Tag Archives: Crime

The 15 things that white people should know about black people

Every now and again I try to use this column for the greater good of mankind. Like Superman, Batman and Catwoman (okay maybe she’s not such a good example), I take my civil duties quite seriously.

I’ve often noticed how we continuously misunderstand each other as a nation. Black people in particular often feel as though they have to explain themselves to their fellow white brothers and sisters. This is normal for a 20-year-old democracy. However, I do believe the time has come for some things to be set straight and myths be busted.

Therefore, my South African people, being the model citizen I am, I have put together a little guide which should help accelerate the positive trajectory of race relations in our beautiful country.

1. Let’s just get this out of the way right now. Yes, black people wash their hair. Do I hear you ask how often? As often as any other race: every day for some, twice a week for others, once a month for others. Get the picture? Great. Let’s consider the matter buried then.

2. Criminals scare us, too. We don’t feel comforted by the fact that someone who’s the same race as us is robbing us. Crime is crime. So sit down, Steve Hofmeyr.

3. “You speak so well” is something you say to a two-year-old who’s just learned how to talk. No matter how well you mean it, stay away from that phrase – it makes you sound like a WASP berk.

4. Most of the time when we speak an African language, it’s not to exclude you or that we’re gossiping. There are times when the Queen’s language just doesn’t suffice. My Afrikaans people, you feel me, right?

5. If you have to say: “My black friend Lucy”, then you have a problem. We will automatically put you in the same box as closet racists. Sorry, I meant to say uptight liberals.

6. We’d also move to Australia (see point 2) if only they had Hip Hop Pantsula, vetkoek, DJ Fresh, the Big Five, Riaan Cruywagen … actually, I take that back. We wouldn’t move to Australia.

7. Calling black women “sisi, sister or girlfriend” doesn’t make you down with the people – it makes you sound patronising.

8. None of us represent the entire black race, so blanketed enquiries about why black people do this or that won’t get you anywhere. We’re individuals first before we are black.

9. We love it, oh do we love it, when you speak an African language. Not funnagalore or a patched-up version of Sotho. I’m talking about the real thing. If you speak an African language, or are making an honest attempt to, give yourself a high five right now.

10. Speaking of language, until the day you can say Nongqawuse properly, cool it with the constant pronunciation correction. You wouldn’t do that if the person was French or Italian – you’d think it’s cute.

11. Contrary to what the majority party’s youth league would like you to believe, we actually want you to stay and enjoy being here. South Africa wouldn’t be the same without you.

12. As the black team, we’d like to trade Jimmy Manyi for Michael Mol. Yes, we don’t want him that much.

13. There isn’t enough space in this column to express how intensely it bothers us when you grin when you make eye contact with a black person. It makes us feel like you’re afraid we’ll take your wallet. Next time you make eye contact with a colleague or stranger, either walk past or say “howzit”. Just don’t grin. It’s not warm, it’s fake.

14. We can swim. Oh come, don’t act like you weren’t thinking about it. Some of us can even scuba dive and snorkel.

15. And lastly my dear, fellow, beloved white countrymen, as the festive season looms and office parties start being planned, please note that there’s one song that should henceforth cease to be played at these parties. This is probably the most important point of this entire column.

The following is said with love, as we know how much you’re fond of this song. And we get it, at one point we were right there with you. However, there’s no easy way to say this and so I’m just going to go ahead and say it: We are sooo over Mandoza’s Nkalakatha. We’d like you to join us and press stop.

Written by Lerato Tshabalala, first appeared on Times Live

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South Africans Too Lazy to Commit Crime – Zuma

This policeman is too lazy to bribe traffic offenders.

This policeman is too lazy to bribe traffic offenders.

PRETORIA – President Jacob Zuma claimed that South Africans are too lazy to commit crime. “Foreigners come here, see opportunities and exploit them,” he said. “South Africans just sit around and wait for the government to do the stealing.”

Zuma said that since 1994, crime has played an increasing role in people’s lives. “There was no one who was talking about crime in the rural areas before 1994. It was not an issue and there were no xenophobic attacks for that.”

