Tag Archives: Miriam Mokoena

South Africa Celebrates the Death of Verwoerd

Hendrik VerwoerdJOHANNESBURG – Thousands of people across South Africa are celebrating the death of Hendrik Verwoerd, who died 50 years ago. Verwoerd, also known as the Architect of Apartheid, was murdered by the assassin Dimitri Tsafendas on September 6, 1966.

Older South Africans remember the former president fondly.

“I still have wonderful memories of the police dragging us out of our house to save us from the bulldozers that came to demolish the house to make way for a nice, all-white neighbourhood,” smiles Shiya Ikhaya of Meadowlands. “If Verwoerd didn’t send the police before he sent the bulldozers, I’d be dead.”

“I was so happy when I got my dompas,” laughed Gift Opayo of Boipatong. “I even had a special permit to walk into the white neighbourhood and I was allowed to work there. It’s a pity I had to burn it.”

“Verwoerd never allowed us to take the bus,” sighed Famba Gudwini.  “I had to walk a lot. It was good for my health. That’s why I’m so old now.

“I was grateful for my Bantu Education,” remembered Thokozane Didizane of Soshanguve. “It provided me with just enough skills to be a good servant for the whites. I never had to suffer and become a dentist.”

“My father wanted to be a farmer,” Precious Kancane of Hammanskraal. “Thankfully, Verwoerd made sure he couldn’t own land, so he had to move to the township for work. I loved our little corrugated shack, the muddy street and the pit toilet. I still live here, even after all these years.”

“Verwoerd laid the foundation for the creation of the most unequal society in the world,” opined Cinga Khosa of Thembisa. “Because of Verwoerd, we are number one.”

Celebrations should continue late into the night. BN

Miriam Mokoena

Miriam Mokoena – Cultural Affairs

Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.

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The Statue of Nelson Mandela Must Go

Protesters gather around the offending Mandela statue.

Protesters gather around the offending Mandela statue.

PRETORIA – Thousands of students from the University of Pretoria marched to the Union Buildings and demanded the removal of the statue of Nelson Mandela.

“The traitor must go,” they chanted, as they covered the statue with black refuse bags.

“Madiba sold our people out when he negotiated with the whites,” explained Thoko Tsetste, who instigated the protest. “It’s because of him that white farmers still have land.”

“Mandela wanted reconciliation,” he continued. “We’ll give it to him. We will reconcile his statue to the scrap yard, rabbit ear and all.”

The mob circled the defenceless statue, swirling in a uniform chaos, and launched a second wave of assault.

“First we take down Madiba, then we take down Shaka,” they chanted, as they spray painted slogans across the base of the statue.

“Yes, you see, King Shaka was a tyrant,” elaborated Tstetse. “He attacked all the other tribes. He chased Moshoeshoe up the mountain and forced Mzilikazi to flee to the north. That’s why so many people of Lesotho and Zimbabwe come to South Africa. Now that Shaka is gone, they’re coming back home.”

“It’s obvious that Shaka is only a hero to the Zulu,” hissed Tsetse, “But most people in this country are not Zulu. We now have a Zulu president, therefore the statue of Shaka is a symbol of the oppression we experience under the tyranny of Jacob Zuma.”

The protest was met by a strong reaction from the pro-statue faction of the TUKS campus. Many of them gathered on higher ground, shouting abuse down at the anti-bronze protesters.

“Everybody is a hero to some and a villain to others,” insisted Chiliboy Morena, the fiery ringleader of the anti-anti-Madiba group. “We must remember the people who shaped our history, whether we like them or not. Even Nelson Mandela must be remembered, regardless of whether you think he’s a terrorist not.”

“You may think Mandela was a traitor, Shaka was a tyrant, Cecil John Rhodes was an evil colonialist or Paul Kruger had a beard, but these are the people who shaped our history,” he maintained.

“We as South Africans are who we are because of our past, all of it, the good and the bad, the joy and the sorrow, the great and the terrible, and we must remember all of it, if we are to remember who we are.”

Thoko Tstetse stuck his forefinger into the air and dismissed the sentiments of the pro-statueists.

