WASHINGTON – America very democratically decided that orange is the new black. Donald Trump will be the 45th US President, and the first orange president to occupy the White House.
The result has been hailed as a victory for alien-like creatures across the country. “It goes to show, no matter who you are, how strange your hair, America has a place for you, for everyone. Except Muslims. And Mexicans. And maybe black people should consider leaving…”
Following another first – America’s first Kenyan president – the race was on in a closely contested contest for more firsts: Hillary Clinton could have been the first former First Lady to become president.
Americans were reluctant to vote for Clinton, because there was concern over her title – should she be called “Presidentess” and “Leadster of the Free World”, they wondered.
Trump’s policy, however, was clear. “I would prefer to be called ‘Your Highness’,” he said. “’Your Lordship’ or ‘Master of the Universe’ will also do.”
The Clinton campaign acknowledged that they grossly underestimated the radiance of that orange skin. “It’s enigmatic,” cried Jamie Last, a campaign volunteer. “People are attracted to it, like a moth to a flame. You can’t compete with that.”
Melania Trump (neé Knaus) will also be the first First Lady to have posed nude for men’s magazines.
“I was unsure, both candidates seemed kind of meh,” claimed Earl Hicks from Nebraska “Then I saw those pictures and yowser! What a first lady! Trump got my vote.”
During the campaign, Trump repeatedly suggested that Clinton belonged in jail. Her supporters hit back that it doesn’t matter. “She wouldn’t be the first criminal in the white house,” they suggested.
According to sources in the FBI, Hillary sent Donald an email to congratulate him on his victory. BN
Angry Bird has been to the end of the earth. He has been to the end of the water. He has been to the end of the sky. He has been to the end of the mountains. He has found none that are not his friends.