Northern Cape chairperson John Block – currently under investigation for fraud – came under fire from religious leaders for commenting that “walking with Zuma is like walking with God.”
“[Zuma] you are the only candidate we have for the elections. We are already talking about the future, because we are not walking this path alone, we are walking with a priest,” he was quoted as saying by The Star. “When you are walking with a priest, it is like you are walking with God.”
KIMBERLEY – In a hastily organised press conference to control the backlash that resulted from his remark, the alleged fraudster explained what his words actually meant.
“God is ruler of the universe – much like Zuma is the ruler of South Africa,” he said. “The people on earth are God’s children – much like the people of South Africa are Zuma’s children. Well, err, adopted children, not real children, of which there are many too.”
The ancient statue of Siddhartha Zuma
“One of God’s children was a man named Job,” he continued.” You might have heard of him. Job was a blessed man who lived righteously – much like the good folk down in South Africa.”
Echoing the sentiments of Sports Minister Fikile Mbalula, Block maintained that, “Satan wanted to test just how devout Job really is – much like the booers who had been inspired by Satan to test Zuma followers’ patience.”
Block likened the wealth of Job to the natural wealth that Africa’s southernmost nation possesses. “Job was a wealthy man,” he said, “with thousands of sheep, camels, oxen and donkeys – much like South Africa, a country with platinum, gold, car factories, the Kruger National Park and Nando’s.”
“Even though Job had regular feasts and enjoyed his wealth, he would sacrifice burnt offerings regularly to appease his God – much like the good folk of South Africa, who pay their yearly taxes to ensure that government has the funds necessary for good governance and service delivery.”
“In order for God to prove to Satan that Job’s love for Him is truly righteous, the Almighty One allowed Job’s wealth to be destroyed, for his wife and children to be taken away and for all his livestock to perish in a horrible manner, just to see if he’ll love his God even if He stops taking care of him.”
Block then explained that walking with Zuma also comes at a price. “To prove your true loyalty to the ANC, you must be willing to vote for the party, even if Number One takes tax money to build himself a lavish mansion,” Block commanded. “Even when Number One simply redeploys incompetent ministers to go mess up a different department, you must still vote ANC. Although corrupt officials never get fired, but allowed to continue working while under a never-ending investigation, you must vote ANC. Despite the slow economic growth, high unemployment and lack of service delivery, you must vote ANC.”
“Like Job of old, you must walk with Zuma, even if it kills you,” Block insisted. “Only when you vote ANC, regardless of how terrible life under the ANC has become, can you truly say that you love the party.”
“While some may put their loyalty up for sale to the party with the biggest food parcels,” Block bellowed out, “a true comrade votes ANC even when he’s starving, lost his shack in a fire, or doesn’t have any water because his local ANC-led municipality didn’t maintain the water treatment plant.”
According to Block, he is well aware of the differences between the Lord and the president, but he maintains that it’s the similarities that the public should focus on.
“Of course God is, well… uhm… God, and Zuma is a mere mortal, but let’s not get bogged down by semantics,” Block reminded us. “God may be omnipotent – an ability that Zuma certainly does not possess – but at least we know Zuma is not impotent. However, the fact remains that we as humans are supposed to follow our leaders with blind faith, to have and to hold, till death do us part, as it is written in the Holy Scriptures.”
The ANC official used the opportunity to dispel the notion that the ANC, while under the stewardship of Jacob Zuma, has become hostile towards minorities. “Job is an important figure in Christianity, Islam and Judaism, and his story appears in the Bible, the Quran and the Torah,” observed Block. “Therefore, if you walk with Zuma, you can truly transcend all of religion. That is conclusive proof that the ANC government really is tolerant of minorities.”
Finally, Block explained why unconditional love for the ANC is so important. “Only when you love the ANC so much that you are willing to sacrifice your dignity, or even your lives for it,” he said, “can you truly commit to keeping the dream of a better life for all of those fortunate enough to have the right political connections alive.”
“That’s why I want you to walk with Zuma,” he continued. “It’s so I can keep my job.” BN
Boston Masilela – Political Analyst
Boston Masilela used to be a freedom fighter. When the battle against freedom was lost he switched his ak-47 for a yellow Bic pen and took up journalism instead. He prefers rooibos tea, enjoys a party and all his friends are politicians.