“Those people all benefited from things like BEE, tenderpreneurship and Model C schooling, and are completely detached from the plight of the poor black,” he shrugged. “They can’t be taken seriously.”

Chiliboy Morena and his faction remain resolute in their opposition to the protest.

“Shacks are the real monuments of Apartheid, replied Morena. “That’s what we must tear down.”

The Department of Arts and Culture will convene on Wednesday to decide the fate of Nelson Mandela’s statue. BN

Miriam Mokoena

Miriam Mokoena – Cultural Affairs

Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.

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Related Articles

The Fall of Rhodes Statue Only The First Step (Mail & Guardian)

Top 10 Ways to Get Recognised by Baleka Mbete

Baleka Mbete doesn’t want to recognise any of you. Why, you ask? Well, you’re doing it wrong. You can’t just stand up and demand to speak, as proper democratic procedure dictates! No, you need to be savvy. Never fear! Banana Newsline has the ultimate guide to getting recognised. Works every time, guaranteed, or your money back within before Julius gets back.

Here are your ten points of order.

1. Wear a name tag

If these kids can recognise each other, it must work.

If these kids can recognise each other, it must work.

Baleka has a short memory. Even though you were there the day before, she won’t remember you the next day, and she won’t recognise any of you.

 

2. Don’t bring an elephant

Bringing an elephant into the room could also lead to a riot.

Bringing an elephant into the room could also lead to a riot.

When you have an elephant in the room, nobody will want to talk to you. That’s one sure way not to get recognised. Leave your elephant at home.

 

3. Learn to rap

Vanilla Ice

Even if you’re Vanilla, you should be cool as ice. Baby.

Nothing says “you better re-kog-nize” like busting out a rhyme. When you got the flow, the peeps will know, Go, Go, Go! No diggity.

 

4. Ride a unicycle

Man on unicycle

Yeah, we don’t know either, but you got to try something.

Have you ever seen a guy on a unicycle? Of course you have. And if you see him again, you will most certainly recognise him. Hey, when you’re in a circus, you better have a trick.

 

5. Cut off your arms

Ronnie Parker, Nascar engineer

No riot police has ever harassed this man, ever.

Being armed will get you recognised by the riot police, but it won’t get you recognised by Baleka. Only if you are completely unarmed to the fullest extent of the word will you be left alone by the police, and recognised by Baleka.

 

6. Jump through hoops

Soldiers jumping through hoops

Circus Charlie’s special training school for aspiring MPs

This works especially well if the hoops are on fire. Now if you can do that while juggling two jobs and three razor sharp swords, well, you will most certainly get recognised.

 

7. Learn to dance

Disco Disco

Look familiar? Yeah, it looks a lot like parliament.

Dancing to someone else’s tune always gets you recognised. Dance wherever you can, whenever you can. Do a traditional dance, or just shake a leg. Just as long as you dance to a tune Baleka likes.

 

8. Marry Kanye West

Kim Kardashian

If you can see this, it must mean the internet has been repaired.

People will recognise you wherever you go. Even in parliament. No seriously, it’ll work. You won’t have to break parliament to get recognised. But you might break the internet.

 

9. Be on the right side

Left or right is as simple as black or white.

Left or right is as simple as black or white.

One  sure way to get recognised, is to be on the right side, which is the left side. But not too to far left side. That will ensure that you remain unrecognised for at least 30 days.

 

10. Be the proud owner of a fire pool

Fire pool - you're doing it wrong.

Fire pool – you’re doing it wrong.

Does Baleka have a fire pools. Can she even swim? Who knows? But if you have one, a very expensive one right next to a brand new thatched roof homestead, you will definitely get recognised.

There you have. Follow these ten easy steps, you will get recognised time and again and again. Remember, the more you do, the better your chances get. No go out there and get recognised! BN

Miriam Mokoena

Miriam Mokoena – Cultural Affairs

Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.

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Parliament Diary: Scenes of Shame (The Daily Maverick)

Capitalism to Blame for South Africa’s Earthquake

No rooibos tea will ever be drunk from this cup ever again. An earthquake destroyed it, and most of South Africa, on Tuesday,  August 2014.

