Tag Archives: Election

America Gets Its First Orange President

Orange Donald Trump

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it must be Donald Trump.

WASHINGTON – America very democratically decided that orange is the new black. Donald Trump will be the 45th US President, and the first orange president to occupy the White House.

The result has been hailed as a victory for alien-like creatures across the country. “It goes to show, no matter who you are, how strange your hair, America has a place for you, for everyone. Except Muslims.  And Mexicans. And maybe black people should consider leaving…”

Following another first – America’s first Kenyan president – the race was on in a closely contested contest for more firsts: Hillary Clinton could have been the first former First Lady to become president.

Americans were reluctant to vote for Clinton, because there was concern over her title – should she be called “Presidentess” and “Leadster of the Free World”, they wondered.

Trump’s policy, however, was clear. “I would prefer to be called ‘Your Highness’,” he said. “’Your Lordship’ or ‘Master of the Universe’ will also do.”

The Clinton campaign acknowledged that they grossly underestimated the radiance of that orange skin. “It’s enigmatic,” cried Jamie Last, a campaign volunteer. “People are attracted to it, like a moth to a flame. You can’t compete with that.”

Melania Trump (neé Knaus) will also be the first First Lady to have posed nude for men’s magazines.

“I was unsure, both candidates seemed kind of meh,” claimed Earl Hicks from Nebraska “Then I saw those pictures and yowser! What a first lady! Trump got my vote.”

During the campaign, Trump repeatedly suggested that Clinton belonged in jail. Her supporters hit back that it doesn’t matter. “She wouldn’t be the first criminal in the white house,” they suggested.

According to sources in the FBI, Hillary sent Donald an email to congratulate him on his victory. BN

Angry Bird Hiawatha - Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird Hiawatha – Foreign Correspondent

Angry Bird has been to the end of the earth. He has been to the end of the water. He has been to the end of the sky. He has been to the end of the mountains. He has found none that are not his friends.




Jesus to Return in May

Jesus CloudKROONSTAD – The Son of God is preparing to return on May 2nd, according to a pastor from Kroonstad in the Free State province. Pastor Tshenolo Otsile, a minister at the Real Redemption Church of Christ, claims to have had direct word from Jesus about his imminent arrival.

“It was 4am when I got woken up by someone or something in my room,” he said. “It looked like an angel; very bright and fuzzy, slightly distorted – almost like I was half awake but still dreaming.”

The angel of the Lord had a lengthy discussion with Pastor Otsile, during which he explained the hastily arranged new direction God’s mysterious ways will be taking.

For nearly 2000 years the faithful remained strong in their belief that their Lord Jesus would keep his promise to one day return to earth, so he can pick them all up on a comfortable, spacious white cloud with ample legroom and great catering, and float them all first class on the long journey to heaven. Although a few clues may be found in the scriptures, there has never been any clear indication when exactly this arrival and subsequent departure will take place.

In the past, many have claimed that nuclear war, global warming, famine, pestilence, an apparent rise in natural disasters, the advent of open homosexuality or the popularity of The Spice Girls have been clear signs that the King of Kings is getting ready for His glorious reappearance.

This, however, seems to have been rather inaccurate. According to Pastor Otsile, Jesus did not plan on returning for many, many years. However, it was President Jacob Zuma’s constant invocation of God as part of his election campaign that prompted the Exalted One’s decision to speed up His divine plan.

“We shall build this organisation,” Zuma said at an ANC rally in Khayelitsha. “Even God expects us to rule this country because we are the only organisation which was blessed by pastors when it was formed. It is even blessed in Heaven. That is why we will rule until Jesus comes back.”

Pastor Otsile claimed that God has changed His all-knowing mind, and that being blessed by pastors is not the full criteria required to receive His official sanction anymore. “Jesus did endorse the ANC once, yes,” he said. “He wanted them to rule forever. But now, quite frankly, he had just about enough of them.”

Jesus wanted a party to rule South Africa with honour, dignity and integrity, but the ANC under Zuma is not quite following the plan, and he wants them out. “The angel said to me that Jacob Zuma has the integrity of a mine shaft,” said Pastor Otsile. “You’re never quite sure when you’re down there.”

