Tag Archives: Apartheid

South Africa Celebrates the Death of Verwoerd

Hendrik VerwoerdJOHANNESBURG – Thousands of people across South Africa are celebrating the death of Hendrik Verwoerd, who died 50 years ago. Verwoerd, also known as the Architect of Apartheid, was murdered by the assassin Dimitri Tsafendas on September 6, 1966.

Older South Africans remember the former president fondly.

“I still have wonderful memories of the police dragging us out of our house to save us from the bulldozers that came to demolish the house to make way for a nice, all-white neighbourhood,” smiles Shiya Ikhaya of Meadowlands. “If Verwoerd didn’t send the police before he sent the bulldozers, I’d be dead.”

“I was so happy when I got my dompas,” laughed Gift Opayo of Boipatong. “I even had a special permit to walk into the white neighbourhood and I was allowed to work there. It’s a pity I had to burn it.”

“Verwoerd never allowed us to take the bus,” sighed Famba Gudwini.  “I had to walk a lot. It was good for my health. That’s why I’m so old now.

“I was grateful for my Bantu Education,” remembered Thokozane Didizane of Soshanguve. “It provided me with just enough skills to be a good servant for the whites. I never had to suffer and become a dentist.”

“My father wanted to be a farmer,” Precious Kancane of Hammanskraal. “Thankfully, Verwoerd made sure he couldn’t own land, so he had to move to the township for work. I loved our little corrugated shack, the muddy street and the pit toilet. I still live here, even after all these years.”

“Verwoerd laid the foundation for the creation of the most unequal society in the world,” opined Cinga Khosa of Thembisa. “Because of Verwoerd, we are number one.”

Celebrations should continue late into the night. BN

Miriam Mokoena

Miriam Mokoena – Cultural Affairs

Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.

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ANC Youth League Blames Apartheid for Chair Violence

Specially branded ANCYL chairs, can also be brandished as a weapon.

Specially branded ANCYL chairs, can also be brandished as a weapon.

Port Elizabeth – The Eastern Cape ANC Youth League Conference ended in chaos as disagreeing delegates started bashing each other with chairs. Then the lights went out, and more violence ensued.

“Ayanda [Matiti – former chairman] told people to look under their chairs, like he was Oprah or something,” explained Mzonke Ndabeni, a bloody delegate. “They found nothing. Next thing you know, all hell broke loose.”

“It was like we were playing musical chairs,” he added. “When the lights went out, everybody stormed for a chair.”

Conference organiser, Ncedo Kumbaca, blamed the misconduct on Apartheid, the political system used by the minority of whites to brutally oppress the country’s black inhabitants.

“It’s the former colonial masters that brought us chairs. Even today still we are suffering from the consequences,” said Kumbaca, a possible candidate for EC Chairman.

“Verwoerd taught us to use chairs,” he continued. “What we saw today was a direct result of that.”

“This kind of thing just doesn’t happen if you sit on the ground. You can’t hit each other with sand.”

Alfred Nzo, another bloody delegate, firmly agrees that mysterious third party forces are to blame. “Capitalists sold us those chairs,” he claimed. “That’s why we need Socialism now more than ever.”

As the chairs were manufactured in China, some delegates began to question the wisdom of South Africa’s close relationship with the major Asian nation. “It’s obvious that China is trying to become our Neo-Imperialist masters,” cried league member Dikgang Stock. “The mighty dragon wants to eat us and our resources, and it’s starting by breaking our heads open with chairs.”

The ANCYL national coordinator, Magasela Mzobe, lamented that the event was doomed to fail right from the start. “You can’t select a chairman when there are so many chairs around,” he said.

Mzobe is adamant that the delegates themselves could not be blamed for anything that happened. “What? No, how can you blame the league for what transpired? You must be mad!” BN

Boston Masilela – Political Analyst

Boston Masilela – Political Analyst

Boston Masilela used to be a freedom fighter. When the battle against freedom was lost he switched his ak-47 for a yellow Bic pen and took up journalism instead. He prefers rooibos tea, enjoys a party and all his friends are politicians.

Rats of Alexandra Township Vow to Fight Back

Rebel rats roaming the streets of Alexandra.

Rebel rats roaming the streets of Alexandra.

ALEXANDRA – Mucky streams of putrid water run along the dirty pathways, and mounds of waste decay next to shacks built nearly on top of each other. Alexandra is a veritable rat utopia, but the humans want them to go. “Alex is like the Sandton for rats,” claims Peter Manganye, the man charged with getting rid of the rats. “It’s a perfect world for them to live in – a beautiful hideout. They don’t lack food, water or shelter. However, this place has been designated a ‘humans only’ area.”

The City of Johannesburg has allocated R2,5 million to remove the plague of rats from the inner-city township. “The rats are contravening the Group Areas Act, which prohibits rodents from living in or near a township,” said Joburg Mayor Parks Tau. “The rats have to go.”

Thousands of rats took to the dirt roads of Alex armed with knobkieries and pangas to protest the forced removal. “This is my hole. I was born here, I will die here,” squeaked one of the enraged rats. “Aluta Continua!”

Pest Control moved in to disperse the vermin, for they were contravening the Riotous Assemblies act. “Rats are not allowed to convene in numbers of three or more,” explained Manganye. “These machines pump toxic gas that will disperse them.”

Owls were deployed to patrol the dusty streets and pounce on any rat that’s out after curfew. Several rats were taken into custody for sneaking around the shacks without a pass.

On Wednesday, four owls out on patrol were decapitated by an angry mob a rebellious rodents. This rat-taliation led to threats of an all out war by members of Pest Control.

Mayor Tau called for a Total Onslaught to combat the Grys Gevaar. “We have run out of patience with this pestilence,” he said. “We are now in a noodtoestand (state of emergency).”

Yet, the rats remain defiant. “We will not go,” insisted an anonymous rat. “We are mammals, we have rights.”

It would seem that there is no end in sight for the War on Rattus. “In this fight, every dead rat is a victory,” maintains Manganye. “Still, we may have won the battle, but we haven’t won the war.” BN

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Despite being previously disadvantaged, Dumisani managed to achieve the 30% mark required to pass matric. It was enough to enable him to secure his dream job: Being a journalist. Dumisani lives on his couch with his two plants.