No rooibos tea will ever be drunk from this cup ever again. An earthquake destroyed it, and most of South Africa, on Tuesday, August 2014.

ORKNEY – Investigators into the earthquake felt across large parts of South Africa have discovered that Capitalism is to blame for the devastation.

Residents of the South African interior felt the earth move under their feet and the sky tumbling down on Tuesday, causing a few freshly poured instant Royco Cup-A-Soups to get spilt. The tremendous tremors – with its epicentre near Orkney in the North West Province – measured 5.3 on the Richter scale.

A ministerial task team appointed by the Minister of State Security, David Mahlobo, conducted a swift but thorough investigation into the cause of the natural disaster, and after scrutinising all of the available evidence, came to the inevitable conclusion that the upheaval was caused by the country’s capitalist-leaning economic system.

“After hearing the testimony of several witnesses to the event, we have concluded that our acrimonious ancestors are not happy about the looting of our precious minerals by the greedy Capitalists, and they sent the earthquake to inform us of their discontent,” Minister Mahlobo said in a press conference, held on the lawn in front of the Union Buildings, far away from its splendid limestone walls.

The investigative team recommended that the government implement a policy of nationalisation immediately, in order to appease the ancestors and avoid any further damage to property. “Either we take your mine, or the ancestors take your mine,” asserted Minister Mahlobo.

The Economic Freedom Fighters welcomed the earthquake. “The quake is a sign of the coming revolution,” an overjoyed Julius Malema , fearless Commander in Chief of the EFF later declared. “Expropriation to avoid obliteration!”

A number of other possibilities were also investigated. Both Hamas and the Israeli Government denied any responsibility for the earthquake. No evidence was found to tie Boko Haram to the disaster.

Several Christian Fundamentalists declared the earthquake to be a sign of the end times. However, the task team dismissed their claims. “The ANC will rule until Jesus returns,” insisted Minister Mahlobo. “So why would He try to destroy us with an earthquake?”

Maps of Southern Africa were turned into a splattering of pastel colours following tuesday's earthquake.

Maps of Southern Africa were turned into a splattering of pastel colours following tuesday’s earthquake.

COSATU General Secretary, Zwelinzima Vavi, denounced the task team’s findings. “They couldn’t be more wrong,” he fumed. “It’s more likely that the earthquake was caused by SAFA’s appointment of Shakes Mashaba as the new head coach of Bafana Bafana. He already failed in this position once before. His reappointment is most likely to annoy the ancestors.”

Expert earthquakologists suggested that inebriation is the best way to survive an earthquake of this magnitude, a theory with which several survivors concur. “I was stumbling all the way to the bathroom, but suddenly I was walking straight,” said Hannes de Bruin, a regular at Jock’s Bush Pub in Kilner Park, Pretoria. “Then I realised that the world is stumbling with me. When I lurched, the world lurched, and I lurched steadily all the way to the toilet. Unfortunately it was already down my trousers.”

Others believe that sellotape is the answer to ensure safety and security during an earthquake. “I’ve already sellotaped my three plaster ducks-in-a-row to the wall,” revealed Magriet Mostert, a housewife from Ermelo in Mpumalanga. “There’s no way it’s coming off when that unholy quake hits again. Now I’m going to sellotape my wooden giraffe statuette to the floor.”

Geologists warned that further earth movements could take place, as aftershocks are very likely after a major earthquake. “As a scientist, I believe there’s only one rational thing to do,” exclaimed Professor Andrzej Kijko, director of the University of Pretoria’s Natural Hazard Centre.”Go see your sangoma. Appease the ancestors. Do it, before we all end up living down a mine shaft.” BN

Miriam Mokoena

Miriam Mokoena – Cultural Affairs

Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.

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Earthquake hits South Africa (IOL News)

John Edward and the Tokoloshe

Inter-dimensionally renowned professional psychic medium John Edward – while on tour in South Africa – attempted to make contact with the Tokoloshe. Miriam Mokoena went crossing over.