A group of local heathens criticised Pastor Otsile, and wanted to know why Jesus couldn’t solve the ANC problem by simply ensuring that the party lose the election.

“Unlike Zuma, Jesus is a man of His word,” responded Pastor Otsile. “He made a promise that the ANC will rule until He comes, and He can’t just break his promise. That’s a bad example to his flock. It’ll confuse everyone with a ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bracelet. They’d think the ‘J’ in WWJD stands for Jacob.”

At time of print, Jesus has neither confirmed nor denied His impending arrival. BN

Radebe G. Radebe – Political Analyst

Radebe G. Radebe – Political Analyst

Radebe understands that you really need to look politics from all sides, weigh up all options and come to terms with what politics is before you can write about politics. This takes time and resources, and he never makes a deadline. Still, his ill-conceived articles are better than it would have been if he rushed it to meet demands. Even if we can never print it, because it’s too late.



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Walking with Zuma is Like Job Walking with God

Northern Cape chairperson John Block – currently under investigation for fraud – came under fire from religious leaders for commenting that “walking with Zuma is like walking with God.”

“[Zuma] you are the only candidate we have for the elections. We are already talking about the future, because we are not walking this path alone, we are walking with a priest,” he was quoted as saying by The Star. “When you are walking with a priest, it is like you are walking with God.”

KIMBERLEY – In a hastily organised press conference to control the backlash that resulted from his remark, the alleged fraudster explained what his words actually meant.

“God is ruler of the universe – much like Zuma is the ruler of South Africa,” he said. “The people on earth are God’s children – much like the people of South Africa are Zuma’s children. Well, err, adopted children, not real children, of which there are many too.”

Zuma Buddha

The ancient statue of Siddhartha Zuma

“One of God’s children was a man named Job,” he continued.” You might have heard of him. Job was a blessed man who lived righteously – much like the good folk down in South Africa.”

Echoing the sentiments of Sports Minister Fikile Mbalula, Block maintained that, “Satan wanted to test just how devout Job really is – much like the booers who had been inspired by Satan to test Zuma followers’ patience.”

Block likened the wealth of Job to the natural wealth that Africa’s southernmost nation possesses. “Job was a wealthy man,” he said, “with thousands of sheep, camels, oxen and donkeys – much like South Africa, a country with platinum, gold, car factories, the Kruger National Park and Nando’s.”

“Even though Job had regular feasts and enjoyed his wealth, he would sacrifice burnt offerings regularly to appease his God – much like the good folk of South Africa, who pay their yearly taxes to ensure that government has the funds necessary for good governance and service delivery.”

“In order for God to prove to Satan that Job’s love for Him is truly righteous, the Almighty One allowed Job’s wealth to be destroyed, for his wife and children to be taken away and for all his livestock to perish in a horrible manner, just to see if he’ll love his God even if He stops taking care of him.”

Block then explained that walking with Zuma also comes at a price. “To prove your true loyalty to the ANC, you must be willing to vote for the party, even if Number One takes tax money to build himself a lavish mansion,” Block commanded.  “Even when Number One simply redeploys incompetent ministers to go mess up a different department, you must still vote ANC. Although corrupt officials never get fired, but allowed to continue working while under a never-ending investigation, you must vote ANC. Despite the slow economic growth, high unemployment and lack of service delivery, you must vote ANC.”

“Like Job of old, you must walk with Zuma, even if it kills you,” Block insisted. “Only when you vote ANC, regardless of how terrible life under the ANC has become, can you truly say that you love the party.”

“While some may put their loyalty up for sale to the party with the biggest food parcels,” Block bellowed out, “a true comrade votes ANC even when he’s starving, lost his shack in a fire, or doesn’t have any water because his local ANC-led municipality didn’t maintain the water treatment plant.”

According to Block, he is well aware of the differences between the Lord and the president, but he maintains that it’s the similarities that the public should focus on.