Since then, crime has been on a steady increase. “They have taken over criminal activity,” Zuma continued.

Nigerians enter the country and set up profitable drug smuggling rings. They have also cornered the prostitution market.

Vietnamese syndicates control the rhino horn industry, and they work with Mozambican contractors to handle the poaching on ground level.

High powered British investors monopolised private sector fraud and tax evasion, with foreign-owned companies selling natural resources at well below market prices, thereby paying much less tax. These sales are made to subsidiaries located in tax havens. From there they then resell tax free at market prices, and make more profit.

Zimbabweans dominate the housebreaking and car theft industries, while Angolans smuggle their post-civil war arms and ammunition leftovers into the country.

The president conceded that South Africans are at least still ahead of the pack when it comes to rape and murder. “But those crimes don’t really benefit the criminal, does it?” he sighed. “Those are financially fruitless endeavours.”

If he were a journalist, he would write to South Africans to say “wake up, there are things to be stolen, but you’re letting others steal it.”

Zuma reiterated that he would lead by example, and that together we can do more. “Just as I’ve built my own house using money stolen from taxpayers, so too can every South African build his own house.”

The Economic Freedom Fighters’ Floyd Shivambu demanded that something be done about the level of crime. “We must nationalise these crime syndicates at once,” he said. “If we allow these foreigners to loot and plunder there will be nothing left for us to loot and plunder when our government in waiting becomes a government incumbent.”

Congress of the People’s Terror Lekota sharply disagreed with President Zuma. “South Africans are not lazy,” he exclaimed. “They’re just in constant energy saving mode.” BN

Boston Masilela – Political Analyst

Boston Masilela – Political Analyst

Boston Masilela used to be a freedom fighter. When the battle against freedom was lost he switched his ak-47 for a yellow Bic pen and took up journalism instead. He prefers rooibos tea, enjoys a party and all his friends are politicians.

Being an Oscar Fan Can Happen to Anyone

Oscar Pistorius fans show their support for the athlete, who is accused of the murder of Reeva Steenkamp. Photograph: Gallo Images/Getty Images

Oscar Pistorius fans show their support for the athlete, who is accused of the murder of Reeva Steenkamp. Photograph: Gallo Images/Getty Images

PRETORIA – As the trial of former Paralympic gold medallist Oscar Pistorius drizzles towards its inevitable conclusion, support for the murder-accused athlete is sharply on the rise.

An abundance of pages dedicated to Pistorius have shot up all over Facebook, blogs voicing support are flourishing, and every day a group of dedicated fans waits outside the North Gauteng High Court to cheer him on. These Oscar supporters proudly describe themselves as “Pistorians”.

Oscar Pistorius is on trial for the murder of his girlfriend, the model Reeva Steenkamp, on Valentine’s Day 2013. He face life imprisonment if found guilty.

Supporters of the track star claim that, although they have empathy with Reeva and her family, they feel compelled to champion Oscar, because accidentally murdering your girlfriend in the bathroom of your house on a security estate is the sort of thing that can happen to anyone.

“I can relate with poor Oscar,” sighed Dawie Myburg. “I’ve irresponsibly shot at noises in the dark on occasion as well. Luckily, I’m a terrible shot and haven’t killed my wife yet, but this can happen to anyone. “

Others feel that it may not have been entirely accidental, but that it’s still no reason to vilify Pistorius. “From time to time, every one of us experience so much uncontrollable anger that we just want to kill,” mulled Rian du Preez. “This can happen to anyone. I don’t think Oscar should be made to suffer for it.”

“I’ve certainly killed a girlfriend or two in my life,” added Peet van Staden.” This sort of thing just happens, you know. Who are you to judge?”

Outside the courtroom, the Pistorians were fuelled by unbridled enthusiasm. “The last time I took part in a mass gathering was for the Red October march, when we protested to raise awareness of attacks on white farmers,” beamed Christine Van Zyl, who came all the way from Modimolle to show her support.

This flock sees no contradiction between opposing violence and supporting a murder accused. “No, but you see, farm murderers should be condemned,” Christine explained. They are evil, disgusting monsters that thrive on violence.  But Oscar is a kind-hearted, exceptionally gifted murderer, and we must be there for him.”