John Edward (left) and the Tokoloshe (right)

John Edward (left) and the Tokoloshe (right)

“Usually I attempt to cross over to the land of the dead,” explained Edward. “I don’t normally try to make contact with a living entity. However, the Tokoloshe is such an illusive creature that I simply couldn’t resist.”

Known for being mischievous to people, the Tokoloshe is a fabulous water-sprite that is very fond of women, used by witches for nefarious purposes, and resembles a tiny, hairy dwarf.

I met Edward at his hotel in Sandton, and after brief pleasantries we went to Moroka, Soweto, to find Mswati Mnqwazi, a sangoma and Tokoloshe fundi.

“I’ve chased many a Tokoloshe out of a shack,” said Mngwazi. “But I’ve never spoken to one. They aren’t very sociable creatures.”

Although the Tokoloshe can only be seen by the person it’s tormenting, Mngwazi claims to have the recipe for seeing a Tokoloshe. “First, you must remove the ubuthongo (the sleep) from a dog’s eye, first thing in the morning,” instructed the sangoma. “You must then put this sleep in your eye. Dogs can see Tokoloshe, and so you must take their power into your own eyes before you can also see him.”

“Then, you must stay away from the fire,” he continued. “The Tokoloshe is terribly afraid of fire, and the smell of smoke on your clothes will chase him away immediately.”

The Tokoloshe is said to be living near water. Before going down to the river, Mngwazi finished preparing Edward. “Seeing Tokoloshe is only the first step,” he explained. “There are lots of muti which need to be used to strengthen yourself against his magic, and to trap him, and then to keep him. “

After a short car ride to the edge of the township, we walked through a barren veld, bodyguards in tow, to small spruit that barely flows just outside the sprawling kayatropolis. By then Edward was pumped full of muti and a few decent swigs of Dutch courage. When we finally reached the stream, he wasted no time and proceeded to cross over into the world of illusion. “I sense something… with a “D”… a “D”… No, a “T”,” said Edward.

“That must be the Tokoloshe,” yelped Mngwazi.

Edward then claimed that he’s getting a strong feeling of tension vibrating in the air.

“He must be frustrated, this one,” Mngwazi replied, brimming with excitement. “He probably hasn’t tormented anyone in a while.”

As Edward described how he felt very uncomfortable, like there’s malice lurking, he suddenly sensed a fresh burst of supernatural impulses. “I’m getting a “B”, or is it a “P”?” he asked.

“It must be “P”,” Mngwazi answered. “There’s this old woman called Pitse who lives upstream. We’ve long suspected that she’s a witch.”

“The Tokoloshe wants you to know that he was not summoned by Pitse, and that we must delve deeper,” insisted Edward frantically.

“I’ve heard enough,” hissed Mngwazi. “The Tokoloshe is a great deceiver. He’s now trying to throw you off.” As he stormed up the tiny footpath heading back to the township, I heard him cursing in isiZulu until he was out of earshot. Then the night fell quiet, with only the soft trickling of the stream a tranquil whisper from below.

“Michael, get the car and take me to the airport. Now.” Edward spoke calmly, in his monotone manner, without turning his eyes away from the distant dark. BN

Miriam Mokoena

Miriam Mokoena – Cultural Affairs

Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.

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Satirical Newspaper Responsible for MP’s Yellow State of the Nation Dress

The Official Banana Newsline State of the Nation Dress.

The Official Banana Newsline State of the Nation Dress.

JOHANNESBURG – Thandile Sunduza, the women being ridiculed for her terrible fashion sense, has revealed that Banana Newsline, a South African satirical newspaper, is responsible for creating the much disparaged garment.

The seven month pregnant Member of Parliament has been derided endlessly for the yellow dress she wore to Jacob Zuma’s State of the Nation Address.

“I wore the dress to support South Africa’s growing interest in satirical writing,” she remarked from her hospital bed, where she’s being treated after collapsing from a severe case of mockery.

She admitted that the dress was designed specifically for her by Banana Newsline, one of the more popular outlets for satirical writing, to raise further awareness of the newspaper.

The government official claimed that it is her duty as a public servant to support writing in all it’s forms. “Yes, even the writers of satire,” she said. “Even though they mock everything we do. It is part of my duty. I’m the arts and culture portfolio committee chairperson, after all.”