“Of course God is, well… uhm… God, and Zuma is a mere mortal, but let’s not get bogged down by semantics,” Block reminded us. “God may be omnipotent – an ability that Zuma certainly does not possess – but at least we know Zuma is not impotent. However, the fact remains that we as humans are supposed to follow our leaders with blind faith, to have and to hold, till death do us part, as it is written in the Holy Scriptures.”

The ANC official used the opportunity to dispel the notion that the ANC, while under the stewardship of Jacob Zuma, has become hostile towards minorities. “Job is an important figure in Christianity, Islam and Judaism, and his story appears in the Bible, the Quran and the Torah,” observed Block. “Therefore, if you walk with Zuma, you can truly transcend all of religion. That is conclusive proof that the ANC government really is tolerant of minorities.”

Finally, Block explained why unconditional love for the ANC is so important. “Only when you love the ANC so much that you are willing to sacrifice your dignity, or even your lives for it,” he said, “can you truly commit to keeping the dream of a better life for all of those fortunate enough to have the right political connections alive.”

“That’s why I want you to walk with Zuma,” he continued. “It’s so I can keep my job.” BN

Boston Masilela – Political Analyst

Boston Masilela – Political Analyst

Boston Masilela used to be a freedom fighter. When the battle against freedom was lost he switched his ak-47 for a yellow Bic pen and took up journalism instead. He prefers rooibos tea, enjoys a party and all his friends are politicians.




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Stampede as Perth Expats Rush to Register for ANC Membership

Cyril Ramaphosa on the ANC's outback adventure.

Cyril Ramaphosa on the ANC’s outback adventure.

PERTH – Two people were hospitalised and six more treated for minor bruising after a stampede ensued when South African expatriates in Australia rushed to register for ANC membership.

The rush occurred during a fact-finding mission led by Deputy Minister Cyril Ramaphosa to investigate the possibility of establishing an ANC office in the Western Australian city of Perth.

According to Ramaphosa, there is a great need to reach out to the 145 000 South African-born Australian residents, of which a quarter are currently living in Perth. “We know people love the ANC,” he quipped. “That’s why the ANC always win the election.”

However, Ramaphosa was slightly surprised by the passion for the ANC displayed by these former South Africans. “We expected people to sign up for membership,” he said. “Unfortunately we weren’t prepared for this display of ANC fever and people got hurt. “

Injuries aside, the deputy minister is very happy with the outcome of the mission. “This completely debunks the myth that people emigrate because of ANC rule,” he remarked.

Ex-South Africans are overjoyed that the ANC is finally giving them the attention they deserve. “Sometimes we feel that the ANC is only concerned with themselves and maintaining power, sighed born and bred Sasolburger Dirk van Heerden. “But this outreach mission makes me think that the ANC might actually care about me.”

Others simply feel that they share the same principles as the party. “I immigrated to Australia looking for a better life for myself and my family,” confided former Bloemfonteiner Sakkie van Deventer. “The ANC promises a better life for all. It’s clear that we’re on the same page.”

“Moving to a new country was a major transformation in my life,” revealed Magda de Beer, originally from Polokwane. “The ANC is committed to transformation. I can totally relate to their vision.”

For some, aligning with the ANC is strictly about business. “Being associated with the ruling party opens up doors to business opportunities,” claimed engineer Dawie Viljoen. “I don’t care what they stand for, but if they need someone to build them an office block, I want that contract.”

The South African electoral system allows anyone with a valid South African passport to cast their vote at the South African embassy of the country they currently reside in. “We expect thousands of Saffers living in Perth to make the 3 700 kilometre journey across the treacherous Australian desert to the high commission in Canberra to vote ANC,” said Ramaphosa.

With ANC support back in South Africa waning a bit, the party hopes that the international vote would keep the scales tipped in their favour. “We are destined to rule forever,” Ramaphosa insisted. “But we won’t leave anything up to chance.” BN

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Salim Malik - Foreign Correspondent

Salim Malik – Foreign Correspondent

Salim Malik is not sure where he’s from. That makes him a foreigner wherever he goes. Being a foreigner is all the experience he needs to be a foreign correspondent. Salim travels the globe hunting the news and chicken vindaloo.