Some fans had strong opinions on prosecutor Gerrie Nel’s methods of cross-examination. “I can’t stand it when that coconut-headed Gerrie bullies him like that,” cried Lorinda de Roets, in between drags on a Dunhill Lite. “Oscar was only accused of murder, not of being the devil. He doesn’t deserve this.”

On her blog, Oscar devotee Lindie Steenveld described the injustice suffered by cold blooded killers. “The Waterkloof 4 only wanted to beat the homeless man up a little,” she wrote. “They never meant to kill anyone. Unfortunately the man died, and they were found guilty of murder. But have some sympathy for them. This sort of thing can happen to anyone.”

Many fans confess to suffering trauma as a result of Oscar’s shooting incident. Some even claim to experience night terrors, just like Oscar. “Since Oscar shot Reeva, I get night terrors too,” sobbed Kobus Neethling. “I’m absolutely terrified that I might accidentally shoot my family in the middle of the night. Before that night, it never occurred to me that it can happen to me too. I wonder if I should get rid of my revolver.”

“It doesn’t help at all,” interrupted Dirk Havenga. “After Oscar shot Reeva, I got rid of all my guns. I was petrified by the prospect of shooting someone. However, I still get nightmares. What if I grab a steak knife and accidentally stab someone?”

Not every Pistorian has a grand motive for supporting the athlete. Waving around a banner sporting Oscar’s face and the words “Oscar didn’t lie”, burly Wikus Burger grinned: “I heard that he screams like a girl, and I just felt so sorry for the poor guy.”

While many South Africans are rather puzzled by the Oscar Fan Club, some people do sympathise with them. “We shouldn’t judge these people,” remarked Yvette Maarschalk.” They can’t really help it. Supporting Oscar is something that could happen to anyone.” BN

 

Barend Strijdom – Law Correspondent

Barend Strijdom – Law Correspondent

While serving time and trying to fight the system from the inside, Barend learnt a thing or two about the law. He follows the law closely, from a distance, and the law follows him. Do not tell anyone that he’s out.

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Agang Leader Arrested for Attempted Merger

Dr Ramphele makes herself at home.

Dr Ramphele makes herself at home.

CAPE TOWN – The National Prosecution Agency (NPA) arrested Agang-SA leader and brief DA presidential candidate Dr Mamphela Ramphele on charges ranging from attempted merger to conspiracy to commit merger.

The DA was trapped in a near-merger with Agang-SA for five days before it managed to escape. “I’m just so glad it’s over,” sighed DA leader Helen Zille. “We really should learn to be more careful.”

“It’s weird how it’s often the aunt or uncle or close friend of the family that turns out to be the bad guy,” Zille continued. Ramphele has been a friend of the Zille family for nearly 40 years.

The NPA is confident that it could build a strong case against Dr Ramphele. “We regard attempted merger as serious as merger itself,” insisted Investigative Officer Sipho Tshabalala.

According to the NPA, lack of a party policy outline is a possible motive for the attempted merger. Rumours that Agang-SA is completely broke are also being investigated.

Ramphele has been released on bail of R1 million, paid for by Agang’s few remaining financial backers. “I promise that, this time, I won’t squander party finances. This time I will actually try to build party structures and run a real campaign, and not just simply exist for the sake of existing.” Ramphele said in a written statement to the press.

Dr Ramphele could not be reached for further comment as she is currently hiding at home, sulking about all the negative publicity. However, a spokesman for Agang-SA said that Mamphela is sorry about what she’d done, and promises never to do it again, if only we’d all just forget about the incident and move along. BN

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Barend Strijdom – Law Correspondent

Barend Strijdom – Law Correspondent

While serving time and trying to fight the system from the inside, Barend learnt a thing or two about the law. He follows the law closely, from a distance, and the law follows him. Do not tell anyone that he’s out.

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Chaos After Death of Mandela

Riots after the death of MandelaBETHULIE – A massive outburst of violence is expected all over South Africa as soon as Nelson Mandela is dead. Uhuru, as it is known, is a prophesy that white people will be “swept into the sea”, famously foretold by Siener van Rensburg many, many, many years ago.