According to Banana Newsline, the purpose of the stunt was to encourage people to stop focussing on real issues, and indulge in the more trite elements of the political landscape. “As South Africans we focus too much on issues like jobs and housing,” stated staff writer Boston Masilela. “We don’t spend nearly enough time worrying about what our politicians eat, what they wear, and where they bought their vacuum cleaners.”

“Our young democracy will not grow if we don’t focus more on the banal,” he continued. “We desperately needed to turn the State of the Nation Address into the State of the Nation’s Dresses.”

The newspaper is convinced that the State of the Nation Address is the perfect setting to get the ball of nihilism rolling. “We all know what the president will say,” asserted Masilela. “The real question should be “What will he wear?”

The satirical news outlet is satisfied with the success of the publicity stunt. “The whole dress was designed to fit the banana motif, which is integral to the identity of the newspaper,” rejoiced Masilela. “We are quite proud. The shape, the curves, the colour, it all came together perfectly.”

Banana Newsline also expressed delight about unwittingly completing phase two of their five point plan to create a society completely devoid of any self-worth. “Maybe it went a little too well,” laughed Masilela. “We’ve managed to turn the whole nation into judgemental dose.” BN

 

Miriam Mokoena

Miriam Mokoena – Cultural Affairs

Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.

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DA Unveils Blue Berets

The DA army marches for freedom from corruption in our lifetime.

The DA army marches for freedom from corruption in our lifetime.

PAARL – In an attempt to keep up with other parties before the 2014 elections, the Democratic Alliance unveiled their own shiny new blue berets at a rally in the Western Cape over the weekend. This unveiling was done a week after the ANC unveiled their own shiny new red berets exactly like the red berets of EFF, which they unveiled a few months ago when the new party was formed.

According to party insiders, the berets are an important next step in their preparation for the upcoming election. “It has become clear to us that this election will not be won by political statements, but by fashion statements,” said the party’s young, vibrant parliamentary leader Lindiwe Mazibuko. “We need to let people know that blue is in this season. I’m even changing my lipstick to blue.”

Although red berets seem to be the norm, the choice to distance itself from the colour was an easy decision for the DA to make. “Our shirts are blue, our flags are blue, even our blood is blue,” insisted Mazibuko. “Most of us have blue eyes. I don’t, but the others do. There’s absolutely no red in the DA, especially not in our policy manifest. Hopefully not in our eyes either. Why would we have red berets?

ANC spokesman Jackson Mthembu has criticised the DA for wearing berets, claiming that they’re just jumping on the bandwagon because the ANC jumped onto the bandwagon. “We’re already copying EFF,” he reiterated. “Why would they now copy them as well?”

Despite its official colours being black, green and gold, the ANC decided on red for their headwear. “We were worried that gold on our heads would send the wrong message,” revealed Mthembu.

The DA remains unapologetic about their actions. “We may copy others, but at least our copies are original,” replied Mazibuko.

At the unveiling, party leader Helen Zille promised that if you vote for the DA, they would do everything the ANC promised to do, only better. “Every party is bringing the same, tired old politics to the table,” she said. “At least we’ve gone and coloured it blue.”

A beret worn the right way.

Unlike the red berets that just get plomped onto heads straight up without much form, the DA expects all their members to wear the blue beret in the proper manner. “We wear our berets the right way, with the logo to the left,” remarked Zille.

DA campaign strategists are certain that the distribution of free merchandise will have a definite effect on the outcome of the election. “People don’t want to hear any more promises,” said Federal Chairperson Wilmot James. They want something real and the want it now. How can you expect people to take you seriously when you make promise after promise about service delivery, then let them stand in line for hours just to have them go home without the t-shirt you promised? How?”

After everything’s been said and done, one question remains on everybody’s mind, which will be answered come election day. As Floyd Shivambu, EFF’s commissar responsible for policy, research and political education (take a deep breath and read it again) tweeted, “We know a #beret will win the election. Will it be red or will it be blue? BN

UPDATE: Turns out two months after this story was published, the DA actually unveiled real berets. Do you think Helen Zille reads Banana Newsline?