DA Promises a Winning Bafana Bafana

The Bafana Bafana team, proudly brought to you by the ANC.

The Bafana Bafana team, proudly brought to you by the ANC.

CAPE TOWN – As part of their plan for a South Africa “we can all believe in”, the Democratic Alliance announced that they will ensure a triumphant Bafana Bafana team.

In a press conference on Monday, the party insisted that a winning national team is essential to the wellbeing of all South Africans. “The people need houses, food, service delivery and a winning Bafana,” exclaimed Winston Rabotapi, DA shadow minister of sport.

Winston Rabotapi

The main opposition party’s strategy for a better Bafana Bafana include removing corruption at all levels of SAFA, improving the distribution of soccer balls to all areas and establishing a Youth Player Wage Subsidy to ensure the development of younger players. The party also intends to introduce tax breaks for clubs who contribute players to a winning national team. “Clubs will do anything for money,” said Rabotapi. “If we dangle a carrot, they will try to eat it.”

According to the DA, under ANC rule the country has seen a steady decline in Bafana Bafana’s performance. “The legacy of Nelson Mandela is that of a winning team, with players like Doctor Khumalo, Neil Tovey and Mark Fish raising the AFCON trophy during his term in office,” claimed Rabotapi. “Since then, the level of performance gradually deteriorated.”

The party maintains that the squad’s success rate is at an all-time low. “With Jacob Zuma as president, the team couldn’t even beat Ethiopia or Botswana to qualify for the world cup tournament,” Rabotapi said. “Even prominent ministers have started calling them “a bunch of losers”.”

Fikile Mbalula

Sports minister Fikile Mbalula demanded that the DA retract their comments. “Zuma doesn’t know anything about soccer,” he insisted. “The ANC is not out there on the field. It’s an insult to the ANC and the players of Bafana Bafana to suggest otherwise.”

EFF’s Commander-in-Chief Julius Malema reiterated calls to nationalise South African football. “Soccer belongs to the people,” he declared. “We must nationalise the clubs to ensure that the people can benefit from having a winning team.”

Despite criticism, the DA remains firm. “We will restore the glory of South African football,” asserted Rabotapi passionately. “A Vote for the DA is a vote for Bafana.” BN

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Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Like all good sportsmen, Raoul was born in the Free State before being offered more money to move to Gauteng. He has such a keen knowledge of the games that he doesn’t need to watch it to know what’s going on. When he’s not following athletes around, Raoul can be found on his farm near Bronkhorstspruit, drinking whiskey and shooting his gun.


Desmond Tutu Launches New Gay Political Party Called ‘DRAAMA’

“I would refuse to go to a homophobic heaven… No, I would say sorry, I mean I would much rather go to hell… I would not worship a God who is homophobic and that is how deeply I feel about this.”

Desmond Tutu

Archbishop Desmond Tutu is full of DRAAMA

This is a statement from Nobel Peace Prize laureate and South African archbishop emeritus Desmond Tutu, who added that he does not believe religion provides justification for homophobia. His passion on the issue has led him to form the world’s first gay political party affectionately named ‘DRAAMA’, an acronym for Democratic Religious Alliance Against Minority Antagonism [D.R.A.A.M.A].

Archbishop Desmond Tutu, who is one of the world’s most respected men and Christians, says the formation of his new political party was to redress the issue which he feels president Jacob Zuma ‘tiptoes’ around.

“The first and last time we ever heard president Jacob Zuma addressing issues around anti-homophobia was when he had to make a public apology regarding a damaging statement he made about this minority group,” Desmond Tutu told reporters.

In a media statement released this morning, DRAAMA is set to be at the forefront of minority human-rights issues the current ruling party has dragged its feet in addressing. True to its name, this is certainly not going to be your ordinary political party famous for making false promises. With gay socialite and choreographer Somizi Mhlongo being poached as the party’s spin doctor, South Africans should brace themselves for a lot of DRAAMA!!!