White people are stocking up on baked beans, bully beef and paraffin. Biltong is being dried, beskuit is being baked. Pumpkins are being taken off the roof and into the basement. Brandy is being rationed, and dogs are being donated to the SPCA.

Wouter Veenstra and his family have managed to convert their home into a compound. Veensra is not taking any chances. The steel bars on the windows have been replaced by titanium, and the windows now boast bulletproof glass. The roof of the house has been covered with camouflage netting. Shelves along the walls are lined with enough food, fuel and water to last approximately two months. “Our only problem is human waste,” revealed Veenstra. “If they figure out how to block it in they may be able to stink us out.”

Still, Veenstra is not about to give up, and preparations for the day when South Africa will be engulfed in a sea of violence continues full steam. He’s got a whole team of his black farm workers digging a bunker. If they manage to break through the first line of defence, the Veenstra family plans to descend into the underground. “We will survive, come what may,” declared Veenstra. “They’re not gonna get us. We’ll go into hiding if we have to. We’re not afraid of anyone.”

Can you see the Veenstra home?

Can you see the Veenstra home?

The cattle farmer from the farm Lankverloren near Bethulie is absolutely convinced that the impending doom awaiting him and his family is unavoidable. “I went to the local farmer’s co-op market and they didn’t have a single panga left on the shelf,” he claims. “That’s when I knew that uhuru wasn’t just a rumour. The black store clerk ensured me that it was bought by a white farmer who needed it to clear a field, but I know he’s lying.”

According to the fearful farmer, this inevitability has been expected for some time. “White people are being murdered every day. They also kill more black people, just to smudge the numbers so that no one can tell that they are systematically exterminating white people.”

Although white people are convinced that chaos is inevitable, there seems to be some uncertainty as to why this will undoubtedly happen. “I don’t know why those blacks will get so bloodthirsty,” uttered Sandra Beneke from Sannieshof. “Maybe they will all grieve so much that only killing a white man will ease the pain.”

The Movement for African Uhuru (MAU) confirmed that the possibility of violence is not simply another case of white paranoia. “People don’t just die,” stated General Kgalefa Mogotsi, the comrade in charge of MAU. “White people caused Apartheid. It is their fault that Mandela will die, and they must pay.”

When asked why they are waiting for Mandela to die, Mogotsi replied that Mandela wouldn’t want them to kill everyone, so they can’t do it before he is dead. “It would be disrespectful to the father of the nation to destroy his legacy while he is still alive,” he remarked. “We must wait until after his death. Then we can destroy.”

Mogotsi claims that they don’t have a choice; it is their destiny to create anarchy. “Mandela is a man of peace,” he said. “We may not have peace without Nelson Mandela.”

MAU’s military wing has been practicing their chants. Not all members speak Afrikaans, and they needed to learn fast. Songs of brooms and sweeping white people into the ocean have been ringing out over the training grounds at a secret location in the southern Free State.

“Die besem, die besem!
Wat maak jy daarmee? Wat maak jy daarmee?
Jy vee daarmee, jy vee daarmee,
die wittes in die see!”

“We want to sing in Afrikaans while we are out on a spree,” mentioned Mogotsi over a bowl of pap en vleis. “Those whites must know exactly what we are saying. We don’t want to have any confusion amids the chaos.”

English: Young Nelson Mandela. This photo date...

A young Nelson Mandela, before he became a terrorist fighting for peace.

Black spokesmen keep assuring everyone that there will be no violent uprisings after Mandela’s death. “All we want are schools and jobs,” suggested Kagiso Bakone. “Retribution against white people for Apartheid is a waste of time and effort. Violence is stressful. We’ll leave that to the criminals.”

“Mandela has been old and frail for some time, and retired from political and public life long ago,” affirmed ANC spokesman Gijimi Cela. Peace and stability continued even without him.”

According to Mogotsi, those people are all MAU representatives. “Our agents are working hard to keep white people calm,” he revealed. “We need the element of surprise. We can’t get them if they’re hiding. We don’t want them to see us coming. Those whites won’t know what hit them.”