 Banana Newsline on Facebook and Twitter

Miriam Mokoena

Miriam Mokoena – Cultural Affairs

Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.

New Zulu Bible to Have 8 Commandments

isiZulu-BibleMARIANHILL – President Jacob Zuma has donated R500 000 for the translation of the Bible into isiZulu through his Jacob Zuma Foundation. “The Bible needs to be updated and incorrect translations need to be fixed,” Zuma said in a statement.

Among these errors is the incorrect representation that there are ten Commandments contained in the Book of Exodus. The new Bible in isiZulu will feature only eight.

The two Commandments that won’t feature in the new Jacob Zuma Zulu Bible are “Thou shalt not steal” and “Thou shalt not commit adultery”.

Some critics have accused Zuma that he’s reshuffling the bible like it’s the cabinet, but he [Zuma] remains unrepentant. “The Bible is a holy book. That is why believers should get the gist of it as it is, and it needs to be translated properly,” Zuma continued.

The new Jacob Zuma Zulu Bible will reportedly also update certain verses in Leviticus. These new verses will contain the correct procedure to follow when one has to take a shower to wash off Aids after having had unprotected sex.

To compliment the poetry of David, The Book of Solomon will now also feature the love poems sent to the daughter of a friend and football team boss before she got pregnant.

Certain phrases in the Bible will be updated to feature more relevant terminology. For instance, the “Lake of Fire” in the Book of Revelation shall now be referred to as the “Fire Pool”.

At time of print it was still unclear if the new Jacob Zuma Zulu Bible will contain any verses codifying God’s decree that the ANC must rule until Jesus comes back. BN

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Miriam Mokoena

Miriam Mokoena

Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.

 

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People Who Made 2013 Worth Living

The year marked as 2013 on our calenders came and went like an unlucky number carved on the dolos bones of a superstitious sangoma, never to return. It’s a year we’d want to forget, but it’s a year we’d remember forever.  Banana Newsline remembers those who made this year memorable.

The prophet Thamsanqa.

Thamsanqa Jantjie

When Nelson Rolithathla Mandela passed away the great rainbow of our nation was set to desaturate into several shades of grey while we were to be the solemn reality TV show for the whole world to indulge in.  It didn’t quite pan out like that. In fact, it became so much more.

This dark procession was processed into a farcical extravaganza by the improv comedy routine of the sign language champion and hero of the revolution Thamsanqa Jantjie. With the deft skill of a circus clown impersonator, Thamsanqa impersonated a sign language interpreter and communicated with the angels to bring us a message that in 2014 we will all be okay, as long as we remember that all is not okay.

When the ivory tower that is ANC privilege finally crumbles under the weight of its own incompetence, the unsung hero, the visionary who will be forgotten by history will be the man who had visions of angels swooping down around him while he tried to remain calm on a stage surrounded by policemen in front of billions of people while he listened to what the heavenly beings had to say.

“Thamsanqa,” said the angel. “You are the chosen one. Today, the world will see. There will be no complaints of misrepresentation, of a bias media obfuscating the truth, no accusations of distorting reality for an undermining agenda, or any spin cycles to sidestep the reality that stares everyone straight in the eye. You will show them.”

Thamsanqa translated the celestial message perfectly. As he stood there flailing his arms about, his mere presence on that stage with the leaders of the world showed billions of viewers all over the planet everything they needed to know about government in this wonderful country of ours. Now there is no place to hide.

Selected by Radebe G Radebe.

The bullet in the chamber.

Oscar Pistorius

Oscar Pistorius is a man who showed us that we are all equal, no matter what our differences are.

When he took to the track to run in the 400m finals at the London Olympics despite having no feet he proved that every obstacle can be overcome and that people with disabilities are people too, just like the rest of us.

When Pistorius murdered his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, on that fateful night in February despite being white, he proved that every obstacle can be overcome and that pale skinned people can kill people too, just like the rest of us.

Oscar Pistorius reminded us that white people are every bit as capable as black people to commit senseless violent crime.