“I was pleasantly surprised upon receiving a call from the honorable Archbishop Desmond Tutu informing me of his intentions and his request for my involvement thereof… I was expecting the party to approach the likes of Aunty Eusebius McKaizer…” explained Somizi Mhlongo.

IEC has confirmed that DRAAMA has been included on its ballot papers and supporters will be able to vote for this gay party on its forthcoming national elections.

In its colourful draft manifesto, the party will seek to make polygamy amongst gay men a ‘democratic right’ in order to ‘tone-down’ the alarming level of unfaithfulness endemic in homosexual relationships. G.E.E (Gay Economic Empowerment) transformation will also be at the forefront of what the party seeks to achieve, ultimately making it a prerequisite for corporate South Africa to have gay representation across the board.

In a quest to rival EFF’s red berets, DRAAMA’s signature look will be “leathers and feathers” in electric pink. Flamboyant fashion designer, David Tlale, has been commissioned to create the party’s look in true avant-garde style.

A formal press conference will be held later this week to officially announce the formation of the party and what it stands for. Start your engines EFF and Agang – it seems DRAAMA is on its way!! BN

This article was originally posted by The Lifestyle Tabloids. Reposted with permission, for a change.


DA Unveils Blue Berets

The DA army marches for freedom from corruption in our lifetime.

The DA army marches for freedom from corruption in our lifetime.

PAARL – In an attempt to keep up with other parties before the 2014 elections, the Democratic Alliance unveiled their own shiny new blue berets at a rally in the Western Cape over the weekend. This unveiling was done a week after the ANC unveiled their own shiny new red berets exactly like the red berets of EFF, which they unveiled a few months ago when the new party was formed.

According to party insiders, the berets are an important next step in their preparation for the upcoming election. “It has become clear to us that this election will not be won by political statements, but by fashion statements,” said the party’s young, vibrant parliamentary leader Lindiwe Mazibuko. “We need to let people know that blue is in this season. I’m even changing my lipstick to blue.”

Although red berets seem to be the norm, the choice to distance itself from the colour was an easy decision for the DA to make. “Our shirts are blue, our flags are blue, even our blood is blue,” insisted Mazibuko. “Most of us have blue eyes. I don’t, but the others do. There’s absolutely no red in the DA, especially not in our policy manifest. Hopefully not in our eyes either. Why would we have red berets?

ANC spokesman Jackson Mthembu has criticised the DA for wearing berets, claiming that they’re just jumping on the bandwagon because the ANC jumped onto the bandwagon. “We’re already copying EFF,” he reiterated. “Why would they now copy them as well?”

Despite its official colours being black, green and gold, the ANC decided on red for their headwear. “We were worried that gold on our heads would send the wrong message,” revealed Mthembu.

The DA remains unapologetic about their actions. “We may copy others, but at least our copies are original,” replied Mazibuko.

At the unveiling, party leader Helen Zille promised that if you vote for the DA, they would do everything the ANC promised to do, only better. “Every party is bringing the same, tired old politics to the table,” she said. “At least we’ve gone and coloured it blue.”

A beret worn the right way.

Unlike the red berets that just get plomped onto heads straight up without much form, the DA expects all their members to wear the blue beret in the proper manner. “We wear our berets the right way, with the logo to the left,” remarked Zille.

DA campaign strategists are certain that the distribution of free merchandise will have a definite effect on the outcome of the election. “People don’t want to hear any more promises,” said Federal Chairperson Wilmot James. They want something real and the want it now. How can you expect people to take you seriously when you make promise after promise about service delivery, then let them stand in line for hours just to have them go home without the t-shirt you promised? How?”

After everything’s been said and done, one question remains on everybody’s mind, which will be answered come election day. As Floyd Shivambu, EFF’s commissar responsible for policy, research and political education (take a deep breath and read it again) tweeted, “We know a #beret will win the election. Will it be red or will it be blue? BN

UPDATE: Turns out two months after this story was published, the DA actually unveiled real berets. Do you think Helen Zille reads Banana Newsline?

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Miriam Mokoena

Miriam Mokoena – Cultural Affairs

Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.

