Tag Archives: Donald Trump

America Gets Its First Orange President

Orange Donald Trump

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it must be Donald Trump.

WASHINGTON – America very democratically decided that orange is the new black. Donald Trump will be the 45th US President, and the first orange president to occupy the White House.

The result has been hailed as a victory for alien-like creatures across the country. “It goes to show, no matter who you are, how strange your hair, America has a place for you, for everyone. Except Muslims.  And Mexicans. And maybe black people should consider leaving…”

Following another first – America’s first Kenyan president – the race was on in a closely contested contest for more firsts: Hillary Clinton could have been the first former First Lady to become president.

Americans were reluctant to vote for Clinton, because there was concern over her title – should she be called “Presidentess” and “Leadster of the Free World”, they wondered.

Trump’s policy, however, was clear. “I would prefer to be called ‘Your Highness’,” he said. “’Your Lordship’ or ‘Master of the Universe’ will also do.”

The Clinton campaign acknowledged that they grossly underestimated the radiance of that orange skin. “It’s enigmatic,” cried Jamie Last, a campaign volunteer. “People are attracted to it, like a moth to a flame. You can’t compete with that.”

Melania Trump (neé Knaus) will also be the first First Lady to have posed nude for men’s magazines.

“I was unsure, both candidates seemed kind of meh,” claimed Earl Hicks from Nebraska “Then I saw those pictures and yowser! What a first lady! Trump got my vote.”

During the campaign, Trump repeatedly suggested that Clinton belonged in jail. Her supporters hit back that it doesn’t matter. “She wouldn’t be the first criminal in the white house,” they suggested.

According to sources in the FBI, Hillary sent Donald an email to congratulate him on his victory. BN

Angry Bird Hiawatha - Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird Hiawatha – Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird has been to the end of the earth. He has been to the end of the water. He has been to the end of the sky. He has been to the end of the mountains. He has found none that are not his friends.

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Affies School Boys Join Hair Protest

Afrikaans Hoër SeunskoolPRETORIA – Students at the Afrikaans Hoër Seunskool (Afrikaans Boys High School) joined the protest against hair regulations at schools. This is following the protest at nearby Pretoria Girls High about discrimination against African hair styles that had education authorities tearing their hair out over the last couple of days.

The bad hair day happened as learners congregated in front of the predominantly white, Afrikaans language school’s main gate and blocked access to the premises, demanding that their hairy qualms be heard.

The boys are outraged by the school’s hair policy, which seeks to ban all outrages hair styles, and claim that the school’s hair regulations discriminates against modern Western hair.

“The school’s hair policy stems from a time before the birth of Justin Bieber,” complained Bart Nel, a grade 11 pupil at Affies. “We live in the new, post-Bieber South Africa. We feel we are being oppressed.”

The boys told shocking stories about the humiliation they suffered when their hair were tested to make sure it fits in with the draconian regulations.

“Teachers would put their hands on the back of our necks,” cried Sias Reneke, in grade 8. “If they can’t fit four fingers between our collar and the hairline, we would be issued a long hair warning.”

Educators also allegedly often insult learners who don’t comply with their antiquated rules. “A teacher once told me I should comb my hair, and that I look like a mattress explosion,” sulked grade 10 student Japie Adam.

“One of the teachers claimed that my spiky hair could poke out his eye,” added Ernie Ellis. “It’s ridiculous. My spikes will bend.”

Students also told how they would use hair gel to keep their hair from falling into their eyes.

Modern Western hair styles, like the Mop Top, Messy Top, High Top and the Flamed-up Top are all outlawed by the school. The Mohawk, Faux-hawk, and the Spiky Do are also not permitted.

Gauteng MEC for education, Panyaza Lesufi, vowed that the department will look into the matter. “When it comes to hair it can be messy,” she said. “It won’t always be cut and dried.”

Here are some examples of illegal hair styles:

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with a Mop Top.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with a Mohawk.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with spiky hair.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with a faux-hawk.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with the messy hair style.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with a wavy pomp.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with an emo cut.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with dreadlocks.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with some kind of hair “style”.

Donald Trump

This is Donald Trump with the Wet Bieber. (Err, you mean wet beaver – Ed) BN

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie enjoyed the privilege of Apartheid rule and never bothered to get a proper education. The regime change left him unskilled, unemployed and broke, so he settled for being a reporter. Now he’s only unskilled and broke.