family’s nerves,” he said. “We can’t watch television anymore. Elize [his wife] is sick of me solving every detective mystery in the first ten minutes.”
The former brigadier in the South African Police Service is one of the most successful investigators ever, having tracked down and caught nine serial killers, as well as solving several other high profile murder cases in his long career. Specialising in complex cases, he retired with a 99% conviction rate. “If you can establish motive, you’ve solved 70% of the case,” he once told Huisgenoot in an interview.
After exhausting all conventional options, including scouring the ocean with maritime vehicles, global satellite tracking, contradicting advice from aviation experts and typing key words into Google, Malaysian authorities opted to explore alternative methods to find the missing aeroplane.
A group of theoretical physicists came up with a plausible hypothesis to show how the Malaysian plane could have slipped through cracks in the space-time continuum and entered another level of the multiverse. “The aeroplane exists exactly where it was last spotted, except that it’s in another dimension,” the boffins stated in their exhaustive, 800 page report. “However, it probably ran out of fuel by now.”
At present, the molecular boffins are still baffled by which one of the seven additional spatial dimensions posited by string theory the plane could possibly have been deposited to, although they are adamant that this brain teaser has become bigger than the Boeing. “If we can find the missing aeroplane, we should have a workable theory to explain the meaning life,” concluded one of the physicists enthusiastically.
American psychic John Edward was taken to the crash site in an attempt to make contact with the missing aeroplane’s 239 passengers and crew. Upon arrival, Edward reportedly sensed a very strong presence, apparently like “many souls hovering in the oblivion”.
He was, however, unable to establish the whereabouts of the airliner. “I spy with my third eye, something beginning with the letter M,” he uttered. “They told me to tell their families that they are comfortable where they are and sorry about the things they did wrong, and want them to move on.”
“The spirits can’t tell me where they are,” he continued, because they’re not sure where they are either. It would seem that the mystery extends well into the great beyond.”
A serious investigation by Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, from the FBI’s X-Files Unit, into the possibility of an extraterrestrial cause for the unexplained vanishing has not yet achieved any results. However, the pair is certain that there can only be a paranormal explanation for the puzzle. “We’re not alone,” said Mulder. “The truth is out there.”
Authorities in the Bahamas are still keeping an eye on David Copperfield’s private islands. “We aven’t seen no Boeing,” insisted a representative of the Caribbean island chain’s government. “Us don’t tink de mahgic mon’s got any ting te do wi dis bumbaclot [bullshit].”
On account of such a shortage of tangible results, all hope of ever finding the vanished aircraft now rests on Byleveld’s shoulders. The enigmatic investigator is set to leave for Kuala Lumpur on the next boat out of Durban. “I’m not taking any chances,” he remarked. “There are strong forces involved here, and we’ve already seen what it can do to an aeroplane.” BN
Angry Bird Hiawatha – Foreign Correspondent
Angry Bird has been to the end of the earth. He has been to the end of the water. He has been to the end of the sky. He has been to the end of the mountains. He has found none that are not his friends.