ANC Unleashes Red Lentil Soup Campaign Strategy

With the 2014 elections looming, the ANC will have to navigate a landmine field not seen since the Angolan Bush War to remain in power. But they have a plan. Radebe G Radebe leopard crawls his way into the inner circle.

Bribery has never tasted this good.

Bribery has never tasted this good.

JOHANNESBURG – “Times are tough in the ANC leadership,” sighed ANC campaign strategist Ronald Makhatona. “It’s becoming increasingly difficult for us to convince the poor masses of poor people to give up their future for our wellbeing.”

The beleaguered party spin cycled its way through a tumultuous 2013 with the Gupta Saga, Nkandlagate, e-tolls, increased service delivery protests, constant reshuffling of an inefficient cabinet, occasional “misquotation” of what President Jacob Zuma really meant to have said but didn’t actually say and the Thamsanqa Jantjie show.

The planning committee fears that their “A vote for the ANC is a Vote for Democracy” campaign strategy might not be as successful as it has been in the past. “What we desperately needed was a new plan,” revealed Makhatona. “President Zuma reminded me that the ANC will rule until Jesus returns, so I turned to the bible for inspiration and came across the story of Esau and Jacob. That story got me thinking.”

Jacob and Esau

Jacob and Esau bargaining for birthrights, 800 BC. (Actual photo)

In the scriptures, Jacob was cooking a delicious red lentil soup. Esau was very hungry, and asked Jacob for some food. Jacob insisted that Esau give up his birthright before feeding him. Esau went to sleep with a full stomach that night, but Jacob got the right to all of his father’s sheep. “Our president’s name is Jacob. To me it was a sign.”

A plan of action was set in motion whereby food parcels would be distributed to the poor townships with the hope that the people would temporarily forget the lack of service delivery in their areas, and once again pledge allegiance to the ANC.

The biggest challenge to overcome was that the people of South Africa don’t really eat red lentil soup. “We feared that convincing people to sell their dreams for lentils won’t be a successful enterprise,” he explained. “We needed something more ayoba.”

The ANC leadership put together a task team to do research in order to come up with a suitable replacement. After spending R2.4 million rand of taxpayers’ money, the Red Lentil Replacement Research Unit discovered that South Africans like to eat pap en vleis. However, they decided that it might not be the most suitable choice. “We realised that the meat would rot, so we made up parcels of maize meal with cans of chakalaka and Lucky Star instead,” Makhatona clarified. Everybody loves Lucky Star. It’s the taste of home. Ing’shaya ngaphakathi. It makes me warm inside.”

The campaign was branded as the Red Lentil Soup Campaign Strategy, even though there are cans of pilchards but no lentils. “It doesn’t matter what people sell their futures for, as long as they sell it to us,” shrieked Makhatona. And besides, Packets of Maize Meal with Cans of Pilchards and Chakalaka Campaign Strategy is too long for party officials to remember.”

Although still in its initial phase, the campaign seems to be working. “I love the ANC,” shouted a jubilant Bongani Masha from Klipspruit. “They give me a food parcel every five years.

Of course, the plan is not without pitfalls. Later in the story, Esau realised he was given the raw end of a dirty stick and tried to kill his brother Jacob, forcing him to flee. “We’ll worry about that later,” shrugged Makhatona. First we must win. Then maybe we’ll spend another R206 million on security upgrades to Nkandla.”

For now, however, ANC delegates are ecstatic about the kickoff to their 2014 election campaign. “I’m glad we did our research,” says Northern Cape Premier Sylvia Lucas. “If it was up to me, I would have just bought everyone KFC” BN


Radebe G. Radebe – Political Analyst

Radebe G. Radebe – Political Analyst

Radebe understands that you really need to look politics from all sides, weigh up all options and come to terms with what politics is before you can write about politics. This takes time and resources, and he never makes a deadline. Still, his ill-conceived articles are better than it would have been if he rushed it to meet demands. Even if we can never print it, because it’s too late.

Vote for King Mswati III. Or Else

Elections in Swaziland is a grand affair, fun for the whole family. Tell your friends. Don’t miss out.