White people are not convinced either. “This is not just more white paranoia,” asserted the Freedom Front’s Pieter Rademeier. “We know it will happen. Blacks will make it happen, just because whites started a rumour that it will happen.”

“We were wrong when we expected destruction after Mandela was freed in ’90,” maintains Veenstra. “We were wrong when we expected everything to fall apart after Mandela became president in ’94. We are confident that it will be third time lucky. We can’t be wrong all the time.” BN

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Miriam Mokoena

Miriam Mokoena

Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.

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Air Force One Hijacked in Africa

Air Force OnePRETORIA – US Air Force One has been hijacked at the Waterkloof Air Force Base in Pretoria, South Africa. Armed assailants forced the pilot of the aeroplane carrying US President Barack Obama and his family on their African trip to “keep quiet and do as he’s told.” President Obama was not on the plane at the time.

According to the pilot, he was sitting behind the controls, lying back casually and snacking on Cheetos when four men armed with AK-47s told him to relax. “I thought it was odd, because I was very relaxed before they told me to relax,” said the pilot. “It’s hard to relax when you are forced to relax at gunpoint.”

The aeroplane has since been found, after the pilot made his way back to the Union Buildings where Obama was meeting with South Africa’s president Jacob Zuma. “They kicked me out near a train station,” he sobbed. “The woman working at the gate was kind enough to let me through, and I got onto a train and back to the city.” He reported the incident to the police, who took swift action. “They also took my shoes and jacket,” he continued. “They said it was nice, and that I looked like a chizboy, whatever that means.”

Metrorail employee Marta Marope at the Mamelodi station confirmed the incident. “When we see a white guy with no shoes, we just let him through,” she said. “We just let him through. We know that he’s just been robbed, and he’s got nothing. Not even shoes. He doesn’t even know where he is, so we just let him onto the train. Ag, Shame… We just let him go…”

The police found the aeroplane on a dirt road outside Mamelodi, a township north east of Pretoria. Initial investigation revealed no serious damage, except that the stereo system was crudely removed and the plane was standing on bricks, because the tires were stolen. All the alcoholic beverages were removed from the bar. “We’ve also found evidence that the perpetrators were smoking tik in the lounge,” revealed Inspector Diederick Harmse of the SAPD. “At present the origin of the tik is uncertain, but we believe the tsotsis may have brought it on board with them. We have no reason to suspect that the drugs belonged to any member of the US delegation.”

Inside Air Force OneAccording to Inspector Harmse, it is fairly common to find vehicles outside Mamelodi. “Inexperienced criminals just take the things that are easy to sell,” he said. “Getting rid of a whole vehicle, especially something as noticeable as an aeroplane is too risky, and finding a buyer might take too long.”

The police claim to be close to making arrests. “We’ve tracked a trail of tiny whiskey bottles to a neighbourhood in Mamelodi,” confirmed Inspector Harmse. A team of police officers are ransacking every shack.”

The American Secret Service is satisfied that the incident was not a deliberate act of terror. “We were briefed on the dangers of South Africa, and expected petty crime to be more of a threat than terrorism,” verified a Secret Service spokesman. “There’s no evidence that those responsible had any ideological goals. They just wanted goods to sell for money.”

More vehicles, usually cars, are hijacked in South Africa than any other country in the world.

Barack Obama said he is happy that his stature commanded swift action from the police, and that he’s got most of his aeroplane back. He hopes to see the perpetrators caught, and want justice to take its course. “It’s in the interest of human rights all over the African continent that criminals be brought to justice,” said the US president, “Especially when it concerns American interests.”

Jacob Zuma has not yet commented on the matter, but was overheard accusing the media of harming the reputation of South Africa by reporting on the story. A full briefing is expected shortly. BN

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Barend Strijdom – Law Correspondent

Barend Strijdom – Law Correspondent

While serving time and trying to fight the system from the inside, Barend learnt a thing or two about the law. He follows the law closely, from a distance, and the law follows him. Do not tell anyone that he’s out.

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