Before Pistorius, it was thought that only black people were savage beasts who would take the life of another human without any rhyme or reason, but we now know that the need to kill can infect anyone.

Pistorius is a tragic reminder that murder knows no boundaries. It can cross racial lines without discrimination, and strike when you least expect it.

Oscar Pistorius is a great reconciler. His gruesome act taught us that savagery is a human act, not limited to any race or physical capability. Knowing that we aren’t different from each other despite knowing that we are different from each other is the most unifying force know to man, unifying the nation with a force last seen when Bafana Bafana beat Botswana.

That fateful day in February Oscar Pistorius used a cricket bat to bludgeon into our thick sculls the brutal truth that black people don’t kill people. People kill people.

Selected by Barend Strijdom.

The loxion laxative.

Andile Lili

Life in the Western Cape is rather crap if you’re an ANC politician. There’s so much suffering. While their colleagues in the other provinces get to enjoy the privilege of political power and the reward of relationships with over-eager tenderpreneurs, ANC officials in the fairest capes of them all – the only province not being exploited by the ANC elite – have to live off the scraps from the constipated Democratic Alliance table.

This oppression makes the ANC politicians very angry. They too want to live the highlife, but the hard-headed DA is standing head-on in their way. This will not do. So they fling poo.

Andile Lili woke up one morning and decided that today is the day that the shit was going to hit the fan belt. He made his bed, ate his breakfast, grabbed his bucket, grabbed his number two, Loyiso Nkohla, and a few friends, and made his way to the Cape Town train station to take fecal matters into his own hands.

The shit-stirrer with a penchant for civil disturbance had been dropped by his beloved ANC even before the infamous poopery, yet he remains on the political scene like a bowel movement in a Khayelitsha bucket toilet. “I am the laxative that will clean out the city,” he remarked.

Lili reminded us that we should spare a thought for politicians without power. Those who represent a party that is treated as refugees in a country they rule, as well as those who have been kicked out of the party for disciplinary reasons.

Selected by Boston Masilela.

The newly-wedded whistle blowers.

Vega Gupta

We’ve long suspected that there’s undue influence from Indian pretend-royalty on our innocent, hard-working government, but despite our suspicions we never had any proof.

That is until Vega Gupta showed us the dark truth. This fair-skinned princess of the Gupta family endured much hardship to make us aware of the untoward bamboozling our trusting leaders have to endure.

It wasn’t easy. First she had to find a suitable fiancé. Aakash Jahajgarhia, a young man from New Delhi, volunteered himself for the cause.

Then she had to arrange the most fabulous, high class kitsch wedding ever seen outside the Republic of Durban and arrange for lots of low level dignitaries as well as b-list Bollywood celebrities to fly in from the land of silk, spice and Sachin Tendulkar.

Lastly, she got her uncles to abuse their privileged relationship with the family man, Jacob Zuma himself, in order to bypass every protocol so she could get her guestlist of psuedo-VIP’s to her Sun City wedding.

All her hard work was not in vein. We sat up and took notice. We understood that Zuma was being bewildered by a sinister swami, and we demanded that he be saved. The persuasive Guptas were forced underground to manipulate poor Zuma in secret, like they were doing way back, long before she made us aware of it.

If not for Vega Gupta, Jacob Zuma would never have known that devious sub-continental plotters were taking advantage of his good will.

Selected by Miriam Mokoena

Chaos After Death of Mandela

Riots after the death of MandelaBETHULIE – A massive outburst of violence is expected all over South Africa as soon as Nelson Mandela is dead. Uhuru, as it is known, is a prophesy that white people will be “swept into the sea”, famously foretold by Siener van Rensburg many, many, many years ago.

White people are stocking up on baked beans, bully beef and paraffin. Biltong is being dried, beskuit is being baked. Pumpkins are being taken off the roof and into the basement. Brandy is being rationed, and dogs are being donated to the SPCA.

Wouter Veenstra and his family have managed to convert their home into a compound. Veensra is not taking any chances. The steel bars on the windows have been replaced by titanium, and the windows now boast bulletproof glass. The roof of the house has been covered with camouflage netting. Shelves along the walls are lined with enough food, fuel and water to last approximately two months. “Our only problem is human waste,” revealed Veenstra. “If they figure out how to block it in they may be able to stink us out.”