The people of Swaziland prepare for “democratic” elections scheduled for October this year.

Who’s going to win? Well that’s anybody’s guess. If I were a betting man, I’d bet on King Mswati III. Why wouldn’t he win? He is Africa’s last remaining monarch with political power, after all. My money would be on him. But I’m not a betting man…


Cartoon by Brandan for Business Day

South Africa to Help Robert Mugabe Win Election

Zimbabwe is planning to have elections that will decide their bleak future. A victory for Mugabe is a victory for South Africa, and Jacob Zuma will make sure it happens.  Radebe G Radebe crossed the border. Legally.

HARARE – South Africa has granted a R900 million ($1 000 000) loan to Robert Mugabe’s cash-strapped Zanu-PF party to help them rig the upcoming elections in Zimbabwe. The country formerly known as the bread basket of Africa is expected to go to the polls later this year – or maybe next year – to have the elections that were supposed to happen last year.

Mugabe sent an SMS to Jacob Zuma, asking the South African president to call him back so he can personally thank him for the loan. “I knew Zuma would understand,” Mugabe reportedly stated. “He knows the price of leadership.”

The loan will no doubt alleviate the huge financial burden Mugabe is facing. “Elections are expensive – especially if you want them to appear free and fair,” said state intelligence adviser Gabriel Chaibva, according to Zimbabwe’s newspapers.

A preliminary budget outline was leaked to the press by a Zanu-PF insider. “The biggest expense will be in the form of bribes for independent observers,” surmised Betserai Mwanyazi, a Zimbabwean political analyst. “African observers, especially those from South Africa, come at an affordable rate, but Western monitors don’t come cheap.”

Many officials need to be given a bonus for miscounting or misplacing papers with votes for the MDC, Zanu-PF’s biggest rival. In the dire economic state Zimbabwe finds itself, getting people to go along is easy. “There are no jobs, asserted Betserai. “People will do it for a bit of money, even if it means they will struggle harder to get money again in the future.”

With the price of petrol always on the rise, the cost to bus intimidators in to disrupt the peaceful voting process has increased considerably. “They need those people to be well fed and well liquored,” opined Betserai. It’s the most basic aspect of the democratic process. If you can convince people to vote right, you don’t have to miscount later.” The military will also be deployed to look menacing in key areas. “The armed forces are an integral part of the campaign strategy.”

On top of that, Mugabe will need to give party leaders a little extra because they won the election. “It’s common courtesy.”

A small percentage of the budget will be allocated to purchase and operate the equipment necessary to facilitate a smooth voting process. “We may need to buy some paper,” Chaibva remarked. “We don’t expect people to mark their votes on their hands. It’s hard to count.”

According to an anonymous ANC insider, it is important – from a South African perspective – to keep Mugabe in power. “With Robert in charge, ordinary Zimbabweans have no future in their own country, so they leave for South Africa,” he said. “They are willing to work for the very low wages that are instrumental in maintaining the cheap migrant labour model. Despite their dismal economy, Zimbabwe still has a better education system than us, so we are getting better workers for a cheaper price. This R900 million is an investment. We might as well donate it to Zanu-PF.”

The top leadership of the ANC are reportedly adamant that supporting the current regime is imperative. “God wants Mugabe to rule, because Zanu-PF was blessed by pastors when it was formed,” Zuma reportedly uttered off the record. “He is even blessed in heaven, that’s why Zanu-PF will rule until Jesus returns.”

A South African delegation is expected to meet with the Zanu-PF politburo in a shady barroom in downtown Harare next week to discuss the particulars of loan. “We have no doubt that we’ll reach an agreement,” maintained Chaibva. “You could say its win-win for all. When you are in power, you make the rules.” BN


Radebe G. Radebe – Political Analyst

Radebe G. Radebe – Political Analyst

Radebe understands that you really need to look politics from all sides, weigh up all options and come to terms with what politics is before you can write about politics. This takes time and resources, and he never makes a deadline. Still, his ill-conceived articles are better than it would have been if he rushed it to meet demands. Even if we can never print it, because it’s too late.