Still, Veenstra is not about to give up, and preparations for the day when South Africa will be engulfed in a sea of violence continues full steam. He’s got a whole team of his black farm workers digging a bunker. If they manage to break through the first line of defence, the Veenstra family plans to descend into the underground. “We will survive, come what may,” declared Veenstra. “They’re not gonna get us. We’ll go into hiding if we have to. We’re not afraid of anyone.”

Can you see the Veenstra home?

Can you see the Veenstra home?

The cattle farmer from the farm Lankverloren near Bethulie is absolutely convinced that the impending doom awaiting him and his family is unavoidable. “I went to the local farmer’s co-op market and they didn’t have a single panga left on the shelf,” he claims. “That’s when I knew that uhuru wasn’t just a rumour. The black store clerk ensured me that it was bought by a white farmer who needed it to clear a field, but I know he’s lying.”

According to the fearful farmer, this inevitability has been expected for some time. “White people are being murdered every day. They also kill more black people, just to smudge the numbers so that no one can tell that they are systematically exterminating white people.”

Although white people are convinced that chaos is inevitable, there seems to be some uncertainty as to why this will undoubtedly happen. “I don’t know why those blacks will get so bloodthirsty,” uttered Sandra Beneke from Sannieshof. “Maybe they will all grieve so much that only killing a white man will ease the pain.”

The Movement for African Uhuru (MAU) confirmed that the possibility of violence is not simply another case of white paranoia. “People don’t just die,” stated General Kgalefa Mogotsi, the comrade in charge of MAU. “White people caused Apartheid. It is their fault that Mandela will die, and they must pay.”

When asked why they are waiting for Mandela to die, Mogotsi replied that Mandela wouldn’t want them to kill everyone, so they can’t do it before he is dead. “It would be disrespectful to the father of the nation to destroy his legacy while he is still alive,” he remarked. “We must wait until after his death. Then we can destroy.”

Mogotsi claims that they don’t have a choice; it is their destiny to create anarchy. “Mandela is a man of peace,” he said. “We may not have peace without Nelson Mandela.”

MAU’s military wing has been practicing their chants. Not all members speak Afrikaans, and they needed to learn fast. Songs of brooms and sweeping white people into the ocean have been ringing out over the training grounds at a secret location in the southern Free State.

“Die besem, die besem!
Wat maak jy daarmee? Wat maak jy daarmee?
Jy vee daarmee, jy vee daarmee,
die wittes in die see!”

“We want to sing in Afrikaans while we are out on a spree,” mentioned Mogotsi over a bowl of pap en vleis. “Those whites must know exactly what we are saying. We don’t want to have any confusion amids the chaos.”

English: Young Nelson Mandela. This photo date...

A young Nelson Mandela, before he became a terrorist fighting for peace.

Black spokesmen keep assuring everyone that there will be no violent uprisings after Mandela’s death. “All we want are schools and jobs,” suggested Kagiso Bakone. “Retribution against white people for Apartheid is a waste of time and effort. Violence is stressful. We’ll leave that to the criminals.”

“Mandela has been old and frail for some time, and retired from political and public life long ago,” affirmed ANC spokesman Gijimi Cela. Peace and stability continued even without him.”

According to Mogotsi, those people are all MAU representatives. “Our agents are working hard to keep white people calm,” he revealed. “We need the element of surprise. We can’t get them if they’re hiding. We don’t want them to see us coming. Those whites won’t know what hit them.”

White people are not convinced either. “This is not just more white paranoia,” asserted the Freedom Front’s Pieter Rademeier. “We know it will happen. Blacks will make it happen, just because whites started a rumour that it will happen.”

“We were wrong when we expected destruction after Mandela was freed in ’90,” maintains Veenstra. “We were wrong when we expected everything to fall apart after Mandela became president in ’94. We are confident that it will be third time lucky. We can’t be wrong all the time.” BN

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Miriam Mokoena

Miriam Mokoena

Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.

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